BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Love Wins… and So Does Trashy TV

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Do you smell that? It’s the faint aroma of self-tanner, rancid meat, and self-pity. It can only mean one thing: Big Brother is back!!! Yes, America’s favorite summertime tradition has returned, and I could not be happier. For too long has my life been without vapid, beautiful people, but that all changed this week when CBS unleashed about 35 new faces on us. There was Clay, the gorgeous Texas native who has happily ascended to the dreamboat throne vacated by Cody last season. And then there was… Clay. And Clay. And more Clay.

Okay, fine. There are other cast members too. Audrey is Big Brother’s first transgendered houseguest, which is pretty cool. And John is Big Brother’s 453rd self-appointed rock ‘n’ roll houseguest, which is less cool. We also have resident nerd Steve (currently at the top of my faves), resident muscle nerd Austin (also at the top of my faves), and resident cookie enthusiast Jace (nowhere near my faves).

There are more — many more — but I’m not going to get into it. Most of these people seem promising, which is of course how all seasons begin: promise, followed by some early spats, which lead to a few predictable weeks of evictions, culminating with a mid-season explosion or two, and then finally settling into a quiet final stretch. Here’s to hoping things are more thrilling than last year’s dull parade to the finish line.

Photocap after the jump…

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“Welcome to Big Brother. This year, we’ve designed a house that’s bigger, crazier and hipper than ever before. And, for the first time ever, we’ve included this exclusive viewing room where houseguests can watch old episodes of Unforgettable, starring Poppy Montgomery!”

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“Yay.”

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“Fun fact: this food has been sitting on the kitchen counter for three weeks.”

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“Also, in a Big Brother first, every evicted houseguest will have their genitals soldered together with one of the cattle brands we’ve artfully arranged around this doorway.”

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“We thought this was a matinée for Jurassic World.”

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“Hi. I’m James, and I like to walk around with my tackle box and pretend Gwyneth Paltrow’s head is inside.”

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Meg: “I’m gonna be on Big Brother!!!
Andrea: “Oh how nice for you. I was on the iconic series Survivor. Twice.”

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“My life is pretty simple. I basically just like walking up and down the pier all day. It’s pretty cool, especially when I move my fishing rod to my right hand and my tackle box to my left.”

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“OMG I can’t believe I’m going to be leaving you, my gay husband!!!”
“Honey, I don’t even know who you are. I just answered a craigslist ad five days ago.”
“YOU’RE SUCH A CARRIE!”

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“Meg, I say this with love, but after Big Brother, we never want to see you again.”

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Meg: “This is so exciting!!”
Andrea: “I remember when I was excited the TWO TIMES I WAS ON SURVIVOR!”

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“I love to lie here and dream about things. You know, like what it would be like to lie in other hammocks. Stuff like that.”

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“I spend most of my time biking aimlessly in cul-de-sacs. It’s very rewarding.”

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“Hey bro, I just jumped over a gnarly cookie!”

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“When I’m not wrestling, I terrorize my neighbors by stretching out their pensive turtlenecks.”

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“Most people don’t know this, but I have a Masters in touching books.”

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“Don’t mind me. I’m just shaking up this paint can so I can apply an even coat TO MY FACE.”

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“Dreamy Ryan Reynolds type, reporting for duty!”

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“I love takin’ off my shirt and playing next to puddles.”

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“Ohhhh my God….. IKEA FURNISHINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

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Da’Vonne: “Did you see that hot Ryan Reynolds guy? He may ACTUALLY be hotter than Ryan Reynolds!”
Audrey: “Girl, he’s RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!!”
“Quick: freeze and pretend to be a statue!”

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“Whoa. A transgendered person. I ain’t never seen that before. I always thought they was made up things like unicorns and leprechauns and shaving cream.”

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“Whoa. An Asian hillbilly. And I thought I was the groundbreaker.”

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“I wonder if I’ll be able to bond with Audrey. I mean, maybe she likes piers?”

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“FECK YEAH I LIKE PIERS!”

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“Okay bros — who wants to talk about cookies first?”

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“Let’s start an all-girls alliance. This will NEVER fall apart.”

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“I hate these bitches.”

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“I’m so dreamy.”

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“Now I’m scared!”

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“Just kidding. I was dreamy all along.”

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“Jace, how does it feel to be part of this low point in my career?”

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“Kevin Frazier, pick me! Pick me!! I’M WACKY!”

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“Wait, am I wacky? Or am I wearing this vest for nothing?”

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“Oh God. They’re going to shoot tomatoes at my beautiful, beautiful face!”

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“NOT HIS FACE!”

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“I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t be dreamy!”

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“Bro, just catch the tomato! It’s as easy as eating a cookie!”

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“He’s right. I just have to catch the tomato. I’ll save my face by simply catching the tom–“

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“OH DEAR GOD NO!!!”

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Jace: “These tomatoes smell like ass, bro. Makes me yearn for the crisp air of ‘Rado!”
Shelli: “Don’t call it that.”

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“I hope no one minds, but I just stabbed Jace to death.”

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Meanwhile, Iggy Azalea gets to work rebuilding her career.

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“Somebody get Rita Ora. We’re headed for a comeback!”

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“My name is Liz, I’m from Miami, and I have no personality.”

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“Wait a second, is this grocery store actually getting computerized cash registers? For serious? For serious serious?”

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“I’m gay! I’m fabulous! And I live in… an impoverished neighborhood.” (Okay, now this is sad).

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“Come check out my serial killer basement!”

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“I’m not just a dentist. I’m a DOUCHEY dentist!”

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“I like to call this song ‘Shmedium.'”

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“Wait… this isn’t the sign-up for Settlers of Catan Fantasy Camp?”

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“Check it out, bros. There’s a girl here from ‘Rado!”

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“Let’s see how close we can get to each other without actually touching.”

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“I just want everyone to know that I’m open to a showmance, and even if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be happy to send you home with a travel-sized toothpaste, some floss, and a sticker of a smiling tooth.”

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“I am wildly out of place.”

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“My name is Hilary Swank, I’ve won two Oscars, and I’m currently slumming it here in the Big Brother house!”

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“RIGHT ON, BRO! I JUST BROKE FIVE BONES CLAPPING! WHO WANTS COOKIES?”

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“I think I’m ready to go back to Inglewood.”

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Phil: “Hey you in the front row. Can you remind me to fire my agent after this?”

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“When does Jurassic World start???”

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“Hey everyone!! We don’t want to brag or anything, but we are moderately known in small circles of CBS’s Friday audience!”

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“Will there be a stegosaurus in the cast? Otherwise, we’re ready to leave.”

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“OH MY GOSH! NEW PEOPLE FROM ‘THE AMAZING RACE!’ WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE!

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Shelli: “Hi!!! Be careful: the people at Sherwin Williams said that the orange base layer on my body still needs about 45 minutes to dry.”

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“Wow. This is harder than the research I put into P.S. I Love You.”

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“Wait… no…. don’t take me… I’m so rock ‘n’ rolllllllllllllllllll!!!!!”

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This is what happens when you let Skynet design The Chenbot.

What did you think about the premiere?

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6 thoughts on “BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Love Wins… and So Does Trashy TV

  1. My absolute fave is “Most people don’t know this, but I have a Masters in touching books.” This is the worst time of Big Brother. I don’t like any of the cast, but in 2 weeks I won’t be able to live without knowing what happens at midnight in the BB house…so sad.

  2. Jace totally looks like Jay from Clerks and Dogma! ( Oh and Jay & Silent Bob) the serial killer basement grocery bagger talks like that chick from Staten Island on real world and Meg is prolly Jenna Elfman’s daughter.

  3. Yay! The Big Brother photocaps are back!! So excited. Thank you for making this horrible annual habit worthwhile.

  4. Ok, I laughed out loud for “masters of touching books.” Love the photocaps, as always!!!

  5. B-Side, what can I bribe you with to get a photocap for every single episode?? Just name your price.

  6. Please, I agree with AG!!
    I’m making jam in a couple of weeks…luscious little jars of strawberry, strawberry-mango, blueberry, peach, bing cherry and/or apricot goodness could be headed your way!!

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