I’m rather peeved at Willie’s early exit from Big Brother because it has deprived me of a season of punny headlines: “Willie to Power,” “Good Willie Hunting,” “Willie Da Foe,” “Chilly Willie,” “Willie Nillie,” “Willie’s Wonky Chocolate Factory” (assuming there was an episode pertaining to a rectal dysfunction), and, of course, “Free Willie.” Alas, my puns will have to wait for another time, and it’s all Willie’s fault, quite frankly. The latest Hantz reality star suffered a spectacular meltdown, resulting in an untimely ouster from the game and making him the least successful Hatz-ebrity yet. I’d like to put the blame squarely on Willie, but part of me thinks that perhaps Britney deserves some blame too, not to mention Joe’s rage-inducing soul-patch. Truth of the matter is that Britney had a chance to do damage control and guide Willie, but instead she opted to chastise, berate, and alienate her player. I’m not sure if Britney could have done anything to settle her hothead’s temper, but I can guarantee her attempt to shame him into obedience was a grave misstep.
On the plus side, great episode!
“I’m here to win a half million dollars, and I’m gonna do that by PUNCHING EVERYONE I CAN.”
“It’s okay, Danielle. There was no way for you to know that you’d be the only one dressed like kale today.”
Wil: “I never had a thing for Frank before, but now that his hair is turning all Richard Simmons, I just cannot get enough!”
“Be honest: can you tell that I made this jacket from an old disco ball?”
“Has anyone seen my lip glawss? You know which one I’m tawking about? The lip GLAWSS?”
“I refuse to touch daisies.”
“I wonder if I can get anyone to pet my massive MAN-THIGH?”
“Thoughts on my new clutch? I got it at Loehmann’s.”
“Willie, do not speak to me. I do not want to hear your voice. Literally, if you make the smallest, briefest, most benign sound, I will stab myself in the eyeball. Do not push me.”
“I don’t believe you. What if I sing some Roberta Flack?”
“‘I’m gonna set the night to music… weeee could…. set the night to muuuuusic…. weeee couldddddd…'”
“You are RUINING THAT SONG. DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU ARE RUINING IT. JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE. YOU MAKE ME SICK.”
“Honestly, I’m the best.”
“Did somebody say there’s a caboose full of peanut butter parked outside?”
“Thank you for coming on this date with me. I’m wearing my sexiest puke-colored ensemble.”
“Can you tell me the difference between organic and inorganic chemistry? Also, what’s chemistry?”
“Does this count as third base?”
Magic Mike II: Electric Bugaloo.
Magic Mike II: Electric Bugaloo.
“Word to your mother. This competition is going to be phat, homie. But only if you listen up, ya dig? Don’t be dissin’ my style. Now let’s kick it, or else I’m outie 5,000 so I can score some bricks and make baby mommas pregnant. ‘Cause I’m a rap star. Bitch this, bitch that, mother-effer.”
“I am so mad at gravity. I can’t even look at gravity in the face. Like, thanks a lot. You’re just ruining it for all of us, GRAVITY.”
“If y’all want to evict me, FINE. But I’m taking this teddy bear with me.”
“YEEEHAWWWWW DAGNABBIT!! HE AIN’T LAYING A FINGER ON MY TEDDY BEAR!!! HOOOWEEEEE SOULPATCH RAWHIDE!!!!”
“Well, I guess I can go get myself kicked out of the house now. After all, I’ve already won the big prize: UNLIMITED PORK RINDS — YESSSSS!!”
“Why oh why did I wear my SpongeBob smock today?”
Wilie: “Your soulpatch don’t scare me, Joe!”
Joe: “DAGNABBIT IT SHOULD!!! YEEEHAW!!!”
Joe: “When I get cornered, I like to stand like a 1986 Nintendo character.”
“Hey guys! Break it up!”
“Yeah, I really have no business attempting to break this up.”
Willie: “Your soulpatch smells like old tires.”
Joe: “Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to mess with a pregnant man?”
“I just looked death in the eyes, and it looked like a soulpatch.”
Britney: “It was so awful. I saw my life flash before my eyes. If he’d have taken one step closer, I would have thrown that red pepper at him. I SWEAR TO GOD I WOULD HAVE THROWN IT!!!!”
“You guys, let’s promise to never throw pork rinds at each other ever.”
Britney: “Oh my God. If Frank keeps jerking off next to me, I am literally going to vomit.”
“I’ll tell you who I’ll never headbutt: MAKEUP!”
What did you think about the big episode?