And suddenly, just like that, our summer has once again fallen under the spell of Big Brother. Yes, Julie Chen and her beguiling sartorial decisions were back last night with the premiere of Big Brother 14, which saw the return of many of our favorite things: idiots, silly challenges, and, of course, an epic twist. This time around, the producers again called upon four of our favorite cast members of yore, but unlike last year, they wouldn’t be competiting with the newbies. Instead, the All-Stars would be serving as coaches — the new trend in reality TV. Waltzing back into the house were Dan (winner of season ten), Mike Boogie (winner of All-Stars), Janelle (winner of MY HEART), and Britney (winner of biggest idiot that we still loved anyway). Actually, Britney’s not an idiot, but she was rather naive in her season to have been bamboozled by the Brigade — the most successful and least charismatic alliance of all time.
Anyway, the vets each got to pick teams of three, and then in a cruel twist, the Chenbot made one of the coaches oust a member on the spot (well, after a lengthy mattress competition which managed to lure me in despite its ridiculousness).
Well, Dan’s team came in last, and as a result, he sent sweet, normal Jodi packing, which seemed horribly unfair. I actually detest when reality shows kick off a person or a team before the game gets underway. Not only are the producers robbing these poor fame whore wannabes of their dream, but they’re kind of depriving us a chance to enjoy a potentially fun “character.” Then again, in the case of Jodi, I think we probably didn’t miss out on much. She seemed entirely too nice and normal.
Meanwhile, Britney took her first step towards redemption by having her trio take home victory in the competition. As a prize, she was allowed to pick which of her ducklings would be the first HOH of the game, and intriguingly, she selected Willie, brother of Russell Hantz. Here’s the thing about Willie: he’s opted to follow his nephew Brandon’s strategy by pretending that he wasn’t related to Russell. Unlike Brandon, however, he simply cannot pull it off. I mean, the guy looks, sounds, and moves like Russell. Everyone could see it. Of all the silly things that Big Brother contestants attempt to conceal (I’m looking at you, KAIL — multiple business owner!), this seemed to be the most futile.
Nevertheless, Britney sussed out that people suspected duplicity from Willie; so she gave him immunity so that he’d have some time to build relationships and earn trust. How this will pan out is anybody’s guess, but I’m enthused to see a scheming asshole in the house.
Other noteworthy newbies were Ian, our resident dork who actually seems quite likable (for the moment). I enjoy his cocky edge and rumpled appearance (which looks not unlike a pale version of Michigan J. Frog without a top hat). Also landing on my radar wash Ashley, if only for her exuberant announcement that “I’M A MOBILE SPRAY TAN TECHNICIAN!” Or whatever it was she said.
I feel like we’re not supposed to like JoJo, but I appreciate her ‘tude (after two seasons of meek contestants, it’s about time we got some edge back in the house). Frank’s hair is more transfixing than I ever thought it could be (although, it frequently looks like a tumbleweed attempting to tumble off into Texas). Joe, the chef, appears to be the most annoying of the brood, thanks to his Guy Fieiri-esque demeanor and stupid soul patch. It’s not really a patch. More like a line. Almost like someone decided to give his chin a Brazilian.
Then we have Wil with one L. I expected to find him totally unbearable, but I’m happy to report that he’s only slightly unbearable. Good on him for being not AS awful as expected. We also have Danielle, who I imagine will spend much time crying and being sweet, which I generally hate. I sort of was hoping that she’d be gone first, but I guess her and her ten layers of makeup will be around for at least a few more days.
Anyway, on to the photocap!
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen. And I’m 50% shoulder wax.”
“Echo.. echo… echo… Chenbot… bot… bot… Hello earthlings… lings… lings…”
“Okay, SO… you have cancer. But I’m on Big Brother! YAYAYAYAY!!!!”
“Thank GOD I got onto this show. I am so sick of dieting for it. I have not eaten solid foods since Mariah delivered those twins.”
“I can’t wait to apply all the important skills of mobile tanning to my Big Brother game. First step: SPRAY EVERYONE WITH SOMETHING.”
“Well, here I am. Being very natural. Punching a bag softly. I will NEVER get evicted first now!”
“I’m Puerto Rican, a lesbian, and in a Grrrrl Band. But what you didn’t know is that I also love softball!! Oh wait, you figured that out?”
“I am impressed with myself at this moment.”
“Yo, I haven’t been this excited since the time I banged DJ Pauly D on the Verrazano-Narrows bridge!”
“You guys. Let’s look for granola bars!”
“I don’t want anyone to be alarmed, but there’s a sparrow that’s been living in my hair for three years. His name is Paolo.”
“WAIT A SECOND: THE WALLS BEHIND ME ARE MADE OF FROYO???”
“Omg. I’m trying not to laugh, but dammit if I can’t stop thinking about this morning’s Heathcliff comic strip.”
“This is the wrong time to be having a blowjob hallucination…”
“Oh SHOOT. I forgot to bring my backup puka shell necklace!!!!”
“I LOVE POP TARTS TOO!!”
“Ain’t no one gonna know I’m Russell’s brother. And if anyone asks what my last name is, I’ll say it’s… it’s… Hantz…on…son..berg..smith. Yeah. Willie Hantzonsonbergsmith. Brother to… to… GRUSSEL Hantzonsonbergsmith.”
“You guys! This is the best hora ever!”
“If I wind up with a team full of losers, I will literally run into the kitchen, find the biggest knife I can find, and literally STAB myself in the eye.”
“Also, I just burned my lip on hot pizza. Does anyone have any water?”
“Sooooo… I look creepy now.”
Willie: “I do not know Russell Hantz. I swear on this flat eyeball dish!”
“Just because Russell and I have the same face, the same voice, come from the same state, and both appear on the same TV network, does not mean that anyone will figure out we’re related!”
“I’m missing The Dark Knight for THIS?”
“You guys… I’m starting to feel like I might not have survived the Titanic.”
“Oh God. I just peed on this mattress.”
“My hometown sounds like a hair condition.”
Dan: “I just want you guys to know that I’ve made a decision: orange sherbet is my favorite dessert.”
“Also, I think everyone should know that Willie’s armpits really weird me out.”
Jodi: “You’re sending me home? But I’m the only black person here. Ah, forget it. I’m way too normal for this place. PEACE OUT.”
What did you think about the premiere?