Business as usual on The Real Housewives of Orange County. We had an obligatory surgical procedure as Tamra had the last of her boobies removed from her chest, and guess who came to visit her? None other than Gretchen (of Gretchen Christine Beauté), who hadn’t been so available for her alleged bestie Alexis. Yes, Alexis was still bitter that Gretchen hadn’t visited her when she’d had her nose job; so I can only imagine her Alexis Couture panties were all in a bunch when she saw Gretch popping up by Tamra’s bedside. Of course, since none of these women can get through an afternoon without grousing, Tamra then bitched that Vicki hadn’t come to see her. My goodness, with the amount of surgery these women get, I’d have a hard time making my visiting rounds too. Besides, Vicki WORKS. Didn’t you hear?
Gretchen’s questionable friendship was the last thing on Alexis’s mind (just behind “What exactly are Fruit Loops?” and “Did anyone ever wind up catching the Gingerbread Man?”). The more pressing issue for her was her gig at Fox. We once again were privy to yet another stunningly awful news segment by Alexis Bellino, Reporter At Large. Dr. Booty was not present this time around, but Alexis’s stutters and on-air gaffes were. Oh, it was pure gold. Bravo, get your spin-off machine cranked up because I would certainly watch an hour of Alexis flubbing her way through local news.
Jim, however, was less amused by the idea. He told his wife that her journalism jaunt was fun and all, but it was time for her to walk away and raise the kids. Now, I’m no Alexis fan, and God knows she’s not earning a Pulitzer anytime soon (and if she does, I’ll throw myself off my balcony… and she can report about it), but the poor lady loves her stupid gig. What sort of terrible husband (who I’m conVINCED has had some fillers in his face) demands that his wife give up her dream job for no particular reason other than kids (kids who have nannies, mind you). And also let’s not forget that this is a once a week gig. Stupid Jim Bellino.
Meanwhile, Gretchen’s singing career would appear to be getting its big break with the Pussycat Dolls, but alas, her voice was still in a state of disrepair from her fight with Vicki… two weeks ago. Honestly, Gretchen, you’re not the second coming of Whitney (RIP). Your voice was croaking out the noises long before Bunko night.
Anyway, for someone who needed to be on vocal rest, Gretchen did a lot of squawking about her voice, but I totally empathized with her inability to shut her trap. I suffer from chatterbox syndrome myself; so Gretch — I feel your pain. A little. Nevertheless, some of the ladies finished up the episode at a bowling alley where Heather decided to go hi-lo culture with “Bowling for Champs.” Ahem, the appropriate abbreviation for champagne is “champers.” The more you know…
Well, it all went off without a hitch except this crazy girl Sarah showed up and got drunk and tried to start shit with Vicki. When Vicki hilariously shut her down, Sarah then started to cry and act like she was merely trying to be Vicki’s friend and meet her. Vicki did bring up a salient point: they had already met AT VICKI’S HOUSE. Anyway, we then were treated to ten minutes of this drunkard whining and crying and being generally hostile and annoying. It was hilarious. Nothing like a drunk girl to bring enemies together.
Heather: “What are you doing in my house? I have a moat that supposed to trap any sluts.”
“‘Roses are red, violets are blue. Life insurance is important, and so are you.’ Wow, Brooks. That was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.”
“I really wish you would stop giving me cards and get back to work.”
“Okay, so when the camera turns on, I talk about handsoap.”
“No, you introduce the guests.”
“Right. And they are Dr. Sherman Adler–“
“No, Dr. Adria Winthrop.”
“Oh. I thought it was a Jew.”
“Um, try not to say something like that on the air.”
“Wait, this is going on the air? I thought we were doing a play for Color Me Mine.”
“Why would we ever do that? Color Me Mine isn’t even a performance space.”
“Wait, so what is Color Me Mine?”
“It’s a place where you paint pottery.”
“Ah… I didn’t realize they had legalized pottery.”
“You’re thinking of pot.”
“Pot? As in pots and pans? Of course THAT’S legal. You’re silly.”
“Let’s talk about sex. I want you all to be honest because as you can see, the eye of God is behind me watching you.”
“Um, I think that’s just a graphic on a TV.”
Gretchen: “I’m really concerned that I’ve lost my voice. I mean, first Adele, then me. The music industry is in trouble.”
Slade: “I just pooped in this chair!”
“Okay, so if I have to give up my dream job, could I at least be a hand model instead? I mean, look at these things. It’s like they were crafted by Jesus himself.”
Eddie: “Did I leave my keys in there?”
Tamra: “I feel groggy. I think I may have a fever, but then again, I’m always running HOT, on account of being the HOT housewife, WHICH I AM.”
Gretchen: “Hey, I came by to say hi. I’ve always wanted to see what you’d look like in complete and absolute misery.”
“Let’s go get margaritas and snake tattoos. Yay.”
Heather: “Just so you know, there are going to be some crazy bitches coming through here; so make sure you’re prepared.”
“Hiiii!!! Thanks for inviting me! You’ll have to forgive me, I lost my voice two weeks ago because I yelled for about a minute.”
Gretchen Christine Bowlé.
“BROOKS. I spilled my love tank in the gutter.”
Sarah: “Can I talk to you about something?”
“Hey, that was mean!”
“No. Here’s me being mean: you’re a drunk idiot who’s about to look like an even bigger idiot on TV, and that’s coming from me, a woman who’s done a lot of idiotic things on TV.”
“All I said to her was I want to get to know you and be your friends. Thasss I alll i says.”
“You were being confrontational.”
“No. NO. I’s jussssh wanna be her friendss. Alls I says is I wanna be friends. Thass all.”
“Sarah, you’re drunk.”
“No I’m not. No I’m NOT. I’m, like, I just want to meet her.”
“You already met her.”
“No. But I want to MEET her. Thass all.”
“Sarah, you should go home.”
“I wanna go home.”
“But I wannna be friennsss with Vicki.”
“You stop. You’re a bowling ball.”
“Okay, that’s wonderful.”
“I… I get nervous.”
Terry: “Oh wow. This catfighting is giving me a boner.”
What did you think about the episode?