Not a huge amount happened on this week’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. It felt vaguely like a scrapheap episode, one formed from random odds and ends of footage. The focus began on Teresa and her brother Joe as they both agreed that therapy simply wasn’t for them. After all, it’s not like they had that much to work on. Just multiple generations of warped parenting and psychological warfare. Nothing that a few Coronas couldn’t patch up!
Yes, Joe and Teresa concluded that therapy didn’t teach them anything that they didn’t already know; so for all intents and purposes, they were going to continue on the previous path of forced friendliness and repressed grudges. Oh, but this time with more Sunday Dinners. Yay! Obviously, this is a timebomb waiting to go off. “Tick tick tick tick tick…” as Caroline would say.
For the time being, however, all seems to be well between the Giudices and the Gorgas. It helps that Juicy Joe stays out of the picture mostly, probably thanks to him being hung over during the latter chunk of most days. From what we could tell, it was all smiles and good times at Antonia’s 6th birthday, which featured a rather suggestive inflatable caterpillar. I mean, maybe it’s just me and my dirty mind, but every time a kid came in and out of that thing, it looked like a horrific birthing.
Elsewhere in NJ, we learned of Lauren’s new business plans: teaming up with Mom! Yup, she and Caroline had decided to partner up in a new cafe / makeup venture called… CaFace. Or Caface. Or CAFACE. I’m not sure about the spelling. All I do know is that the name is idiotic. First of all, if you’re Italian, you probably think it’s pronounced Ca’Fa-CH-é. If you’re not Italian, you’re probably wondering WHAT THE HELL IS CAFACE? Is it a reference to California? Is it a misprint of LaFace? Is Babyface involved in any way?
I honestly thought FACE By Lauren Manzo was pretty ridiculous, but CaFace is a whole new league. We’re talking She By Shereé here.
At least Lauren has the good sense to understand how silly it sounds. Too bad her business partner is immutable on the subject. Yes, Caroline would not hear of any alternate ideas. In her mind, café + face = CaFace, and that’s it. Oy. Then again, can Caroline really be blamed for her poor title choice? After all, she does live in the same town that has Chateau: The Art of Beauty and, of course, POSCH. CaFace represents a step up for Franklin Lakes.
Nevertheless, Lauren was left grumbling about her business arrangement with her mom, saying that she wants to be treated like a partner, not a daughter. Well, here’s a grand idea: how about you move out of your mom’s house, get a job in NYC, and find someone else to partner up with? And no, I don’t mean Aunt Jaclyn, Dolores, or Dina’s cat.
In Kathy land, the Wakiles hosted a jovial dinner for Rosie to bring her new lesbian crush, Briann. It was nice. The end.
As for Jaclyn, she spent much of the episode being fake with Teresa, which was amusing in its sunny phoniness. Aside from that, however, she did nothing. Oh, there was also some silly stuff about Melissa performing at Beatstock, which necessitated the tutelage of Chris Judd, choreographer to the stars (and former Mr. Jennifer Lopez). He seemed embarrassed for his career as he attempted to teach Melissa some moves, and for good reason: clearly he never thought he’d reach a new low after I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! but then came the Gorgas. Poor guy.
Also vying for a spot at Beatstock was none other than Gia, who got her baby stank on with some serious grinding on the dancefloor. Yes, Teresa watched happily as Gia undulated like a stripper in training, all with the hopes of making it on to the Beatstock stage. It was… disturbing.
And then we had Albie. It turns out that Albie has found himself a piece of ass. Her name is Lindsey, and she may or may not have spent the past thirty-four days roasting away in a tanning bed. From what we could tell, Lindsey seemed nice and sweet… and quiet and boring. She may have just been intimidated, and rightfully so. After all, she had to impress two bulldogs: Caroline and Lauren. Caroline was friendly to the tantastic cheerleader, but privately, she groused that romance would distract Albie away from his important work with Blackwater. NEWSFLASH: no one will be drinking Blackwater. It’s BLACK WATER. Also, since when are a career and a relationship mutually exclusive? Sounds to me like Mama still wants to be the #1 lady in Albie’s life.
And then there’s Lauren, who never found another girl she couldn’t be bitter towards. In this case, she launched a bizarre insult Lindsey’s way by saying that she never expected her to be coordinated enough to be a dancer. Lindsey let the jab roll over her back and laughed it off, undoubtedly infuriating Lauren. If this girl knows any better, she’ll be running to the hills soon enough…
“I really wish I could have a cawffee while you put this makeup on. If only there were a cafe around… a cafe for your face… a CA-FACE! Hahhahaa what a stupid name. Not even TERESA would think of that.”
Teresa: “Which one of yous took Daddy’s KY Jelly?”
“Let me tell you a-something about CaFace. It’s going to be brilliant. You’ll come in for a sandwich, get a makeover, and leave with a fugly tie-dye top.”
“Ma, I don’t want sandwiches.”
“Well, they won’t be there for you, chubbawubba.”
“Ma, I don’t like the name CaFace.”
“So what do you want to call it? Lauren Manzo’s Face Deli?”
“I sort of like that.”
“Well, forget it. We’re building a cafe for your face. CAFACE.”
“Do we have to be so literal?”
“Fine. Le CaFace.”
“Alls you did was add a ‘Le’ to the front.”
“It’s European. What do you want from me, Lauren?”
“A Lap-Band for starters.”
“That reminds me: I have a new idea. A cafe where you can get a Lap-Band. We’ll call it… CaLapBand.”
“Did you hear about this CaFace? Is that like a place in Califorina where you get faces and stuff?”
“It’s been three hours, and we’re only on the sixteenth layer of makeup. I’m firing this guy.”
“Did you break the bow off Antonia’s cake?”
“I don’t even know what a bow is. Literally. I have no idea.”
“Okay. And for the record, I’m just asking. I’m not accusing. I don’t want you to bring this up five years down the line.”
“Whaa? I never have a chip on my shoulder when I see you. Not even that one time when you showed up late and then didn’t really say hi to me and then you gave me those sprinkle cookies. Nope, no chips on my shoulderses!”
“Hey Joe. JOE. Do me in the caterpillar! JOE!!!”
Rosie: “I like the name CaFace. If you say it fast enough, it sounds like CuntFace”
Teresa: “Nice leopard.”
Jacqueline: “Die bitch!”
“I miss Teresa. I really do. I wish things could go back. I don’t want to cry again, but I think I might.”
“Please, Jacqueline. Of course you’ll cry. You cry at ADT Home Security Commercials.”
“THEY’RE VERY TOUCHING!”
“I have a cannoli under this hit.”
Melissa: “Wow! I can’t believe I’m here with J-Lo’s ex-husband!”
Chris Judd: “Wow. I can’t believe I’m here with fake J-Lo.”
Chris: “Are you even trying to keep up?”
“I’M ON DISPLAY ON DISPLAY!!!!”
BriAnn: “I love how you people serve mimosas with an Italian dinner!”
Rosie: “Ha! Isn’t this broad great? Can’t wait to fuck the shit out of her.”
“Uh oh. Looks like your girlfriend did porn. Oh wait, these are just stock photos of corn-dogs.”
“Ma, this is Lindsey. She’s not really a woman. Just a limp hand.”
Gregg: “Lindsey is SAH KYAH.”
Chris: “SAH KYAH.”
In an unexpected turn of events, Melissa and Jacqueline join forces to become Jaclissa — an ’80s power ballad duo whose hits include “Tell It To The Rain,” “The Rain In My Heart,” and “Your Love Is A Colostomy.”
“Ummmm, where is Alexa Ray Joel?”
“Well I FOR ONE am feeling rather bi-curious tonight!”
“CAKE IN THE FACE HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!!!!!”
“JOE GORGA BROKE THE TIER OFF MY CAKE AND LITERALLY SMASHED IT IN SOMEBODY’S FACE.”
“You don’t do that. That cake represented something. It represented Greg’s gay birthday.”
“I would like Joe Gorga to leave Boxers NYC. And if he doesn’t leave, I’m going to have a man wearing nothing but a jockstrap and eye-black escort him out.”
What did you think about this episode?