Over the weekend, my friend Nic treated me to an afternoon at Disneyland, an experience teeming with thrills and adventure — and that was before we even stepped on a single ride, thanks to the exhilarating people-watching. The populations roaming about were thoroughly fascinating, and our new guessing game (“Valley, Inland Empire, or Orange County?”) kept our wits about us. Of course, analyzing the geographical nature of a bad dye job can be exhausting, especially if you’ve been just shaken about like a craps die in the Tower of Terror. And thus we had to indulge in some Disney sustenance.
When it comes to amusement park food, things can get a little hairy (both figuratively and literally, unfortunately). Luckily, we kept the cuisine simple and the quality high. Pics after the jump…
The first snack of the day was actually a chocolate chip cookie from La Brea Bakery, located just outside both the Magic Kingdom and California Adventure. Definitely a solid snack and a legitimate cookie, especially if warmed up. Clearly, I enjoyed it as I had already decimated most of the cookie before I even remembered to take a picture of it.
Roller coasters abounded.
In California Adventure, we encountered this beaut of a ferris wheel. It’s name: “Mickey’s Fun Wheel.” So charming and inviting!
As you can see, the gondolas (also warmly regarded as CAGES OF DEATH by my friends and me) dangle from oblong tracks within the ferris wheel…
Those oblong tracks cause some funky movements, and because the cruel people of Disney offer no handrails, seat belts, or bars to clasp, you truly feel like you will be ejected from your seat and sent crashing into the people sitting across from you (in my case, two frightened old Asian ladies). Note the unnatural angle of the gondola in this picture.
It’s official. Mickey’s Fun Wheel is the most terrifying ride in all of Disneyland. Not even joking.
Less terrifying (and less interesting for that matter) was the much-hyped Cars ride. As single riders, we were able to board within 40 minutes. Other people in groups waited 2 hours or longer. I would have been livid. This is not an amazing ride, people.
Look how unenthused I am.
The Cars ride did afford me a glimpse of this curious sign, which perhaps signals that we were now entering a Jesus-healing zone. ARE YOU READY FOR A MIRACLE? READY AS I CAN BE!!
Finally, time for lunch. Look no further than Corn Dog Castle! This simple yet SOVEREIGN structure in the heart of California Adventure serves up immaculate corn dogs. Perfectly crisp on the outside, sweet and fluffy on the inside — it’s exactly what you want and need from a corn dog.
Image via Disney Food Blog
Here are things you should know about the Corn Dog Castle.
1) There are no historical tours. Sorry, Mom.
2) According to the signage, “Corn Dogs Rule,” and in fact, the king of the castle does appear to be a corn dog. However, please don’t confuse his cutesy smile for good leadership. After all, what sort of KING offers up his own PEOPLE to humans for CONSUMPTION? This is some dark, Lord of the Rings Denethor shit going on here.
3) There are only three things on the menu: original corn dog, hot link, or cheese stick. Three things. If you haven’t figured out what you’re going to order by the time you get to the window, you should be flogged in the knights’ quarters and dumped in a moat of ketchup and deep fryer run-off. I can’t tell you how many times we watched idiots ask a million questions at the window as if they were embarking on a tasting menu at The French Laundry.
4) There are TWO windows. This is perhaps the most frustrating part of visiting the corn dog kingdom. People never see the second window, and so the line moves slowly. Oh so slowly. And it’s not like the window is hidden. This past time there were two parties at each window, clearly indicating that there were two windows to order from. The couple at the far window (a.k.a. the window that people never see) received their corn dogs and then walked off. One would think the two idiots in Morrissey t-shirts at the front of the line would therefore move to the now-available window and place their order. But no. Instead they just stood there like two piglets waiting to suckle on the teat of window #1. I was so annoyed that I couldn’t even enjoy the irony that staunch vegan Morrissey had two fans lining up for corn dogs at Disneyland. Nevertheless, I offered up a stern and perhaps frosty “There’s a second window open,” which you’d think would be enough to prod these idiots towards window #2, but apparently they couldn’t hear me above the glockenspiels playing inside their brains. It took two other people — one of whom actually had to poke the man — to get them to waddle over to the far window. Don’t be these people.
5) Corn dogs come with apple slices or potato chips. Have this sorted out before you order.