Great news people: Big Brother is baaaaaaaack!!! I wasn’t able to tour the house this year (BOOO), but my enthusiasm remains high, especially now that CBS has released the photos and bios of the new cast. Well, mostly. There are still four returning cast member that have yet to be identified. I’m not crazy about this as new players tend to idolize old players, but why waste energy carping about these things? Just enjoy that Big Brother is back.
After the jump, check out my wildly superficial judgments of the newbies based solely on their photos, their bios, and the spellings of their names….
At first I thought this girl’s last name was “Loco,” and then I realized it was “Locco,” and then I realized it was actually “Iocco” with an uppercase i. Spelling be damned, I do get a certain shrill, “loco” vibe from this blonde spray tan entrepreneur, but that might be just me relying on my belief that most blonde reality stars are crazy bitches. Reading her bio on CBS.com, Ashley actually comes off as more bimbo than psycho (although, there’s no reason why she can’t be both). When asked to describe herself in three words, Ashley writes, “Vivacious, loving, charismatic, spark plug and enthusiastic. That was five – OOPS!” DAMN RIGHT IT WAS FIVE. And I don’t believe YOU get to call yourself charismatic. She later explains that she enjoys making dream boards (ugh) and then boasts “I will come off as the dumb ditzy blonde, but take it to the end because I’m actually really smart and good at reading through people’s lies.” Orrrrr you’re just a dumb ditzy blonde. Fun fact: she fears mosquitos. Fun question: does she know the difference between a mosquito and a mojito?
One look at this smiling lady, and we already know she’s from the South, possibly a beauty queen, and most definitely due for a violent acne outbreak thanks to the three inches of anchorwoman makeup she’s clearly had caked onto her face since age fourteen. I have some concerns about Danielle, not the least of which includes the bizarre spelling of her last name. Murphree? Clearly there was a drunkard in the Murphy family tree who slurred his way through Ellis Island. Anyway, here’s the thing with Southern Belles: they are either high-strung head cases or forgettable wallflowers. Let’s hope that Danielle is the former, not the latter. Unfortunately, she enjoys scrapbooking, and I’ve yet to meet an interesting scrapbooker. She also says her plan is to not appear like a threat at first, which means she’ll be quiet and boring and forgettable. Double ugh.
Looking like every teen idol from the ’70s rolled into one, Frank has one thing going for him: he lists his occupation as “Unemployed.” At least this guy doesn’t try to fool us with “pharmaceutical sales” or “bartender” or the most laughable offense: “model.” As far as we can tell, Frank looks like just some beachbum who hangs out at Starbucks during the day and spends his nights banging girls named Charlice or Baleen on top of old pinball machines. And yes, I realize that Bayleen is a whale reference.
God bless the dweeby reality star. They always keep things interesting: Cochrane from Survivor, Richard from Beauty and the Geek, Eric from Big Brother 8. Now we have Ian Terry, who’s not just a firsty-firsty, but a firsty-girly. Ian is kind of like a nerdier, less buff version of James from season six. At 21, he will be eager and wide-eyed in the house, and sure to charm the girls with his geeky awkwardness (before they eventually turn on him either because they’re catty or because he’s pulled some ridiculous game move that’s way out of his league — see: Cochrane). Anyway, I’m a fan of oddballs on reality shows, and this guy looks like he’ll do just fine.
Speaking of oddballs, meet Jenn. You probably already know her. What? You’re not a diehard fan of Female Metal Group “Kittie”? WHAT PHALLUS SHAPED ROCK HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING UNDER? Pardon my caps. I’m just inspired by Jenn herself who wrote in her bio that “I LOVE TO PLAY MY GUITAR/BASS!! I also like to work out.” Now, I know that Jenn plays a bass guitar, but I like to indulge the notion that she actually plays an instrument she made out of a bass she caught in a river. Or better yet, she plays a game called “Bass” wherein she pretends she’s an actual bass swimming away from predators. Nevertheless, Jenn is a punk rockHER (I just made up that expression, I think), and her fashion sensibility seems to have a smack of Gotham’s own Two-Face to it. Or Victor/Victoria. What I’m trying to say is that there’s a lopsided quality to Jenn that has me intrigued. Will she make a good player? Not sure. But I feel like she’ll yell a lot; so that’s fun.
Jodi has a very warm smile (perhaps made warmer by her cute little headband), and I appreciate that I’ll probably be able to make several Jodi/Jedi puns. She’s the lone black woman of the cast (assuming none of the returning players are black too), and as such, she’ll probably fall into one of two stereotypes (because that’s what reality tv is all about): angry black woman or warm den mother black woman. The PC part of me wants to see neither. The callous, craven reality fan in me wants to see angry and sassy. Nevertheless, Jodi claims her strategy is that she wants people to underestimate her. I hate this strategy. I want these people to be accurately estimated. And by that, I mean I want them to fight and backstab, not lurk around quietly on the couch.
Joe Arvin is a chef, and immediately I have to question his skills. I mean, if the best reality show he could land on was Big Brother and not Top Chef (or even Chopped), one has to truly wonder about his culinary chops. Here’s another thing I question about Joe: his favorite previous player was Chicken George. That would be like announcing that your favorite U.S. President is Millard Filmore (sorry to offend you, Fil-heads). Here’s what’s good about Joe: he’s 41, which is practically Methuselah in Big Brother terms. Together with Jodi (41) and Jenn (37), we actually have a small batch of “elders,” and I’ve always contended that the better seasons include a variety of ages and not just a bunch of vapid twenty-somethings. We want vapid forty-somethings too!
Where do we begin? First of all, JoJo’s name is JoJo (no relation to JoJo the singer or JoJo the other singer). Her last name is Spatafora, which is like some unholy combination of “Spatula” with “Sephora.” That’s not really JoJo’s fault, but it’s funny nonetheless. JoJo hails from Staten Island, home of Angelina (Jersey Shore). I don’t know if I’ll love JoJo or despise her, but I’m embracing the opportunity to do both. She’s a bartender, which is rather shocking since I immediately assumed she was going for a doctorate in comparative theology. There are actually some qualities I like about JoJo: she has no kids or lovers, which means no excessive weeping late at night. Also, when asked what her strategy is, JoJo responds, “Of course I have a strategy, but is it smart to tell you? Is this a trick question?” Clever girl. Maybe JoJo might win me over after all.
Serving as the porn-iest name of the cast, Kara Monaco looks like a disaster already. Exhibit A: her little tri-star tattoo that seems to just reek of drunken Spring Break antics (um, watch it be a loving testament to three friends who died in a zoo accident. Sorry). Anyway, Kara is a model [stifling laughter, averting eyes from trashy tattoo] and a former Cinderella, Snow White, and Alice in Wonderland performer at Disney. Clearly she will hook up with one of the guys in the house, which will be awesome because I’ll be imagining Tinkerbell flittering around over night-vision footage of Kara rolling around in the sheets.
Shane is twenty-six, and I’m pretty sure he’s a flagrant liar because from this picture, he looks not a day under 37. I imagine he’s one of the hotties of the cast; although, CBS has certainly done better in this department. On the plus side, Shane has a pretty groovy Superman thing going on with his hair, and the yellow shirt makes him look like a studly Tweety Bird. I appreciate that. In his bio, Shane references his competitive nature and cites a fear of failure. Soooooo… basically he’ll be the hardcore asshole. He might also hook up with Kara, and pie in the sky: he’ll have a love triangle involving JoJo. Ugh, someone has GOT to tap that JoJo ass.
Clearly competing with Kara for the title of most Marcia Bradyish, Wil has flaxen locks not seen since Matt from Survivor: Redemption Island. There’s something so pretty about Matt. He’s like a human My Little Pony. Plus, his eyes betray both a general emptiness AND pure evil! I do have a mild resentment for Wil, mainly in that he forces me to write his name with one L, but aside from that this guy could be quite interesting. On the plus side, he enjoys bourbon. On the downside, he lists a flatiron as one of his prized possessions. Hmmm.
And now here we are with yet another Hantz. Willie is brother and uncle to Survivor’s Russell and Brandon Hantz respectively. This family has already produced two intriguing and scary reality stars (in two entirely different ways). I’m marginally fascinated by what this third Hantz will bring to the table. I fear it will be something loathsome. And I also fear that I might like it.
What do you think about the new cast? And who do you think the returning All-Stars will be?