It’s official. Kim Zolciak has left the building. Yes, Real Housewives of Atlanta’s wiggiest idiot has moved on to greener pastures (specifically the pastures that serve Chick Fil-A and cigarettes). After her cast mates confronted her about always having excuses when it comes to social plans — or in this case, vacation plans — Kim stormed out of the restaurant like Thomas the Train and into the arms of husband Kroy, who had materialized out of thin air. The two then became belligerent with the cameras as if there were some obscene invasion of privacy going on (there wasn’t), and just like that Kim was gone. And so begins the quiet dimming of her star, which had at times shined bright like a diamond. Or maybe just a shard of a plastic Pepsi bottle.
With Kim gone, the rest of the cast headed off to Anguilla for a couples’ getaway. And what a getaway it was. Love was in the air. I speak, of course, of the boner Peter had for Kordell Stewart. “Man crush” doesn’t even describe Peter’s feelings towards Kordell. I swear the man is ready to drop trou and bend over. Cynthia better be letting her nips flop out all the time if she wants to compete with Kordell.
Peter wasn’t the only one attempting to woo some ass in the Caribbean. Greg Leakes continued his campaign to sweep Nene off her feet by telling strange jokes about his eyeballs, and while it may have elicited a chuckle from the group, I still think Greg’s best bet would be to switch out his wardrobe, which currently consists of pastel patterns that may have been shat out from some sadistic Easter Bunny.
Also looking for love was Kenya, who happily flirted with any and all gentlemen in front of poor Walter. This included Apollo, who Kenya happily placed her paws on whenever she had a chance. Phaedra was none to happy about this and responded by donning some sort of stripper bathing suit that would make Courtney Stodden blush. For a church-going lady like Ms. Parks, this certainly seemed like a curious choice. Then again, this is also a lady who thinks a Willie Watkins funeral is the epitome of class; so who knows what she’s thinking.
Luckily, Phaedra returned her hoochie outfit to Skanks ‘R’ Us before she welcomed the Minister of Tourism to the group; although, I’m not sure it would have mattered, what with the entertainment the man had lined up for the women. After a brief introduction extolling the local culture, the Minister then ushered in a dance troupe which proceeded to employ several different varieties of booty shakes. I’m not one to scoff at cultural differences, but it did seem a bit AMUSING. Then again, this is the same island that serves up cocktails called “Fuck Me Sideways” with a straight face.
What a peculiar trip.
“Don’t tell anyone, but I got three bread dishes in my vagina right now.”
“I can’t believe how inconsiderate Kim is. Do you know how hard it is for me to get away from The Bailey Agency? I have TENS of new clients come in monthly!”
“I can’t wait to see Apollo on the trip. He’s a tall drink of water. You know what else is a tall drink of water? This tall drink of water right here.”
“Ewwww. I just imagined all of the gross things Greg would say on vacation.”
“HAHAHAHA look! It’s a pinball machine that don’t have no pins! What they thinking??”
Peter: “Do you think Kordell Stewart will want to play golf with me? I can sort of play. Maybe he can teach me. And we can become friends. And then Kordell and I will be, like, BESTIES. Do you think, Cynthia? Do you think??”
Cynthia: “Peter will be here shortly. He took a picture of Kordell into the men’s room and said he’d be out in five. Oh, Peter also wants to know if any of you ladies happen to have any lotion.”
Kordell: “Wait, this isn’t the aquarium.”
Porsha: “Yeah it is. See? The sign over there says ‘Delta,’ and that’s like a really big fish, right?”
Kenya: “Driving this boat is making me horny. And this skipper is one TALL DRINK OF WATER.”
“Uh, don’t you have a boyfriend?”
“Yeah. That Walter guy.”
“I’m not familiar.”
Greg: “When I bought this shirt, I closed my left eye, and my right eye was all ‘Why you close that eye? I ain’t done nothing wrong’ and then I closed my right eye, and my left eye opened, and then my right eye opened, and then they both closed, and then they both open, and I say ‘Eyes, what you doing?’ and them eyes was like ‘Just lookin’. That’s what we do.’ And so I said ‘Right eye, close up’ and–“
Nene: “We get it, Greg.”
Peter: “I’d like to dedicate this trip to the love of my life: Kordell Stewart.”
“I’m so happy you all could make it to the beautiful island of Anguilla. So let’s all raise our glasses and enjoy our Fuck Me Sideways.”
Cynthia: “I don’t get it. Why don’t you want to have sex?”
Peter: “I dunnno. I’m just a little bummed. I don’t think Kordell likes me. Do you think he does? omg, tell me everything.”
“Wow, I feel like I’m swimming in a TALL DRINK OF WATER.”
“I’m really stressed. Last time I left the Bailey Agency for a week, I missed two phone calls.”
Phaedra: “Yes, I do wear this to court.”
Kenya: “You’re so cute, Apollo.”
Walter: “Uh, it’s Walter.”
“Really? Isn’t that what I said?”
“No, you said Apollo.”
“Huh. Is your name maybe Apollo too?”
“No. It’s WALTER.”
“Wait… why are we kissing?”
“Because we’re dating.”
“Oh. Are you funny or something?”
“Got a great job?”
“I have a tow truck.”
“You want to get married?”
“WHAT AM I DOING WITH THIS SHORT MUG OF WATER??”
What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on Kim leaving?