Not a lot of drama on the latest episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey, but it did prove to be one of the most emotional installments in recent times. It was all about the gays this week, starting with Rosie’s heart-wrenching tale of coming out as a lesbian, leading to Caroline’s brother’s gay wedding, and ultimately ending with a smack of homophobia courtesy of the most gay-lovin’ man on TV: Joe Giudice. Fun times had by all!
Let’s start with Rosie. We loved her random cameos last season, and this year, the producers have wisely upped her role in the cast. Often she’s been seen as an ambling, butch, amusingly volatile lady, but this week we saw her tender side as she tearfully explained to her niece and nephew the hardships she endured as a closeted lesbian. Her account of talking to her father just prior to his death and his declaration that she probably would never get married was nothing short of tear-inducing. Of course, I didn’t cry because I’m a STRONG MAN, but I did get misty (and my viewing partner Phamtastic had a full-on trembling lip). It honestly was one of those great, moving scenes that remind us that reality TV can — at times — have a heart.
Similarly moving was Kathy’s teary response to her sister’s struggles. Her unconditional love and support for Rosie was almost as cry-worthy, and quite frankly, it further cemented her position as one of the best Housewives (and perhaps individuals) on reality TV. Even that big ol’ mook Rich knocked it out of the park in the human decency department as he quickly dismissed Rosie’s paranoia that he wouldn’t allow the kids near her if she were to come out as a lesbian. Those Wakiles — GOOD PEOPLE.
We then had the Manzos, who all headed off to Chicago for brother Jaime’s gay wedding. For reasons that are unclear to me, Teresa received an invite also, and while I imagine the allure of Teresa’s tackiness was to great for any gay couple to resist, methinks the real reason she was there was because Bravo bankrolled the wedding on the condition that she could come. That might explain all the scuttlebutt about how the wedding was put together so quickly that half the Manzo clan couldn’t make it. You know, for all the talk about family and loyalty with the Manzos, I found it rather abhorrent that pretty much none of Jaime’s siblings came to his wedding.
That includes Dina, who had always been a fan favorite, but now I must question her judgment. We finally learned the root of her feud with Caroline, which had something to do with Teresa saying that Caroline claimed she would undermine any opportunity that would come Dina’s way. Why Dina would believe this crazy bitch over her own sister is shocking, and the fact that she let this inanity come before her own brother’s wedding is full-on stupid. If Dina doesn’t reprioritize her friendships, I’m gonna mentally kick her to the curb like a stale cannoli (never one of Kathy’s cannolis though. Clearly they would all be eaten before they could grow stale. And that includes the giant cannoli that her little cannolis would inevitably arrive in. Am I really writing Kathy Wakile cannoli fan fiction?).
Speaking of Teresa, she continued to float through this episode assuming that everything was alright in the world because she had said sorry. Every week we have a new reason to hate this woman, and this time around, it came from her rejection of therapy. Despite his initial resistance, Joe Gorga decided that joint therapy with his sister might be a good thing; so he texted her as much, but of course Teresa refused to entertain the idea. SHE didn’t need therapy. Only he needed it. And he needed it with his wife. Yet again, this stupid woman has convinced herself that the problem is Melissa and not her. Actually, the real problem is the state of Paterson, NJ’s educational system, which led to a grown woman confusing “physical therapy” with regular “therapy.”
Later, after the wedding rehearsal, the Manzos, the Lauritas, Greg, and the Giudices all shared a party bus back to the hotel in Chicago. Joe Giudice — sweaty and drunk, as per usual — made the inevitable homophobic joke we’d been waiting for all episode. With a hearty chuckle, he commented that Greg probably had the loosest asshole on the bus. First of all, it wasn’t a particularly clever or funny joke. Second, coming from the mouth of a drunken alcoholic, it felt particularly sad. And third, it was just bad. Oddly enough, I’m sure Joe Gorga could have made the same joke, and we (including Greg) would have laughed it off. I suppose that’s because there’s a sense that it doesn’t come from a homophobic place with him. However, Joe Giudice with his history of casually dropping the f-bomb (the one that rhymes with maggot) and other gay slurs, simply can’t make the joke without sounding like a major douche. Besides, are we really supposed to believe Greg has the loosest asshole when it’s been Joe Giudice who’s spent all that time in jail? As Danielle Staub would say, “JUST SAYIN’.”
“Oh my gosh. SHE IS TRULY THE ANTICHRIST!”
“Awl I’m saying Teresa is that you shouldn’t worry about your brotha so much. Hows about this? Hows about we lube up our tits, drink some Sutter Home Companns, and then hit up TJ Maxx to find more of the these Diva glasses?”
“I am SO excited for this wedding! Quick question: what are the odds that the wedding cake is nothing more than egg whites and cocoa powder?”
“Wow, Teresa, this NannyCam footage of your kids is amazing. Oh look! There’s Milania slitting the neck of your mailman.”
“I was wondering what happened to that guy! Hahahhaa, kids these days.”
“Why, of ALL days, must I have an existential crisis now???”
“Milania, I want you to listen to me. If you make your nanny hang herself again, you will be GROUNDED!”
Kathy: “I want you to know that the Jersey Shore is about more than just partying. It’s about appreciating nature and the Na’vi way.”
“YO YO YO! WHERE MY BITCHEZ AT??”
“I applied to be on Jersey Shore, and this is where I wound up. Great.”
“Hey doggie, get away from me. You got real mental issues, you know? You should go to a dog physical therapist.”
Jaime: “I’m so sorry for inviting Teresa.”
“That drag queen better not ruin our wedding. Or our treehouse mansion.”
“Why am I the only one who dressed up like Katy Perry in the ‘Last Friday Night’ video?”
“Why am I the only one who dressed like Kathy Wakile from Real Housewives of New Jersey?”
“Oh my gawd! I can’t wait for me and Joe to DO IT in this tub!”
Kathy: “This is so fun! I feel like I’m at the Na’vi Festival of Nature and Life!”
Rich: “My boner is so big right now, I could impregnate Cliff Robinson if I wanted.”
Rosie: “Wait, before we take this to the next level, can we discuss your horrific tattoo?”
“I’M SO DRUNK!”
Joe: “This guy! Probably has the loosest butt out of all of yous on this bus! Hahaha, THIS GUY!!! Aw, I’m sorry Greggy. Let me give you a hug. But don’t get a boner or nuthin’! Hahaha, I’m just kidding. But you do have a queer asshole.”
Joe: “I ever tell you about the gayest thing I ever did? One time when I was a teenager, I got to talking to a friend about whose dick was bigger than whose, and then somehow we wound up taking our dicks out and showing them to each other.”
“And then I was like ‘I bet my dick tastes better than yours!’ and somehow we wound up giving each other blowjobs. Hahaha. Kids.”
“And then we were like ‘Let’s be REAL queer’ and as a joke I bent over, and he gave it to me up the ass. Horsing around, you know? Hahaha.”
“I think you had gay sex.”
“Nah. I was just a silly teenager. This never happened when I was in prison. Never, ever, ever, ever. My extreme emphasis means that I’m telling the truth. Haha give me a hug, you big queer.”
What did you think about this episode?