FINDING PRINCE CHARMING PHOTOCAP: Fit for a Prince

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Last week, Logo premiered Finding Prince Charming, a reality competition colloquially referred to as the “gay Bachelor.” And that’s what it is. The show sees host Lance Bass guiding the handsome, robotic Robert Sepulveda Jr. through a gaggle of would-be suitors, all in the name of televised love. Our usual tropes are here: romantic music, catty brinksmanship, and the occasional declaration of personal tragedy. Some contestants play coy — Brodney amusingly struggles with “opening up” at a pool party, stating that it’s not the venue for such tender moments (and yet appearing on a TV is somehow less impersonal). Others swarm around Robert like tweens at a Bieber concert. It’s all pretty amazing and hilarious.

The biggest laughs, however, come from Robert himself, whose enviable torso often stands in for personality. He presents himself as a romantic soul with deep, empathetic thoughts — and yet he nearly rejects Paul for liking short men and gives the boot to Nick, whose sweating is seen as a roadblock to connection. Meanwhile, upon learning that the aforementioned Brodney is a trainer from his current home of Atlanta, Robert senses they might be a perfect match — you know, because they live in the same city and like to work out. It’s gloriously superficial, and I want to drag Robert over the coals for it, but unfortunately, I can’t act like I’m not a shallow gay man too; so hey, Robert — you go and get yourself a hot guy. I support you fully!

Full disclosure: my friend Brandon is amongst the suitors; so I am incredibly biased in his favor. Go Brandon!

Photocap after the jump…

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“Love is hard.”

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“I really want to meet a guy who is grounded, thoughtful, interesting, family-oriented, and educated. Or has abs. Actually, I’ll just take the abs.”

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“I’m a very empathetic person; so I really understand what this beach towel is feeling.”

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“I wonder if there are any mer-men out there. And if there are, do they work out?”

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Lance: “Tell me about your last relationship.”
Robert: “Well, it was really powerful, but ultimately we lacked a fundamental connection. I mean, he went to LA Fitness, and I go to Equinox.”

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“It’s funny talking about relationships because I’m married now.”

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“Yes, I heard. Congratulations.”

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“Can you believe it? I found a lifelong partner! ME! Lance Bass!”

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“That’s really great.”

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“But here I go again, rambling on about BEING MARRIED, which I am.”

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“Next question please.”

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“I haven’t eaten a carb since 2011.”

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Paul: “Hi there! I’m Paul. You have amazing eyes!”
Eric: “Thanks! You have amazing awkwardness!”

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Robert: “I wonder if they can tell how SNEAKY I’m being right now.”
Jasen: “Yes, bitch. You just said it out loud.”

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“Isn’t it great being tall? We have such a connection.”

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“Wow. I’m trying to create a connection with you, but I’m not sure I can connect with someone who connects with short guys.”

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“Thank you for making a safe space for me to walk into.”

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“WHAT AM I DOING HERE?”

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“C’mon Charlie, don’t be scared. I’m sure this Prince Charming dude cares more about what’s on the inside than the outside.”

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“Wait, is that a Hobbit?”

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“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”

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“WOW! I’m definitely getting kicked off first!”

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“Was the red suit a mistake? It was a mistake, wasn’t it? Yeah, I can see that now.”

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“It looks like he opened up a checking account at JoS. A Bank.”

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“They’re laughing at me. That’s okay: smile now and cry into a pillow later.”

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“HEY BITCHEZ!! THE PARTY IS HERE!!!”
Door girl: “Please, we all know I’m the star here.”

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Sam: “I swear to God, if this is Prince Charming, I’m going to turn straight.”

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“I like fabric.”

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“Hey guys, now you have to describe yourself as a hashtag. For example, I would be #MARRIEDyesIsaidMARRIED.”

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Robby: “My hashtag is–“
Lance: “#NOTMARRIEDLIKELANCE.”

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Nick: “I guess if I had to describe myself in a hashtag, it would be #newjerseyketchup.”

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“It’s so cute when ugly people talk.”

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“My name is Charlie, I live in Hermosa, and I’m looking for love.”
Lance: “You know you have no shot, right?”

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“Hey guys, I’m sorry I was so SNEAKY by pretending to be one of you, but to make up for it, I promise to be super vulnerable from here on out. And by ‘vulnerable,’ I mean shirtless.”

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“Hey Robby, why are you so gay?”

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“Why are you so conservative, Mary?”

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“PSSSHHHAAAHHH. You’re the conservative one, ladyface.”

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“Just because I talk like Trudy from Mad Men does not make me conservative.”

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“If I could think of a comeback, I would. Oh wait wait… here we go. FIX YOUR DRESS!!! Nailed it.”

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Robert: “Wow, he really gets me.”

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“Hey Brodney, why are you so shy?”

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“I don’t feel safe.”

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“But you’re in a wicker cage.”

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“I’m sorry I’m uncomfortable, but I’ve been cruising you for two years at the gym, and this is the first time you’ve ever talked to me.”

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“Well, I don’t talk to sweaty men. Have you seen Nick?”

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“Did somebody say my name?”

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“I just don’t think I can be open with you at a pool party. And in front of a national television audience. But mainly it’s the pool party.”

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“Wow. And here I thought we had such a connection. I mean, we’re both from Atlanta, we both go to the same gym… it’s, like, destiny.”

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“All this vulnerability is making me hot.”

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“You guys, Robert’s about to take his shirt off.”

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“I SEE AN AB.”

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“You guys, I’m shirtless too, soooooo….”

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“Me likey. ME LIKEY!!!”

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“Don’t be shy, Robert. Take it off.”

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“You guys, I have been dreaming about this moment for MY WHOLE LIFE.”

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“Is everyone ready for my honesty?”

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“HURRY UP!!!”

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Justin: “Dillon, turn around, you are missing EVAAARYTHAAAANG!!!”

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“That feels better. I felt so SNEAKY not letting everyone know how many abs I have.”

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“Do you mind if I come sweat near you, Robert?”

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Robert: “It’s bad enough that you’re sweating, but now you want to talk about New Jersey???”

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“I’m trying to make a connection with people here, and Nick is SWEATING. How the HELL am I supposed to connect with THAT?”

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“Sweating means I’m nervous. And that makes me vulnerable. You like that don’t you???”

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Robert: “You’re talking like a man who sprayed on his abs.”

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“What? No. What?”

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“Just give up, sweetheart.”

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“Hey Robert, just wanted to say that I’m having a great time swimming, and–“

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“Why are you talking to me?”

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“Robert, wait! I have something awkward to say!”

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“I’m so sorry for saying that I’ve dated short guys. I realize now that it was wildly offensive.”

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“Thank you for being honest and vulnerable with me. And for working out.”

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“So, Robert, have I mentioned that I’m married? Because I think that’s an important point to make.”

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“Yes, several times.”

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“Okay, good… (I’m married btw).”

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“Me.”
“Me.”
“Me!”
“ME!!!”

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Lance: “Okay everyone, here’s how this will work: Robert will stare vacantly at you, and whoever blinks first goes home.”

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“Eric, will you accept this ball-less mouth gag?”
“I think it’s just a necktie.”
“You’re funny. I like that.”

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“Eric, I feel like we have a real connection. You’re hot, I’m hot, and we love to breathe. Thank you for sharing the honesty of your pecs with me.”

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Lance: “Real quick: Robert has requested that those with spray-tanned abs refrain from looking directly into his eyes.”

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“HOW DOES HE KNOW???”

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“Oh look, my Uber driver’s here.”

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“Ummmm actually I’m one of the guys vying for your heart.”

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“I’m sorry, have we met?”

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“Yeah. We totally bonded in the pool.”

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“Hmm, I don’t usually swim with morbidly obese people. Are you sure?”

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“Hey, I’m a little thick, but I’m pretty sure I’m not morbidly obese. That really hurts my feelings.”

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“Wow, thank you SO much for being vulnerable with me. You are by far the best Uber driver I’ve had. Five stars!”

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“But what about… us?”

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“I just don’t think there’s a connection. I’m hot, and you’re… you.”

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“As a hot person, I’d like to say something.”

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“Yes, Brodney. You have the floor. And great arms.”

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“Remember that time at the gym when we walked by each other and smiled but didn’t say anything but then you looked back and I pretended not to see you? Well, I saw you.”

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“You know, Brodney, we have so much in common — we both love treadmills, we both have eyes — but I feel like you’re too guarded.”

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“I understand. It’s hard for me to let down my guard when I’m forced to wear a shirt.”

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“Unfortunately, you will not be receiving a tie tonight, but feel free to send me a dick pic anytime.”

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Lance: “Is there anything more beautiful than two men hugging with a combined .4% body fat?”

What did you think about the show?

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