Well, we’re a few episodes into the latest season of Real Housewives of New Jersey, and I’m proud to report that Joe Gorga and his sister Teresa are still mad at each other. The two haven’t seen each other in a year (except, um, for that whole reunion thing they did together a few months ago on Bravo), but that all changed Sunday night when the two happened to run into each other at the gym. Who would have expected that? They were only mic’d up and toting camera crews. Totally organic!
Nevertheless, the two got into yet another spat, and I won’t bore you with the details, but the arc was the same as always: Teresa painted herself as a saint, used elliptical logic to exonerate her husband, got really mad, and flipped something over (in this case, a trash can). Sadly, this was the most exciting moment of the season.
In the end, Joe wound up grunting away on a weight machine like a feral baboon while Teresa huffed away with her trainer, Nicole Greco-Peepas — a.k.a. the future name of any daughter, pet, or houseplant that may come under my custodial care.
Of course, there was other yelling in the episode, but it mainly came from drunk Rosie, who became excitable at the joint birthday party for Richie and his daughter Victoria. I don’t know if it was the Scotch (it was) or her general lesbian horniness (that too), but Rosie wound up screaming about Teresa, which was fun, but not nearly as fun as Victoria welcoming everyone to “me and my father’s” birthday party. Ah, Jersey grammar. It’s almost as thrilling as those famous Jersey peppers.
Jersey Peppers? You know, the ones that will be served at Little Town, Hoboken’s newest dining establishment, courtesy of the Manzo brothers. Yes, moving on from their thirty-third failed venture, the brothers have decided to segue into the famously easy-to-succeed restaurant business with an eatery that will boast elevated fare from locally sourced foods. Sounds promising. And if that stellar 2.5 star rating on Yelp is any indication, Little Town is off to a blazing start.
From one reviewer:
“A bar that tries to be a restaurant that tries to be a bar that tries to be about New Jersey.”
Well, at least there’s no dedicated corner to a Cafface pop-up. (There is, however, a bathroom attendant, according to Yelp).
Meanwhile, in Melissa-ville, our oft-displayed housewife has moved into the world of publishing with an advice book about marriage. Look for the tome in the “Humor” section of Barnes & Noble.
Here’s the photocap:
Joe is momentarily halted as he ponders the age old question: did the word ‘orange’ come from the fruit or the color?
“Joe, we brought your dad to the hospital in the wee hours of Sunday, and then I was sick on Monday and Tuesday, and then I visited on Wednesday. That’s two days! I swear on this stack of forty-five pancakes.”
“STAWP TALKING TO ME ABOUT GAME OF THRONES ALREADY. I DON’T WATCH IT!!!”
Albert: “This is a little bland. Add some heat. And more sauce. Preferably from a jar. I run a catering hall, and as we all know, catering halls have the best food.”
Albert: “Here’s what you do: you make a grilled cheese and cut it into a circle. And on the side, you take a tomato, and you cut it into a square. So the square thing is circular and the circular thing is square. Big hit. Huge.”
Albert: “Take my advice, and you’ll be a top-rated Michelin restaurant.”
Chef: “Wow! I can’t even imagine having a Michelin star!”
“I don’t know anything about stars. I just mean you’ll be the top rated restaurant for Michelin employees.”
“Here’s the key to a successful marriage: loyalty, sex, and hair plugs.”
“It’s official: I’m sexy.”
“I’m so proud of my sons. They will no longer be failures. They will be restauranteurs! Pioneers in an industry that’s known for… failure. Dammit.”
“I only wish my bitch daughter Lauren were here. But hey, the egg salad at Cafface don’t make itself!”
“I’m sick of Teresa telling me I’m a slut. Although, to be fair, I did show up to this party naked.”
“Wait, were we supposed to dress up for this party?”
“Hey, I’m not amish. I enjoy a cigarette and a Scotch. And a zipper. OH HOT DAMN I LOVE A MOTHERFUCKING ZIPPER.”
“WHO ELSE HERE WANTS TO GET DRUNK AND YELL ABOUT MALLARDS?”
“Hey JOE. Did I evah tell you I’m a good blower? I’m such a good blower!”
“Jesus, Teresa. I’m your brother.”
“My shirt is made from melted candle.”
In the absence of any cogent arguments, Teresa simply takes a dump.
“Teresa, I will always resent you for taking hair off my scalp and putting it on your forehead.”
“My husband didn’t call me a c*nt to my face. He did it behind my back, which as we all know is such a nicer way of saying things.”
“Wow, my sister is totally nuts. And it’s giving me an erection.”
Joe: “GRRRRRRRR. THIS IS THE LAST TIME I SIGN UP FOR A MALE PREGNANCY EXPERIMENT.”
What did you think about the episode?