REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: It’s a BOWSASTER!!!!

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Oh mah gah. What a silly, spectacular way to kick off the Real Housewives of Orange County finale. I could talk about all the bizarre things like the return of Jeana, Slade’s weird turtleneck, Vicki’s new granny-tranny fur, and the Barney-Keough peace treaty of 2012, but let’s be honest: we only care about one thing and one thing only.

THAT BOW.

At the end of the day, the only thing people are really going to be talking about is that idiot drunkard Sarah and her flagrant fondant sabotage. In case you missed it, the girl snapped a piece of fondant bow off Heather’s fancy cake, and being the control-freak (and subscriber to basic etiquette) that she is, Heather freaked out. Honestly, I would have been mad too. If you shell out $5,000 for a cake, you don’t want some uninvited alky pickin’ away at your money’s worth.

Heather tried to play it cool at first, but leave it to trashy Tamra Barney to push the confrontation. She dragged the glassy-eyed Sarah over to the group and asked her if she’d eaten some of the bow. Sarah said she did, and then unapologetically lashed out at Heather, who at first politely expressed disdain for the act.

“It’s a BOW. Get OVER it,” Sarah said repeatedly. I think the response should have been “Oh, I’m so sorry!” And let’s be honest: we know that when Sarah gets married to her seventy-five year old carny boyfriend, she’ll be the first one to throw a glass of Franzia white zin at whoever steals a decorative Skittle off her cake.

Sarah reluctantly apologized, but it was hardly heartfelt. Perhaps she wasn’t in a proper state of mind because her blood sugar had allegedly dropped — hence the need to suckle on some fondant. The excuse was gloriously daffy, and Heather had a phenomenally passive-aggressive response: an Oreo. Yes, Heather offered her idiot party-crasher an Oreo to help nurse her back to health. Never before had I seen the cookie used in such a hostile way, and I have to say, I liked it.

Alexis, of course, used this opportunity to make a stance against the girls’ tendency to gang up (systematic bullying, as Kelly Bensimone might have called it). Sure, the girls may have been ganging up on Sarah, but quite frankly, she deserved some bullying. Or at least a breathalyzer.

How will this all shake out? We’ll have to wait until next week. In the meantime, here’s the photocap:

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“You know what this ring needs, Tamra? A fondant bow.”

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“I don’t know what fondant means. Is it like molten lava and super hot? LIKE ME? THE HOT ONE?”

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“Wow. What an interesting album of pretzel crowns!”

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“BAM! I got a new face!”

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“Cheers, bitches! Now let’s do shots out of these ashtrays!”

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“I still don’t know what phony means. Is it a mispronunciation of ‘pony’ because I know what ponies are: they’re a type of cactus.”

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“Girl, I can’t even hear you. My blood sugar is so low. I need a ribbon of fondant STAT.”

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“Okay, so the look I’m going for is urban chic with a dash of Maleficent.”

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“Why don’t we just put some stacks of money over there, mmkay?”

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“Well, it’s a lot smaller than I would have liked, and it’s really not what I had envisioned… but at least the bow looks great. As long as we have that bow, this party will be a success.”

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Brooks: “Honey, I’d like to give you a gift that I bought for you with your money.”
“Oh Brooksssssssyyyyy!!!!”

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Vicky: “I swear on my botched cleave that I will never, ever take off this granny fur.”

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Alexis: “I wonder if Katie Kyurik will be at the party!”
Sarah: “I’ve been drinking since six AM.”

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Terry: “Yeah, I don’t know why I’m wearing this ridiculous outfit either.”

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“Who wants bibles???”

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Slade: “Oh, I’m sorry honey. I must have dropped something while I was pretending to be a film school lecturer from 1977.”

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Vicki: “I love that when I kiss you now, there are no holes in your smile for my lip to get caught in.”
Brooks: “And I love that when I kiss you, I’m that much closer to your money.”

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Heather: “And you are?”
Jeana: “I CREATED THIS, BITCH.”

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“Ugh. The very sight of Jeana makes my lips plump with RAGE.”

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“Well, cheers to a great night, and now I’m off to tour Niagara Falls.”

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“Tamra, you haven’t even COMMENTED on my necklace from the Mr. T collection.”

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“Your mom’s a bitch, and you’re dressed like you’re going to the Oscars. WTF?”

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Jeana: “Look: there are two of me now!”

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“Oh, I forgive you, you stupid, stupid bitch.”

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“I am NOT fondant of this situation. See what I did there?”

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“What do you mean you didn’t get cake insurance?? EVERYONE GETS CAKE INSURANCE!!!”

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“Listen, I’m Tamra Barney. My name is synonymous with trash. You’re making me look like Queen Elizabeth over here.”
Sarah: “What does synonymous mean? Is it a type of Schnapps?”

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Heather: “You broke the bow off my cake and ATE IT.”
Sarah: “Get over it. It’s just a bow.”
“How can I describe this in terms that you’d understand? Let’s see… Got it: it’s like if someone were to take a sip of your morning gin smoothie.”
“THAT’S JUST WRONG.”

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“All you girls do is gang up on people. Just because I’m a lush and just because I’m absurdly dumb and just because I need sugar doesn’t mean you can be mean to me!”

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“I’m going to give you a cookie now, and I want you to shove it up your QUEEFY VAGINA!!!”

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“That’s just rude.”

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“You’re rude.”

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“No. I’m real. Real classy.”

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“Okay, you can leave now.”

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“Wait…”

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“What?”

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“Can I have that Oreo still?”

What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on Sarah? Bowgate 2012?

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20 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: It’s a BOWSASTER!!!!

  1. Look, if you have Franzia white zin and skittles at a wedding, and I’m there, you better not half ass the white trash. The second course needs to be Taco Bell Dorito tacos followed by twizzlers as a palette cleanser. I don’t mess around. Of note, though Heather’s features can be witchesque at times, I do truly appreciate her aesthetic, it’s far more sophisticated and fashionable then her blonde counterparts (how many peacocks with bad dye jobs have to die, Gretchen? HOW MANY??). Finally, Sarah breaching etiquette / crossing boundaries with someone she barely knows was aggravated by the fact that she’s a sh*tty apologizer (see: insincere, tried to make the offendee look like she was in the wrong, drunk, full of idiotic excuses and then, finally, flat out mean and rude). Now I’m hungry.

      • thank you :) i’d also like to point out just how ridiculous it is that virtually all of them had to drink en route to a cocktail party where there would be a TON of free booze. look, i’ve been to college and bschool, i get gratuitous and superfluous partying. but none of them could have been facing more than a 20 min ride, tops. and they weren’t going to a frat formal, they were going to a grown up party at a house! trashy indeed.

  2. Each season Tamra fights with someone (Gretchen/Alexis/Jenna/Vicki) – so if I were Heather I would brace myself for next season.

    I am sure Brook’s children are thrilled that he he bought Vicki a fur coat.
    You can bet your sweet ass if Gretchen had walked in wearing a fur that Slade had bought for her Vicki would have had a cow.

    Why do people who do mean nasty things to other people yell at the people they did mean nasty things to “Get Over It”.?? I hurt your pet – GET OVER IT. I screwed your husband – GET OVER IT. I ruined your economy – GET OVER IT.

    hb

  3. Did you all know that Brooks BOUGHT Vicki the mink coat she was wearing.

    I certainly hope I did not sound like that when I was rationalizing my past relationship with a con man. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

  4. I think Sarah looks like the country singer Sarah Evans.. so much so I had to google to make sure it wasn’t her!

    Brooks sucks.

  5. I love Sarahs “I have a sugar problem” excuse. Crazytrain must not know that all that alcohol she’s been consuming since she rolled out of bed turns into sugar in your system as it breaks down. She and Alexa are like peas and carrots.

  6. So Vicki paid for the hillbilly hole to be fixed in Brooks face? I liked Don so much better, Brooks gives me the willies and he’s always hanging around, plus that coat had seen better days right?

    • I think Brooks took that coat off of a coat rack in a nursing home or something where some poor 80 year old woman had it hanging to remember her life as a star..

      What a piece of shit he is….I would never have thought VIcki was that stupid….and I also think she wishes Don had begged her not to divorce him.

      Next week’s blowout looks amazing…and everybody is right…no car…no house…no job… who is this guy?

  7. P. S. Also was I hearing things or did Brianna out Vicki by letting us know she had an emotional affair with Brooks for a while before splitting up with Don

    • She sure did! That’s what Vicki gets for leaving her screen on her computer open…I can only imagine that conversation…poor Brianna having to see that..

  8. Is that Cara’s nipple??

    It’s painful to watch Sarah (and also to hear her whiney voice). What a dumb, dumb girl. It makes me mad that people like that, have that kind of money. Go play in traffic.

    I hope this show never ends!

  9. I love how Alexis is suddenly an expert on bullying now…..and how much would I pay to see the lunch between JimBlob and Heather’s husband to talk about what he said?

    Will there be a duel?

  10. Oh mah gah <–love that :d and Vicki's botched cleave! I didn't notice til you pointed it out. That is exactly why people should stop having boob jobs. It's so gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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