There were all sorts of big moments for The Real Housewives of New Jersey last night. Melissa Gorga finally put herself on display on display at Beatstock, a gig that attracted 10,000 festivalgoers, at least according to her. One look at the empty seats beyond the mosh pit seemed to indicate otherwise. Poor Melissa (and Gia) were clearly scheduled so early in the program that probably only a hundred people had even bothered to show up yet. I don’t know why no one was there though. Aside from the Gorga-Giudice family stage presence, the official Beatstock 2011 lineup was a veritable who’s who of ’90s superstars: Shaggy, Robin S, Crystal Waters, Ultra Naté, and Corina. SIGN ME UP. Not even joking. To be fair, Kelly Rowland also appeared… but so did the Cover Girls and other such luminaries as Qwote (?), Joe Zangie (?), and someone named Mike Hush (shhh).
Nevertheless, Melissa performing at Beatstock is far bigger than anything I’ve done; so I really can’t front, but I can snicker. And snicker I did as she pranced around on stage while Bravo so obviously played her track over the action. I guess we’ll never find out if she lipsynched (as Gia and devil sister Milania predicted).
Speaking of the Giudice brood, there was much to discuss about them, but really, all that we need to truly address is Joe Giudice’s “cool” concert outfit, which consisted of a wife-beater, an Ed Hardy-esque vest, sculpted facial hair, and enough dumb accessories to make Hot Topic look like Tiffany’s. Never before has this guy looked so guido-ish, and the copious amounts of sweat didn’t help.
Meanwhile, Richie continues to ravish the masses with his upturned polo shirt collar. It’s a dumb look, but he sort of owns it, and the guy is likable enough, that I give him a pass, even as he talks about tampons and castration during his wife’s big moment: a pastry tasting at some gelato shop (watch me get three angry comments from people saying how that gelato shop is an institution in Jersey). Anyway, we love Kathy; so I’m hard pressed to say anything mean about her, buuuuuuut… she acted as if holding a tasting at this ice cream parlor was on par with having Eric Ripert sample her creations. Rein it in, Kath.
Down in DC, there were other big happenings, er, happening. Chris Laurita and his ragtag marketing team (Albie, Christopher, Gregg, and two other guys named something like Francisco or Dominic or Ralphie) all brought the BLK brand down to a culinary expo amusingly named “The Fancy Food Show.” I can assure you that none of the food on display appeared to be fancy… or even food. On the plus side, Patti LaBelle was in attendance, and that alone might have been worth the price of admission.
Anyway, it was rather heartbreaking to hear Chris explain how he’d really placed all his eggs in the BLK basket. From what we can tell, Chris is a great guy, and he’s someone I’d genuinely like to see do well for himself. BLK, however, might not be the greatest vehicle for said success. And if it is, I’m not sure recruiting the Jersey Shore’s greatest hits as the marketing muscle is the brightest idea. Quite frankly, Chris has this national platform on Bravo to pimp out BLK, and we still have yet to hear any reason why we should buy funky BLACK WATER instead of regular clear stuff (a.k.a. the NATURAL kind). I see this ending badly for Chris, but it may just be his own fault.
And then there’s Caroline and Albert pimping out the Brownstone in a jar. Yes, introducing The Brownstone pasta sauce, which is apparently a thing. I didn’t know the Brownstone was known for its sauce, but I guess why not? I’m sure it will taste just like the Olive Garden (HIGH FIVE, TERESA!!!).
Anyway, on to the photocap:
Melissa: “Wait. I’m supposed to dance?”
“Hey, I just realized that tomatoes and potatoes rhyme!”
Rich: “So before you taste my wife’s lovely creations, let me take this time to make a tampon joke. Because nothing whets the appetite like a bloody vagina reference. Bon appetit!”
“We originally wanted Bonnie Franklin to be our spokeswoman, but I figured I’d step in instead.”
Joe: “My boner is so big. How abouts after you sing at Beatstock, you come take care of Bonerstock.”
“Cheers to the most professional marketing team of all time, which will hereby be known solely as ‘Five Mooks and a Gay Guy.’”
“I don’t know who this Bride of Frankenstein is, but I bet her bubbies weren’t as big as mine.”
“Gosh, how much longer do we have to lug around Lauren’s lunch?”
Once again, Joe Giudice is caught with a DUI: dressing under the influence.
Joe: “You are going to be great up there. I’m sure all seventy five people in attendance will never forget it.”
“Why bother with clear, pure water when you can have the obscenely unnatural experience of BLACK WATER THAT LOOKS LIKE SEWAGE RUNOFF?”
“I only wish Lauren were here. Chubbawubba would have loved all this free food.”
“HEY NEW JERSEY!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME????”
Audience: “Um, yes. There are only twelve of us here.”
Chris: “And look. You can check in and everything.”
“Yeah, Chris. We know how to use Foursquare.”
“Are you so excited to go on a road trip and TEAR EACH OTHER’S HAIR OUT???”
What did you think about the episode?