BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: They’re Gonna Take You By Surprise and Make You Realize, Amanda.

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First off, huge apologies. I have been busy with work and traveling and all sorts of nonsense over the past week and have barely been able to post about Big Brother, which is a shame because the season has come BACK to life. Ever since Helen’s ouster, things in the house have been perfectly crazy. We saw Elissa come into power, Amanda lose her grip, and Aaryn head out the door. New alliances formed, Andy finally came to his sense, and the McCranda rule fully dissolved. It’s been wonderful and all culminated with Sunday’s show, which was primarily dedicated to Amanda’s blindside nomination at the hands of GinaMarie.

For the first time that I can remember, the producers didn’t even bother creating any misdireciton over possible nominees. We learned pretty much right off the bat that Amanda and McCray were going up on the block, and yet even with that predictable outcome, this proved to be one of the most suspenseful episodes of the season. Why? Because we all knew that Amanda’s reaction would be PRICELESS. And it was. Sure enough, the spoiled lady brat cried her way through the ceremony after receiving the blindside of the season (even more so than Judd’s initial ouster).

Yes, Amanda thought she was not only safe but that she was also running the house. That’s why she spent a majority of her time bullying Elissa around (and then subsequently declaring that it was she who had been bullied). Amanda also made sure to kiss plenty of HOH GinaMarie’s ass, which was amusing for a) her transparency, and b) her lack of irony later when she bashed Elissa for doing the same thing. Ah, but God bless Elissa. The last time we saw someone so blissfully foil a bully was Jen Johnson on season 8, who stymied Evil Dick with her oddly unflappable demeanor (until, of course, she snapped). Elissa has mastered the art of the bully defense — something that school kids around the world should learn: she just laughs. And laughs. And laughs. And sometimes snorts out water. Everytime Amanda says something outrageous, Elissa just turns away and smiles. This is how you treat a bully, people.

Don’t get me wrong, Elissa is not innocent. She knows how to hurl a passive aggressive barb. But they’re all so richly deserved that we give her a pass. Can’t wait to see how this week shakes out… On to the photocap!

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“I’m gonna pretend this egg is one of Nick’s testicles. I’m gonna be real gentle with my fingers and put it on a pedestal at the end.”

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“I may look like I’m being loyal to the Easter Bunny, but little does the Easter Bunny realize that I’m totally loyal to SANTA.”

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“This isn’t fair. This egg is bullying me.”

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“I call eggs ‘euggs.’ That way when I order breakfast, I can ask for an ‘e-u-double-g-EGG!'”

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“This reminds me of the time that Rocky Diletto stuck two fingers in me in the back of a Papa John’s.”

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“I wonder if I break enough eggs if I can glue together the shells to make an oversized sweatshirt that I can drape off of one shoulder… hmmmmm….”

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“Remember last Christmas? That was SO MUCH FUN.”

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“The sooner I collect these eggs, the sooner I can win HOH and get my own private shower that I will NEVER USE.”

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“Look at Elissa and her surgically altered face. Way to get plastic surgery, BITCH. Now excuse me while I maneuver around my very natural 56DDD breasts.”

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“All this light walking has me exhausted. MCCRAE, GO PUT SOME EGGS IN MY TRAY. DO IT NOW!”

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“This game is like watching Amanda’s one-piece: stretched out and embarrassing, NO OFFFENSSSE, THANNNKS.”

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“I SADLY vote to evict every non-sequinned dress in the house, THANNNKS FOR ASSSKING, NO OFFFENSE.”

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“Ewww, you know what’s the worst? Syncronized swimming teams. So many one-pieces in one place. Gross. SORRRRY NO OFFFENSE, THANNNKKS for ASSSSKING.”

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“So do we get to eat these eggs or what?”

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Amanda: “Hey, I’m here to kiss your ass so I can then get mad at Elissa when she does the same thing later.”

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GinaMarie: “I don’t care if all of yous kiss my ass. Alls that matters is that I got my bunny ears on, the same ones I wore when Dino Golumbini banged me at the 13th annual Staten Island Easter Egg Hunt, sponsored by Isuzu.”

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“My Golem impersonation is really coming along nicely.”

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“Hey you guys! Let’s sing Christmas songs!”

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“Wowwee!! I’m hotter than a guy in a chicken suit! Oh wait. That’s me!!!!!”

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“I can’t believe I’m the only one who dressed up for Oksana Baiul Tribute Night.”

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“I can’t wait to see Elissa’s face when she’s nominated, WHICH SHE WILL BE, as opposed to me who is VERY SAFE.”

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Elissa: “Like, I’m SORRY, but oversized black tops should not be worn with tights. You might as well be wearing a one-piece, NO OFFFFENSE didn’t see you there ‘MANDA SORRRY THAANNNKSS.”

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“Hey Elissa, why don’t you go run off to your HOH room? OH WAIT, it’s not yours anymore. Hahhaa BURRRN!!!!”

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“At least I’ve had an HOH room, no OFFENSE SORRRY THANNNKS FOR ASSKING.”

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“You are SOOO much better than me. You have SUCH a better life than me.”

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“I am, and I do! THANNNKS FOR ASSSKING!”

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“I was being sarcastic, you stupid idiot.”

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“Is ‘sarcastic’ that thing when you’re hideous and walk around in underwear all the time? Because I SADDDLY have to agree with you SORRRY NO OFFFENSE.”

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“America hates you and your stupid army, and that sucks.”

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“Doesn’t she kind of sound like the Aflac Duck sometimes? NO OFFENSE.”

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“Oh, real classy. You’re such a bully.”

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“I don’t think you understand what a bully is, NO OFFFENSE SORRY THANNNKS.”

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“Can I give you one piece of advice?”

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“I’m sorry, but I really don’t like one-pieces, THANKKS FOR ASKING.”

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“Hey guys, remember Jessie? Wasn’t she hot? She was like a bikini in a store full of one-pieces.”

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“What is WRONG with you, Elissa? We all know that I’m the hot one here. That’s why I walk around in my underwear — because America WANTS it.”

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“I SADLY think Amanda is not hot, NO OFFENSE.”

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“You’re laughing alone. And the rest of us are laughing behind your back.”

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“She’s so cranky. But I guess I’d be cranky too if the only action I could get was from an oily pizza boy who doesn’t know how to shave, NO OFFENSE SORRRY THANKKS FOR ASSSKING.”

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“I’m furry.”

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“Little known fact: the zombies in Paranorman were modeled after me.”

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“Hey guys, who’s ready for my hotness?”

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“You know what looks great on women? PANTS. NO OFFFENSE.”

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“Maybe you should shut up. No one likes you but you. Why don’t you go to your Head of Household room. Oh wait, you don’t have one. That sucks.”

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“You already said that NO OFFENSE.”

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“Do you see how mean she is to me? I can’t be in this house with Elissa. She’s such a bully. No matter how much I taunt her, she never gets mad, and that’s just mean. The least you can do is acknowledge my taunting. But she can’t even do that. I’M SO BULLIED!”

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“Hey, can someone roll me off this countertop? I’ve been beached.”

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“Amanda and McCray, I’ve nominated you two because you’re so dymatic? Dymamic? Dynamanamic? Dymmm–“
Judd: “Dynamic.”
“Yes. DYMASTIC.”
Judd: “No, dynamic.”
“DIANETICS. You’ve been reading too much about the Scientistologists.”
“DYNAMIC.”
“Dinosaurs. You two are dinosaurs. And I want to welcome you to Jurassic Park.”
“They’re not dinosaurs.”
“I apologize. You two are not Dina Shore. My mistake.”

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“It’s like she doesn’t even appreciate that I wadded up my thong and stuck it in my hair for her.”

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“I’m so happy that my teeth fell out!”

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“This was a great nomination ceremony, THANNNKS FOR ASSSKING!”

What did you think about the episode? One of the most enjoyable nomination blindsides ever?

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39 thoughts on “BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: They’re Gonna Take You By Surprise and Make You Realize, Amanda.

      • that was to funny when everyone left her sitting there by herself and also when Elisa told Andy not to get it twisted she was the before Amanda came in to bully her

  1. Oh dude… this was so funny!
    There is just so much to say about this season, and so many reasons to laugh at these idiots!
    Thank you for making me laugh this morning… I can’t wait to watch the aftermath tonight (and then to watch heads spin on Thursday)… It’s just too good!

  2. You aren’t even original anymore in these photocaps. They are pretty lame. All you do is repeat the same One piece joke from two months ago

  3. Too funny! My favorites: Oksana Baiul Tribute Night and Amanda being beached.

    My tummy hurts from laughing!!

  4. (Shame on you CBS for promoting bullies)I thinking that since it has been already prepicked by the producers that Amanda will win…this is my last season watching. Sad….even though Amanda was picked to win before the show started,it’s sad that producers are going through with showing that if you bully people it’s ok,you could make out like a bandit in the end..Shame on you CBS….Bye for ever.

      • I’ve read and heard the same rumors. And I, too, have now questioned the authenticity of this show.
        As long as Amanda doesn’t win, I will be totally okay with feeling like a gullible fool! But if she claws her way out of the corner she’s backed into now, I will find it highly suspect.

        • I totally will not be watching Big Brother again after this season…at least until July 2014. So what you’re saying is that there are people who are producing a television show, let’s call them producers, who can create a story line, sort of like putting on a show? I’m outraged. I thought these people randomly just happened upon this studio backlot and we are watching a purely unaltered reality. Frankly, I was shocked that one of the contestant’s sisters made it to that backlot, but I was thinking “ok, she’s cool.” Now I’m flabbergasted. FML!!!

  5. So PERFECT!! Love some of those shots of Elissa. She is by far my favorite player but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a great photo snap of her looking kooky krazy.
    Isn’t odd that while she’s not fat that for some reason Amanda just looks so big? It’s like the other ladies are tiny along side her. She has a kinda guy look.

  6. You, Ronnie and Matt are my favorite BB/Bravo re-cappers! Because of you guys I can’t say: however, thanks, no offense or sadly the “normal” way anymore and get the weirdest looks from people LOL. Missed you guys so much this week!

    • Right? I do the same thing! I keep drawing them out & emphasizing them, but nobody in the real world has any effing idea what I’m doing & I feel like a dope! Thank God my people are here…

  7. those selected photos and the captions accompanying them are brilliant and absolutely hysterical. Congrats to whomever is responsible.

  8. Those were the most HILARIOUS captions I’ve ever read!! Great job!! I look forward to more.

  9. Hilarious! The comparison to ParaNorman is dead on! The squabbling between Elissa and Amanda is hilarious!

  10. That was FUCKING HILARIOUS!!! I literally had tears rolling down my face!!!!!! WELL DONE!

  11. Yeah, fer sure I know yeah. Ida know its like fer sure yeah. Yeah Ida know like its like yeah

  12. OMG…………I peed my pants. These were so funny. My glasses even fogged up. Keep em coming

  13. The Oksana Baiul Tribute Night cracked me up. So did many of the others, but major kudos for busting out the Baiul reference.

  14. Amanda, you are the most Vial, Disgusting, Mean Hearted excuse for a human being I have ever seen. You are a truly BAD PERSON! You are an Idiot! You have a black heart. I hope no one ever uses you as there Real Estate agent because I’m sure you don’t have your clients needs interest above your own EVER. You probably go home and joke about how bad you screwed them. I hope you never reproduce. This country doesn’t need more evil people running around.

  15. The best move ever getting both Mcmanda on the block. Now get her out the door and him in the Double Eviction will be so happy can’t wait when Elissa say’s I evict Amanda the Bully By By B—–

  16. How dare you have …like, a life & not give me a photo cap when I expect it! You’re just lucky you pulled out a gem like “Oksana Baiul Tribute Night” & reminded me why I’ve missed you so! It’ll be fun to see Amanda’s exit interview tomorrow!

  17. That was hilarious!!! I so look forward to these. Andy and Santa crack me up!!! ROFL. Loved seeing Amanda’s face…priceless beyond priceless! Well worth the wait.

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