REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC PHOTOCAP: The Pirates of LuAnn’s Pants

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Ain’t no vacation like a Real Housewives of New York City vacation. Just as the bitches from Orange County never fail to bring their A-Game to season finales and reunions, these New Yorkers always school everyone when it comes time for an international jaunt. To this day, none of the Housewives have been able to top “Scary Island” (despite several valiant efforts in South Africa, the Dominican Republic, and Hawaii).

Now we have St. Barth’s, which has given us a nice smorgasbord of ridiculousness. First, there were Ramona and Sonja barking orders at the house staff for pool noodles. Then there was Round 37 of the Great Toaster Oven Photo Shoot Debacle of 2011 (Carole — quickly becoming one of the funniest housewives ever — noted that Sonja’s toaster oven remains the most talked of toaster oven that no one has actually seen). The real fun of the hour came, however, when the girls headed off to a night of heavy drinking at a local watering hole. We met a certain Johnny Depp lookalike named Tomas, and it wasn’t long before LuAnn was swinging her pirate booty in his direction. Shockingly, the Bravo cameras apparently shut off at midnight, which meant we totally missed the following escapades (the second major miss of the episode following Heather walking straight into a glass door).

According to the women of the house, LuAnn brought back Tomas. This was actually verified by LuAnn herself, who spilt the beans to her friend in French (did she not think there were any interpreters at Bravo? Then again, her accent is so bad it’s a miracle that anyone understood what she was saying). LuAnn, however, hilariously maintained a façade that she had run into a group of old Italian friends. None of them had names or identities, but apparently they were a great time. We’ll have to wait until next week for Ramona to grill Tomas about his illicit encounter. Until then, here’s the photocap…


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LuAnn: “Sonja, darling, please stop talking about politics. The Brawny Man is not running for office.”

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Sonja: “I’m excited for this, especially since our house looks like a giant toaster oven.”

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“What a wonderful space. And look at all these door frames without any glass doors, as one would expect. I’m going to walk through them!”

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LuAnn: “Don’t you just love how much taller I am than you? Ha!”

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Sonja: “I need to hold a pool noodle. IT’S A VERY PROUD NOODLE.”

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“I feel like an extra in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest… not that I have a Johnny Depp thing or anything.”

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LuAnn: “What a night. This is more fun than the time I saw Donnie Brasco five times in a row. That Johnny Depp… I mean, he was OKAY. Not nearly as entertaining as, uh, my group of old Italian friends. Yes. Them.”

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Carole: “Honey, you didn’t tell me you were getting LuAnn’s haircut.”

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Sonja: “Do you need to be picked up? C’mon, sweetie. Let me pick you up. Don’t be embarrassed. I know you’re a very proud butler…”

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Sonja: “Hello! I love your dress. Is that 100% doily?”

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Sonja: “This is a very proud tequila shot.”

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“I’m totally ready to get GANGPLANKED by Tomas.”

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“BON-JUR. JE SWEE LUANN. JE PARLL FRAN-SAY TRAY BEEYEN.”

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LuAnn: “Would you believe how perky I am? Especially after that long night with my old Italian friends, who I most certainly ran into. How funny that I ran into those Italians? I mentioned that, yes? Because I was hanging out with a bunch of Italian friends. And ONLY my Italian friends. Not, for example, Tomas. NEVER Tomas. Hahaha, Darling. Why would you ever say that?”
Sonja: “I said nothing.”
“Darling, you are very funny. JUST like my Italian friends, WHO I WAS WITH.”

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Heather: “I saw LuAnn with a man.”
Carole: “I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening to what you were saying. I’m still distracted by the nose smudge you left on the glass door.”

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“Oh my goodness. LuAnn’s secret Johnny Depp fan fiction is AMAZING.”

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“I went out with Tom last night, but no one knows. I threw them all off with this outrageous story about seeing old Italian friends, but the joke’s on them because I don’t even HAVE friends!”

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“Could someone tell LuAnn that I don’t want to reenact ‘Edward Scissorhands’ with her?”

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“Oh, Tomas is it? I’m LuAnn. Did we meet? Oh yes. We did! I was so busy with my ITALIAN FRIENDS that I barely remember talking to you. Yes, MY ITALIAN FRIENDS who CAME OVER LAST NIGHT were a blast. I had so much fun drinking wine with them and NOT bringing YOU back here to have SEX with, which we didn’t do, on account of my ITALIAN FRIENDS.”

What do you think happened?

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14 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC PHOTOCAP: The Pirates of LuAnn’s Pants

  1. I was wishing I could speak french just so I could tell how bad Lu’s accent was then I scrolled down and there it was….thanks so much!
    Tomas (tome-ah) is a skank!… Look at this guy with the eye-liner, going for the Johnny Depp douchey look is just skeeevie. I think she let him in…all the way in. eew.

  2. She fucked him.
    No doubt about that.
    If she wasn’t worried about losing her next 18 years of child support she would have bragged to the girls.

    Many seasons ago Ramona said (at a reunion, I think) something about LuLu and the Count having an open marriage.

    Sonja = George in terms of constant sex talk. It’s pathetic.

    Great, great episode!

    • “Sonja = George in terms of constant sex talk. It’s pathetic”

      I know! What I don’t get is how Sonja could see how this older man constantly talking about sex, touching her, and hitting on her and every other woman there was super creepy but she can’t step into the minds of the younger men that she does the same thing to and see how creeped out some of them are by her.
      Where do these women get this crazy overconfidence to think anything they do is great, any product they endorse will fly off the shelves, and every man wants them?

    • That’s great, I hadn’t realized that until you said it but I understood it all too! I suck at French but speak Spanish, so it was strange and surprising.

  3. I want to know what Tomas was saying as he walked up the steps with Cat. Can anyone translate that part?

    • He said something like he isn’t able to have the same relationship with her as her exes because she’s spoiled and (i believe) he doesn’t support her.

      Who “she” is, I don’t know. I am pretty positive that is a more or less correct translation of what he said, but, my French isn’t completely perfect so maybe someone could back me up.

      • Also, when he says “he” doesn’t support her, it wasn’t Tomas. I just realized I didn’t make that clear. Tomas was talking about someone else who didn’t support her. If he’s talking about Luann, maybe the “he” Tomas is referring to is the count??

  4. Great recap! I agree, Luann definitely did this guy with the eyeliner. I thought he was gross but to each his own I guess. Is ANYONE in that house buying the Italian friends story?

    Sonja is getting to be just too over the top coy and sexual..she must be really afraid of losing her looks or aging or something because this year she seems way more desperate than prior seasons.

    I still like Heather and how she won’t take Ramona’s nonsense and I bet Carol really hates that picture of herself in that pirate hat!

  5. Carole’s comments have turned her into my favorite one on the show!
    Lu Ann was drooling over the guy, mentioning how he looked like Johnny Depp over and over. She probably screwed him and from next weeks preview, I hope Sonja got a screw too.
    Meanwhile, how huge was that nose stain Heather left on the door!!!!

  6. I like Carole too, but I have to say that she has a striking resemblance to Dustin Hoffman as Captain Hook in that pirate photo.

  7. “What do we think happened?” ROFLMFAO…..that was the best episode ever and we all KNOW what happened.

    Lu Anne might as well have called US mag herself. It wasn’t just the phone call to her friend in French, but what she said at the end of that convo…”I never change” As Carole said it isn’t always the crime, but the cover up. The call was bad enough, but the “I never change” at the end pretty much says it all. I don’t even need to mention THE ITALIANS…well I jst did but nothing more needs to be said except maybe ROFLMFAO again….add howling kicking and screaming. My cheeks hurt, it was so funny.

    I missed the open marriage with the Count thing but I do remember one of the women (Ramona maybe…probably) saying Lu Anne had cheated on the Count, not just the Count cheating on her. So the “I never change” comment makes perfect sense.

    This woman…….with the class B.S., and the ediquitte nonsense and on and on with her name dropping high class crap…..please. She took Tomas back to the house and banged him. End of story…….except for the boyfriend back in NYC.

    Let’s just say her current relationship is “open” (no evidence to support that but what the hell)……is bringing home a greasy guy from a bar that is 1/2 your age and then lying to everyone about it (she must have been in a blackout when she took Tomas to Heather’s room and woke her up) open…or even safe? For her or the other ladies in the house.

    I think we can finally put the fake Countess in the category we all know she has belonged in from the get go…..Hypocrite of Highest Order. That title seems to fit much better.

    As a side note, Carole is probably the funniest, classiest, nicest, most genuine housewife to ever be on any city, any season ever. Love her, her side interviews are priceless and her blog should be put together and sold as a book, hysterical.

    Can’t wait for THIS reunion!!!

  8. I love all your Real Housewives recaps. I even read the ones for the shows I don’t watch! What I’m breathlessly waiting for is for you to watch and recap “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Please. Please. Please.

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