Recently in Animals Category
As is often the case, I had a sudden and intense craving for frozen yogurt last night, and when I asked my dearest friend Sly if she'd like to join me, she made a proposition: she would come with me if I went up to her apartment and fulfilled her deepest needs, and in this case, her deepest needs involved killing a spider. Being the gentleman that I am, I happily headed up the street to Sly's dwelling where I found her cowering behind her door, her face full of dread and fear. I sincerely felt pity for this woman, and from my pity sprang a deep surge of manliness -- the sort of manliness that made me want to save this trembling lass from the tormentor that, er, tormented her so.
But of course, I wasn't about to do anything without being documented. Fuzzy pictures of the experience after the jump. Animal activists and PETA representatives be warned: you won't be happy.
I was bored today; so I decided to return to one of my favorite hobbies: mashing up the Real Housewives with random photos. This post's theme: animals! (courtesy of Boston.com)
I probably have too much time on my hands...
I didn't get a chance to watch the Top Chef reunion last night, but I did get a chance to see this squirrel, which was so bold as to come up to my front stoop without any fear of human attack. It has spent the past ten minutes licking the bricks, which seems odd, but it's probably rabid; so who the hell knows what's going through its mind. Anyway, since I don't really know what to post today, I contemplated live blogging this squirrel's brick-licking adventure, but then I thought that might be lame -- even for me. So now I'm just uploading this photo for no real reason other than to say that I don't know what to write about. I guess I can open up the floor to discussion: are squirrels cool? Or do they suck?
DISCUSS.
Thanksgiving weekend is thisclose to ending; so to prolong the good times, here's a fun video of my friend's cat attacking a bag of pecans. It's oddly transfixing.
Exclusive video of Sly at work.
Breaking news! A skunk in Oklahoma got its head stuck in a peanut butter jar yesterday. Don't worry, it was saved by a "skunk whisperer," and thankfully, my dear friend and skunk enthusiast Sly has sent me the exciting video of the animal wandering around helplessly. Clearly this is the most fascinating thing since a squirrel got his head stuck in a Yoplait container earlier this summer. Enjoy.
I admit it: I have a soft spot for cat videos. This one is no exception. And unlike the typical feline clip, this one comes with neat spider "commentary." Consider me amused.
Via Best Week Ever.
I haven't written about 24 in a few weeks, but that's not to say my love for the show has been waning. This seventh season has been great, and in a lucky turn of events, I nabbed an invite to a special advanced screening of next week's season finale of the show. Out of respect to Fox and the viewers, I won't spill a single bean, but I will say that the finale is great, with the first hour being particularly exciting (the second hour is still strong, but it's more dramatic than intense — which is totally fine). And yes, several questions are answered.
Of course, one of the reasons why I may have thought the finale was so awesome was because I was in a theater filled with a thousand or so people. I've never watched 24 en masse before, but I can say without a doubt that it's a fantastic way to take in the show. Everyone there was a 24 fan, and as such, there was plenty of cheering and booing and laughing, which only served to elevate the experience. There's nothing like watching Jack Bauer viciously kill three people in a row while a teeming mob of viewers claps along. I really think Fox should organize special screenings of the show from time to time because it's really quite a noteworthy theatrical experience.
As if seeing the finale a week early wasn't awesome enough, there was another surprise in store for us (and no, it wasn't standing in line at the theater in front of John Tesh — although, that was preeettty awesome too). The shocking turn of events was that this screening wasn't just a screening. It was a full-on red carpet event. Who knew? Since I had a plus one, I brought fellow 24 enthusiast IndianJones along, and we were both surprised to see that this wouldn't be a mere case of us taking our seats and watching the big shew. No, there was press and media and — most importantly — hors d'oeuvres. If there's one thing that can trump celebrities and fanfare, it's free food. I kid you not, IndianJones and I basically zipped past JON VOIGHT in an effort to get our dirty little paws on some turkey wraps and pulled pork sandwiches (the latter was very tasty).
Yes, this event was significantly more high profile than we had expected (plus, there was a Q&A with the entire cast afterwards), but at the same time, it was exceedingly lax with security. No one checked our names, and there were no cell phone and camera policies. Literally every single screening or taping I've been to has been amazingly hostile about bringing in recording devices. When I saw Benjamin Button, guys with infrared goggles patrolled the audience. Well, since there was already such a huge line when IndianJones and I showed up, we decided we'd save some time and leave our cell phones in the car. Heck, I didn't even bring my camera to the event because I assumed security would be so tight (and I didn't know there'd be a red carpet either). WELL. No one cared, and as such, I missed a golden opportunity to take pictures of Kiefer, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Elisha Cuthbert, and pretty much everyone else. Plus, we wound up sitting next to President Logan (who was wearing a dumb fedora). SO MANY TWITTERING OPPORTUNITIES LOST!!! IndianJones took great joy in telling me the rest of the night that I was experiencing an "Epic blogging FAIL!" Alas.
So, instead of coming to you with pictures of Kiefer et al., after the jump please enjoy some shots of the annoying pigeons that are preparing to roost on my neighbor's balcony.
A few months ago, I witnessed a seagull carrying a bagel around in its mouth — an image that proved to be so endlessly entertaining to me that I whipped out my camera and documented the entire experience. Things have been pretty quiet on the bird front since then, but yesterday, the wing'd ones returned thanks to the sudden appearance of a scone on the rooftop next door. I have no idea how or why a scone wound up on the roof, but it did, and I won't question it any further, lest the mysterious scone gods focus their wrath on me. Anyway, word spread across the seagull blogosphere very quickly, and soon there was an entire flock circling overhead as if a barge full of chum had moored just outside my window. I saw the scone, I saw the gulls, and I saw potential. I immediately grabbed my camera and snapped as many pics as I could. I felt like a paparazzo. Except instead of celebrities, I was stalking seagulls. Hmmmm... doesn't have the same cachet.
Last week, I posted a viral video of a turtle humping a shoe. The most shocking part of the entire ordeal was the discovery that male turtles apparently make tiny squeeze doll noises with each libidinous thrust — sounds I'd expect more from Paula Abdul than a Koopa Troopa. Nevertheless, my friend sawgee immediately pointed me in the direction of yet another turtle porno clip, and this one, I'm proud to say, involved the participation of two amphibious creatures (and not a soulless remnant from Foot Locker). The cute sounds are still there, but I wouldn't call this mating ritual terribly romantic. It has a certain barbaric, borderline rape-y quality thanks to the alpha turtle's relentless headbutting of his sexual victim. Disturbing, hilarious, and intriguing — what more can you ask for?
And just for shits and horrified giggles, after the jump is a video of tortoises doing the nasty. The sounds are deeper and significantly more disturbing (at times the tortoise sounds like a nasty old man pleasuring himself), but you'll be the star of the cocktail party when you announce "I just saw a tortoise threesome!" Trust me, it's a great opener.
Animal and environmental activists will perpetually bemoan the encroachment of civilization on nature. For the most part, they usually have a point. But sometimes we get some good old fashioned follies out of man v. wild. Take these three deer, which oddly decided to go running through a liquor store in search of whatever it was they needed. (Don't ask what they wanted or why — deer are idiots). Hey, maybe they just were looking for some booze. Lesson learned: Bambi grew up to be a wino. Point is, if you like watching disoriented animals jump and crash all over the place, this video is for you. However, if such things make you sad, well, then you probably shouldn't even be reading this blog anyway (but please continue to do so because I need the traffic).
Horrifying news this week that one of our most beloved reality TV pets, Ashes from The Hills, has gone missing (and no, he hasn't been hiding out on the floor). Apparently Lauren Conrad was bringing the cat into the house when a loud, passing car startled our feline friend. Ashes immediately jumped from the not-so-iron-clutches of LC and ran into the bushes, never to be seen again. Lauren said she looked around for him, but it was all in vain. Ashes had disappeared. Why, Ashes, why??? I'm sure the poor cat was genuinely startled by the asshole car, but part of me thinks it just didn't want to be around Brody's whining anymore. Sweet kitty freedom!!
Those who know cats know that Ashes could very well resurface a few weeks down the line; however, the scuttlebutt is that Lauren and Lo have up and sold their Hollywood casa, which means the likelihood that Ashes will be reunited with the girls is next to none. Luckily, there is a silver lining: I happen to live just a few blocks from Lauren's old place. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for Ashes, and if I find him, you can be sure you'll here about it here first. It's the least I could do after so relentlessly mocking Alessandra Ambrosio's missing pup.
Thanks to reader Nicole for giving me the heads up. To hear Lauren's interview where she spills the beans about Ashes, click here.
Ever wanted to see two foxes on a trampoline? Well, good news: here it is! There's something so wonderful and pure about watching these two mammals discovering the bouncy joys of elasticity. I just don't know why the videographer didn't record a longer clip. Bastard.
If I had a trampoline, I'd leave all sorts of food on it for the animals to get. Could you imagine? Airborne raccoons, possums, squirrels, bunnies! Memo to the San Diego Zoo: install trampoline flooring POSTHASTE!
Via D-Listed
UPDATE: More fox-on-trampoline action after the jump (no pun intended)!
Not so long ago, I happened to look out my window and see a flock of seagulls circling around the rooftop of an adjacent building. Closer inspection revealed that someone had placed a few bagels out for the birds, thus causing a white-feathered frenzy amongst the gathered avian creatures. I, of course, was amused because there truly is nothing odder than seeing a seagull hoisting a full bagel in its mouth. It's one thing to see a bird with a crust or a crumb or an errant piece of trash, but bagels — I don't know. It's just a strange combination.
Anyway, in my apparent boredom, I actually posted a Facebook status update about this bagel-seagull activity, thus prompting an urgent and excited message from IndianJones who simply wrote "PICTURE." Well, who was I to deny the masses? I pulled out my camera and caught some very, very intense bird-on-bagel moments. Planet Earth should watch out...
Thanks to my friend Jash for giving me the heads up on this feline adventure.
Take a good look at the cats above. They represent the future of this country. That's right, meet Barack Obama (l) and Renegade (r), two cats partaking in the "Purr-fect President" competition as part of the sixth annual CFA Iams Cat Championship. Attendees of this very special event are encouraged to vote for their favorite "Demo-cat" or "Republi-cat," with the results perhaps foreshadowing the eventual Presidential election in November.
Aside from all the silly puns employed in this event, I really only care because I think it's hilarious that anyone would name their cat "Barack Obama." How incredibly awkward. Every time the cat does something, it must sound way more momentous than it actually is. I can just imagine the owner complaining, "UGH! Barack Obama is shedding EVERYWHERE." Or "Guess what? Barack Obama caught a bird yesterday!" or "My heavens, Barack Obama coughed up quite the fur ball this morning." Ahhhh, I kill me.
For more information on these cats (including the results), feel free to read about the contest here.
And if you're wondering if the potential First Ladies got any feline lovin', fear not. Picture of the Cindy McCain cat after the jump.
So apparently I may have just started a feud with supermodel Alessandra Ambrosio. Turns out she's the owner of that green dog I posted about earlier.
I still contend that Buddha is one of the stupidest-looking dogs I've ever seen in my life, even if he is/was owned by a supermodel. And let's get one thing straight: he's certainly no ANDREW. However, if Alessandra promises to make sure Buddha is never subject to such ridiculous hues again, I'm willing to forgive and forget.
And again, since I'm not a total bastard, if you find this Shamrock Shake of a dog, call 310 396-4400 or 877-PET-TOTO.
I just received an urgent, automated call here at home. Apparently one of my neighbors has a missing dog, and even worse, the owner suspects that he's been stolen! That's right, the inappropriately named Buddha has been plucked out of West Hollywood, disappearing into the ether like a fleeting, spectral vision. I have to admit that this is the first time I've ever received an automated call about a missing pet, and being ever curious, I went onto the website findtoto.com where I was told I could find more information. Of course, a part of me feared this might just be some lame (yet effective) marketing strategy for Beverly Hills Chihuahua, but no, the website was legit. I looked up the missing pooch, and lo and behold, there was Buddha — looking pretty much as dumb as a dog can be made to look.
Buddha's picture after the jump.
What can I say? I love me some cat videos.
Cat videos are a dime a dozen on the Internet, and the truth is that almost all of them make me laugh out loud. This one, however, most certainly produced some of the larger belly laughs of recent memory. What can I say? Take a curious cat, throw in a remote-controlled mouse, add some twinkly piano, and I'm sold!
I don't know why this video amuses me so much, but in the wake of Wednesday's super intense con-TRAH-versy about canine punishment on the waaaaaay under-appreciated Greatest American Dog, it seems only appropriate that we observe this woman's reprimanding of a very, very guilty dog named LeeLoo. Beware: the ensuing cocktail of cuteness and shame might be more than you'll be able to handle.
And after the jump, the exciting conclusion to the entire LeeLoo saga...
Via Best Week Ever
Finding the unicorn is cool and all... but IF IT EATS MY FLOWERS I'LL KILL IT!!!
So after centuries of hunting down the unicorn, scientists think they've finally found the mythical beast. And no, it's not a white, equine animal as beautiful as the winter's snow.
It's a stupid deer with a little antler. Dumb.
UNICORNS ARE AWFUL NOW.
Single-horned 'Unicorn' deer found in Italy [Yahoo! News]
I just stumbled upon this article in Yahoo's "Oddly Enough" news department, and while I'm sure it's supposed to be amusing and heartwarming, I just found it troubling and sad. Okay, and amusing too. Basically, in 2006, a black swan named Petra fell in love with a paddleboat that resembles — you guessed it — a giant swan (a white one, to be specific). The two have been inseparable ever since. Well, almost inseparable. You see, Petra and her hunky boyfriend / boat were relocated to a local zoo where they've lived a storybook romance... until last week when a real life white swan entered the picture. This new suitor introduced Petra to the pleasures of the flesh, and soon, the old boat was given the heave-ho. At last, it seemed like Petra would be moving on from her awkward Lars and the Real Girl phase.
But in an inevitable twist, Petra's handsome new paramour up and left her to seek out the company of other black swans. When asked for a comment, the white swan merely stated, "Crazy bitch told me she spent the past two years dating a boat. A boat. That's just fucked up. I don't want my cygnets being dumb as rocks. Peace out, swan bitch."
Anyway, since being left at the proverbial altar, Petra has been visibly agitated, to the point where zookeepers fret that she's experiencing intense loneliness. Personally, I think she's just coming to the realization that she's a batshit loco swan who'll never live up to her mother's unreasonable expectations. The good news for her though was that on Friday, she was reunited with her inanimate boat lover, and thus her long-standing romance could resume. I guess it's sort of sweet and cute — until you realize how sadly delusional this bird is. [me whispering: psycho!]
For more on this kind of pathetic bird, click here.
Common sense and some sort of innate, animal instinct tells us that when it comes to lions, we humans should probably keep our distance. However, someone forgot to pass along the memo to British school teacher Kate Drew, who on a recent safari, opted to get up close and personal with the big cats, thinking that, you know, she wouldn't get her head gnawed off. Turns out that maybe she should have thought twice. The unlucky woman quickly found herself the chew-toy of choice for one jovial lion, but thankfully, she survived this completely predictable and avoidable attack. Non-graphic photos after the jump...
About ten days ago, scientists released underwater footage from the depths of the ocean that portrayed, among other things, sea spiders swimming along in the dark, icy currents. I was rather fascinated by these water-bound arachnids, and as one is wont to do in such circumstances, I promptly headed over to Wikipedia for further reading. Much to my surprise, there was a wealth of information about these little underwater critters, but nothing surprised me more than when the article announced that sea spiders "are cosmopolitan." I know that in this context, "cosmopolitan" refers merely to a near-global biological distribution of the species, but upon further research, I discovered that sea spiders are also cosmopolitan in the everyday sense too. Shocking photographic evidence after the jump.
It's funny because it's true.
I love when the Yahoo! News algorithms go funky, as evidenced here when a picture of a dog was chosen to represent the twenty-four semifinalists on American Idol. Ominous foreshadowing or merely wishful thinking? I'd tune in.
Here's something to brighten your dreary afternoon. My friend Michelle hit up the Westminster Dog Show this weekend and filmed her exploits for Best Week Ever. The results are highly amusing. Or rather, if you're looking for an unfunny video, you're barking up the wrong tree. Ha, I kill me.
Today, stalwart climate clairvoyant Punxsutawney Phil — the Al Roker of puffy rodents — emerged from his stump, and in an ominous sign for those seeking a return to warm weather, the celebrity groundhog saw his shadow, thus ushering in six more weeks of inclement winter weather.
But not all is as it seems.
The Associated Press reports that Phil's Southern counterpart, Gen. Beauregard Lee of Lilburn, GA, had not in fact seen his shadow, which means winter will end early. Furthermore, this is the third year in a row that these groundhogs have split over meteorological predictions. Have the days of bipartisan groundhoggery passed? Or maybe is it time that The Punxy Philster be dethroned?
WHOSE SIDE DO YOU TAKE???
So THIS is what happens when Kim Kardashian opens her legs...
I decided to make a LOLcat for the first time ever. If you think it's funny, click on the pic and vote on the site. If you don't think it's funny, well, then I guess this is very awkward, isn't it?
"Oh hello. I'm a little sad because I'm SO DAMN ADORABLE."
A few months ago, we all loved Knut the polar bear to pieces. I for one spent many a goofy moment smiling at the assorted galleries dedicated to his cute, joyous youth. In fact, on a recent trip to Berlin, it was all I could do to avoid dropping by the zoo and purchasing a collectible Knut tchochke. However, Knut eventually hit those awkward polar-tween years and like so many child stars before him (Jonathan Lipnicki, Hallie Eisenberg, Prince William), he quickly lost his cuteness in favor of general gawkiness (or in his case, muddy bloodlust). Luckily, we have a new cub to dote over, and unlike those silly polar bears, this one is guaranteed to stay cute for the rest of her life. Why? Because she's a goddamn baby panda, that's why. Knut will always have a special place in my heart, but for now, let's all enjoy the glory that is ZHEN ZHEN, the San Diego Zoo's newest media sensation.
A few more photos after the jump.
