BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Shiny Surfaces, Devious Twists, and A Whole Lot Of Boobs

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Big Brother 15 is off and running. It’s hard to believe, considering that CBS has traditionally premiered the show after July 4th. Nevertheless, I’m more than delighted to have Big Brother back, and so far, I’m digging the cast. With sixteen members, there’s more potential than ever for cattiness and fights, especially amongst the women who all seem to think they’re the hottest in the house. A disaster in the making…

In an effort to combat some of the sleepy gameplay we’ve seen in recent seasons, the producers have introduced a fascinating twist. Every week, America will vote on the Big Brother MVP — the person that we believe is playing the best game. The BBMVP will then be quietly informed of his or her status and be given the power to secretly nominate a third person to go up on the block. Of course, this twist leaves the door wide open for producer manipulation, but I’m not sure I care. Anything that gives these jokers a reason to scheme hard is a-ok by me.

On to the photocap!

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“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I’ve hidden a dead armadillo somewhere in this house.”

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Julie Chen dazzles the audience with her rendition of Whitney Houston’s “Run To You,” thus securing a spot in the top 3 of “So You Think You Can Be Automated.”

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“This season, we’ve taken the runway from Project Runway, the lighting from American Idol, and the phallic objects from a distant planet called Xrsvey-265.

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“Our motto here is ‘Expect the Unexpected.’ Well, it’s time for our first twist. This season, the house guests will not be living in a house, but here: on the set of Chicago.

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“Can’t wait to get into the Big Brother house! Although, it’s gonna be real hard to beat this JUNKYARD THAT I’M PLAYING IN.”

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“A sale on deep v-necks? Must… run… faster…”

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“I never feel sexier than when I’m sitting around, showing off my Margaret Thatcher hair.”

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“Sisters grab your house keys!!!”

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Elissa: “They picked me! What are the odds?”
Rachel: “The odds were high. I know this because I AM VEGAS!”

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“I’m licensed to teach yoga all around the world. In fact, I’m going to start a nonprofit called Yoga Without Borders, which isn’t to be confused with my previous nonprofit, Yoga Within Borders, which was basically me doing Mountain Pose in a Borders bookstore.”

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“I’m nondescript!”

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McCrae: “Sir, have you seen the Noid? I’m trying to get the word out to avoid him.”

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“I’m, like, part Cherokee, which is really cool. But does that mean my grandma is a Jeep?”

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“This is what I call ‘land surfing.’ Hang ten, brah!”

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“TEEPEE WIGWAM PEACE-PIPE AYAYAYAYAY!!! Gosh I love being Cherokee.”

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“My chest is actually the head of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.”

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“See?”

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“I’m going to rollerblade into the hearts of America. And they will hate me for it.”

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Jessie: “Oh my God! This house is perfect for me, the HOTTEST GIRL ON CBS!”

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As Helen looks around her new home for the summer, her heart slowly sinks as she realizes her career as a political consultant is effectively over.

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“Hello. I’m Howard, and I’m aggressively pleasant.”

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Suddenly, the household comes to screeching halt as GinaMarie commits her first fatal mistake: a Titanic impersonation without a Jack to hold her from behind.

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Howard: “Okay, lady, let’s get you into a vat of Purell.”
GinaMarie: “INFECTIONS! WOOOO!!!!”

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“I like to describe my hair as Tootsie chic.”

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“A lot of people say I look like the love child of Taylor Lautner and Eddie Munster. But the joke’s on them because I have no idea what a lovechild is.”

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“Girls hate me. They’re probably just jealous of my above-average, generally pretty, but ultimately unremarkable looks.”

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“Well, I like to rollerblade; so I realize that makes me a huge target. But that’s my cross to bear.”

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“Okay, guys. Secret alliance!”
“Yeah!!!!”
Jeremy: “Awesome! I can’t wait to tell everyone!”

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“I wonder what America will think of my strategy: aligning with the two biggest IDIOTS in the house!”

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Jessie: “You know what I love about our alliance? We all think we’re much hotter than we are.”
David: “But we are hot.”
Jessie: “Oh my God! You’re right!”

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“You know what I love? Napkins.”

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“Wow. I’m boring even when I yell.”

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“Floaters grab a popsicle!”

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“Luckily I’ve prepared for this moment. All I have to do is call upon the sacred Cherokee Dance of the Popsicle.”

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Glad to see Taylor Armstrong has picked up a new gig.

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“If this box doesn’t have a v-neck in it, I’m gonna freak.”

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“I’m slowly dying.”

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“I hope no one discovers that I’m half zombie.”

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“I hope no one discovers that I’m really James, and I once had a Giant Peach.”

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“I hope no one discovers that I’m one of Santa’s Elves.”

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“I hope no one discovers that I’m actually a floater. AND I’ve grabbed a life vest. Which is funny because floaters shouldn’t really need a life vest if they’re already floating.”

What did you think about the premiere? And in case you missed it, check out our new Big Brother web show called “The TV Clique: Big Brother.” It’s me, Ronnie Karam (trashtalktv.com) and Matt Whitfield (Yahoo!). Check out our first ep below!

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16 thoughts on “BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Shiny Surfaces, Devious Twists, and A Whole Lot Of Boobs

  1. So happy these are back <3 I almost look forward to your recaps more than the show itself.

  2. my great great but not too great grandpa was a grand supreme cherokee princess president on said:

    I swear, the cherokee in me is wanting to slap the cherokee out of Jeremy Wigwam. Really, on top of being a big douche he’s the definition of “native when I want to impress the ladies, but white when I need a job, etc”.

    Love your assessment. Keep up the great work

  3. Yay, a new photocap! I love these. My favorite caption was the one about Taylor… LOL. I think I like the twist… it’ll be interesting to see who the audience votes for each week.

    And seriously, how could Rachel’s sister think she could get away with not telling people she’s Rachel’s sister? She’s a slightly smaller version of Rachel.

  4. I loved the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and the Margaret Thatcher hair references! So funny! So random!

  5. Oh my! Andy really does look like an elf (at least in this picture).
    But as Rebecca said, on your podcast after the first episode, David looks like Hermey, the wanna be dentist from the Isle of Misfit Toys (Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer cartoon).

  6. Aaryn and Jessie live in cities that are about 30 minutes apart from one another…..and they seem pretty chummy already/

  7. I was mortified for Jesse thinking she’s so hot. She’s going to have rude awakening once she leaves the house and hears what people think of her. Normally, I wouldn’t think the opinions of the general TV-watching public should matter to anyone, but since she clearly has nothing going on other than her belief that she’s hotter than everyone, it’s going to be tough for her.

  8. Followed Ben for years on TVGasm….the best!

    What a bunch of tools…albeit entertaining, in a pathetic way. I am 68 yrs old, love all this reality TV, but if my granddaughter or grandson acted like these people, I would disown them.

  9. I like the helpful info you provide in your articles.
    I will bookmark your blog and check again here regularly.
    I’m quite sure I will learn lots of new stuff right here! Best of luck for the next!

  10. Doesn’t Jessie kind of look like Aunt Jackie of Roseanne fame? Also, Aaryn is a tool.

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