Ah, the frustrating joys of watching Teresa Giudice argue. We got a double dose of that Sunday night (if you count Celebrity Apprentice) with our first blow-out screaming match of the season on Real Housewives of New Jersey. The quarrel was long and stupid, emphasis on stupid, which is more or less par for the course with these women (and pretty much all the women on Bravo).
It all can be traced back to Teresa telling her brother Joe that Melissa would leave him if she ever found a wealthier man. The comment was tasteless, and of course Joe told Melissa because, you know, they’re MARRIED. However, Teresa somehow thought that brother-sister confidentiality trumped all, and instead of owning up to her mean-spirited statement, she made this whole brouhaha a damning accusation on Joe Gorga and his loose lips.
Well, this utterly fascinating scandal came to a head at a Solstice Party of all places that was supposed to celebrate positivity and happiness. But like so many fashion shows and Christenings before it, this supposedly joyous event instead went down the shitter faster than you can say “I’m from Paterson, BITCH.”
If I remember correctly, what started it all off was Cousin Rosie. We love Rosie. For the uninformed, Rosie is the, uh, masculine sister to Kathy, who we also love. It’s safe to say that anyone who hails from Kathy’s mom is great. Anyway, Rosie showed up in white shorts and a head full of sweat to the party, and she pulled Teresa aside to basically tell her to get it together, regarding Joe. This got the ball rolling, and soon, we found Teresa chatting up Jacqueline about her family drama, ultimately grilling the “Vegas girl” about whether or not Melissa had told her what Teresa had told Joe. Still following? Don’t worry if you’re not. This isn’t pressing.
Anyway, Jacqueline finally admitted that Melissa had told her, and that pissed off Teresa because she didn’t think Melissa should have been babbling about it, which is funny because truly the blame should have been placed on Teresa for saying the dumb thing in the first place. Well, Jacqueline sent Melissa over so that the two sisters-in-law could smooth this all out, but poor, misguided Jacqueline didn’t realize that there would be no smoothing. There would be no apologies from Teresa. No hugs from Melissa. No happy endings on this glorious Solstice Evening.
Instead, there would be fighting. Lots of it. Teresa tried to state her case by first referencing the fact that when Joe Giudice “went away” (ie. took it up the pooper in jail), she never heard squat from Melissa. In response, Melissa said that when she had tried to show support, Teresa had said everything was fine. One thing led to another and somewhere along the line, Melissa uttered the word “jail” — and suddenly, Teresa bolted out of the party as if she had just spotted the ghost of Kim G.
Later, Teresa explained that she didn’t like the word “jail” — it was disrespectful. Anyone reading between the lines, however, could sense she was just afraid that her daughter would see the show and learn where daddy had shipped off to for a week. Of course, it’s strange that Teresa would clam up at the mere mention of jail by Melissa and simultaneously go running to the tabloids to weep about her husband’s potential incarceration.
Anyway, Teresa stormed off to her car where the psychic lady and Kim D (formerly the proud owner of two sharp, dangerous hair fangs) attempted to make her stay. Eventually Jacqueline came to the rescue and sent Melissa out to hash it out more with Teresa, but this just led to more disaster, with the two screaming about Joe Gorga. Melissa felt she was owed an apology. Teresa felt SHE was owed an apology. And Kim felt that they should all be run over by a car.
Nevertheless, Teresa kept insisting how “everyone” had been gossiping about Melissa being a golddigger, but it doesn’t take a genius to know that “everyone” was just her veiled way of referencing her own personal suspicions. It was rather shocking that Teresa wouldn’t apologize, and even more baffling to realize that she truly believed she had done nothing wrong. The woman is truly delusional. I was firmly Team Melissa as she demanded, at the top of her lungs, a full apology.
But instead Teresa just rehashed grudges, and soon a ridiculous sub-argument about gifts emerged. I believe the gist of it was that Teresa accused Melissa of not giving her kids gifts? And then Melissa said Joe dropped the gifts off at school. And then Teresa asked why Joe didn’t give the gifts directly to the kids? And then TERESA announced that she had thrown all the gifts away (so how could she accuse Melissa of not giving gifts?). And then Teresa then accused Melissa of being materialistic? It was stupendously stupid. I can hardly believe anyone would still be on Team Teresa.
We know Caroline isn’t on that team anymore. Currently, though, Caroline seems to be on Team Make Your Daughter Feel Bad About Yourself. Yes, Lauren Manzo — twenty-four hour cosmetic magnate (she quit one day after her grand opening at Chateau) — has been having weight issues. The poor girl hates how she looks and thinks she’ll only be successful once she’s skinny. It’s a terrible attitude, but what didn’t make it any better was Caroline, who told us that her sons were handsome and successful, but Lauren had… a great personality! Oy. And let’s cool it on the “successful” front until Blackwater extends beyond Franklin Lakes.
Even worse for Lauren, she had to endure her brothers and FATHER making jokes about her weight, saying that her kids would be fat koalas. No wonder the girl is so beat down. Her family is vicious. But at least she doesn’t have Teresa as a sister-in-law…
Teresa: “I’m so mad that Richie gave Joe a black eye. Like, who does that? And now I gotta look at an ugly, dark eye every time I sees him. It’s just nasty. More eyeshadow please.”
“I’m not saying that my daughter is fat, but she should really only be eating thiiiiiis much food a day.”
“Yo, is someone gonna come over here and judge this douche contest or what?”
“DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MILANIA! SHE HAS THE DEVIL INSIDE HER! THE DEVIL!!!! Ahhhh fuck a duck.”
“No, Milania, we can’t throw Aunt Rosie into traffic. Now what are you doing? Are you pooping in the street again?’”
“I have a lot of thoughts about symplectomorphisms and linear maps. A LOT.”
Caroline: “Ah, my boys. My handsome boys. And Lauren: great personality!”
Gia: “GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW!”
Milania: “Redrum… redrum…”
“Hahhahahaah what a shitty little shore house. SOMEONE PASS THE JUG OF WINE!”
Caroline: “Let me make sure I understand the situation: you came into my house, Melissa, and you didn’t bring ONE THING with checkerboard patterns on it? And you call yourself a friend?”
Teresa: “What’s this thing on my forehead? It’s like a bird pooped on me or something. You get it? I made a joke, haha.”
Rosie: “God, you’re awful.”
Teresa: “Rosie, I just want you to go over to Kim D. and ask her what happened to her hair fangs. That’s all.”
Teresa: “Wait a second. What do you mean we have a third eye? I don’t see no third eye!”
Jacqueline: “IT’S A GODDAMN METAPHOR.”
“A meta-what? I don’t get it.”
“Who would have thought a solstice party in a parking lot on a trashy reality show would ever turn UGLY?”
“Teresa, why are you running away? Just because I said JAIL? As in, your husband might go to JAIL. For fraud. Which, as we all know, leads to JAIL. Especially if you’ve already had a DUI that has already sent you to JAIL. So really, double JAIL time. Is that why you’re running away?”
Teresa: “I’m done. I’m leaving. I need to go home and blow Joe. Because I’m such a good blower. Tell THAT to the solstice king.”
“There is no solstice king.”
Jacqueline: “I don’t want to get in the middle of this. Maybe Kim’s hair fangs can help instead?”
“Melissa, everyone keeps saying that your singing is going to take off, and then you’ll be at clubs, and then you’ll meet a guy, and… and… I’m just repeating what everyone has been saying. And by everyone, I mean the four tomatoes on my counter that I pretend are my friends.”
“Why do you listen to these people instead of defending your family?”
“It’s not… I get… it’s what everyone is saying though.”
“But why wouldn’t you just shut it down? Why tell Joe that?”
“Because… I want to prepare him in case you guys split up.”
“Do you realize how awful that is?”
“I just says what people says.”
“People? Or the tomatoes?”
“You want to break up my family. And me, I would support you if your husband went to jail–”
Teresa: “Jail? Why would he go to jail? He just went into the DMV with the wrong documents. It happens.”
Melissa: “You say nasty things about people, Teresa. Face it.”
“You’re in denial.”
“I don’t even know who Denial is.”
“Apologize to me.”
“About saying that I would leave your brother.”
“You should apologize to ME.”
“Why on Earth?”
“Because you do things that make me think that I have to say those things to Joe.”
“So it’s my fault?”
“Yes. And you should apologize for what you did to the economy.”
“You know, causing the recession and stuff.”
“How did I do that?”
“Joe said you did. He’s real smart, you know. You should apologize to him too.”
“So anyway… see you at the pool party on Sunday?”
What did you think about this episode? Team Teresa or Team Melissa?