REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC PHOTOCAP: Season 8 So Far

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Real Housewives of New York is by far my favorite iteration of Bravo’s venerable Real Housewives franchise. There’s no better collection of lunatic, neurotic, self-involved, and generally hilarious women on the network, perhaps even TV in general. The latest season of the show continues its tradition of petty squabbles and sharp-tongued blow-outs, and since I had a few spare hours on my hands, I thought I would look back on the first eight episodes and do a good ol’ fashioned photocap.

After the jump, a massive stroll through RHONY’s greatest 2016 hits…

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Dorinda: “Wow, it’s like the Palace of Versailles in here.”
Bethenny: “You wanna see inside my vault? It’s where I keep the tears of my assistants.”

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Dorinda: “Is that a Skinnygirl-branded dust bunny?”

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“As a celebrated author, writer, and blogger, I’ve decided to give this dog a thoughtful, unique name: BABY.”

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Carole: “Look at me sitting on a counter. Aren’t I so Millennial?”
Adam: “Sorry, babe, I wasn’t listening. I’m still debating what to cook with the Salvadoran banana you found.”
“Adam, that wasn’t a banana. It was a pencil.”
“Oh.”

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“Oh my GAWD. I’m single, and I’m ready to MINGLE. HA!! That’s such a funny RHOIME. Single and ready to MINGLE. I just made that up right now!! I bet LuAYNNNNNN never thought of that!”

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“Sir, would you be interested in joining me for a nightcap at Beautique? I’m single and ready to MINGLE, okkaaaay?? And I’m renewed. So, that’s three things for you to think about, okaaaaaaayyyy???”

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LuAnn: “Hey SONN. I saw these flowers out front and thought I’d bring them up.”
Sonja: “Oh gosh, yeah! We planted those after we buried Pickles.”

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Sonja: “Hey, would you go onto Computer #3 and see if you can print out that report? I want to show LuAnn how my toasters are flying off shelves now.”
Intern: “Um, that’s not really a report. It’s just a screensaver of flying toasters.”

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Ramona: “Now that I’m single, I’m renewed.”
Bethenny: “What are ya, a library book? I don’t understand.”
Ramona: “No, I have a new outlook on life. I’m renewed, OKAAAAYYYY??”
Bethenny: “I don’t get it. Like, I get it. But I, like, don’t see the brand. Are you going to be in Target?”
Ramona: “Is Target what we’re calling Beautique now? Because then yes, I will be there.”
Bethenny: “Literally, kill me now. Stick these two lime wedges down my throat and end my life. I can’t. I can’t.”

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“Hi, I’m Jules. And I contribute nothing.”

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“Oh wait, I’m Jewish and Asian. So, there’s that.”

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[crickets]

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“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m JEWISH and ASIAN.”

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[crickets… cough…]

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“JewishAsian.”

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Jules’ dog: “If I have to hear this woman make another Jewish Asian reference, I’m going to dart in front of a bus.”

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Dorinda: “Hey John, ask our waiter if he’ll show us to our table.”

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Dorinda: “I can’t believe we gave $5 to the maître’d, and he still didn’t seat us.”

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“Wasssamatter? Wassamatter? hi hi hi wassamatter?”

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Bethenny: “Okay, girls, I wanna shake things up for Skinnygirl. Who has ideas? Literally, if you don’t come up with an idea, I’m going to be on the floor crying. I can’t do this right now. It’s too much. Seriously, kill me now with a stapler. Just staple my head to the floor and let me cry to death.”

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“Okay, here’s my idea. I bring a friend into the office, I tear her to shreds, and then I talk about my brand summit.”

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“I am so scared.”

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Bethenny: “Do you realize that John just ate three seafood towers in a row??”

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“I get very sensitive when I drink, but Richard always told me that anytime I get wasted, that’s him saying hi. What other choice do I have??”

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“Jewish Asian kosher chopsticks!”

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“You gotta get this woman away from me.”

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“I really think we can be friends. I mean, I’m Asian and Jewish, and you’re sitting next to me.”

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Bethenny: “SERIOUSLY I CAN’T. YOU NEED TO STOP.”

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“Okay, I’ll talk about something else. What’s your favorite New Years? Chinese or Jewish? I think it’s a tie for me because I’m Asian and Jewish.”

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“It’s like I’m talking to a wall.”

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“Great Wall or Wailing Wall?”

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“You think I should make my stain joke now?”

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Bethenny: “This is killing my brand.”

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LuAnn: “You have to turn the heat on in here.”
Sonja: “Are you kidding me? I have friends from St. Tropez who LOVE how cold it is in here.”
“Who?”
“You know… Celeste Von Tropezface. She’s a dear friend.”
“Sonja.”
“Madonna?”
“That’s even less believable.”
“My facialist?”
“You don’t have heat, do you?”
“Fine. It hasn’t worked for twelve years. But what can I do? It’s a very PROUD furnace.”

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Dorinda: “I’m in such a great mood today. I saw a Canadian coin on the sidewalk, which meant that Richard’s ghost must be on vacation in Toronto!”
Ramona: “Whoa! You know what’s funny about that? I saw a penny today, and I thought, WHOA, that’s a penny!”

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Carole: “Oh hey, Ramona. You look like you just spent all day talking to people without asking questions.”
Ramona: “I’m sawwwry, but I’m renewed, okaaaay??”
“Have you started sitting on counters in camera shops yet?”
“I’m renewed, not a slut.”

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Carole: “We sat through a lunch, and you didn’t ask me a single question about my life.”
Ramona: “Excuse me, but I’m going through a divorce, and you didn’t ask ME how I was doing!”
“I didn’t have to!”
“I’m sorry, I’m SAWWWRY, but if you were getting divorced, I would call, okaaaayyyy??”
“I called you twice.”
“That’s not the point.”
“Then what is the point?”
“I don’t know. Maybe something about how fat and sweaty John is.”
“Fair enough.”

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“You twos shouldn’t have lunches no more. Ramona likes the upper East Side, Carole likes Twizzlers, and I just want a chicken pot pie. Is that so wrong? I MADE IT NICE FOR YOU!!!!”

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Dorinda: “I made it nice for them! We’re from the same place!”
Bethenny: “Literally no idea what you’re talking about.”

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“I don’t have a name, but I just want everyone to know my fashion inspiration is Sheila from Big Brother 9.”

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“Listen, Bethenny Frankel, you better back it up! John would never eat your seafood tower.”

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“THIS IS MY EVENT, AND I’LL MAKE A SHADOW PUPPET IF I WANT TO.”

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“Would now be a bad time to mention that John said he was going to swallow a handful of Viagra and fuck you for six hours straight?”

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“WHAT DID YOU SAY???”

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“Nothing.”

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“JOHN MAHDESSIAN DOES NOT TALK LIKE THAT.”

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“He kind of does.”

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“Hey. HEY! I MADE IT NICE FOR YOU!!!!”

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“Dorinda, no one knows what you’re talking about.”

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Bethenny: “Just stop selling John to us.”
Dorinda: “I DON’T SELL JOHN TO YOU GUYS, EVEN THOUGH HE IS A WONDERFUL PERSON WHO YOU JUST HAVE TO GET TO KNOW A LITTLE BIT. YOU GET USED TO THE ONION BREATH, I SWEAR.”

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“I disagree.”

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Dorinda: “THEN YOU SAY IT IN PRIVATE, RAMONA!!!! YOU SAY IT IN PRIVATE!!!”
Jules: “I just want to remind everyone that I’m Asian and Jewish.”

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“And another thing: I DON’T LIKE THE NEW JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE SONG!”

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“Everyone likes J-Timbo.”

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“NOT ME; SO YOU BETTER BACK IT UP!!!”

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Bethenny: “To be fair, I don’t like the song either.”

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“It’s very mediocre.”

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“Even the lady in the blazer doesn’t like it!”

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“WELL I’M SAWRRRRY, BUT I LIKE IT, OKAAAAAY???? It makes me feel RENEWED.”

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Carole: “Baby has a seizure every time he hears it. It’s that bad.”

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“Ramona, do me a favor and just apologize to Dorinda. Say you really love her, say you’re really sorry, and say that you love John.”
Ramona: “Got it: I hate you, I’m not sorry, and John is fat.”
“More or less.”

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Ramona: “Hey Dorinda, you are my best friend I love you I never should have said anything I’m so sorry I love you please forgive me BYEEEEEEEEEEEE.”

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“Did somebody say rotisserie chicken????”
Everyone: “No.”

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John: “I don’t want to brag or anything, but I’ve just been named the official dry cleaner for Hogwarts.”

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Dorinda: “John, I want you to go. I made it nice, and you’re making it not nice.”
John: “Ayyy, I was just politely asking Bethenny why she stole Skinny Cow.”
Bethenny: “Fuck you, fuck your family, and fuck every rail of coke that’s gone up your nose.”

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Bethenny: “You are officially DISINVITED from my brand summit!”

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“YOU TWO ARE BREAKING MY HEART!!!!”

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John: “Bethenny’s just jealous that she can’t have all this man.”
Jules: “There aren’t enough Jewish and Asian references to adequately express my feelings right now.”

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Dorinda: “This is worse than the time that Heather walked into a restaurant before me. IT BREAKS MY HEAAAAAART.”

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“Hey honey, did you notice a black woman in the back?”

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“You’re crazy, Michael. The only people back there are Jagger, that other one, and some Sour Patch kids.”

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“No, seriously. Look behind my head!”

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“Honey, the day I believe you is the day that our indoor pool gets finished.”

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“Guys, I want you to find it in your hearts to accept John. He means a lot to me. Can you do that?”

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“Is that a yes?”

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Ramona: “Oh Dorinda, I love you, and I hate fighting, and I will promise to be nice to John, no matter how many pancakes he takes from the buffet or how much coke he does in the back room of Beautique, okaaaaayyyy??”

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Carole: “And so then I said, ‘Don’t eat that! It’s Adam’s Nicaraguan beekeeping hat, not a chew toy!’ Silly Baby.”
Bethenny: “Honestly, Carole, when did you get so boring?”

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Ramona: “Hey Bethenny, I want you to meet my friend HANK. I think he likes me. Now that I’m single, the guys just FLAWK to me!!”
Hank: “Hey girl! Isn’t this bitch hilarrrrrre???”

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Jules: “I wonder if there’ll be anything kosher. Because I’m Jewish. Get it? No? Should I have led with an egg roll joke instead?”

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“Hey Bethenny. Hi. Over here.”

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“Maybe she can’t see me because I dressed like a pumpkin.”

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John: “Hey Bethenny. Hi.”
Bethenny: “Literally, I can’t. Like, if I hear that coked up jack-o-lantern try to say hi to me one more time, I’m going to fling myself into the fire pit. Seriously, kill me now. Put me in a paper bag with some shit, light me on fire, and drop me off on someone’s stoop. I can’t.”

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“Hey John, do me a favor. Don’t stuff your mouth like normal, will ya? Last thing I need is some blogger pausing the TV while you got a face full of meat.”

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“Uh oh.”

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“I’m here too!”

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“Jesus, LuAnn. I thought you were a countess.”
Carole: “Discountess.”
LuAnn: “I HEARD THAT, CAROLE.”

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Ramona: “HOOOIII!! This looks like the popular table. You know who else is popular? ME. Because I’m renewed, okaaaay? I’m sawrrry, but my dance card is full, okaaaay????”
Carole: “You can’t sit with us.”

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John: “Hi there. Wanna talk?”

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Bethenny: “Sorry, I gotta go catch up with Jill Zarin.”

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LuAnn: “You know, I was thinking: we both said such harmful things. Let’s start over. Even whores deserve a second chance.”

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“I mean, we BOTH are to blame.”

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“Mmmmmmainly you.”

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“60/40.”

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“No, I was merely reacting to YOU.”

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“I’m sorry. I sometimes say nasty things when I’m around sluts. It can’t be helped.”

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“You literally slept with five guys last night.”

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“And you have a dog named Baby. So, who’s more embarrassing now?”

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“Bethenny, I apologize for what I said. I would like to have a clean slate, and I’m very good at that because I’m a professional cleaner.”

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“You don’t even know what you’re apologizing for. Like, what are you? A dry cleaner? A pumpkin? I don’t get it. Like, I can’t. Just go find Charlie Brown and let him dance around you in a circle. Seriously, my walls are up. I’m just barely not homeless. Kill me now.”

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Michael: “And here’s our future indoor pool. We’re so excited about it.”
Bethenny: “Honestly, it looks like shit.”
“Thanks?”

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“You’re brave, Jules. I don’t know many women who would let TV cameras into their shitty construction heap of a house, especially considering it’s not even in the Hamptons.”

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Sonja: “I’m so glad you could come over. Do you want anything to drink?”
Ramona: “Actuuuuallly, I’d love some water.”
Sonja: “I’ll have Pickles get that for you. PICKLES! PICKLES!! I swear she never answers me anymore. She’s probably still down in the crawl space.”
Ramona: “How long has she been down there for?”
Sonja: “I don’t know. Nine months?”

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“How was Bethenny’s birthday party? I’m sorry I couldn’t be there, but John John was in town and so Liz Taylor was going to fly in for that, and well, there was an issue with the reservation at Cipriani’s—”

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“Sonja, you weren’t invited to Bethenny’s. We all know that. It’s because you drink too much. You’re out of control. And now that I’m single and RENEWED, your sloppiness makes my sloppiness look worse.”

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“But people love me! Just the other day Peter Jennings called me up and said ‘When are we going back to the Rainbow Room?'”

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“I’m sorry, Sonja, but you’re déclassé. Do you know how hard it is to hit on gentlemen when you have three interns propping you up next to me?”

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“Chip and Dale and all the Rescue Rangers say I’m the life of the party; so I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about.”

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Waitress: “Um, are you guys going to order anything else, or will you just be sharing a stalk of celery between the two of you?”

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“It’s really funny because I still don’t know what I like more: fortune cookies or hamentashen.”

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“Literally, I’m bored. Like, I want to tear you down, but I’m so bored I think I’d rather just die. Like, kill me now. Smother my face with this menu and put me out of my misery.”

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“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have an eating disorder.”

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“This makes me sad because now I can’t be mean about your weight anymore.”

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LuAnn: “I know it may be hard to top the hula hoop, but guess what, Bethenny. I got you a FABULOUS bag! Oh, and Ramona, here are some Tic Tacs.”

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“Fuck you, fuck your bag, fuck this dude behind me, and fuck this whole room.”

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“But I want to be friends with Kyle Richards too.”

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“She’s my friend. Go find your own manipulative former-child-star-turned-Fatburger-freeloader.”

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“You made me cry. Are you happy? You’ve reduced me to tears. And that’s UNCOOL.”

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“Okay, you have a tagline. We get it. Be cool, not uncool. Yada yada yada, kill me right now.”

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“These stems cells on my face just gave me a great idea. I should get into the Michael Myers Halloween mask industry!”

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“There’s a disturbance in my aura. I’m sensing something dark… something dangerous… something purely evil, and it’s about to walk in this room…”

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“Whoa! Sorry I’m late. LuANNNNN’s necklace gave me a rash, and I needed to get it cleared up before I go out and flirt with guys at Beautique tonight. What did I miss?”

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“I’m seeing Wintertime. Is someone in this room about to start a snowball fight?”

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“Guilty as charged!”

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“I’m also seeing a coin. Does anyone collect coins?”

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“Richard used to always use coins when he got candy out of the vending machine. YOU BETTER BACK IT UP, PSYCHIC!”

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Ramona: “WHOA. That’s weird. Whenever I get change for a dollar, I always get coins!”
Carole: “What’s Baby’s fortune?”

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“I’m picturing a dog. A dog named Baby. The dog says ‘woof woof. Change my name. Woof. Woof.'”

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“THAT’S CRAZY BECAUSE MY DOG WOOFS TOO!”

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“Bethenny, I feel like today is an important day.”

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“No.”

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“Really? Because I feel like something happened today. I’m seeing a man. Did something important happen to a man in your life today?”

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“No.”

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“Maybe your father?”

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“No.”

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“I’m seeing death. Was there a death?”

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“Oh, well, my father died today, but what else is new, right? Psssh. Psychic my ass.”

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“Hey baby, I love you. You promise not to storm out of dinner tonight?”

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“Only if you promise to be nice to Ramona. And not eat off my plate.”

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“Eat off your plate? Don’t mind if I do!”

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“You know what? I’m outta here. And one more thing: I JUST STAINED MY SLEEVE, AND I’M NOT GOING TO DAB IT WITH CLUB SODA.”

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“That is the most hurtful thing you’ve ever said.”

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“Hey everyone, I want to introduce you to my new product, Tipsy Girl Prosecco! It’s not to be confused with my new line of beer, Brudwizer.”

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LuAnn: “Tonight is your night, Sonja! Enjoy yourself… because tomorrow Bethenny will destroy you.”
Sonja: “She wouldn’t do that!!!”
LuAnn: “Hahhahaaa you’re adorable.”

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“Wow, Sonja, the place looks great. But what is that smell? Is Pickles still stuck in the crawl space?”

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LuAnn: “How cute! The tube TV is hilarious. Are these the intern quarters? No? It’s my room? Oh… well… I’m gonna go see what Jill Zarin is up to…”

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“Hiiiiii! Just dropping by for what will surely be a friendly congratulations from Bethenny!”

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“I don’t know whether to watch or hide under my desk.”

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“Thanks for coming in to see me. I just want to let you know that you’re a fraud, a cheater brand, a loser, and quite frankly, a terrible person.”

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“Wait, what?”

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“You’ve never launched a successful brand, you don’t know anything about liquor, and you don’t even have distributors.”

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“We have distributors!”

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“Who? Name one.”

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“All of them! We are literally getting Tipsy Girl into every store in the entire world. Plus, there’s this one dinghy in St. Tropez that’s already ordered two bottles.”

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“There is no dinghy. There are no bottles.”

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“Mario Cuomo just ordered five cases!”

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“Listen, you’re dumb, you’re a liar, you’re delusional, and I never want to see you ever again.”

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“I just wanted to do something nice. I just wanted you to be proud of me. Little ol’ me.”

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“Alright alright, take a tissue.”

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“I thought it would be cute. That’s all. A cute little prosecco company. [sniff sniff]”

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“You feel betta now?”

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“Yeah. I guess.”

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“Good. As I was saying, you’re an embarrassment to women, to New Yorkers, to humans in general. No one likes you. You’ll never find love again. Now get out of here.”

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“I guess I should stop designing my new soda, Coco Cola.”

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“This is truly the most awkward day of my life.”

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“I’m gonna call this ‘A Cookbook for Baby.'”

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“Hey LUANNNNN. I heard you once slept with a gay guy.”

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“Only once. Or twice. Or three times. But I doubt you will EVER meet him…”

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“HEYYY I’m Rey, LuAnn’s super straight boyfriend who likes vagina and being sober a lot.”

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“I have a girlfriend, and she’ssss hott… and like HOT and stuff.”

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“SHhhhHHHhhppphhhphh don’t tell LuAnn about my female girlfriend who’s hot and has sex with me.”

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Rey: “Wait, who told you about Ibiza? WHO??”
Sonja: “I was just singing that Ibiza pill song, that’s all.”
Rey: “What song?? By WHO??? WHO, you BETCH????”

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Rey: “Seriously Ramona, stay the fuck out of this. Just kidding, I love you, you bitch. But seriously WHO told you about Ibiza???”

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John: “I know you use OxyClean. Get the hell out of this party.”

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“[sniff sniff] whadddid I miss??? I was in the back sniffing, uh, fabric softeners.”

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“This is so déclassé!! You’ll never be allowed back in Beautique when THEY find out about this!!!”

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“By the way, you’re TRAAAAAASSSSHHHH. Can I get another drink before I leave though? TRAAAASH!!!”

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“You’re very rude. Also, this Asian Jewish lady is in my way; so I can’t leave just yet, you TRAAAAASSSSHH.”

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“I made it nice, Ramona. I MADE IT NICE!!!”

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John: “Wait, why are YOU leaving?”
Dorinda: “I still can’t believe you ate off my plate last night.”
“But I thought you were done.”
“No, John. I was moving my food around because I WANTED TO MAKE MY PLATE NICE. I MADE IT NICE.”

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“Hey listen, Dorinda. I’m sorry. I’ll be nicer to John. Also, did you ever notice how if you squint at your name, it sort of looks like it says Dorito?”

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“You’re such a fucking bitch.”

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“Oh look, we made it into Page Six of Modern Viking Woman Daily!”

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“I’m so glad we’re catching up, Dorinda. I’ve been having the hardest time with Ramona. She keeps saying that I have a drinking problem and that people don’t want to invite me places. Can you believe that? Who doesn’t want to invite ME???”

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“That’s just ridiculous! So anyway… you’re [cough] not invited to the Berkshires this weekend [cough cough].”

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Tom: “LuAnn has been great. I remember the first time I spoke to her on the phone…”

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“Was the receiver moist? Like her vagina?”

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“You know, because her vagina was super moist…”

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“JOHN MAHDESSIAN… you are so sexy.”

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“SAVE ME FROM DORINDA’S HOUSE!!!”

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“It’s so great to be out of Sonja’s townhouse. There’s no heating, there a mouse in the tube TV, and every day at 4:19 PM, Computer #6 starts to smoke.”

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“Literally, if I have to hear about Sonja again, I’m going to kill myself. I’m going to crawl underneath this table, poke my eyes out with candy canes, and just DIE.”

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“Don’t be mean, Bethenny.”

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“I can’t. I literally can’t. Sonja tried to steal Skinnygirl!”

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“Which I created.”

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“Excuse me?”

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“C’mon, we all know that I said the words ‘skinny’ and ‘girl’ way before you.”

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“Okay. I guess I’m gonna have to destroy you too.”

What do you think about this season so far? Who’s your favorite? Who’s your least favorite?

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23 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC PHOTOCAP: Season 8 So Far

  1. bethenny is my least favorite and Luann is quickly becoming my favorite. I’ve always hated Ramona and want to poke her eyes out with candy canes. I want Jules to stay for the mock factor, okaaaayyyy? Traaaash!

  2. OMG, tears are rolling down my face, I’m laughing so much. Insanely funny!

  3. Loving it over at the RH Subreddit! Great post pleeease keep it updated for future episodes!

  4. Aaahhhaaaa!!!!!! A new photo cap!!!! I’ve missed these so much!

    I haven’t even looked at I & I know it’s gonna be ah-mazing 😉

  5. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. I have missed your recaps so much. I listened to you and Ronnie twice per week, but I do love the written word also!

  6. This season is LIT. I love these crazy white women like they’re my own family. Love your blog even though I see no mention of Luann being a squirter. Which is crucial information that we all deserve to know.

  7. Awesome job! You just summed up the season in one post. These women are seriously crazy.

  8. Reading the captions, I don’t hear them in the HW’s voices — I hear them as you and Ronnie imitate them. Brilliant stuff!

  9. Thank you for this! Hilarious! My girlfriends and I were crying laughing! It made our day! Great job!

  10. You have not lost your touch. I’ve missed your photo recaps so much.
    I used to live for them now I live for WWC. I hope you can do more photo recaps. I don’t know of anyone else doing them.

  11. Oh, how I’ve missed your photocaps! I saw this a few days ago and rushed to get caught up so I could read it. It did not disappoint! Please consider doing more of these in the future!

  12. Yeah Bethenny and Carole are getting on my nerves. Started to like LuAnn and Sonn…
    Love your podcast!!
    Please please please keep posting recaps… Don’t stop!! :))

  13. I’m dead. No, really I just died. But, before I go I need to tell you, you slayed me with this. I want to take this blog post with me to heaven and sleep with it forever.

  14. I have missed your photo caps SO much. Hilarious as always!!! You have a gift and you are so unique in your humor.

  15. “Did someone say rotisserie chicken?” OMG I’m still laughing over these photocaps!! Much love to you and Ronnie, I never miss an episode. Bethenny is terrible now…everyone kissing up to her to stay on the show. Dorinda is my favorite this season…”I made it NICE!”

  16. “There aren’t enough Jewish and Asian references to adequately express my feelings right now”

    I just died.

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