Survivor: One World returned to its One World premise at the end of last week, and on Wednesday, we had our first post-merge episode, which sadly was about as full of scheming as a nap time at the local Retirement Home. I thought there’d be lots of scrambling — would people align themselves with their new tribes or their old, gender-based teams? There was a minor effort by the men to reunite, but given that the men have been a strategical mess all season, this obviously went down in flames. The first problem was that spearheading this effort was Tarzan, a man not known for great social gameplay. Jonas last week announced that he would be taking the leadership role now that Colton was gone, but apparently that only consisted of him making nice food for everyone. It was therefore a bit shocking when he snapped at Tarzan for having the balls to organize the men’s alliance. Unsurprisingly, sensitive guy reacted poorly to Jonas’s behavior, and proclaimed himself a man without allegiances. Oy vey.
Jonas’s inept handling of Tarzan — a known loose canon with mercurial tendencies (self-proclaimed, in fact!) — proved why he shouldn’t have won Survivor. And guess what? He managed to get voted off last night as a result. Well, it’s not that he was voted off because he fought with Tarzan, but he certainly alienated an ally that he could have used to take out someone like Kat. Of course, that would imply that Jonas have some sort of gameplan, but I’m not sure one existed. He’s spent the first half of the season riding people’s coattails and trying not to ruffle feathers (Exhibit A: his complicity with volunteering to go to Tribal Council a few weeks ago), and then now once he found himself in the crosshairs, what did Jonas do? He gathered some dudes — Tarzan, Troyzan, and Leif — and suggested that they all vote out Kat. One problem: they were only four people up against six. You’d think he might then attempt to scheme a bit, turn some people to his side. But instead he just stuck with his four votes and hoped for the best. With that sort of strategy, I don’t WANT you on my Survivor PROGRAMME!
Things became a little bonkers at Tribal Council when Jonas threw Matt under the bus out of nowhere, a move that angered Tarzan, who then went after Jonas. Then came rumblings that Tarzan should be voted out, especially after he committed the heinous crime of tossing his dirty undies in a pot of boiling water with Chelsea’s. I understand her annoyance, but honestly, boiling water kills shit. Say what you will about Tarzan, but the guy is a doctor. You can TRUST him on things like STERILZATION.
Anyway, once Undiegate began, there was an attempt to have us think that Tarzan might get the heave-ho, and I actually belived it for a second during Tribal Council when things started to get all sorts of bonkers. However, in the end, Jonas was sent packing, but not before he turned to the group and laughed in their faces about their impending, tasteless food rations. Eh. I’m sure they’ll be okay.
Meanwhile, next week, it looks like Jay begins to realize that maybe he should have stuck with the guys now that the women might be joining up again. Obviously he should have. Jay, however, became somewhat evil this episode. It all started when he refused to let Tarzan have coffee. Jay claimed that they had won this luxury for themselves, and Tarzan wasn’t allowed to have any. It was pretty bitchy, and certainly not the sort of Christian behavior one would expect from a guy who’s gone on religious missions to China (check out his Facebook page for photos of such activities).
I really thought it was a mean-spirited gesture by Jay, and he truly may be setting himself for a fall by aligning with the crafty women. You’d think if the guys were smart (a big IF there), they would turn the girls against each other and point out that Alicia was all too eager to vote out Monica. Plus, they’d have Christina in their pocket; so it would’ve been easy to pluck off Alicia and improve their position in the game. However, the guys cannibalized themselves, and now the women are sitting pretty (both figuratively and literally).
“Apparently being a ‘good Christian’ means you ‘share,’ but I don’t know if I ‘believe’ ‘that.’”
“Well, folks. I just crapped my pants.”
“Hahaha, oh my God. I’m on Survivor.”
“OR AM I??”
“Nah. I’m on Survivor.”
Tarzan: “Are you comfortable with the fact that your beard nearly touches your eyes?”
“Hey guys, I think I found some weed!”
“GAAAAH!!! It’s not weed!!! IT’S THE SAND MONSTER FROM RETURN OF THE JEDI!!! HELLLPPPP!!!”
“I may have pooped in the hole.”
“I just want to alert everyone that after this competition, I’ll be flying to Colorado to partake in Stetson Man Fantasy Camp.”
Jay: “So, is this like Hunger Games? Do I get to kill you all now?”
“So then since this is the Hunger Games, that makes me the SEXY one in the VERY SEXY bikini who wins, right? I say that because I’m wearing a VERY SEXY bikini.”
“Hey Tarzan, you have to tell me about strategic plans!”
“Since when have you been a strategic player in this game?”
“I just started, like, FIVE minutes ago.”
“And what’s your strategy?”
“Probably to cook food and be like, hey, let’s vote off so-and-so.”
“I like the way you think, Henry.”
“Rolando. Got it.”
Jeff: “Before we begin, we will be having an auction for my painting which I have titled, ‘Salamander in Morning Light.’ Do we have an opening bid?”
“Two blue balls. Well, there’s an obvious joke here.”
“No… that’s not it.”
“There it is!!! #AMAZEBALLS #PEREZERSS #LOLOL #GURRRRL”
Kat: “I never seen peas as big as these!!”
Alicia: “Whatcha doin?”
Kim: “Oh, just reenacting The Notebook.“
Alicia: “I think the two of us should start a Sexy Girls alliance. You, because you’re tall and beautiful. Me, because I have a VERY SEXY bathing suit. Naturally, I’ll be the leader — again, on account of my VERY SEXY bathing suit.”
Jonas: “Okay. Here’s what we do. The four of us vote for Kat.”
“But we need seven votes.”
Jonas: “Right. Okay. Well… so here’s my new idea. The four of us vote Kat.”
“We need more votes!!”
“Okay, okay, okay. So we vote Kat… and then we just hang out and see what happens.”
“Okay. Sounds like a plan.”
Tarzan: “I swear that I did not poop in my undies. I did, however, poop on this hand.”
“I’m going to open up my own laundromat someday, and I’m gonna call it ‘BITCH LAUNDRY.’”
Tarzan: “I’m sorry, Jeff. I must vote for Jonas tonight. I know that doesn’t sound smart, but I simply cannot think straight being so close to Alicia’s sexiness.”
Alicia: “You’re the sexy one with your underwear.”
Jay: “Do you guys mind? I’m posing for a yearbook.”
“Good luck with the food!!! I’m off to Redemption Island now!!”
Jeff: “There is no Redemption Island.”
What did you think about the episode? Are the men ever going to get their act together?