Bravo is a cruel, cruel network. After relentlessly teasing us with Gretchen’s impending Pussycat Dolls performance — something we actually don’t care about AT ALL — it seemed like it was finally time for the flaxen thrush to belt out “Fever” for us on last night’s Real Housewives of Orange County. But no. In classic Bravo fashion, they led us to the edge and then ended the episode. Normally, this would be considered a cliffhanger, but considering that no one has any personal investment in Gretchen’s singing career, let alone her debut in a Las Vegas lounge, I can say authoritatively that I will not be on pins and needles for the next six days wondering just what will happen. And quite frankly, if that soaring, hideous note from the previews is any indications, it doesn’t appear as though Gretchen will be filling the void left by Whitney Houston.
Of course, we can blame Vicki for that. It was Vicki, after all, who engaged Gretchen in a screaming match thirty-five years ago, and as we all know, Gretch lost her voice after that. A pivotal moment in music history — the night that songbird Gretchen Rossi’s voice turned into a mere croak and never recovered. I believe books will written about this turning point in American culture.
Yes, Gretchen continues to talk about how she’s lost her voice, and at this point, it’s just getting sad. Not even the no-nonsense Pussycat Dolls choreographer had any tolerance for the excuses. Then again, he was also too busy giving sassface to the camera (and anything else that he seemed to come face to face with). Don’t get me wrong — the choreographer guy was hilarious. I could listen to him say “Walk, walk, walk, diva, Beyoncé” all day, and truthfully, you know he probably DOES say it all day: at the supermarket, at the bank, during sex.
While Gretchen prepped for her big moment — one that she swore would lead to fame and glory — the rest of the gang headed out to Vegas to support her. Vicki brought Brooks, who continues to be a touch shady, and Alexis brought Jim, who continues to be a touch porcine. The guy continues to be awful, and I’m glad to hear that my suspicions about his face, specifically his chin, have been confirmed by Tamra, who announced that he’d had a chin implant. Isn’t there some biblical verse about vanity somewhere? Maybe in the Ten Commandments? Ah, but who am I? Just one of those weirdos who likes consistency from my religious zealots.
The big news for Alexis (other than the fact that her makeup artist went laughably nuts on her face) was that she wanted a hosting coach for her Fox gig, but Jim was all “Ehhhh no.” He wanted her to stay home, which made it the second blow to wee Alexis’s purdy little ego (the first being Gretchen bragging that the Fox gig was first offered to her. Bitch.) Jim’s controlling ways were portrayed in stark contrast to Terry, who pretty much told Heather that he’d bend over backward to support her acting career, which could take her to Vancouver (but won’t, I’m sure). That Terry — he’s a champ. Jim, however, is more of a chimp. SNAP!
Anyway, here’s the photocap:
Gretchen: “Wow. What are we watching? It’s like local access news with porn stars.”
Alexis: “Actually, it’s me.”
“Oh. Yeah… good job!”
Alexis: “I’m really proud of my work here. See the way I finally managed to say ‘psychologist?’ I knew Jesus would eventually give me the guidance to say all those syllables properly.”
“This is really great, Alexis. And I’m so glad that after they offered it to me that I turned it down to give you this opportunity.”
“You know, because they wanted me, not you. But I let you have it.”
“Because people like me. They don’t really like you.”
“Like, for instance, the Pussycat Dolls want me, not you.”
“No one wants YOU. They want ME. But great work!”
“Ugh. Time to go for my audition. I don’t really know what I’ll do with my family if I land the part, but hey, somebody’s gotta play Store Clerk #3.”
Gretchen: “Hey, honey? Did you see where I put my latest copy of Big Stupid Clock Quarterly?”
Alexis: “Hey Jim! I was thinking about getting a hosting coach.”
“Sorry, babe. I sunk our last $20,000 into my new chin.”
Vicki: “After Briana’s cancer scare, I realize that I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff anymore. Also, it helps me ignore the fact that my boyfriend might just be a grifter.”
“Hi everyone! I’m not sure if I mentioned it, but I lost my voice three weeks ago. Also, I accidentally dipped my dress in egg yolks. Now, where my bed?”
Tamra: “Is everyone feeling okay? Let me know if it gets too hot in this limo. That can happen on account of ME being so HOT, which I AM.”
Choreographer: “Diva, diva, diva, bitch, Beyoncé.”
Gretchen: “Are those the new dance moves?”
“Ugh. No. I’m just reciting the names of my hamsters. I have three named Diva.”
“I’m not sure if now is a good time to mention this, and I haven’t really told anyone this, but just so you all know, I lost my voice about a month ago. So if I sound really flat, it’s because of that.”
“Cheers to Gretchen’s sure-to-be awful performance!”
Gretchen: “Wow. You really do look not great up close.”
“Ugh. This is too much makeup. I don’t want my makeup artist to make me look trashy. That’s what Alexis Couture is for.”
“I pooped on a stool. Hehe!”
Gretchen: “You guys, did I mention that I lost my voice two months ago? I really don’t want to jeopardize my big break.”
Pussycat Doll: “You realize we’re only performing for a small lounge full of Minnesota tourists, right?”
“GOOOOOO PUSSYCAT DOLLS!!!”
Gretchen: “Oh shoot. My voice had JUST come back, and now I lost it again.”
What did you think about this episode? Excited for Gretchen’s performance? Thoughts on Jim’s chin implant?