Lordly loo it’s been a while since I wrote a Revenge recap. So much has happened. Let’s see — there was that engagement party where Daniel was shot, but it actually wasn’t Daniel. It was Tyler. And Daniel shot him. But Daniel didn’t kill him. No, a second person killed him — Emily’s strange Asian sensei, to be specific — but as luck would have it, Amanda (née Emily) was there too? And then Jack showed up because he was looking for Shamanda. And then Declan and Charlotte saw Jack. And Declan was all “Hell naw” and Charlotte was all “Why are there three Jack Porters there? Oh that’s right I’m high on drugggssweeeeeeeeee!!!!”
Anyway, Daniel has since gone to jail, and Ashley has stepped up to be a major and riveting character. Just kidding. Poor Ashley has been relegated to the sidelines — thrown a scene at the top of every episode where she tells the press “No further comments at this time! Tally ho!” Heck, even family attorney BROOKS gets more screen time than Ash these days. Everybody loves Brooks. It’s all they can talk about. Next time Charlotte has lunch, I fully expect Victoria to shout, “SOMEBODY TELL BROOKS ABOUT CHARLOTTE’S HAM SANDWICH.”
Nevertheless, the prospects were looking dim for Daniel, who went to Rikers Island and somehow avoided a daily raping, but did get a heavy beatdown, courtesy of Victoria, who hired some goons to break her son’s ribs — all in the hopes of getting him transferred to house arrest. It worked, but alas, poor Daniel was left with a serious case of Disturbia, stuck in his family’s modest PALACE with nothing to do but watch his fiancé welcome suspicious visits from Jack Porter. What else is a man to do but turn to the bottle. So that makes it two Grayson kids who are hooked on mind-altering substances.
Charlotte, as you may remember, continues to pop pills — a dirty little habit that I believe came about because of her grandpa. I don’t remember. The point is this — she’s just a few steps away from being a crackwhore, and I’m all for it. Honestly, I think it’s improved her judgment because she welcomed back that Hamptons asshole into her life. Adam is it? Sure, he’s a jerk, but at least he’s good looking and of the same social station. It’s about time Charlotte stopped slumming it with righteous Declan.
Speaking of Declan, he continues to be awful. Well, he’s a poor, and the poors are terrible on this show; so I shouldn’t be surprised. Anyway, Declan greeted us with a bit of comedy this week. Upon seeing his brother Jack return from the great beyond (a.k.a. Saugus, Mass), he said that the good news was that Nolan had been filling in at the Stowaway just fine, but the bad news was that he’s still Nolan. HI-LARIOUS Declan. Anyway, Declan was in a dill of a pickle as he was called to testify on the stand for Daniel Grayson’s murder trial. Would he lie and say there had been no man in a hoodie on the beach last night, thus protecting his brother? Or would he tell the truth and say there was indeed a man there, thus imperiling Jack but perhaps saving Daniel?
Clearly the Graysons wanted Declan to opt for Column B, and that’s why Victoria encouraged her druggie daughter to go over to the Stowaway (home to the world’s most dreary emo music) and seduce Declan into the telling the truth. It almost worked. Almost. But then Nolan showed up to sway Declan the other way. You see, Emily still has a lady-boner for Jack (ugh), and she didn’t want him all caught up in this murder trial. She wanted to protect him, and therefore it was in her interest to have Declan perjure himself on the stand. Sure enough, that’s what Declan did, causing Charlotte to stomp out of the courtroom in a fit of anger. Nothing a few pills couldn’t help though.
Meanwhile, Victoria was up to no good this episode, as usual. She called up her henchman Lee to pressure a juror into hanging the jury, but as luck would have it, Emily had planted the omnipresent Shamu cam into the juror’s hotel room and caught the whole thing on tape. Lee would be her pawn, she said. How? Well, it wasn’t so clear. Nevertheless, Victoria was clearly jury tampering, and one would think Emily would merely expose that, but oh, there was so much more intrigue.
You see, after Daniel had seen Emily invite Jack into her house (resulting in a jealous boozefest), he told Mom, and she of course called BROOKS, who then subpoenaed Jack. And now a new problem: would Jack go on the stand and tell the truth about being on the beach that fateful night, thus revealing Declan to be the perjurer that he is, or would he lie and be a perjurer himself? One thing was for certain: there would have to be sad emo music playing during this conundrum.
Anyway, given that Jack was at a crossroads, he had to vent to Nolan, and he revealed that by the way, he still had his blood-stained hoodie from that night on the beach. GREAT. Why was he keeping it around? I think some business about how he may need it to exonerate Amanda Clarke should anyone try to finger her for the murder. I dunno. All I do know is that when Nolan learned about the hoodie of death, he immediately told Emily, who promptly broke into the Stowaway (how many people break into this stupid bar on a weekly basis?) and stole the hoodie.
And then it all came together.
Our old friend Evil Lee was walking back to his car when suddenly cops surrounded him. He was under arrest for jury tampering (or is it juror tampering? I dunno). And what did they find in his car? THE HOODIE OF DEATH and all its implicating DNA!
It was so damn perfect. Now Lee, who was already evil, could get pinned for the murder, and any Jack DNA on the hoodie could be traced back to the time when Lee beat Jack up (ha, that was the best). Even better, Lee would clearly take the Graysons down with him, and all would be well. Things really turned out well!
Except for Victoria. You see, she’d reconnected with her slimy, old artist friend named Who-The-Hell-Cares, and this bothered Conrad. So he marched over to the artist’s place, issued some threats, and told the guy to get lost. In the meantime, we learned about Victoria’s sordid past. Or should I say… VICKY. Yes, back in the day, Victoria was VICKY HARPER, an ambitious con-artist who conned Conrad cunningly (alliteration!) by selling him a fake de Kooning that was worth less than the frame it came in. Now that’s what I call a de CONNING.
Pause for laughter.
Anyhoo, I enjoyed hearing this little nugget about Victoria and the way she met Conrad. Less enjoyable was watching her actually coo sweet nothings into the artist’s ear about love — trite and melodramatic statements such as “I was drawn to your fire and volatility, but if you burned me, I feared I’d turn to ash.” I mean…
IRREGARDLESS, everything seemed like it was turning up roses for the gang, but when Conrad learned that this guy Lee was taking the fall, he was none too happy. He knew this low-life would threaten to expose the Graysons (whatever happened to honorable henchmen? They don’t make ’em like FRANK anymore). And so Conrad set a plan in motion…
But first, let’s get back to Daniel. In his drunken state, he had meandered down to Emily’s house where he screamed and let his British accent out by accident. It was all very hot. Of course, the cops then grabbed him and threw him back in Rikers, and when he eventually learned that the reason why Emily was hanging around Jack was because she wanted to get info on Amanda (LIES! She loves Jack!), Daniel wrote her a letter to apologize. He explained that he had betrayed her with doubt, and now he was going to end it all.
End it all? What could he mean?
Enter Brooks, who walked into Rikers to find… DANIEL’S DEAD BODY HANGING FROM A NOOSE!!! No!! Daniel is dead???? He didn’t even get RAPED yet!
Oh wait, it was a trick. Turns out it was Lee who had hanged himself. This makes it the second time the producers have pretended Daniel has died. Nope, when Daniel said he wanted to end it all, he meant he was going to take a plea bargain for whatever reason. Ah, but there was Lee, dead and with a note that confessed to the murder.
Sidebar: why on Earth is this case even happening? I mean, Tyler was a lunatic who had been arrested before for trying to kill ALL THE GRAYSONS. Is self-defense really that implausible here?
Anyway, back to the story. So Lee was dead, and the charges would be dropped. All was good, right?
Wrong. I forgot to mention that Emily had bugged the Grayson bedroom — just ’cause — and she captured a nifty piece of gossip: a phone call Conrad made to some shady character (perhaps a warden?) at Rikers. Conrad announced that he had another David Clarke situation in the jail that needed to be taken care of. Translation: kill Lee.
This then caused Emily to recoil in shock. Her father hadn’t been stabbed in a prison riot. He had been murdered by the Graysons!!!
Um, obvs Em.
Did she really think all this time that there was no evil conspiracy behind her dad’s death? Her sensei should be embarrassed.
What did you think about this episode? Where could this season be going? And when will Lydia come back?