It’s been a while since I wrote a photocap for Real Housewives of New York City, and I can explain why very easily: I’m lazy. Truth is that I have more in common with Sonja Morgan than I’d like to admit. Basically, we both like to sit in bed and read about our “friends” in the New York Post (and by New York Post, I mean Facebook). Nevertheless, RHoNYC has ratcheted up the crazy the past two episodes, and I think barely one scene has gone by that hasn’t been totally, utterly cringe-inducing.
Take this week’s episode, for example. The show began with Heather and Sonja butting heads repeatedly over a toaster-oven photo shoot that looked about as pleasant as if I had stuffed my head into said toaster oven and turned the machine to broil (that of course assumes Sonja’s hardware actually works, which is not necessarily a given). Poor Heather looked positively frustrated as she stood around, NOT getting paid, waiting for Sonja’s lazy ass to show up. When Sonja did arrive, she had so many requests and demands that even Faye Dunaway was probably “Chill, girl.” It’s no wonder she needs a small army of interns to follow her around like ducklings. The crazy woman has so many needs at any given time that it would take at least five people to tend to her every whim (not the least of which pertains to bloody tampons. Ewwwww).
Heather understandably became annoyed, and in her classic way, she vented her frustrations through a weird mix of passive-aggression and full-on aggression. She can’t be faulted for not speaking her mind, but man, when she does, it’s not very nice. But who does she owe niceties to? Heather should be applauded for not bashing Sonja over the head with one of those Cornish hens lying around.
Amusingly, when all was said and done, Sonja opted for a picture of her awkwardly sprawled out over her toaster oven as if it were some robotic lover suckling at her teat. I can’t say that the marketing plan of a naked torso holding a toaster seemed particularly more savvy, but at least Sonja had better angles (and the eye candy wasn’t bad either). Nevertheless, Sonja chose the bad pic and then acted as if Heather hadn’t made any contributions to the entire process. This roiled Heather to no end, and she even snapped at Sonja that she did in fact deserve credit, but I’m sure Sonja didn’t retain any of this, what with her massive blood loss.
Later, at a launch party for Ramona’s new red wine (which also doubled as a party for her supremely airbrushed cover for J’Adore magazine), Heather and Sonja smoothed things over. Neither of them really apologized, but they agreed to just never speak of this awful photo shoot again and just move on as friends and have a great time in St. Barts. Oh yeah, forgot to mention — at a luncheon hosted by Carole where the main course was a bowl of M&Ms, the women all hatched a plan to go to St. Bart’s. Well, most of the women. Aviva expressed hesitation on account of her fear of small planes… and islands… and air… and water…
Anyway, Heather and Sonja seemed to be in a good place, but then came Ramona who barged into the conversation and happily declared that Sonja said that Heather steamrolled her. Ramona, you see, was miffed that she hadn’t been invited to the photo shoot (oh brudder), and this was her revenge. Well, the whole thing turned into a ridiculous fight, with Ramona accusing Heather of being insincere etc. etc., and as usual, Ramona stormed off before Heather could explain her side of the story. Then for the next ten minutes we had to listen to each one of these women explain to the other women what each one of them had said to each other. The highlight of all this was Ramona actually bitching to LuAnn about Heather, and LuAnn bluntly informing Ramona that she too wouldn’t invite Ramona to a photo shoot because she’s impossible. This of course was punctuated by the signature LuAnn haughty laugh, which was somehow meant to soften the blow. Classic Lu.
You’d think there had been enough bickering to fill a whole episode, but no, it continued. We then moved to our third major setpiece of the episode that had all the women arriving at a party for some socialite. Aviva kindly took this time to confront LuAnn about WineGate, another ridiculous incident that I thought had been buried after last week’s Reindeer-Santa headband confrontation. But no. Aviva suddenly wanted to talk about it; so she pulled LuAnn aside and told her she was being mean to Ramona. This was none of Aviva’s business, even if she was correct, and LuAnn was none too happy about it. With fire in her eyes, LuAnn declared that she and Jacques were merely profiling Ramona’s wine — it was a great honor!! Of course, she also said that these women needed to lighten up and have a sense of humor. So which is it LuAnn? A joke or an earnest tribute?
Nevertheless, Jacques tried to lighten the mood by playing the piano like Michigan J. Frog, and when that failed, he and LuAnn left the party, but not before Aviva told him in French that he was mean. I don’t know why Aviva was on such a warpath, but I assume she was just trying to get uninvited to the St. Bart’s trip.
Anyway, mere seconds after Jacques and LuAnn were out the door, Aviva, Sonja, and Ramona began gossiping, with Ramona outlandishly suggesting that Jacques wasn’t even French. I mean, that’s as ridiculous as suggesting that Ramona Pinot Grigio is properly pronounced Pinot GREEJO (ahem, LuAnn). Heather, meanwhile, overheard this silly conversation and then turned to Carole and expressed her displeasure with all the women talking behind each other’s backs (note that she was saying this behind the women’s backs). To her credit, Heather did tell Aviva that she thought the questioning of Jacques’ accent was petty and childish, and at this point Ramona literally stuck her ear into the conversation and accused Heather of talking behind people’s backs. Ramona then ran off in typical fashion, leaving a flummoxed Heather to call Ramona crazy to Mario. This gave Aviva the perfect opportunity to turn the tables and accuse Heather of being nasty by calling Mario’s wife crazy, and as this slimy shit began to hit the fan, Bravo gave us a “To Be Continued.”
What sublime ridiculousness. Oh, and Carole got a lizard as a Secret Santa gift. I don’t understand it either.
“For a moment I thought we were about to drink RAMONA’S wine at dinner. What a scare!”
“Does everyone like my hat? It’s actually just a surviving piece of a screen door that was ravaged by Hurricane Irene.”
Sonja: “George, great to see you.”
George: “I just came in my pants thinking about your pussy.”
“Well, that’s charming.”
LuAnn: “Darling, look at these espresso cups. The perfect thing to spit that hideous Ramona Pinot GREEJO into.”
LuAnn: “I mean, does Ramona REALLY think her wine is any good? I told her Jacques was spotlighting it. HAHAHAHAHAHA.”
Sonja: “Where’s my Marie Antoinette costume? Or what about my baseball one? I want to look like a sluttier version of Madonna in A League of Their Own.”
“Hey mama. I’m just so frustrated with Sonja. It’s like she’s dissing me. I’m going to be Outie 5000, ya dig? Holla!”
“Sonja, you look awful. Not even the gays like it. Look at them. It’s like you just declared a love for Crocs.”
Heather: “Okay, so this is setup #2, also known as the one where Sonja voluntarily sticks out her pooch and looks like she’s about to yak up Rumple Minze on her toaster oven.”
“Whoa. I just woke up. What’s going on? Why is my pillow leaving burn marks?”
“Hello ladies. I brought my new toaster oven… IN MY HAT.”
Ramona: “I don’t know how you Downtown girls do it, but I need more than M&Ms for lunch. I need M&Ms and wine.”
Heather: “I’m very concerned about the salad situation.”
LuAnn: “And I’m very concerned about Heather’s sartorial situation.”
“Ramona! You look great in your photo! You look twenty years younger! You can’t even tell it’s you! Looks nothing like you! Also, I’m wearing a pirate shirt; so there’s that.”
“Let’s agree to just have fun from now on. I mean, you were a total bitch during the photo shoot, and you totally didn’t give me credit for my work, but let’s just have fun… or as much fun as a total disaster like you can have. Holla!!!”
Ramona: “Sonja told me you didn’t want me at the shoot.”
Heather: “That’s not true.”
“She said you said ‘I don’t want Ramona to be there.'”
“Well yes, that did happen.”
“So you didn’t want me there.”
“No, I guess not.”
“BECAUSE YOU’RE F*CKING CRAZY.”
“Oh look, Ramona’s over there being crazy. This will be hilarious. And GOOD GOD WHAT IS THIS AWFUL WINE? Oh. It’s vintage Ramona. I should have known.”
Heather: “I just hate the way Aviva, Ramona, and Sonja talk behind people’s backs.”
Carole: “Yeah… you realize you are LITERALLY talking behind their backs right now, yes?”
What did you think about the episode?