In a MOST. UNPREDICTABLE. AND SHOCKING way, the Big Brother house was turned upside down last night. Yes, America voted on whether or not the coaches would be allowed back into the game, and I can assure you that indeed America / CBS has declared it so! Memo to Big Brother: time to change the tagline to “Expect the Expected.”
But before we get to that most obvious of twists (so obvious it was sniffed out by players in the first weeks and even included in an episode or two), we had some fun shenanigans to deal with. First off, as the show began, we were promised some daring act of treachery, an incident so dramatic that it threatened the humble assumptions that Frank would be going home. That breathtaking moment: Wil getting a little bitchy about Janelle. That’s it. Basically, the long and the short of it was that Wil didn’t like that Janelle was taking credit for saving his ass (which she did). Her response: she called him a “bitchy, bitchy man” and then cried some crocodile tears to assuage his ego. It was classic Janelle — so classic that Wil saw right through it. However, he maintained a charade of friendship, despite knowing that Janelle was feeding him a huge line of BS. Little does Wil realize, however, that we love Janelle, and if he backstabs her, we’ll hate him.
Nevertheless, the increasingly paranoid Chef Joe feared that Wil’s new hatred of Janelle meant that he’d defect to team Boogie, and that would mean that Frank could be saved. I don’t think anyone in the viewing audience believed this one iota, especially since Frank was dressed in jeans and a black-t while Joe and the rest of the household sat in shorts and t-shirts, ready for an inevitable endurance competition.
So who went home? No one! Julie announced that the coaches could reenter the game. All they had to do was one-at-a-time go into the Diary Room and decide whether or not to press a clunky “Reset” button. If only one coach did so, all four would be normal player and there’d be no eviction tonight. If all four didn’t, then they would remain coaches, someone would be voted out of the house, and then “some” evicted players would return.
No surprise here: everyone, except Boogie, hit the reset button. And then like a Mogwai spritzed with water after a post-midnight snack under a bright light, the pretty coaches all transformed into the gremlins we all knew they could be. Yes, the coaches are now players, and the game is afoot yet again.
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I’m wearing a tamale.”
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I’ve made a smock out of gouda.”
“Good evening, I’m Julie Chen, and I’m 95% corn on the cob.”
“Good evening, I’m Julie Chen, and it’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time!”
“I am willing to bet that Boogie would have sex with the teddy bear behind me.”
“Ew. I hate dinosaurs. Literally, they died for a reason. It’s called learn how to survive, okay? Like, if they made a real-life Jurassic Park, I would LITERALLY go to a museum, find a dinosaur fossil, pull off a bone, and bash myself over the head with it until I died.”
“So… who wants to talk about Niels Bohr?”
“I am SO mad at Janelle. She totally stole my conditioner!”
“Someday I hope mah soul patch is as long and luscious as Wil’s hair. YEEEHAW!!! MAH CHIN WILL NEED PANTENE!!!”
“Ugh. I just had this amazing vision of Janelle getting run over by a train.”
“WHAH DO PEOPLE HATE MAH SOUL PATCH? IT LOOKS LIKE JANELLE, AND EVERYONE LOVES HER! YEEEHAWWWW I’M A YELLIN’ FOR NO REASON AGAIN!!!”
“I love sitting here and fantasizing about my perfect man: he has no more than two arms, likes bending his elbows, enjoys drinking water, and must, must, must have a digestive system.”
“Why do I have such nutjobs on my team?”
“Wil, I get so sad when I think about how pretty my hair is, and then I see yours and all the potential it has, and I realize YOURS WILL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS MINE.”
“Y’all ever have one of those days when all you want to do is put on a layer of foundation ever ten minutes?”
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING.”
“Thanks for the hug. Or as we say in the spiritual realm: hugs you for the thanks.”
“This morning I posted on my dream board that I wanted to put some of my hair back. And then, like, I totally put some of my hair back! Thanks, Dream Board!!!”
“Hey Frank – just so you know, your ass feels great.”
“Hey Shane, what’s your sort of dream girl? Let me guess: she likes sand, she eats kale, she has wings, she’s made of metal, she lives at Chicago O’Hare International, sometimes she explodes, and if you want to know why, she leaves a black box somewhere for you to find.”
Shane: “Uh, you’re just describing an airplane.”
“Oops. I do that sometimes.”
“This just in: I will be leaving Big Brother and taking on a new position as VP of Mustard Bottle Tunics at the Condiment Council of America.”
“Frank has resented me ever since I ATE one of his childhood friends.”
“Hahahahaha WE’RE SCARY.”
“You ever get the desire to snap someone’s neck in two? That’s fun.”
“Ah, the sweet nectar of Big Brother. I can’t wait to get back into the game and get too emotional and totally flame out. I’M RUINING EVERYTHING!!”
“Janelle better realize that I BUILT THIS PIRATE SHIP, NOT HER.”
What did you think about the episode?