Guess who’s back? Well, you know the answer since you’re already reading this, but just in case you’re totally dense, it’s The Real Housewives of New Jersey! It felt like just yesterday that we were watching their tumultuous reunion as Teresa suddenly found herself the outcast of the group. Now, it’s just a few months later and the ladies are back. This fourth season premiere lacked the insane drama that we saw at the Gorga christening, but then again, what could possibly top that instant-classic moment in reality TV history? That’s okay though because this time around, we’re less concerned with fisticuffs and more with MYSTERIES. As in, how did things get so bad between Caroline and Teresa that they were screaming at each other at the reunion?
The only clue we have so far is that Caroline et co. were miffed about the stupid things — or perhaps jokes, depending on your perspective — Teresa wrote in her stupid book Fabulosity or whatever it’s called. The comments were certainly enough to make the Manzos mad, but would they alone push Caroline to a place of hatred? Hard to believe it, especially after all the women on the season premiere seemed eager to rise above Teresa’s idiocy. Clearly, things are going to get a whole lot dirtier. I personally can’t wait.
Of note this time around is the timeline, which is just a shade less confusing than perhaps Syriana (dated reference — I’m going with it). Season four opened with flashbacks to the season THREE reunion, which occurred in September of last year. We then saw a title card that said “Four months earlier.” That means we were now in May (presumably around Memorial Day) of 2011. Incidentally, this was exactly when season THREE began airing, which means that the season THREE reunion four months later could have just as easily been a season FOUR reunion, which means that the inevitable season FOUR reunion will probably play like a reunion of the season THREE reunion. It’s… confusing.
This also means that clearly as this current season unfolds, it will unfold simultaneously as the previous season unfolds for the people we see on screen. Clearly this will have an unspoken impact on Caroline — who will see that Melissa really isn’t that bad — and Teresa — who will undoubtedly roil in jealousy as America slowly decamps from Team Giudice to Team Gorga.
In other words, it will all be just a shade meta.
For now though, we can just enjoy the simple fact that these people are back. And boy are there a lot of them. Perhaps more than any other Housewives show, this series has a ton of ancillary characters. We’ve got Caroline, her two sons, Greg, Lauren, Vito, and of course Albert (not to mention Dina — who looks to be making a cameo this season!!). Then we have Jacqueline and her brood, including Ashley, whose new blonde locks and puffy lips officially place her in the pornstar-to-be category. Then we have Melissa, who comes with her beefcake husband Joe, their kids, and a stable of sisters, sisters-in-law, and brothers-in-law (all of whom seem to be named Joe). We mustn’t forget dearest Kathy, one of my favorite housewives of all time. She comes with her coarse but lovable husband Rich, her wise mother whose name escapes me, and of course, the butch sister we adore to no end: ROSIE.
Already in this first hour, Rosie has received a huge amount of screen time, and it’s clear we’ll be seeing plenty more of her. Clearly, she must be on the reunion. Clearly.
Lastly, we have Teresa, whose family seems about as much of a disaster as it’s ever been. Her husband Joe, when not working out his Stay Puff Marshmallow body, has been up to no good. He was arrested last year for attempting to obtain an illegal driver’s license by bringing his brother’s papers into the DMV. This attempt at grifting was of course the result of Joe losing his license the year before in a DUI incident. Clearly, judgment is not his strong-suit. Maybe that’s why so many rumors popped up about him having affairs and love children. I think we all felt uncomfortable and sad when Gia grilled Juicy Joe about his after-hours activities with girls. Clearly, she’s her mother’s daughter, and I truly fear for her future.
Hopefully, Gia will turn out better than Milania, who at six years old is still acting like a petulant toddler. This week’s Lucifer moment: covering her face in blue chalk. It was like a really cheap version of The Grudge, but just as scary.
Looks like we’re off to yet another banner season…
Rosie: “Okay, let’s finish up this toast because I gotta take a shit the size of an alpaca.”
Joe Gorga: “What in the hell is going on over there?”
Other Joe: “Looks like Rosie is doing a keg stand again.”
Joe Gorga: “Why does that make my nipples hard?”
“So here’s the thing. Why don’t Cap’n Crunch have a boat?”
“I am no longer speaking to anyone who enjoys okra.”
“So did alls you like the jokeses I put in the cookbook with the ingredientses?”
“Caroline, they were jokeses. Like, haha. I’m not gonna apologize for making a very funny joke about how stupid your son is or how fat you are. See? I was jokesing again. The fact that you don’t get my humor makes me upset because it’s like you don’t even take no time to get to know me and my humor. You prostitute whore. Sees what I did? I just made another jokes!”
“I miss Danielle Staub.”
“Ah, my favorite bikini bottom: leopard on the outside, Na’vi blue on the inside!”
Finally, Joe Giudice finds customers willing to eat his pizza.
Jacqueline: “I know this is for ages 2-4, but dammit I simply cannot figure out this puzzle!”
Gia: “MOMMY!!! Milania tried to stab me with a broken bottle again!!!”
“Aw yeah. Gotta get myself into Situation Shape. And as we all know, Situation is my code word for ‘Getting raped in jail.’”
Milania: “I just drowned someone in the waves!”
Jacqueline: “Guys, this has been a great walk. And I’m so glad we finally got to discuss existentialism as it pertains to Kafka.”
“Hey Joe, do me a favor? If I happen to be sitting in a highly unflattering position, let me know?”
“So… when are you planning on entering the porn industry?”
What did you think about the premiere?