2011: Real Housewives of Miami debuted with little promotion and instantly bored fans and critics alike. It was a creative dud and a massive disappointment for a sexy city filled with so many exotic and “spicy Latinas” (everyone loves them, according to an Urban Outfitters’ t-shirt). Without a doubt, Miami was roundly considered the worst of the Housewives, even worse than DC, which has since been canceled.
2012: Miami has done a massive turnaround, thanks to an injection of more colorful characters, sharper editing, and more salacious storylines. The cast has seemingly quadrupled with oodles of ancillary characters, all of whom are hilarious in their own feisty way. True — some of the stories feel forced or staged (ie. anything with Joanna) — but I’ll take a few dumb scenes with Marta if it means I get to see more idiots tossed in a pool (or better yet, slapped in the face).
To be honest, Miami is the most entertaining Housewives on Bravo at the moment, which says a lot given that it’s airing alongside the franchise heavy hitters Beverly Hills and Atlanta. Those two series’ have yet to find their footing in their third and fifth season, respectively. Miami, meanwhile, is in the zone, and that might be in large part thanks to the parents. First we had Elsa. Then Lucero (Karent’s mom), and then this week — a parental explosion! Lenny’s Russian mom and dad arrived, full of trilling pushiness, and then came Frederick’s amazingly swanky parents — by far the most stylish and sophisticated people to every grace any Real Housewives episode ever (sorry, Countess). Lastly, we had the arrival of Joanna’s mom, who was greeted by a dry humping from Romain. Appropriate? Perhaps not. Lucky? Most definitely.
In an amusing twist to this all, Lisa decided to host a seder to prove to her in-laws that she was indeed worthy of their Lenny (spoiler alert: SHE WILL NEVER IMPRESS THEM). The fact that any of these women gathered for a seder is already hilarious enough (besting Rachel Zoe’s seder antics a year or two ago by far). However, when the mothers all convened to bash Obama in Lisa’s foyer, I knew we were witnessing something very special. Bravo absolutely needs to give these ladies their own roundtable discussion show. Perhaps a companion piece to Watch What Happens — like what The Colbert Report is to The Daily Show.
Either way, one thing is very clear: Bravo needs to up its senior citizen game. The network keeps trying to go more youthful with all this Silicon Valley crap and Miss Advised. No. Stop. WE LOVE OLD LADIES. Please, Andy Cohen. Who do you think watches Bravo? Gay men and women who love gay men. And what else do they watch? THE GOLDEN GIRLS. PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER, BRAVO. IT’S RIGHT THERE. DON’T SKEW YOUNG. SKEW OLD. CRAZY OLD.
(Oh, but keep Gallery Girls)
Anyway, here’s the photocap:
“Are you all having fun at my eleven year old’s birthday party? I’m gonna stuff a piñata, hang it from a tree limb, and let the kids TEAR IT DOWWWWWN!!!!!”
Lisa and James register complete shock when they learn that it is no longer medically possible to inject more collagen into their upper lips.
“How is it possible that I was married to a man with so much grease in his hair?”
Lenny’s dad: “In Russia, you are what we like to call ‘Skanky Ho.’”
“Let me ask you something, Marysol: you think birthday parties at the Hard Rock Cafe host themselves?!”
“I could really go for some pistachios right now.”
“We’re going around in circles, but the circle has an end. And yes, technically that doesn’t make it a circle, but listen, they don’t pay me the big bucks at Applebees to be good at geometry.”
“I haven’t moved my eyebrows in seven years.”
“Word on the street is that you got me blacklisted at Outback too. If you take away Sizzler, I swear to God I will crush you.”
“Seriously, how can I get some pistachios?”
Acupuncturist: “Didn’t you used to have dimples?”
Lisa: “Yes. You’re massaging them.”
Dr. Karent Sierra: “You’re not cheating on me, are you?”
“Of course not, Linda. That’s your name, isn’t it?”
“Let’s just sit like this until people believe we’re in love.”
Joanna: “Ugh. It’s been ten minutes since I whined about anything. I hate this.”
“WE HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP. HA HA HA. HA HA HA. HA HA HA. ¡MUCHOS BESOS!”
Lisa: “Why [glug] can’t [glug] I [glug glug] have [glug glug] a baby??? [glug glug glug glug glug glug]“
“My scalp is 80% aardvark.”
Joanna: “I think the best part about sex with you is that I get to pretend I’m making love to the autopilot from Airplane.”
“Romain, don’t tell Joanna about our plans to run off to the islands!”
“SHE ALREADY FOUND OUT.”
“She read my email!!! Don’t worry though. I told her I called it off.”
Joanna’s Mom: “I don’t want to talk about Obama.”
Karent’s Mom: “OBAMA? OH, I HAAAAAAAAAAY HEEEEEEEEEEEEM SOOOOO MUSHHHHHH!”
Lisa: “To Passover: the Jewish celebration of low carbs!”
“I HAAAAAAAAAAAAY MAAAATZZZZAAAAAAAAH.”
Lisa: “Of course, Passover is also the time when we remember the story of the Hebrews and their exodus from Egypt.”
“The Pharaoh?? IIIIII HAAAAAAAAAY HEEEEEEEEEEM SOOO MUSSSSH!!!!”
“And of course Moses led the slaves into the desert for forty years.”
“MOSES, HE BERRRY NIIICE. I DON’T HAAAAAAYYY HEEEEM.”
“I REALLY HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. NO MORE STORIES ABOUT MOSES. SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, OR LEAVE! I HAVE ENOUGH!!!”
“Being wife is easy: cook beets, drink Vodka, wear flower dress. Simple!”
“These people in Miami — they are so qu’est-ce que c’est? — rubbery!”
“I didn’t know what to wear; so I went to Romain’s night club, broke a disco ball with a sledgehammer, and strung the shards around my neck! HOW FUN IS THAAAAAT???”
What did you think about this episode?