REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA: Season Ends with Plenty of Eye Kandi

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Well, the generally unremarkable fourth season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta came to an end last night, and like many of the other seasons (except for the first), it just barely lurched over the finish line. More so than any of the other casts, the Atlanta crew always starts strong — full of bluster and screaming — and mellows out into a series of uninspired scenarios. This season saw the strange rise of Black Baby Gate, a scandal so dumb it was almost briliant, but aside from that, we had no major drama. NeNe was still mad at Kim; NeNe was mad at Shereé again; Cynthia was mad at her sister — it was all pretty dull, save for a few unbelievable fights (Marlo vs. Sherayay anyone?).

Last night’s episode attempted to tie up all the loose weaves of the season. NeNe moved forward with her divorce and revealed to us that she wasn’t interested in that disgusting pizza guy from NY (but of course, she was more than happy to receive his $30,000 Rolex gift). Cynthia finally had some sparks of life in her agency with a nifty model search (think America’s Next Top Model, but with less credibility…). Phaedra — well, she really didn’t do anything last night except show up by Kandi’s side and say “Guuuuurrrrrl,” which quite frankly is good enough for me. Same goes for Sherayay. Both women were on hand to help Kandi find some beef, black models for the launch of Bedroom Kandi, the line of sex toys coming to a vagina near you. I, of course, enjoyed the model search for a variety of reasons, but chief among them was the way all three women hooted and hollered at the muscle men who eventually walked in. I know Kim is the one with the spin-off, but I can’t image it being nearly as entertaining as Phaedra, Kandi, and Sherayay crossing the country looking for hot men. There’d be a lot of “GIRL!” and “MMMHMMM.”

Eventually, when the party did roll around, Kandi explained to us that she invited all her Twitter followers to come by and sample the goods. Seemed like a bright idea to me. Not everyone was thrilled with the hoi polloi though. Nene pouted in the corner, deriding all the “Twitter people” (a.k.a. the fans, the regular peeps, and the less wealthy — or faux wealthy). It was actually a terribly obnoxious moment. Bitch, go mix with the people. They’re the ones who made you.

Instead, NeNe left the party, leaving Marlo and Cynthia to fend for themselves with a cab (and we all know that a cab ride constitutes about 30% of the Bailey Agency weekly earnings). It was a bitch move and unfortunately right in line with the crap we’ve been watching NeNe pull all season. Gone is the hilariously flamboyant woman we adored. Now we just have a loud, occasionally funny lady who thinks she’s about as important as Michelle Obama. Dare I say it: she’s Jill Zarin’d herself.

Oh well.

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Nene: “Cynthia, I think what I’m trying to say is that you’re just really, really boring.”

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“Oh wow. Here’s that dildo I made from a surgical glove and Silly Putty.”

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Officer: “So is this an agency or a school of fashion?”
Peter: “It’s both.”
“How can it be an agency if it’s also a school?”
“Well, it’s a school that places girls in agencies.”
“So it’s a scouting company.”
“No, it’s an agency school.”
“Is it a school where you learn to be an agent?”
“No, it’s a fashion school within the agency.”
“So it’s where agents learn to be models.”
“No. We train girls. And then we set them up with agencies in New York.”
“So it’s an agency for finding agencies.”
“No, it’s a school with an agency attached.”
“Sounds like it’s more of a school with a guidance department.”
“Career services, really.”
“So it should be called the Bailey School of Fashion and Guidance.”
“Agency. You forgot to say ‘agency’ too.”
“No, I specifically left it out.”
“What’s your deal, man? Why are you bothering me with this triffling shit?”
“Oh, you owe $10,000 to the city for borrowing a dinosaur skeleton. You’re under arrest.”
“Man, I’m too stoned for this shit.”

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“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Bailey Agency. ORANGE you glad you came? Get it?”

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Phaedra: “MMMHMMM I want to lay you on a cold table and embalm the HELL out of you.”

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Phaedra: “This is all well and good, but when does the twelve-cake presentation begin?”

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Shereé: “Now, these masseurs — do they arrive by helicopter to the party? And are any of them poets?”

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“Happy bithday, honey. Sorry we had to come to this crappy place. Apparently Claim Jumper was closed for renovations.”

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“Oh wow! You bought me an expensive car with my own money!”

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“This is a very special Rolex. Every hour, it releases the smell of garlic and onions to remind you of me.”

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Kandi: “And this fine gentleman is Juwon. He’s my CFO.”

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Lady: “Wait, why is the fat one feeding me? Not fair!”

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“Well this is a terrible time to have diarrhea.”

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Masseur: “I can’t help but feeling like I’m being upstaged by this fruit cup.”

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Marlo: “I can’t believe this is a Twitter party. What is this supposed to be? An event at the Bailey Agency?”
Cynthia: “Hahahhaaa, wait what?”

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Kim: “Hey LOVE! I thought I’d come by and say hi. I can’t stay long — they’re holding a table for me at Sizzler.”

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“Oh, this feels great. I’ve been so stressed at the Bailey Agency. The phone is ringing off the hook. Lines, out the door!!!”

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Marlo: “NeNe, don’t leave. You’re being a diva.”
NeNe: “Excuse me, I did NOT dress up like no sexy green M&M to be at some Twitter party.”
“C’mon, NeNe.”
“No. I’m sorry, but I don’t dress up like a PF Changs lettuce cup for just any old person off Twitter.”
“NeNe…”
“Next time I wear my Super Mario Bros 3 Frog Suit, it better be for some important people!”

What did you think about the season finale? Happy with the season? Excited for the reunion?

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5 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA: Season Ends with Plenty of Eye Kandi

  1. I am with you, B-side. I was beyond sick and tired of NeNe “twist mouth and pout” look and stank attitude during the party. Really, bitch? You are on Glee for a couple of episodes and now you are above it all? You saw Dolamite Steve Harvey and wife no. 3 out in L.A. and this party is beneath you? I wish you would go and take your size 14 Louboutons and foot long boobs with you.

    The party looked fun and as usual, Phaedra was hilarious. I could have used those massages, let me tell you.You could grate cheese on those abs.

    So, next week is the shrieking howler monkey bitch fest – otherwise known as the reunion. Fun!!!

  2. Kandi’s party gave me the creeps (orgy atmosphere with handcuffs and strangers???? not my scene)…I am with NeNe on this one…I’d want to get the heck out of there, but I would have waited a bit longer and give my friends a ride home.

    This got me wondering: Why does Bravo supply limos for some parties and not for others? Normally I think NeNe and Marlo and Cynthia would have arrived via limo, so I am guessing that NeNe ditching them at the party was planned out ahead of time to make some ‘drama’…hmmm.

    And as for Kim ‘buying’ the fancy car? Well, I guess she could have used the money she makes from RH to buy it, but I’m thinking she probably leased it for a year or so. It seems all the ATL chicks are renters/leasers in every part of their lives: homes, cars, businesses.

  3. Sick to death of Nene and how she looks down on people from her RENTED home and her big giant heels. She is absolutely Jill Zarin’d herself. What a great term Bside!

    I can’t wait for this reunion. It’s the only one I can really stand to watch, the other housewives are too over the top mean for me. These women are just hilarious.
    Close your legs to married men!

  4. I still like Nene. Her behavior at the event was irritating- like really? Why was she so over that? Those are her fans too you know… but overall I still strongly prefer her to Kim’s brand of trash. Or to Sherayray’s brand of delusion. Or to Cynthia’s brand of boring.

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