Ummmmmm… I’m fully aware that by the time I publish this Big Brother photocap, the next episode will have aired already on the East Coast. Oh well. Here’s all that really matters: Zingbot 3000 made its return, and this time, his spawn — Baby Zingbot — made an appearance too. Not going to lie, I was TOTALLY SMITTEN by this adorable baby bot chirping “Zing! Zing!” I am just a big ol’ softy after all. How glorious.
In other news, Wil is an idiot.
“If the house guests think they can just vote me out Willy Nilly… they’re right. I’m going to brush my hair more.”
“YEEEHAW!! I wonder if Frank sees that I have a soul patch on mah sideburn too! DAGNABBIT LORD HAVE MERCY!!!”
“If I don’t find a flat iron soon, I will literally weave a rope with my hair and use it to hang myself. Literally. So pathetic.”
“Do you ever wonder if potato chips and poker chips are the same thing?”
“Well SURPRISE, SURPRISE… I’m starting a sentence with SURPRISE, SURPRISE.”
“Hey Wil, want me to suck the soul from your being??”
[emits high pitch shriek]
“Now you’re soulless!!!”
“Guuurl, these Big Brother kabuki theater obligations are TOO much.”
“SURPRISE, SURPRISE. My penis is only this big.”
Zingbot: “Listen guys, I think I left a bolt here last year. Anyone see a bolt?”
Household: “Zingbot! Zingbot!!!! Zing someone!”
“No, seriously, I really need that bolt. I’m having this overheating issue, and it’s really bad for my mainframe.”
“No, that wasn’t a zing.”
“Guys, please. I just need the bolt and I can go.”
“Hahahhaha, Zingbot, you are TOO funny!”
Zingbot: “I don’t know. Things haven’t really been the same since my wife left. Been hitting the bottle pretty hard. Did some things I’m not proud of.”
Ian: “Because you’re fat!! ZING!!!”
“Seriously, dude? I’m real vulnerable right now.”
“You’re cold, man. Real cold.”
“I can’t believe Zingbot said Shane needs to get me a restraining order. I am so mad. And I don’t even know what a restraining order IS!”
“When I get out of the house, I’m gonna build a FoundationBot. And all she’ll do is put foundation on me once an hour. ZING!! Wait, did I do that right?”
House Guests: “C’mon Zingbot. Zing someone!!!!”
Zingbot: “Okay, okay. But just this once.”
“Okay… [ahem] JOE. You’re so loud in the Diary Room, even Helen Keller wants you to quiet down! ZIIIIIING!!!!”
House Guests: “Not cool man. What the fuck is wrong with you anyway?”
“I was trying to be funny!”
“Jesus Christ, get some therapy.”
“Just leave already.”
“Zingbot was pretty funny. Also, hi America. I’m on this show too.”
“Honestly, if Shane doesn’t attach the pipe to the fixture, I am literally going to back him over the head with one of these stools behind me. HE’S RUINING EVERYTHING.”
“WHOOWEEE!!! THIS LOOKS LIKE THE MACHINE I SERVE MY CRAZY ROCKIN’ FISH STICK AND CANTALOUPE CHEESE SAUCE OUT OF!!! YEEHAW SOULPATCH DAGNABBIT!!!”
With great fanfare, Nicole Scherzinger makes a surprise appearance.
“SURPRISE, SURPRISE. We are screwed. Hey, you know what was a good strategy? When I got mad at Janelle over some stupid comment and voted her ass out of this house. That was REAL smart.”
After having held the same pose for three consecutive weeks in a row, Jenn finally convinces the house guests that she is merely a lawn ornament, not an actual player in the game.
“Would anyone terribly mind if I sang some Carly Simon right now?”
“Wait a second… that wall sconce wasn’t always there, was it?”
“YEEEHAW!! I’m falling asleep!!! I HOPE MAH SOUL PATCH DON’T TURN INTO NO FREDDY KRUEGER!!! DAGNABBIT IT’S A NIGHTMARE ON CHEF JOE STREET!!!!”
What did you think about this episode?