VANDERPUMP RULES REUNION PHOTOCAP: Wherein Idiots Confront Idiots

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One of the worst shows to land on Bravo in ages has to be Vanderpump Rules, but unlike those legions of terrible and forgettable series like Mis/Advised or LOLwork, this vile turd is so bad it actually has become fun to watch. Now I’m not an ironic TV viewer — I don’t generally tune in to something awful simply to mock it. If I’m ridiculing something, I tend to enjoy it at some base level.

However, Vanderpump Rules is so loathsome, I couldn’t help but immerse myself in it. Even worse, I’ve become invested in it. I wouldn’t say that I care about any of the vapid servers at SUR, the tacky restaurant that provides the backdrop for this show. It’s more that I’m fascinated to see actual Mean Girls doing what they do best: instill fear in the weak, inspire hostility in the equally matched, and divide and conquer the rest. The intrigue stems not from whether Jax and Stassi might reunite but rather from the always looming possibility that someone might please, please put these idiots in their place (spoiler alert: it never seems to happen).

By the time we wound up at the reunion this week, we’d amassed so much deplorable behavior from the entire cast, that it was a minor joy seeing these kids face the stinky bullshit they’d been tossing around. Some people, like professional doofus Jax, caught plenty of heat for questionable, if not downright sleazy choices. However, others like queen B Stassi seemed to only get a light slap on the wrists. Not fair, I say! Luckily, the thrashing Stassi’s surely receiving on the Internet will more than make up for Andy Cohen’s lack of needling. And I’m only too happy to participate!

After the jump, a photocap from the reunion…


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Stassi: “Hi Andy. I’m wearing a very fashionable ensemble on account of me being both a model and a fashion journalist, WHICH I AM.”
Kristen: “Everyone who talks at this reunion is really good looking. Sorry.”
Tom: “My hair products drive Kristen crazy. Well, not literally. I still don’t have a license to drive.”

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“Would you guys say you’re very smart?”

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Stassi: “Yes. I went to an all-girls school that no one’s heard of.”
Kristen: “Everyone who talks at this reunion is really smart. Sorry.”
Tom: “I shave my forehead.”

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Katie: “I didn’t know what to wear; so I just tore up my shower curtain.”
Scheana: “I’m actually the classiest person to ever come from Azusa.”
Jax: “Ha. I just remembered this thing I saw. It was like a lake, but smaller. I think it’s called a puddle. Ha. So funny.”

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“The problem is this: I’ve hired a staff of idiots.”

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“Hey, Annndy, I knyow that when Styassi cyalls me a whore, she really myeans that I’m, like, NYOT a whore.”

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“Scheana, on behalf of all models with mature faces, I say thank you.”

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Andy: “Hey Lisa, you think Jax likes me?”
Lisa: “Oh Andy. His crotch is like a petri dish for diseases.”
“HOT.”

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“I love Stassi so much. Like, when I think about the years we can have together with her yelling at me, and me wearing big sweaters, it’s like… it’s all I ever want.”

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“You know, every time I impregnate a porn star in Vegas, it reminds me of just how much I love Stassi.”

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“If I could live with Stassi and have her make every decision for me, that would mean I would truly never have to use my brain. That’s just an amazing prospect.”

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“The other day, when I was at the gym, Stassi sent me a text that said ‘I hate you. Don’t ever speak to me again,’ and I just knew that she cared about me. It was great. Plus, I totally maxed out my delts.”

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“Jax, has Stassi ever punched you?”

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“Yeah, she broke my nose. Blood everywhere. Hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt.”

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“You have no idea how hard that was for ME. I, like, hate the sight of blood, and I had to look at it. That was SO hard on ME.”

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“I couldn’t even feel my nose. I thought I would pass out. Plus, it ruined about five modeling gigs for me.”

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“I’d like to point out that I was the real victim here. I got a bruise on my pinky.”

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“Did you lose a modeling gig also?”

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“No. In fact, I’m proud to announce that you’re looking at the new face for Reynolds Tire Shop on Verdugo Boulevard. I’m a big deal in Burbank.”

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“HOLY SHIT I JUST ACCIDENTALLY TOOK A XANAX. THIS SHIRT IS COMING OFF!!!!”

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Kristen: “I don’t know really how to say this, but speaking model to model, I feel like you were kind of a bitch.”
Stassi: “First of all, as a fellow model, I appreciate your candor, but–”
“Wait. What does ‘candor’ mean?”
“If you don’t know what that word means, then it’s not up to me to educate you. I always do the dictionary research. I learn the words. I take the blame for misusing words. You don’t know how hard this is for ME.”
“Your hair looks really pretty today, Stass.”
“Thanks!”

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Andy: “Jax, why are you so gargantuan in your chair?”

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Andy: “Also, quick quesh: who’d you rather do? Me or Lisa? Before you answer, might I remind you that my chest hair has often been compared to a chunky sweater.”

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“Well, I’ve certainly contributed MUCH to this reunion.”

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Scheana: “You guys, I have a big annyouncemyent. I’m a fyinalist in Azusa’s Got Tyalent.”

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“I would do anything to win you back, Stassi. If I could, I’d take every herpes sore I gave Laura-Leigh and give them to you instead.”

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“Ew. She has MY sores? I was her only friend. I made her. And this is how she repays me??”

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“Don’t blame her. It was my fault.”

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“I don’t think you realize: I befriended Laura-Leigh in an effort to make Katie and Kristen jealous. And then she took that friendship, which was based on ulterior motives, and THREW IT IN MY FACE. What sort of a friend DOES THAT TO A SUPERFICIAL FRIENDSHIP?”

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“Please. It’s my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything I did was wrong.”

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“You’re right. It was your fault. Everything you did was wrong.”

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“Really? How could you say that???”

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“Uh… you just said that, Jax. Stassi was just repeating your words back to you.”

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“Yeah, but…”

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“Wait… were you just telling us what we want to hear and not what you actually believe?”

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“Absolutely not. I know everything was my fault.”

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“HE’S LYING! OH GOSH, HERE GOES MY SHIRT!!”

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“Jax, are you a liar?”

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“No. Of course not.”

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“I mean, I lie, yes. But I’m not a liar.

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“But to be honest, I don’t even lie.”

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“I have LITERALLY never told a lie. EVER.”

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“That’s a lie, isn’t it?”

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[crickets]

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“Yes, it is.”

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Stassi: “Caught in your own lies! You stupid man.”
Kristen: “Hahaha. Good one, Stass. Classic model humor right there.”

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Andy: “Question for Stassi.”
Lisa: “Make it quick. I’m bored.”

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“Do I get to browbeat Jax? Because I LOVE that!”

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“So Stassi, you hooked up with Frank two days after you broke up with Jax. That’s kind of slutty, huh?”

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“I needed to be with a man who gave me positive reinforcement. And since I couldn’t find that, I went for a cheap lay with Frank.”

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“The mere mention of that dude’s name makes my jawbones grow three inches.”

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“I’d also like to state that I was not cheating on Jax with Frank. I was merely having SEX with him, but that’s okay because Jax impregnated a girl in Vegas.”

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“I did no such thing.”

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“He lies!!”

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“Okay, I impregnated a girl in Vegas.”

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“But only one girl!”

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“Okay, five girls.”

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“And a turtle.”

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“The turtle was an accident.”

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“Okay, it wasn’t. I wanted to get back at a tree stump I had screwed.”

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“I don’t want to move away from the central issue here, which is that when Jax hopped into bed with Laura Leigh after we broke up, that was fucked up, but when I did the same thing with Frank, that was a really important emotional moment for me.”

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“What is wrong with you Stassi? You’re lucky you’re sitting over there; otherwise I’d smother you with this shower curtain.”

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“No one seems to understand: people from San Diego make fun of me. FOR NO REASON!”

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“Actually, I think the reason is because you’re one of the most vile people who’s ever appeared on television.”

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“No. I’m not vile. I’m charming. But because my supposed best friends didn’t believe me about Jax, everyone hates me now. All of America hates me! And it has NOTHING TO DO WITH MY PERSONALITY, DEMEANOR, OR GENERAL BEHAVIOR.”

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“Like, what have I done to deserve this??”

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“Well, you were a bitch to Scheana for no reason.”

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“You were psychotic to Laura-Leigh.”

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“You punched Jax in his huge face.”

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Andy: “You had a sense of entitlement.”
Lisa: “You were condescending and manipulative.”

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Kristen: “You acted like a spoiled brat and threw fits when you didn’t get your way.”

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“You tried to pit people against each other.”

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“You seemed to thrive on turning people into outcasts.”

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“You whined when things didn’t go your way.”

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“You were just generally LOATHSOME in all manners of your life.”

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“Man, isn’t she great?”

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“Cheers to Stassi being the worst person of all time!!!! Yay!!”

What did you think about the reunion? Could you even stomach the series?

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7 thoughts on “VANDERPUMP RULES REUNION PHOTOCAP: Wherein Idiots Confront Idiots

  1. I thought the show was a perfect display of how attractive people who have solely invested in their own attractiveness are completely useless outside of their looks. Pump Rules gives insight not only into how stupid really shallow people can be but also how dumbed down the people around them will lower themselves just to be seen around attractive people. I loved every dysfunctional vile moment of it. I can’t wait till season 2 when Stassi’s dog mysteriously comes down with herpes after a weekend in Vegas with Jax.

  2. The show is terrible along with all the “waitstaff” “actors””wannabees” but whoever wrote this, you should replace this show on Bravo, get yourself a bunch of people who believe they are gods gift to us all and write a script like this, it would be perfect, unless Bravo has done this already?

  3. Love the photocap! Lisa’s were perfect!

    I watched. You summed up perfectly how I got sucked into this awful show.

    Seems the closest comeuppance for Stassi was the fan backlash – including those people that drove to SUR just to call her a b***h LOL. On WWHL she did admit to reading the internet and was shocked at how hated she was. lol

    What really surprises me the most is how some of these people still work there after Lisa seeing some of the stuff that went on – namely Jax (we know Stassi can do whatever she wants because she’s Pandora’s friend *rolling eyes” ).
    Knowing that one of the employees (namely Jax) could have sex in the bathroom at any given time makes me not want to visit SUR (well if I had any desire in the first place to visit there)
    There are tons of good looking people in LA that I’m sure are great bartenders/servers. it’s not like Lisa can’t find a replacement.

  4. Hilarious again. I can’t get enough of this stuff, and you make it all the better! Now quit reading this and go do the podcast. I can’t wait much longer. :)

  5. It’s such a relief to see you calling out these kids on their behavior.
    Stassi is vile and you completely captured her. Great work.
    How do you accidentally take a Xanax?
    I will watch season 2 for sure, I hope Laura Leigh comes back.

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