Well, the decidedly great Big Brother 14 season has drawn to a close, and while there was never really a clear-cut villain (some people pegged Frank, others Dan), the sheer amount of backstabbing, scheming, and ever-changing strategies truly put this cycle in the upper echelons. Sure, it can’t compete with the brilliance of season six, the characters of season eight, or the general lunacy of season ten, but 14 was a great return to form after two lackluster, go-with-the-flow seasons.
Best of all, we were given one helluva finale. Between Dan, Ian, and Danielle, I didn’t truly know who would win. Ian was likable and skillful, Dan a master gamer, and Danielle and expert social player. All three deserved to win in their own ways, and I would have been happy if any of them had won. A strong part of me was actually rooting for Dan, just based on the brazen schemes he’s pulled off in the past three weeks or so, but when Ian ultimately took home the prize, I was just as happy. After all, I had been pulling for him for the majority of the season (until my allegiance swayed to Dan in the final stretch). My only gripe about the finale was the ridiculous multiple choice round that capped the three-part Head of Household competition. It’s the same thing every year, and it always feel totally arbitrary. Normally I’m okay with it, but I really wanted Dan to win, if only so that we’d have to see him choose between Ian and Danielle. It would have been a phenomenal moment on par with Drew deciding between bros (Cowboy) or ho’s (Diane) on season five. Minor quibble though.
Nevertheless, I remained on the edge of my seat throughout the episode, and none more than that super awkward interlude when the Chenbot appeared to have inhaled an errant screw or microchip. The poor woman could barely breath, and when it was time for her to inevitably shepherd in the next jury question, her voice sounded as feeble as Jessica Tandy in the later portions of Fried Green Tomatoes (actually, she was pretty spunky throughout that movie, but I refuse to back away from a Tandy reference once I’ve made one).
Luckily, Julie Chen rebooted her system and eradicated that spinny wheel over her lungs. The rest was smooth sailing. She was a pro, even when moderating a rather rushed reunion that saw the return of Janelle and Boogie, among others. Poor Jody, meanwhile, didn’t even get a pity question thrown her way. This is why the Big Brother finale needs to be two hours: more time for questions. Top on my list: “Joe, when will you shave your awful soul patch.” And then “Wil, how could you bite the AMAZING hand that feeds you, a.k.a. Goddess Janelle?” And then “Jojo, are you still just being you?”
Anyhoo, after an awkward grilling that resulted in Ian outing one last sneaky Dan-ism (promising his grandfather’s gold chain as collateral for a final two pact), the jury decided it had had enough of Coach Gheesling. They nearly unanimously voted for Ian to win, with the only vote headed Dan’s way courtesy of Danielle, who truly gave him her key as a courtesy. She was peeved. Hopefuly she’s calmed down now and realized that she would have never survived nearly as long as she did without Dan by her side.
And with that, the season is over and we must transition to more highminded fare like Survivor and Revenge. A quick word about my blog: as many of you have seen, I’ve been only producing content sporadically, and that’s because I have some other cool projects I’ve been working on. They are taking more and more of my time, and I’ve come to realize that splitting my time between them and the blog is only serving to slow down output on both fronts. Therefore I’m going on a *temporary* break so I can finish up my other stuff and then come back blazing on the blog. There will still be occasional updates (podcasts, easy food posts here and there), but in general, it’s going to be pretty quiet for the next month or two. I will still be very active on Twitter and Instagram, and the archives of this site are full of posts that are worth discovering or rediscovering. Thanks for your patience! Now, on to the photocap!!
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I have tuberculosis.”
“Tonight, one person will win the half million dollar prize, BUT FIRST, let’s look at this idiot on the TV.”
“Sometimes… late at night… I remember the goats mother had… they’re dead now.”
“I probably shouldn’t throw this competition and trust Dan because he’s betrayed me over and over and over and over again… but maybe THIS time he won’t!”
“Dan, do you think if I win this game, I’ll be able to buy the Brooklyn Bridge?”
“Oh this challenge is no sweat. This is how I remove my makeup every night!”
“I am so ready for these jury deliberations. How will I vote? What will I say?? I’M SUCH A FRIGGIN’ WILDCARD!!!!!”
“YEEEHAW!!! I DON’T HAVE A SOUL PATCH ON MY CHIN. IT’S A YETI VAGINA!”
“Britney raises some good points. I wasn’t expecting them. She’s such a wildcard. Wait, no. What am I saying? I’M THE FRIGGIN’ WILDCARD HERE!!!”
“I wonder if apricots like to sleep in actual cots.”
“Oh Frank. You’re my ideal man: you’re tall, you have skin, you don’t have scales, you have at least one lung, and you’re alive!”
“Literally, you people are the worst jurors ever. If we don’t reach a verdict soon, I am going to literally find a gavel, bang myself over the head with it, and then sentence myself to death, effective RIGHT NOW.”
“Guys, just wanted to let you know that I told my dream board that I wanted to wear red today and then I wound up wearing red. Totally works!”
Ashley: “My favorite moment of the summer was A) when I ate a cranberry.”
Jenn: “I’m not going to tell you guys the answer to this question. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. I’M SUCH A FRIGGIN’ WILDCARD!”
“I would just like to say that if I win the money, I will use it to continue my research in the Khaki Sciences.”
In a daring move, Danielle shocks everyone by wearing her new chair dress.
“Uh, nice game? I mean, what am I supposed to say to this idiot?”
“Julie, do you have any foundation I can use? I’m afraid I don’t look cakey enough.”
“Hello, I’m Oprah Winfrey.”
“Wait… this isn’t Best Buy…”
“Dear Dan: do you know how to fix the microphone I’ve been fiddling with DURING THIS ENTIRE SHOW???”
Jenn: “Ian, what term would you use to describe my wildcard-ness: FRIGGIN’, FRIGGIN’, or FRIGGIN’? Bet you thought I’d give you three different choices, huh? Not Jenn-City. I’M SUCH A FRIGGIN’ WILDCARD!”
“OH MY GOSH! I’m shocked yet again by something very obvious that anyone could have seen coming had they just thought about it!!!”
Ian: “I would now like to sing the complete works of Englebert Humperdinck.”
“I deserve to win because I dressed like a used car salesman tonight, and that’s pretty ballsy.”
“You know what makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside? A recently killed chipmunk that I’ve just eaten.”
“I tinkled on the key box. Hehe!”
“Okay, my train to Dreamland is here. Byeeeee!!!”
“Having to decided between the two of you literally is making my brain explode. Like, there are first responders racing to put out the flames inside my head, and it burns so much that I just want to friggin’ chop my head off with an axe. Literally.”
“YEEEHAWWWW!!!! SOMETIMES MAH WIFE CALLS MAH SOUL PATCH A ‘HAIRY APOSTROPHE.’ WHOOOWEEE DAGNABBIT!!!”
“I’m basing this vote not on who deserves to win, but who likes my hair plugs most.”
“Wait, you guys didn’t vote for Dan? You people are idiots.”
“I can’t believe I won! Thanks Boogs. Thanks Boogs. Thanks Boogs.”
Dan: “You know, you can stop saying that now.”
Ian’s Mom: “I can’t believe my little boy just won! Does this mean I get to take a tour of the NCIS set?”
“Well, I made it through the finale with only one coughing fit. Now, who do YOU want to see gasping for air on live television? Stay tuned…”
The camera catches the audience just moments before Ian’s shadowy stalker rushes the stage and demand he play in an impromptu game of $10,000 Pyramid.
Julie: “From outside the Big Brother house, enjoy this three-way kiss. Goodnight.”
[OMNOM NOM NOM]
What did you think about the finale?
See you next season, Big Brother fans!