I have to admit that I wasn’t planning on photocapping the latest Finding Prince Charming, but then I received a sign from the heavens that changed my plans — nay, my life. This morning I spotted none other than Robert Sepulveda Jr. himself lingering around the hot deli bar of my local Ralph’s supermarket. That’s right: I FOUND PRINCE CHARMING. If that’s not an omen, I don’t know what is. Unfortunately I didn’t take a picture of this spectral being because a) my hands were full of Starbucks and supermarket sushi, and b) there really couldn’t be anything more humiliating than snapping a pic of a Logo star at Ralph’s. I decided I would mentally thank him for being vulnerable to the deli section, go home, and write this photocap. And here we are.
This week, the show reached new levels of lunacy as Sam flipped his lid and excoriated Dillon for being a canary, a shit-stirrer, and essentially the source of all evil in this world. It was a fabulous flameout that resulted in Sam sauntering out of the house of his own volition while Justin nonsensically cried. Meanwhile, Robert suddenly decided he liked Paul and was so aroused by the tragic story of his ex that he stood up and planted a big, sloppy kiss on his face. It was not for the fainthearted. It was not for anyone, really.
Here’s the photocap:
“Hey guys, who wants to play a game called ‘Luck of the Draw?'”
“MEEEEEE!!!”
“And who wants to do my taxes???”
“MEEEEE!!!”
“And who wants to help me get rid of a dead body?”
“MEEEEE!!!”
“I’m not a canary. I just dress like one on TV.”
Sam: “Goddamn fucking house full of goddamn canaries undermining me.”
Dillon: “Hey Sam, you nervous for your date? You know, on account of you being on the ugly volleyball team?”
“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME????”
“I’m Dillon. Your friend from the hot team.”
“NO. YOU’RE A CANARY!! CANARY!!!”
“I’m just trying to send you good, happy, HOT energy.”
“LIAR! YOU’RE SENDING ME CANARY ENERGY!!! 100% PURE FUCKING CANARY!!!”
Robert: “Are you nervous, Sam? It’s not easy balancing someone highly charismatic like me.”
“OF COURSE I’M FUCKING NERVOUS YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!!!!”
“I’m sorry. That outburst before isn’t the real me. I’m a very sweet, kind person who just happens to have a PASSIONATE HATRED FOR CANARIES!!!”
“You know, Sam, I can’t help but notice that you’re wearing the color blue, which is funny because that’s my favorite color. I really feel like we’re starting to connect.”
“You’re just a big ol’ dumb-dumb, aren’t you, Mary?”
“Thank you for being vulnerable enough to say that.”
Robert: “Hey Justin, what would you name a horse if you had one?”
Justin: “Black Beauty!”
Robert: “Me too!”
“YAAAASSS!!!”
“So much chemistry.”
Robert: “Do you ever think about how weird it is that our favorite horse name is BLACK beauty, even though our favorite color is blue?”
Justin: “LIDDDERAALLLY that just blew my mind.”
Robert: “No offense Chad, but there’s, like, so much more bench we could be using.”
Paul: “Today has been one of the greatest days of my life. Thank you for taking the time to endure my awkwardness.”
Robert: “No, thank YOU for teaching me that I can connect with someone who doesn’t wear blue.”
“Are you putting me in the friend zone, Robert? Be honest.”
“Aw, Danique, that’s so adorable for you to think we would even be friends.”
“MY TURN! MY TURN!!!”
Dillon: “YOU WILL LOVE ME.”
Robert: “Never do that again.”
Dillon: “Mmmm – his shoulder smells like tears and humiliation.”
“So…. did I just totally blow my shot?”
“Well, we really have no chemistry, and you’re kind of smothering, and I really don’t see a future with you, but… you’re hot. So, don’t worry about it!”
Dillon: “Thank you for letting me stare obssessively into your cheekbones.”
Robert: “I expect a blowjob later.”
Robert: “Wow. I never knew you wore glasses! I really feel a connection with you now.”
Robby: “Oh sweetheart, you’re just the most adorable piece of driftwood I ever met!”
Paul: “So… my ex killed himself, and now I’m just trying to move through the grieving process, and–“
Robert: “Enough small talk.”
Paul: “I didn’t realize suicide was small talk but…”
“NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM”
Dillon: “I ONCE HAD A HOUSEPLANT THAT DIED, AND THAT WAS KIND OF LIKE A SUICIDE SO KISS ME! KISS ME!!”
“You’re not wearing blue, you don’t wear glasses, and you never once mentioned Black Beauty. And now you want me to kiss you??”
“DILLON SHUT THE FUCK UP OVER THERE!! I KNOW YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT ME!! I KNOW IT!!!!”
Sam: “Listen, everyone just SHUT IT. Dillon’s talking about me, and I know it because he’s a stupid little CANARY. NOT A ROBIN. NOT A BLUE JAY. A MOTHERFUCKING CANARY!!!!”
“Oh God. Canaries!!!”
“Oh now look!! DILLON IS TELLING ROBERT ALL MY PASSWORDS!!!! AND NOW MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!!! AND THEY’RE USING MY AMAZON ACCOUNT!!! SOMEONE SPIT ON THAT CANARY!!!”
“Goodbye, Sam.”
Sam: “YOU DISGUST ME, DILLON! WHO DANGLES A TIE ON A LIGHT FIXTURE?? THAT IS A FIRE HAZARD!!”
“I feel bad for yelling at Dillon. Even though he hung his tie off the lighting fixture and imperiled us all, that’s no excuse for my behavior. That’s not me. I swear…”
“GO THROW YOURSELF DOWN A STAIRCASE, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKING FIRE-HAZARD-CAUSING CANARY!!!! [spit]”
“Not me at all!”
Justin: “BUT I DON’T WANT TO DANCE THE FOXTROT ANYMORE.”
“This is so terrible. NO hot person deserves to be yelled at!”
“I’ll just be sitting here for the next six hours.”
“Bad news, Robert. Sam left the show.”
“Sam? Who’s Sam?”
“You went on a date with him today.”
“I’m not familiar.”
“He looks sort of like Steve Carell.”
“Hmmm… which volleyball team was he on?”
“The Not Hot one.”
“Oh thank God.”
“Dillon, you’re aggressive, gossipy, and full of red flags. But you have abs. Will you wear my tie?”
“Wow. He said he loved me.”
“No, I just said I want you to wear my tie.”
“I can’t believe it’s happening. We’re getting married.”
“I literally never said that.”
“Dillon Sepulveda. I like the sound of that.”
“So you’re getting rid of me and keeping Dillon?”
“Well, you have a pimple, and I can’t connect with that.”
“EVERY CHOICE IN MY LIFE HAS BEEN A MISTAKE.”
What did you think about the episode?
Pls keep making these, they’re hilar. I need my fix for a laugh. Much love, xoxo
Rose Pricks need to have you on as a guest, it’d be a blitz.
I couldn’t be more vulnerable right now if I tried, I hope you like that about me.
I will never be able to properly express how much I enjoy these. They’re so far superior to the show.
i hope u know that robert drank jizz out of a used condom and had his ribs removed, see easy receipts via google. a couple of his rentboy reviews also imply he a racist. lul he also promised to sue his h8rs. he is so pernicious.