Ah, stupidity. As usual, much of it was on display this week on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and while Teresa is normally the epicenter of the intellectual vacuum, it was truly Ashley who served as the black hole of cognitive processes. You see, she had a very simple task: get thee on an airplane. However, with the amount of difficulty she faced, you’d think she had just plunged right into the most challenging leg of The Amazing Race.
For those of you who may not remember, Ashley has spent the past three years being generally worthless: pulling bitches’ hair, complaining about life, pretending to be a model. Somewhere along the line her mother Jacqueline realized that perhaps disciplining her daughter with a steady stream of Range Rovers wasn’t quite working. And so Jackie and husband Chris announced that they were sending Ashley to a city known for its straight-and-narrow lifestyle: LAS VEGAS. That’ll reform her. Ashley, of course, would fit right in in Sin City, what with her porn star makeover; however, she was reticent to leave home, mainly because she knew she’d have to fend for herself in the real world and perhaps use her brain, which as of press time, seems to be on sabbatical somewhere in East Timor.
Anyway, Chris bought Ashley a one-way ticket to Nevada, but could he or Jacqueline be bothered to drive their daughter to Newark Airport? No. Jacqueline explained to us that she was afraid they’d get into an argument, and Ashley’s departure would be fraught with drama and sadness. Instead, she said, she’d rather give her one big hug at the door and send her packing in cousin Albie’s car.
Funny story though: Jacqueline didn’t even give her daughter the hug. It’s probably this exemplary type of parenting that made Ashley the beast that she is. And man is she a beast. A dumb, dumb beast.
It wasn’t long before the girl was regaling us with fascinating stories about how she didn’t even realize planes could crash until she had seen Castaway. Yeah, clearly a genius we’re dealing with.
Well, Albie eventually deposited his cousin at the curbside, and it would appear as though Ashley was off on her adventure at last. But no. She called later to announce that she had missed her flight — apparently the directions to walk through security and go to the gate were entirely too complicated to follow. Of course, in classic Ashley style, she painted herself as the victim here, accusing TSA agents of being mean to her. Later it was revealed that she had spent her time in the airport seeking out a Dunkin Donuts shop and generally wasting time (she Tweeted this all, idiot that she is), and eventually, Ashley came slinking back home where Jacqueline was LITERALLY throwing a party. That’s right: on the day she kicked out her baby girl, Jackie decided to invite everyone over, including Teresa, who now everyone hates. Yes, Ashley leaving was cause for such a celebration that even enemies were invited.
Speaking of Teresa, she tried to apologize to everyone, but it was a typical one of her insincere ramblings, and quite frankly, no one cared. She again looked like an idiot, but not as much as Joe, who shockingly was drunk and sweaty yet again. Truthfully, he’s got nothing better to do than drink, especially now that his pizza parlor has folded. Didn’t see THAT coming. Here I thought it was going to dig them out of their $11 million debt!
Anyway, drunk Joe and all the guys went downstairs to play poker, and then the next thing we knew, it was the following day and Juicy Joe had a black eye. Wait, what? Apparently he had gotten into it with Richie, and from the way he tells it, they both stood up, and Joe went to grab his balls. Is that a standard move in Tae Kwan Do? I mean, I know Joe is a black belt and all, but for some reason, I tend to think grabbing a guy’s nuts isn’t part of the fighting repertoire. And we all know had Joe Gorga gone for anyone’s nuts, Juicy Joe would have been calling him a sissy, a girl, and probably the F-word (Marlo Hampton knows what I’m saying).
Ultimately, Richie overpowered Juicy Joe, and in the fracas, a candlestick somehow got involved (what is this? Guido Clue?). It was all a mess, and I am furious that Bravo didn’t capture it. Besides, as Kathy happily noted, how did a black belt let a lumpy mook like Richie over power him?
What else… let’s see… Oh, Lauren Manzo is now going on a ridiculous diet involving egg whites and cocoa. Great. Kathy’s son has a girl showing him her tits on Twitter (Kathy’s supermom reaction and response cemented her as one of the best Housewives ever). Oh, and Milania continued to be a terror, this time calling her dad a girl and her sister a hooker. Juicy Joe wins father of the year, btw, for ignoring his toddler’s BLOODY LEG and instead pouring himself two glasses of wine.
Bonus points to Chris Manzo — the funniest of the Manzos — referring to the Giudice kids as “-ias.” You had to be there.
“Okay, so all you have to do is take Ashley to the airport and drop her off.”
“Make sure she gets on that plane.”
“Of course she’ll get on. I’m dropping her off four hours early.”
“Don’t underestimate my daughter’s stupidity. She NEVER KNEW A PLANE COULD CRASH UNTIL SHE SAW CASTAWAY.”
“Okay, well, bye mom.”
“Thanks for the hug.”
“I’ll hug you when you deserve one.”
“Ugh, I hate my life. This always happens to me. I bleach my hair, I make some awesome contacts at the Paterson Porn Commission, and then you send me off JUST when I’m about to do my first anal scene. They were going to pay me $45! In Rainforest Café gift certificates! This sucks.”
“Nice to meet you, Lauren. Tell me: do you like prune juice and cumin? Because that’s what you’ll be eating for the next four months.”
“You know, Tre, the pizza business wasn’t for me. Turns out the Health Department don’t let no one make pizzas in a muscle-tee. Plus, you gotta show up, like, once a day AT LEAST. And be sober! Pizza industry is tough, Tre. Real tough.”
Albie: “So you know what to do?”
“Yes. I go through security, and then look for a Dunkin Donuts.”
“Leave the airport and walk around a little bit.”
“No. You get on the plane.”
“Ohh okay. But what if I need to go to Dunkin Donuts again?”
“No, once you’re on the plane, you stay on the plane.”
“Got it. So I get off the plane and get another doughtnut.”
“How about we leave Dunkin Donuts out of this entirely?”
“Okay. So I don’t go to Dunkin Donuts, but I stand right outside of it and hope someone gives me one.”
“No. Just get on the plane.”
“Does the plane have Dunkin Donuts?”
“This is so my life: of course I would wind up on the one plane that doesn’t have a doughnut shop on it.”
“Melissa, get excited because I’m going to do you in every one of my buildings. And maybe even in Joe’s pizzeria too.”
Albie: “Well, your idiot daughter is gone.”
“Hey guys. Kathy’s just out front parking the cannoli.”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, she made a car out of cannolis. It runs on cannolis.”
“Oh my gosh! I can’t believe how much Vegas looks like Jersey! They even have clones of all my family!”
Teresa: “Hi!!! I hope we’re not late for the ‘Ding Dong Ashley’s Gone’ Party!”
Joe Giudice: “I’m fuckin’ wasted.”
“Hey all of yous, I wanna say sarrrry. I’m sarrrry you don’t get my jokes, and I’m sarrrry that there aren’t more diet-friendly recipes for fat people like Lauren and Ashley here.”
“It was a joke! Like, haha! Get it? A joke? Is everyone here as dumb as Caroline?”
“Another joke!!! Geez!!!”
Kathy: “I wonder if anyone notices I’m naked.”
“Joe, get your eyes away from this computer. There are pictures of the Na’vi people on here doing things that no little boy should see.”
“Hi, I just want to say I love your cookbooks, and I love you, and you are such an inspiration.”
“Just kidding. My friends paid me $200 to say that. I mean, could you imagine ANYONE gushing about YOU on TV?”
“So, Joe? You like my new sawng?”
“Yeah, baby. It makes my hair plugs stand on end!”
What did you think about this episode?