FINDING PRINCE CHARMING PHOTOCAP: Hanging Chad

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This week on Finding Prince Charming, a line was drawn in the sand. Literally. During a listeless volleyball challenge in the name of romance, the hottest guys in the house gathered as a team, leaving everyone else in a basket of disposables sadly named “The Nice Guys.” Naturally, chaos ensued.

Most of the drama centered around Chad, who allegedly made a vulgar, scrotum-centric overture at Eric. It didn’t seem like a major ish at first, but then Eric happily reported the incident to Robert, who in turn questioned Chad, who in turn had a meltdown. Ultimately, the whole drama resulted in Chad butchering some canary metaphors and threatening to go home. It was highly fulfilling. Also of note: drunk Sam yelling at half the house like Kim Richards on game night.

Great work all around.

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Chad: “I think it’s great that we’re friends. I can’t believe I ever thought you were evil!”
Eric: “Haha, please leave my couch.”

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Chad: “Wait, we’re not cool? But we have matching manscapes.”

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“Listen, in life there are two types of people. Those who wind up on a hot volleyball team, and those named Chad.”

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“But I’m named Chad.”

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“THINK ABOUT IT.”

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“Before I pretend to fall over, please enjoy this pose.”

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“Last night was really emotional. My pecs haven’t stopped crying.”

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“Oh good, my delt is bigger today.”

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“CHAD SUCKS. HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY HOT VOLLEYBALL.”

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“Wow, thank you for being vulnerable about that. What did Chad do?”

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“Let’s just say, it was unforgiveable!”

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“He ate carbs, didn’t he?”

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Robert: “Heyyyy, I heard that you ate a carb.”
Chad: “WHO TOLD YOU?”
Robert: “I just want to make sure you still care about working out.”
Chad: “Of course. Like, I would never even consider a cheat meal.”
“Okay, good. Because I really feel like we’ve been connecting. I mean, we both have the same towel, and that’s important to me.”

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“I just want to say that some of these guys do not have your best interest in mind.”

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“You know what’s funny? Last week, I dumped Charlie because he said the same thing to me. But you’re hot; so instead I’ll thank you.”

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Lance: “Okay guys, separate yourselves into teams of Banana Republic and Old Navy.”

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“We’ll just be hanging out over here while you slowly eliminate the other team over the next five weeks.”

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“We’re Team Nice Guys. Because nice guys famously finish first, right?”

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“So, hot men, who’s the most important person in your life?”

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“That’s a great question, Robert. I would have to say the most important person in my life is you.”

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“Wow. You’re so vulnerable. Thank you for sharing that with me.”

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“No problem, my beautiful, dumb Prince.”

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Eric: “Listen, here’s my real problem. You stuck your hands down your pants and tried to make out with me. That makes me SO uncomfortable!”
Chad: “And living in a glorified brothel with ten other dudes all trying to give a blowjob to the same guy is perfectly fine for you?”

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“Who put this wine glass here??? I SAID WHO PUT THIS WINE GLASS HERE??? I’M ITALIAN!!!!”

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“Oh gosh. The hot guys are all sitting next to each other. Gaaah-rossss.”

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Robby: “You make it sound like we’re some clique of impossibly gorgeous men.”
Eric: “We’re just a group of exceedingly handsome human specimens who happen to only talk to each other and wear the exact same t-shirt.”

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“Someday I’ll be in the hot guy clique.”

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“No.”

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“I think it’s time to talk about canaries. Who likes them? Who hates them? Let’s put it all out on the table.”

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“EVERYONE SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. AND TALK CANARIES.”

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“Someone sang like a canary, and it’s not cool.”

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“IT. IS. NOT. COOL!!! REAL CANARY TALK!

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“Just be cool, canary. Maybe we can fool around later.”

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“I WILL SOAK UP EVERY MOTHERFUCKING OUNCE OF HOT TUB WATER UNTIL ONE OF YOU CANARIES TELLS US WHO’S BEEN CANARYING!!”

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“I CAN’T STOP YELLING!!!”

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“I’m so upset with these canaries that I had to wear sleeves.”

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Robert: “Wow, your arm smells like arm.”

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Justin: “Look! There’s another side!”
Robert: “Whoa… has it always been there?”
“Yaaa!!!”

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“Ten seconds into my date with Robert, and I’m already being forced into being shirtless. GREAT.”

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Robert: “I brought you here to this pile of salt because I thought you might feel at home with an experience that was high in sodium.”
“Rude.”

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Justin: “OMG on my date we made cologne and sniffed each other’s arms and then made out, and it was so hot. How was your date, Jasen?”

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“We played with salt.”

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“I’m confused, Mary.”

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“it was great. It was like going back to the ocean except no water. Just… salt… lots and lots of… salt…. Sooooo… yeah….”

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“Justin, will you keep wearing my tie?”

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“Yes, as long as I don’t have to swap it out for the one you’re wearing.”

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Robert: “But polka dots express charisma.”

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“Whatever you say, Ken Doll.”

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“My name is Robert.”

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“Mmkay I’m gonna go back to the pack now.”

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“Chad, will you step forward?”

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“I’M SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THE LOUD CANARY SINGING.”

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“Please stop mangling the canary metaphor. And take your hands out of your pants.”

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“My balls were itching. That’s all. I promise I wasn’t trying to cruise you… unless you’re into that?”

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“I am.”

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“THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN THE CANARIES CRY.”

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“Salt guy, please step forward.”

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“Jasen. My name is Jasen.”

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“Do you remember your hashtag?”

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“No, I blocked that mortifying exercise out of my memory.”

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“It was #CHEMISTRY. And unfortunately, we don’t have any.”

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“But what about the salt? You said you loved it.”

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“Truth is that I don’t even know what salt is.”

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“So you’re really going to get rid of me? Do you even know who I am? I’m Sonja Morgan’s makeup artist. I could introduce you two!!”

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“Yeah, well, I know famous people too. Perhaps you’re familiar with Morganica Comptroller.”

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“Who’s that?”

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“Only the best circuit party performer of 2016. I guess you’re not familiar with her hit song, “Chinese Chicken Salad.”

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“Okay, I’m giving back this tie now.”

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“This tie ritual is SO OVERWROUGHT. WHY CAN’T I STOP SCREAMING INTO MY HANDDDSSSSSSS?????”

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“I miss my custom suit.”

What did you think about this episode? Who are you rooting for?

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