BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Andy Proceeds Gingerly

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So much has happened in the Big Brother house, and yet… nothing has happened at all. The people in power remain in power, the targets remain the targets, and as far as I can tell, despite the chaos of a double eviction and backdoor blindside (bye Judd!), we’ve still got a double barrel aimed at Jessie and Spencer and not Amanda and McCrae, where it belongs (metaphorically speaking, of course). Helen did try to sway new HOH Andy to nominate the loathsome duo, but little did she realize that he’s oddly loyal to them, and therefore he nominated JesSpencer (see what I did there?) for eviciton for the umpteenth time. This made me livid, but at the same time, Helen had her chance last week to oust Amanda, and she was entirely too cautious about it. Make your moves when you can, woman!

My only fear is that Andy will now tell McCranda about Helen’s intentions, and soon their wrath will be upon her. I won’t have it! Yes, Helen is aggressively phony (her whole spiel to Aaryn about being the next Janelle nearly made me puke — actually, it did. I got a stomach flu later that night and spent hours over my toilet spewing all sorts of unpleasant things). But nevertheless, Helen’s got a brain, and that’s more than I can say about most of the people in this house.

Anyway, on to the photocap…


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“Y’all may be defaming me now, but at least I don’t have to go home to Staten Island.”

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“Staten Island is a beautiful place. We got a dump, a mall, and Sports Authority. So, enough out of yous.”

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“So I guess it’s okay for you to defame me, but I can’t defame Staten Island.”

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“Listen, yous. I don’t know what ‘defame’ means, but once I find out, I will have some very strong thoughts about it!”

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“Have fun being ignored by Nick the rest of your life.”

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“DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT! NICK LOVES ME, AND I KNOW IT BECAUSE ONE TIME HE ATE A YOGURT, AND SINCE I SOMETIMES EAT YOGURT THAT WAS HIS WAY OF SAYING ‘YO, GINAMARIE, MARRY ME AND LET’S EAT YOGURT UNTIL WE’RE OLD’ AND I WAS ALL ‘AYYYY YOU GUYS WE HAVIN’ YOGURT AT OUR WEDDING!!!!’”

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“You’re certifiably insane.”

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“I may be insane, but at least my mother loves… loves…”
Aaryn: “Me.”
“Peas. At least my mother loves peas. Yeah, she eats her vegetables. Unlike your mom who eats… eats…”
Aaryn: “Gina Marie, just stop.”
“Bus stops. Yeah, your mom eats bus stops. Because she’s a monster. Like godz… gah…g–”
Aryn: “Ugh. Godzilla.”
“Like Codzilla. Your mom is like a giant cod that walks around and steps on buildings. Way to go, Candice. Why don’t you say I’m sorry to the Japanese people your mom killed? Huh?”

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Aaryn: “Ugh. Black people.”
Jessie: “Ugh. Not-hot-as-me people.”

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Aaryn: “Guys, who do I nominate. Do we have any Puerto Ricans?”

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Amanda: “Are we totally convinced that this man is Spencer? I mean, it’s totally possible that it’s Howard in a Spencer costume. Just sayin’.”

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Aaryn: “If I take you off the block, will you admit that you’re not the hottest girl here?”
Jessie: “Yes, I will lie for you.”

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Aaryn: “Okay guys, are we going to backdoor Judd?”
Helen: “I don’t know, but I just want to say that you’re looking WONDERFUL in that pink, Aaryn.”
Elissa: “Really? I think pink makes her look like a fat, drunk hippo, no OFFFFFFENSE THANKS FOR ASKING.”

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Judd: “Okay, the plan is to vote out Jessie, right?”
Amanda: “You got it. Backdooring you.”
“What’s that?”
“Nothing.”

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Amanda: “Hey Judd, what do you think about the fact that McCrae won’t let me sip from his water bottle?”
Judd: “Wait, where’s your water bottle?”
“Nevermind. HAVE FUN AT THE JURY HOUSE.”

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“Look at me: crying more than an Italian without hair gel.”

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“Why y’all against me? All I ever did was tell stories about frogs. I love frogs. Don’t you love frogs? What did frogs ever do to you? Wait, do you guys wanna talk about frogs? Because I’d totally be down to do that.”

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“I always cry when a white person leaves.”

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“Oh my gosh, hands. You are doing a great job cupping my face. Without you, people would see my lips. You understand that, hands? It’s all because of you, okay? We all owe our game to you, hands. You’re the next Janelle.”

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Elissa: “There there, Aaryn. Let my cold hand and quiet apathy be of comfort to you, THANKKKKS.”

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“McCrae.”
“…”
“MCCRAE.”
“….”
“MCCRAE!!!!”
“What? I was napping?”
“Why aren’t you consoling me?”
“You’re not crying.”
“Don’t you think maybe I would cry if I knew I had someone to console me?”
“So I’m supposed to console you on spec?”
“Isn’t that what a boyfriend should do?”
“If you were crying, I’d console you.”
“So you want me to cry?”
“I don’t want you to cry.”
“What sort of man wants to make his girlfriend cry?”
“I don’t want to make you cry.”
“Well, if you don’t want that, what do you want from me? This is a relationship, and I expect communication.”
“I just want to nap.”
“You think I don’t want to sleep also?”
“So sleep.”
“So now you want me to go to sleep? Do you not want to talk to me anymore?”
“Do whatever you want.”
“I don’t need your permission to do whatever I want.”
“I wasn’t giving it to you.”
“So I’m not good enough for it?”
“OH MY GOD I HATE YOU. Just kidding I love you I’ll do whatever you want me to do. Yay!!!”

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“AAAAANDY I thought I lost Nick’s hat, and I thought he would never forgive me, and I’d have to go home to Staten Island and have sloppy sex with Vito Carlucci in the ribbon aisle of Michael’s. I WAS SO SCARED!!!”

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“What are we crying about?”
“I don’t even know.”

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Elissa: “No offense, but this white comforter looks like a giant glob of melted marshmallow. Amanda, you should make a one piece out of it, SORRRRY NO OFFFENSE THANKKKKS!!!”

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“Come on, you stupid piece of shit ball. Roll down the banana AND STOP BULLYING ME!”

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“I can’t believe McCrae didn’t throw that competition for me. Do I not inspire romantic gestures? [snort sniffle wheeze wheeze cough]“

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“Let me tell you something, Amanda. If it weren’t for you, none of us would be here, okay? You are doing an amazing job. Without you, we’d all be out of the house, possibly on drugs, and without a doubt on suicide watch. You basically saved our lives. You are the greatest human being on this planet, and you probably rank up there with George Washington and Isaac Newton as one of the most important people in the history of time. Okay???”

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“Okay, Andy, here’s the deal. You have to nominate Amanda and McCrae. Why? Because they are powerful and need to be broken up. Even if you have a secret alliance with them, they will never take you to the finals. Ever. Does that make sense?”
“Not really.”

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“Oh gosh. Santa will be so mad when I tell him I can’t figure out who’s naughty or nice anymore.”

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“This fucking pussy… I mean, ANDY you are doing a TERRIFIC job. I’m SO proud of you!”

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“This week I have nominated Jessie and Spencer because I refuse to be memorable.”

What did you think about the episode? And remember you can check out The TV Clique: Big Brother and our very rowdy week in review right here:

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11 thoughts on “BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Andy Proceeds Gingerly

  1. Once again, you are funny beyond belief. Sadly, you’re more entertaining than the actual house guests.

  2. I think I look forward to your photocaps more than the actual show! LOL…hilarious as usual. I do respectfully disagree with your thoughts on Helen though…I can’t stand her, and her pompous fakeness grates on my nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard. Amanda may be more obnoxious and vocal but at least she gets what she wants without kissing butts. Can’t wait to see your next photocap starring mega-whack job Jessie.

    • I agree about Helen and the strong dislike. The only thing that will redeem her in my eyes is if she comes out of the house and explains in interviews that this horrid personality was all part of her master plan. That she planned to play the mom card while diabolically stabbing people in the back and lying. That it was intentional to smile and say, “I love you. I’m doing my best to get you to jury.” (ie: end your game LOL) That she somehow felt it her DUTY to hand select who “deserved” to be in jury. Clearly, only the “good people” deserve it, and it’s Helen’s personal duty in the BB house to make that assessment. But even if she has deemed a HG unworthy of entering jury, she will fake praise you all the way out the door and in Howard’s case, move in for a tight hug and one last “I love you.”

      Cringe.

        • Agree!! And if all goes according to plan, she’ll be sitting with Julie chatting about what went askew in approximately 7 days, 9 hours and 25 minutes. ❤

  3. (in my best Helen voice) “Oh B-side, you are so amazing. Do you realize you save us each and every week.? We would be languishing in abject nothingness and contemplating our very existence if it were not for you & your funny. You ARE Don Rickles, Bill Cosby, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce …”

    hb

  4. Do we have any Puerto Ricans? Laughed at that one so hard my stomach hurt.

    Please keep it up. These are priceless!!

  5. OMG, that was the funniest thing I’ve ever read! I’ve never seen this blog/column before. How is that possible!?!? Wow, I’m going to look for an archives section and read on. Your portrayal of all the HGs was spot on. Totally hilarious, thanks!! ❤

  6. So far… BEST RECAP of the SEASON! “I always cry when a white person leaves!” OMGoodness.. I’ve peed my pants HILARIOUS!! Thankksss B-Side!

  7. Love the McRanda stuff you post. It’s Hilarious!! Seriously he’s going to kick himself for aligning with her. She is soooo needy. She has to be with him every second. Where’s McCrae? Where are you going? Why aren’t you talking? Geezola!! He is going to be mad at himself that he missed out socializing with the other houseguests as well as enjoy this once in a lifetime BB experience.

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