Oh mah gah. What a silly, spectacular way to kick off the Real Housewives of Orange County finale. I could talk about all the bizarre things like the return of Jeana, Slade’s weird turtleneck, Vicki’s new granny-tranny fur, and the Barney-Keough peace treaty of 2012, but let’s be honest: we only care about one thing and one thing only.
At the end of the day, the only thing people are really going to be talking about is that idiot drunkard Sarah and her flagrant fondant sabotage. In case you missed it, the girl snapped a piece of fondant bow off Heather’s fancy cake, and being the control-freak (and subscriber to basic etiquette) that she is, Heather freaked out. Honestly, I would have been mad too. If you shell out $5,000 for a cake, you don’t want some uninvited alky pickin’ away at your money’s worth.
Heather tried to play it cool at first, but leave it to trashy Tamra Barney to push the confrontation. She dragged the glassy-eyed Sarah over to the group and asked her if she’d eaten some of the bow. Sarah said she did, and then unapologetically lashed out at Heather, who at first politely expressed disdain for the act.
“It’s a BOW. Get OVER it,” Sarah said repeatedly. I think the response should have been “Oh, I’m so sorry!” And let’s be honest: we know that when Sarah gets married to her seventy-five year old carny boyfriend, she’ll be the first one to throw a glass of Franzia white zin at whoever steals a decorative Skittle off her cake.
Sarah reluctantly apologized, but it was hardly heartfelt. Perhaps she wasn’t in a proper state of mind because her blood sugar had allegedly dropped — hence the need to suckle on some fondant. The excuse was gloriously daffy, and Heather had a phenomenally passive-aggressive response: an Oreo. Yes, Heather offered her idiot party-crasher an Oreo to help nurse her back to health. Never before had I seen the cookie used in such a hostile way, and I have to say, I liked it.
Alexis, of course, used this opportunity to make a stance against the girls’ tendency to gang up (systematic bullying, as Kelly Bensimone might have called it). Sure, the girls may have been ganging up on Sarah, but quite frankly, she deserved some bullying. Or at least a breathalyzer.
How will this all shake out? We’ll have to wait until next week. In the meantime, here’s the photocap:
“You know what this ring needs, Tamra? A fondant bow.”
“I don’t know what fondant means. Is it like molten lava and super hot? LIKE ME? THE HOT ONE?”
“Wow. What an interesting album of pretzel crowns!”
“BAM! I got a new face!”
“Cheers, bitches! Now let’s do shots out of these ashtrays!”
“I still don’t know what phony means. Is it a mispronunciation of ‘pony’ because I know what ponies are: they’re a type of cactus.”
“Girl, I can’t even hear you. My blood sugar is so low. I need a ribbon of fondant STAT.”
“Okay, so the look I’m going for is urban chic with a dash of Maleficent.”
“Why don’t we just put some stacks of money over there, mmkay?”
“Well, it’s a lot smaller than I would have liked, and it’s really not what I had envisioned… but at least the bow looks great. As long as we have that bow, this party will be a success.”
Brooks: “Honey, I’d like to give you a gift that I bought for you with your money.”
Vicky: “I swear on my botched cleave that I will never, ever take off this granny fur.”
Alexis: “I wonder if Katie Kyurik will be at the party!”
Sarah: “I’ve been drinking since six AM.”
Terry: “Yeah, I don’t know why I’m wearing this ridiculous outfit either.”
“Who wants bibles???”
Slade: “Oh, I’m sorry honey. I must have dropped something while I was pretending to be a film school lecturer from 1977.”
Vicki: “I love that when I kiss you now, there are no holes in your smile for my lip to get caught in.”
Brooks: “And I love that when I kiss you, I’m that much closer to your money.”
Heather: “And you are?”
Jeana: “I CREATED THIS, BITCH.”
“Ugh. The very sight of Jeana makes my lips plump with RAGE.”
“Well, cheers to a great night, and now I’m off to tour Niagara Falls.”
“Tamra, you haven’t even COMMENTED on my necklace from the Mr. T collection.”
“Your mom’s a bitch, and you’re dressed like you’re going to the Oscars. WTF?”
Jeana: “Look: there are two of me now!”
“Oh, I forgive you, you stupid, stupid bitch.”
“I am NOT fondant of this situation. See what I did there?”
“What do you mean you didn’t get cake insurance?? EVERYONE GETS CAKE INSURANCE!!!”
“Listen, I’m Tamra Barney. My name is synonymous with trash. You’re making me look like Queen Elizabeth over here.”
Sarah: “What does synonymous mean? Is it a type of Schnapps?”
Heather: “You broke the bow off my cake and ATE IT.”
Sarah: “Get over it. It’s just a bow.”
“How can I describe this in terms that you’d understand? Let’s see… Got it: it’s like if someone were to take a sip of your morning gin smoothie.”
“THAT’S JUST WRONG.”
“All you girls do is gang up on people. Just because I’m a lush and just because I’m absurdly dumb and just because I need sugar doesn’t mean you can be mean to me!”
“I’m going to give you a cookie now, and I want you to shove it up your QUEEFY VAGINA!!!”
“That’s just rude.”
“No. I’m real. Real classy.”
“Okay, you can leave now.”
“Can I have that Oreo still?”
What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on Sarah? Bowgate 2012?