BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Jeremy Finds Himself Low on the Totem Pole

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The Moving Company continues to be one of the most epic Big Brother alliance failures of all time, perhaps supplanting The Four Horsemen (er, Santa Monica Van Boys?) for the title of Biggest Flop. This week saw the exit of The Moving Company’s most outspoken member, Jeremy, who was backdoored by Helen in a generally drama free ouster. I’m not sure why Jeremy and fellow nominee Aaryn didn’t attempt to sully Spencer’s reputation and get him thrown off the block — maybe they did, and it simply wasn’t shown on the episode. It seemed like a logical move. People already have trust issues with the guy, and it’s not like he’s some shining example of civility and good character. But then again, it may be asking too much for Aaryn and Jeremy to apply their collective braintrust to anything halfway strategic.

For now, Aaryn seems content to do damage control by making insincere remarks to house guests and then later demanded props for being so insincere. It’s a pretty fascinating study in how awful one person can truly be. Huzzah!

On to the photocap!

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“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and my extensions have their own microclimate.”

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“Look at me: crying like a queer.”

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“Once again, I’m being discriminated against for being blonde. Like, I’m sick of always getting jobs and having taxis not ignore me and getting preferential treatment in general. Why is life so hard?”

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“Not to freak you out or anything, but your reflection is Cousin It.”

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“This is such a perfect example about how life is: idiots like me will get ahead simply because I’m blonde, white, and pretty. Isn’t it great?”

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“People hate people who are good at things. So, for instance, the blacks are good at sports and rap music, which is why so many people hate them.”

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“People hate people who are cute. Like, I’m sorry I’m hot and not some ugly Guatemalan.”

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“They just want to take down the strong people. Well, guess what? I have Knowledge, Know-how, and Kindness. It’s what I like to call the KKK advantage.”

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“See? I’m not mean. I’m just aggressively creepy.”

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“This is the native stance of my people. I still don’t know why I wasn’t named Hand Walker instead of Baby Buffalo Who Was Dropped On His Head By Irresponsible Mother Buffalo.

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“Aaryn, for the last time, I’m not Kristi Yamaguchi.”

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“Oh my gosh, McCrae, that smile was the most adorable thing ever. It was like watching a black person playing basketball for the first time.”

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“So you’re just full-on racist, huh?”

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“Hardly. I just make jokes. I’m funny — like the Jews.”

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“Howard, I did not mean anything disrespectful by anything I said. I have nothing against black people. It’s the Mexicans that are the real problem. I mean, just go ahead and TAKE our jobs (that I’ll never apply for).”

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“I’m sorry, Howard, shall I rephrase my comments in a way that you can understand? Motherfucker bitch guns in da club Jay Z n-words in France dis dat dey aiight Obama.”

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“Everyone should realize that it is very difficult for me to treat people with basic levels of respect and courtesy, and I should be congratulated for my attempt to do what comes naturally to almost every other person in society.”

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“Hey guys — Nick’s favorite paperclip is gone. Guys… this isn’t funny. That paperclip was important. He once touched it and said ‘Why is there a paperclip here?’ You guys… SERIOUSLY.”

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“Which one of yous took the paper that Nick was going to write his love letter to me on but never did?”

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“Okay, we’ve all had a good laugh. Now one of youse tell me where to find Nick’s favorite paper napkin.”

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“This isn’t funny anymore. If none of yous fess up, I’m going to kick some… some…”
Aaryn: “Ass.”
“BASS. I will go to a fish shop and kick a bass.”
Aaryn: “Ass. Not bass.”
“NUT PASS. None of yous get a nut pass! You all have to eat peanuts!”
“You’re making no sense.”
“NO CENTS. NONE OF YOUS WILL MAKE A CENT ON THE NUT PASS. SO THINK ABOUT THAT!”
“I give up.”
“I GIVE PUPS. YEAH, I GIVE PUPPIES AWAY. SO ALL OF YOUS ENJOY A PUPPY. BECAUSE I’M GIVING THEM TO PEOPLE, AND ALL OF YOUS ARE PEOPLE. SO I’LL PROBABLY GIVE YOU A PUPPY.”

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“If no one tells me where Nick’s toenail clippings are, I’m going to seriously cry. Without them, what am I supposed to nibble on late at night?”

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“If Nick knows I lost his lucky contact lens solution, he’ll never want to marry me. I’ll be stuck with Gino Antonucci, getting banged every Friday in the stock room of a Sports Chalet.”

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“She’s crying like an illegal whose favorite taco stand just burned down.”

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“Nick will never forgive me for losing his favorite wad of chewed gum.”

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“Hey Julie, I’m great. This show is so fun. I’m, like, obSESSed. Thankkkkkkssss for assssking.”

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“None of yous better be sitting on Nick’s favorite cushion. Also, I’m a 47 year old realtor.”

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“Julie, tonight I decided to dress like this to show America that I’m actually a cowboy from Oklahoma.”
Julie: “Really?”
“No. That was a lie. I apologize. Personally, I am not a cowboy. But I had to be one to protect my game.”
Julie: “Why is that?”
“I’m sorry, Julie. That was a lie too.”

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Amanda: “And then you’re going to move to Florida, and you’re going to wake up every morning at 7:18 AM, make me coffee, make the bed, make the dog bed, and then go to work.”
McCrae: “Will people be ordering pizzas that early in the morning?”
“McCrae — you’re not going to be a pizza boy.”
“You’re right. I’m going to be a pizza MAN!”

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“Julie, people were threatened by my height and tattoos, not my obnoxious, anti-Semitic, and sexist words. I mean, that’s just ridiculous to think otherwise.”

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“Julie, now that I’m HOH, I’m really looking forward to an extremely boring week in the house.”

What did you think about the episode? Happy with the results?

Also, be sure to check out our new web show, The TV Clique: Big Brother. The episode below covers week four. Lots of analysis, snarky comments, bitchy remarks, and perhaps even a nip slip:

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15 thoughts on “BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Jeremy Finds Himself Low on the Totem Pole

  1. Loving it once again. I wish BB would use you for their show. Would make it so much more fun to watch each week. Keep it going can’t wait to see what you have coming up. Gm comments were the best. She is so scary!!!

  2. Too funny! I love these! Can’t wait to see it every week now. What ever will you do if Aaryn leaves this week? Those are the best!

  3. You have to get tired of hearing how hilarious your photcaps are.. so I won’t say again… I won’t.. I won’t… ah hell.. frickin’ hilarious!!! :)

  4. Aaryn: “I’ve got knowledge, know-how, and kindness…that’s what I call the KKK advantage”. That made me laugh out loud. My day is made…maybe even my week. Thanks for posting these.

  5. I can see it now! A new Fox News show! You titled it here, “Aaryn Nation”!

    Aaryn is qualified. She’s blonde, ignorant, blonde, plays the “downtrodden white” victim card well, and she’s blonde!

  6. Holy shit – you nail it EVERY time. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Shared it on Twitter – the BB tweeps love you. : )

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