They’re baaaaaaAAAAAACK. Well, at least three of them. I speak, of course, of The Real Housewives of New York City, which has been revamped with new opening credits, a new artistic direction, and of course a new(ish) cast. Gone are Cindy, Kelly, Jill, and Alex. In their place come three fresh faces. Well, I use the term “fresh” loosely. I wouldn’t call Carole and Aviva the paradigms of natural beauty. Poor Carole has done such strange things to her mouth that she often looks like she’s in a permanent state of Invisalign shame. Y’all know what I’m talking about.
Of the three newbies, Carole most certainly made the smallest impression. On the plus side, she seems to hate kids, which is hilarious, and even better, she hates when mommies talk about kids. Already she’s won me over. However, after that glorious revelation, Carole kind of become blah and forgettable. She talked about being a widow a lot (all the while simultaneously suggesting how annoyed she was about having to be pigeonholed as a widow), and she managed to humble brag a few times as well. Hopefully she’ll serve as something of a Greek chorus to the rest of these women because if there’s anything that has remained consistent with this series, it’s the high level of bat-shit craziness on display.
Of course, what makes the NYC women so entertaining is that they frequently alternate between being oddly relatable and totally awful, bitchy human beings. Take new cast member Heather, who at first glance seemed like a sweetheart, what with that big, goofy grin. It didn’t take long before we realized she was just a mean, fake bitch like the rest of them.
First off, we knew she had a screw loose when she appeared at Sonja’s cocktail party and promptly announced that her father had died just a few days prior. Why she was not mourning is beyond me. And let’s not talk about the awkward way she revealed this news. Okay, let’s talk about it: she just came out with it for no reason and then immediately tried to deflect attention away from it. This girl is nutso.
Later, Heather invited Ramona to her office to talk fashion (Heather is a fashion designer currently developing a line of shapewear). Now, we all know Ramona is crazy and a nut, but up until this point, she had been more or less friendly to Heather. Almost immediately Heather began talking major smack about Ramona in the confessionals, ridiculing her cover on the Learning Annex magazine. To be fair, I didn’t disagree when Heather said Ramona should be questioning her career, but it still seemed like a rather catty response to Ramona’s enthusiasm over the gig.
Over the course of the episode, we soon learned why Heather had developed this nasty attitude toward Ramona. Starting with that office visit, things took a rocky turn. Heather began yapping about how her son needed a liver transplant when he was a kid, and this of course caused Ramona to one-up her and relay a story about how Avery was nearly a stillborn. Heather then complained to us that Ramona was one-upping, and then we cut to the end of the conversation as Heather grinned widely and cooed, “Thank you so much for sharing that with me!” Ramona’s one-upsmanship was bad, but hilarious in a classic Ramona way. Heather’s phony-ass, shit-eating grin, however, was just offensive.
Later, there was more friction in the Hamptons when Ramona invited Heather over for a dinner party. Heather, it turns out, is quite the talker. In fact, she apparently cuts people off at every turn. This did not bode well with Mario, our resident asshole husband, who finally made a passive-aggressive joke about Heather interrupting. Ramona then turned to Heather, and instead of apologizing for her husband and smoothing things over, CONFIRMED this attack by saying yes, Heather, you DO interrupt a lot and you should know that.
Heather, of course, was not going to take this, and she served it right back (to speak in Mario’s tennis parlance) by stating that oh haha she thought the same thing about Ramona. Oh now it was AWN. Soon the two women began analyzing their tendencies to interrupt, and by “analyzing,” I mean passive-aggressively attack each other under a guide of laughter and self-improvement. Here was an epic fight, all being conducted with indoor voices and fake smiles. Future WASPs, take note.
(Of course, any good WASP would never have made the interrupting comment in the first place).
Ramona, meanwhile, was in typical form for the premiere. She fought with LuAnn, she embarrassed Sonja, she tussled with Heather, and she ultimately — allegedly — threatened the De Lesseps. All in good fun, right?
It seems as though no season premiere of New York City can go by without LuAnn demanding an apology from Ramona, Mario, or both. Next year I’m sure she’ll be expecting reparations from Avery. Nevertheless, this go-around, LuAnn was still miffed about the nasty things Ramona had said to her during the reunion. She tried to get Ramona to apologize at Sonja’s party, but Ramona refused. Later, LuAnn furiously stormed into a lunch with the newbies to announce that Ramona had threatened to expose all the dirt on her family and kids should LuAnn continue to press for an apology. That seemed like a new low, even for Ramona, but truth be told, LuAnn looked so enraged that it was hard to believe it was a total fabrication. If there’s one thing we know about Ramona, she’s willing to “go there,” wherever “there” may be (unless “there” is someplace that requires her to discuss business on the weekend).
Also floating around this mess were Aviva and Sonja, who more or less were loopy and harmless during this premiere. One might think there’s be more friction between them, what with stories that Sonja dated Aviva’s ex, quite possibly while he was still married to her, but they more or less got along fine. There was only one tense moment, which came courtesy of Sonja bragging about how Harry (the ex) always feels super comfortable around her. Aviva looked like she was ready to take off her fake leg and beat Sonja across the face with it.
Oh yeah, Aviva has a fake leg. It received a lot of screen time, and it also elicited the most amazing Countess LuAnn quote of the night: “Aviva is poised and graceful and charming. You would NEVER know that she had a handicap.”
To be fair, most people with handicaps are totally lacking in poise, grace, and charm. Lu Lu was just keeping it real, yo!
“Look, as long as my husband hasn’t slept with Jill Zarin, I’ll be fine with it.”
Aviva: “Ah, so nice to meet you!”
“And you are?”
“Aviva. You fucked my husband?”
“Honey, I’ve fucked a lot of husbands, mmkay? But you are a doll!”
Sonja: “Thank you so much for the gift. You are so sweet!”
Heather: “And thank you SO much for having me! My father just died. Your house is so CUTE!!!”
Carole: “What a lovely evening.”
Heather: “It’s as lovely as my son’s liver disease was horrifying. Love your dress!!”
LuAnn: “Welcome to our circle. We will now destroy you.”
“My mother ALWAYS said never bring just one bottle of wine because you never know when you’ll need another one, and you don’t want to depend on a man for it.”
Ramona: “CAAAAAALMMM DOWWWWWN!!!!!”
“I won’t apologize until you admit that your ex-husband is an older man.”
“Really, Ramona? This again? And to think we’re in the same city as the CANCER SOCIETY. Not in the same city as the Cancer Society! NEVER IN THE SAME CITY AS THE CANCER SOCIETY!!!”
“I demand an apology, and I demand it in FRENCH.”
“After my husband died, I vowed never to move my face again.”
“So have you met LuAnn? She’s a SUPER bitch. Just sayin’.”
Ramona: “I AM NOT APOLOGIZING!”
LuAnn: “SAY IT IN FRENCH. Or Italian. I speak that too.”
“Je suis désolé. SAY IT.”
“So, Carole, you must be the boring one.”
Heather: “Hey, great work Stephanie! Thanks for the input. YOU’RE FIRED.”
Heather: “Soooo… my son had a liver transplant.”
Ramona: “That’s funny you say that because Avery was almost a stillborn when I had her.”
“Yeahhhh… and my father just died.”
“Mine already died.”
“I can fly.”
“I’m on the cover of the Learning Annex.”
“You’re supposed to one-up me.”
“Didn’t I though?”
“I can’t wait to talk so much shit behind this woman’s back.”
“Three legs and a little lady, amiright?”
“Am I drunk, or am I seeing three legs?”
“You’re seeing three legs.”
“Oh, okay… I think I’m drunk too though.”
Ramona: “I started my own business.”
Heather: “Tell me about it.”
“I don’t talk about business.”
Ramona: “It’s so great that we’re all here, and it’s the weekend, and we’re in the Hamptons, and we have wine!”
Heather: “My dad died last week!”
Heather: “Gosh, who’s ready for dinner??”
“If you don’t open that wine in ten seconds, I’m going to chop off your head, put it in this box, and mail it to LuAnn.”
Mario: “So you live out here?”
Heather: “No, I actually don’t.”
“Oh I see. I th–”
“I’m from the Berkshires, and we don’t really NEED a Hamptons lifestyle.”
“Yes, but it’s very lovely here in the–”
“There’s SO much in the Berkshires.”
“I’m sure th–”
“A lot of great restaurants and bars in the Berkshires.”
“The Hamptons have–”
“Could you stop interrupting–”
“No, YOU interrupt.”
Mario: “You know, you really do tend to talk over people.”
Ramona: “Yeah, that’s a problem of yours.”
Heather: “Really? Because I found it was a problem of yours!”
“Hahaha! That’s funny. But you really do interrupt too much.”
“As do you! Hahaha. I guess we’re both just two women with a lot to say! Hahaha.”
Mario: “Yup! You never shut up! Hahaha!”
Heather: “I guess maybe I just really don’t care what either of you has to say! Hahahaha!!!”
Ramona: “You’re pretty bitchy for a guest! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!”
“And you’re a terrible hostess!! LOLOLOLOL!!!!”
Mario: “I guess both you women can shut up now!! ROTFLOL LMAO LMFAO!!!”
Heather: “You’re a real asshole too! LOLOLOLOL STFU SRSLY LOLOL LMFAO WTF?”
“You should really attend my Learning Annex class: HOW TO STOP INTERRUPTING PEOPLE AND START A BUSINESS.”
“See, when you do that, it makes me think that you’re not listening.”
“So you should stop doing that.”
“Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh.”
“Aw, thanks SO much for sharing that with me!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“Well, my father just died. Oh my gosh, LOVE your hair!”
“Does it excite you to know that my name is a palindrome?”
“Oh my gosh! You know what else is a palindrome? DAD. As in ‘my DAD just died.’ CRAY right?”
Sonja: “So, Aviva, all that talk about the fake leg — that was just a JOKE right?”
“Have you guys talked to Carole yet? She is, like, THE BEST.”
“Anyone notice how Aviva is just a touch off-kilter? It’s like she only has ONE leg or something. More wine please.”
LuAnn: “AH BONJOUR! BIENVENUE!”
“Mommy, who is the scary lady yelling at us?”
LuAnn: “Scary? Would you believe the toddler called me SCARY? The mouth on that one! NASTY!”
LuAnn: “As you can see, my daughter has a very distinct point of view. This isn’t the crappy art that you’d find in, say, QUOGUE.”
LuAnn: “Darlings, let’s talk shit about Ramona.”
“Would you believe she tried to blackmail me? And in the same state as the Cancer Society? I mean, not at the cancer society. NEVER at the cancer society!”
“Well, ladies, I must be off. I’m late for a chunky necklace convention.”
“Wow, she was in and out of here so quickly, I never even got a chance to interrupt her!”
“Oh. Carole. You’re here. Have you been here all this time?”
What did you think about the episode? Like the new girls? Who do you like the most? Who do you hate the most?