I never trust entrepreneurial endeavors spawned from The Real Housewives (although, I did enjoy Ramona Pinot Grigio). However, I always enjoy their ridiculousness. Nothing will ever top Sonja’s mystery toaster oven, and few will be as iconic as She By Shereé. However, in a world where Cafface, Gretchen Christine Beauté, and Gigi’s Extensions are a thing (and yes, I realize that’s from Shahs of Sunset), one shouldn’t be surprised that we now have both Wine By Wives AND Vicki’s Vodka. The latter business hails from Vicki Gunvalson of The Real Housewives of Orange County, and call me crazy, but I never realized vodka was her “thing.” I mean, at least Ramona Pinot Grigio stemmed from Ramona’s much documented love of Pinot. Vicki’s Vodka seems to only be a curious biproduct of alliteration. It’s as if Vicki merely scanned a list of consumer goods starting with “V” and chose her favorite option. This leads me to believe that Vicki’s Veal is just around the corner, perhaps to be followed by Vicki’s Violin Repair or maybe Vicki’s Vaginal Rejuvenation.
Nevertheless, most of the cast headed up to Malibu for some wine tasting because, as Tamra explained, Napa and Temecula were so played out. Yes, the last thing we need is more Temecula dominance of the wine scene, am I right? Listen, I’ve been to wine tastings in Temecula. It’s certainly scenic. But the wine is shit. I mean, imagine a bunch of wineries run by Jim Bellino. That’s what Temecula wine country is. I swear to God, one of the wineries I went to was so overrun by gargoyles and griffins that I immediately turned around and left (opting for the “classier” European “village” just up the hill. Yes, a lot of air quotes, but this is Temecula we’re talking about. If you don’t use air quotes, then you have a problem).
Well, that was a fun rant. Nevertheless, the women went up to Malibu to sample some wines for their Wines by Wives club, and of course this led to petty drama. Namely, Tamra getting mad at Vicki for leaving early on the second day. I could sort of understand the frustration — after all, this was a business, and the responsibility was supposed to be shared. But let’s get real: did Vicki actually have to be there? Did anyone have to be there? The assumption that these women’s palates are evolved enough to make informed decisions about wine is, quite frankly, adorable. Tamra and Vicki could have sent a monkey up to Malibu to pick wines and wound up with the same results. Vicki was not needed.
That being said, it was worth it to hear Vicki and Tamra engage in one of the most fascinating arguments this side of Lincoln-Douglas debates.
“You’re not performing.”
“No, you’re not performing!”
And so on and so forth. Great stuff here.
In other news, Heather continues to be utterly humorless in every possible way. She once again berated husband Terry for cracking jokes during her “Hot In Cleveland” casting afterglow, and when he then snickered at her using the word “tutor” twice during a rant, she stormed off to her closet, furious that he would not take her VERY SERIOUS ISSUES very SERIOUSLY.
Later, Heather hashed out the argument again for the ladies, and of course she made Terry looks like a total asshole, which seemed unfair until he revealed that he had become so irate off camera that he had dared to use the “D” word (ie. divorce). Yikes. Maybe we weren’t getting the full picture after all. Then again, wouldn’t you use the D word if your spouse kept browbeating you about onion rings?
To the photocap!
“Terry, I don’t think you understand: I am a mother, a tutor, a laundress, a supporter, a tutor, an actress, a role model, a tutor, and a tutor to these kids!”
“Terry, I don’t want to hear it. Today was supposed to be about Hot in Cleveland, and instead it feels more like Cold in Calabasas.”
“Wait, was that a joke?”
“Of course it was. I’m Heather DuBrow. I’m KNOWN for my sense of humor!”
“Terry, unless you have a cake bow in pristine condition in your back pocket, I suggest you MOVE ALONG.”
“And furthermore, I smell onion rings on your breath. What do you think this is? Some poor person clam bake?”
Tamra: “See? When you put your own label on it, no one will ever know it’s Franzia!”
“Oh Tamra. You smell so hot.”
“That’s because I rubbed your bike seat all over my neck.”
“Wait, this isn’t a murder mystery party?”
Vicki: “Thanks for picking me up at LAX. My flight was delayed three hours. I guess that’s what happens when you fly Insurance Air. Our pilot was the Aflac duck.”
Vicki: “Seriously, Eddie. When are you going to shave off that disgusting beard?”
Eddie: “I think you crossed the line when you asked the guy if he was dating his daughter.”
Vicki: “What? I just want to make sure they have incest insurance!”
“I’m so proud of this trampooline park. I don’t think I’ve seen any place with so many smiles — except, of course, that one time I worked as a receptionist in a smiley face button factory.”
“If you’re HOT raise your hand. Oh, just me? I guess that’s because I’m the HOT housewife. Hope I don’t melt all the Pellegrino bottles in front of me, on account of my hotness, which I clearly have as indicated by my raised hand. It’s a HOT hand, with out of control HOT emotions!”
“You guys, I accidentally ate a pine cone as my appetizer.”
“I think all relationships have their challenges. For instance, Slade wanted me to get a ‘Sassy Diva’ margarita glass from TJ Maxx, but I was all ‘No, I want a rooster perched on a fleur-de-lis that I can hang in my kitchen.’ In the end we compromised and simply bought a fat ceramic chef holding up a spoon.”
Heather: “Does anyone else smell onion rings in the air?”
Gretchen: “I wonder if they serve coffee here. I’m always confused if I don’t see ‘Coffee Served Here’ wall art. Or a rustic rooster.”
“So here’s the story. I booked a commercial for a nationally recognized fish sticks brand, but then Terry made a callous joke — I believe he said ‘Sounds fishy’ — and now we’re thinking about getting divorced.”
“I know you might think the giant holes in my sleeves are strange, but I recently discovered that I don’t have shoulder pad insurance; so…”
“I like this coat. I think it’s Sheep By Shereé.”
Tamra: “I cannot believe you’re abandoning Wine By Wives.”
Vicki: “I have dinner plans!”
“But this is our business!”
“Please, Tamra. We’re women from Orange County. No one cares about the wine we drink.”
Vicki: “You’re not performing.”
Tamra: “No, YOU’RE not performing.”
“I can’t perform. I don’t have performer’s insurance.”
Heather: “I don’t mean to interrupt your call, but someone brought onion rings inside, and I need to know out who did it.”
Vicki: “I can’t believe how unprofessional Tamra is. I’ll tell you one thing: she will NOT be on the advisory board for Vicki’s Vodka! Nor will she be allowed on any pontoon I may be chartering on Lake Havasu.”
“I would like to take this time to berate you a little bit more.”
What did you think about this episode? Shocked that Terry brought up divorce? Would you order Wine By Wives? And should Vicki have left the tasting early?