B-Side Blog

Late Night Lobster Elevates Boring Friday Night

2010-03-15T19:41:37Z

I love many things about Los Angeles, but I can't say I'm a big fan of the early-bird schedule. Once 7:30 rolls around, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who hasn't eaten dinner yet (or at least already made plans to). Imagine my unhappiness then Friday night when dinner plans had fallen through, leaving me high and dry at the witching hour of 9 PM. In New York, this would barely be a problem. It's practically the norm to eat after ten. In LA though, I was S.O.L., which meant I'd have to scavenge my fridge for nourishment. It was looking like Friday night was gonna be spent alone with a slice of leftover quiche and perhaps some tears. However, I was saved in the eleventh hour (almost quite literally) by my friend Tony C (of Sinosoul), who said he'd be willing to dine with me if I gave him an hour or so to drive back from the depths of Fullerton, CA. Oh glorious developments. Not only did I have someone to have dinner with, but I knew I'd be in store for some fun Asian grub as well. And that's kind of my favorite grub.

]]> Sure enough, Tony proposed we go to a place called Seafood Village, which was conveniently open until 1 AM (also a rarity in Los Angeles restaurants: late night hours). Even though I was already starving at 9 PM and even though the restaurant was way the eff out there in Monterey Park, the promise of trying a new restaurant was too entrancing for me. I happily agreed to the location, and when Tony finally gave me the call at midnight that he was back from Fullerton, I all but sprinted to my car. I swear I almost gnawed off my steering wheel I was so hungry. Luckily, I had the sort of good fortune with traffic that is almost unheard of in Los Angeles. I hit every light en route to the highway (a minor miracle unto itself), and even better, there was no traffic. None! Zilch! I got from my garage in Hollywood to the restaurant in 17 minutes (normally it takes twice that long, even on a good night). I was ready to eat.

About a minute after I arrived at the restaurant, Tony and his lovely wife pulled up, and the three of us took a seat. Needless to say, there was no line:

I'm fairly certain the waiters all wanted to stab us as we walked in the door, given that they were all but ready to close down the place; however, they had to honor their hours, and so they handed us some menus, including a nifty After Midnight insert. I really didn't know what to order; so I simply deferred to Tony and hoped his Asian-ness would lead us to culinary delights. He kept telling me "Get whatever you want!" but I just played the naïve white card until finally he took the reins. Honestly, i was so hungry that I knew it would take me forever to parse through the menu. I become woefully indecisive when I'm famished (mostly because I want to be sure I order the PERFECT dish); so really, having Tony choose our food was the most expedient course of action. Plus, as I mentioned before, he's Asian. The waiter eventually ambled over, Chinese was spoken, I smiled politely, and our order was placed.

Of course, Tony came prepared for this meal. He suddenly whipped out a green bottle of Korean rice wine and poured us a few cups' worth. I can assure you the stuff was delicious and apparently super cheap (not to mention a tad stronger than typical beer). This dinner was off to a good start.

Arriving first at the table was a small bowl of clams. They were quite tasty, but honestly, I hardly remember their flavor. I was in such a hunger-fueled haze that I just sort of inhaled them.

Next came our two other dishes: a three pound crab and a whole lobster, both delicately fried and smelling wonderfully of garlic. The crab was actually this restaurant's specialty, and with a wonderful heap of deep fried garlic on top, I could see why. It should come as no shock that I was practically drooling on the floor. A few hours prior, the last thing I expected to be having for dinner was a feast of crab, clams, and LOBSTER.

Insanity.

The next forty minutes were sort of a blur. I spent most of my time prying out crab meat and licking my fingers. I have to say that while the crab is the restaurant's specialty, it was really the lobster the stole the show. Sweet, succulent, and also significantly easier to extract from the shell, this dish had me squealing with joy -- at least internally.

Oh, and here's the best part. The cost for the whole lobster: $10. Not per pound, not per person. $10 TOTAL. After midnight special FTW!

My growing pile of shells. Sort of like a crabby wigwam.

Happiness.

So thank you Tony C for introducing me to a new restaurant and saving me in my hour of culinary need. It was worth the wait.

REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Battle of the Barbecues

2010-03-12T20:09:40Z

Based on the way season two of Real Housewives of New York City ended, you'd never believe that Jill, LuAnn, and Kelly would be in a clique pitted against the other women, but that's exactly how this young cycle has been turning out. Tension is still thick between the feuding parties of Ramona and LuAnn as well as Bethenny and Jill, and as such, when Labor Day rolled around, the ladies splintered into groups to celebrate this last day of summer. Of course, Kelly wasn't about to hang with Bethenny; so she headed to LuAnn's place, and Ramona, knowing that she needed reinforcements, nabbed Alex and Simon with a last minute invite to her party. Yes, this had the makings of a classic feud with each side gathering allies and armaments. All these women needed was a spark -- a metaphorical assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand -- and that came in the form of Alex and Simon attempting to maintain amicable relations with both sides. The perennially awkward (but oddly lovable) couple attempted to extricate themselves from Ramona's home to go do a pop-in at LuAnn's, but things went awry when Alex alerted their hostess of their plans. The thought was that Alex didn't want her actions to come off as sneaky or two-faced, but in reality, she didn't owe it to anyone to explain where she was headed later that afternoon. As expected, Ramona went nuts, arguing (somewhat justifiably) that it was rude -- nay, TACKY -- of LuAnn to try to poach HER guests. She's right to an extent, but of course we don't know the context of LuAnn's invitation (was it a casual "Stop by on your way back?" or something more formal?). We also don't know the timing. As far as we could tell, Alex and Simon were intentional last second invites to the BBQ. Ramona admitted so much in an interview as we watched her pretend like she had totally forgotten to invite "Silex" all along. Perhaps LuAnn had invited them first.

Ultimately though, it really doesn't matter. They're all adults, and supposedly they should be able to figure these things out. But alas, Ramona badgered the McCord-Van Kempens into staying, and so Alex had to place a call to Jill to inform her that there really was no graceful way for her to exit the party (actually, the graceful way would be to say "Thanks for having us! We have to leave.") Jill was totally warm and accommodating and told Alex not to worry about it... until she hung up the phone and then pooh-poohed Alex's choice. She noted that if Alex really wanted to come to LuAnn's, she would have found a way, which was true, but also... who cares? It's just a casual BBQ. And if Alex's primary social obligation was indeed Ramona's funhouse, she most certainly did not owe it to LuAnn to drop by. Alas.

]]> Aside from dueling BBQs, the episode was full of plenty of other amusing tidbits. LuAnn's former housekeeper Rosie made a cameo appearance, probably just to reveal her new look. It seems like every year this woman gets a makeover, and the good news is that she looks younger each time. Gone are her matronly, old looks. Now she's got long, flowing hair and a little pep in her step that seems to say "I'm a MODERN WOMAN... now what would you like for dinner?" Poor LuAnn seemed positively delighted to have her Rosanna back, but that's probably because she was hoping to squeeze a free meal out of her. The new girl is apparently very unskilled in the kitchen. Maybe that's why LuAnn's daughter flung herself from the roof. According to the Countess, the young Victoria was fooling around on the balcony and somehow fell off, but it's fairly obvious she was merely trying to escape the nasty culinary creations of NORAH, the new "girl." Either that, or she was sick of hearing her mom pretend to be European by osmosis. Both are likely.

Meanwhile, in Kelly land, our favorite daffy model arrived at LuAnn's house with some very serious news that was so important, it had to be shared immediately. Did she have cancer? Had someone died? Was she going to jail? Nope. She was going to be in Playboy. Cool, I guess? I mean, yes, it IS cool, but why the dramatics? Kelly chalked up her histrionics to simply wanting the ladies' approval, but clearly she was just chomping at the bit to brag. How do we know this? Because when Bobby encountered Kelly a little bit later, she all but sent a blimp over the house with the message "I'M GOING TO BE IN PLAYBOY, BOBBY!!" This, of course, unearthed one of the more uncomfortable revelations of the episode: that Bobby has a copy of every single Playboy from the late '60s to 1998 in his mother's basement. I don't think there was a single person at the BBQ, let alone the viewing audience, who wasn't weirded out. Even Kelly seemed to have second thoughts about the photo shoot knowing that someone like Bobby would be eventually ogling her lady parts. Shivers.

One person who probably won't be staring at Playboy is this Jason character. Serving as the boring foil to Bethenny's mania, the guy is something of a snooze-fest. The two shared an interminable scene midway through the show where they discussed moving in together. I nearly fell asleep right then and there. I can only imagine what sort of dreary spin-off show these two are going to have. I doubt I'll be watching. As for Bethenny, she was her usual self all episode. We first saw her having drinks with Ramona, and again she kvetched about her long drive. She then went into babble mode and began chattering away so quickly, even Ramona had to pull back and remark at the sheer volume of words falling out of Bethenny's mouth. Later, at Ramona's barbecue, the subject of Jill inevitably came up, and a friendly woman offered her two cents about the situation, prompting Bethenny to incredulously ask us, "Who the hell are you? The caterer?" Hmmm... maybe that's why Jill has a problem with Bethenny -- her head's gotten so big that she can barely tolerate input from strangers. Listen, when you broadcast your personal problems to an audience of millions, don't be shocked when people chime in with their thoughts. And yes, in case there was any doubt, Bethenny mentioned her book and Skinny Girl merchandise unnecessarily at the barbecue yet again.

As for Jill, her biggest moment of the episode (aside from a humorous attempt to teach AAAAALLLY how to drive) was putting Ramona on speaker phone and asking her to tell Mario to apologize to LuAnn. It was a simple request, but things soon turned downright nasty when Ramona went off on LuAnn, calling her a slut and a bullshitter and two-faced. Mind you, Ramona had no idea that LuAnn was right there, and later, Jill explained that had she known Ramona would go so crazy, she would NEVER have put her on speaker phone. Still doesn't explain why Jill didn't take her OFF speaker phone, but that's neither here nor there. The call only served to exacerbate the tensions between the Countess and Ramona, and when Mario later called with an insincere effort to make amends, Jill and LuAnn immediately interpreted the voicemail as what it was: a message to "bring it on, bitch." Oh, it's already been broughten.

Are we only on episode two?

Bethenny: "I just want you to know that I didn't use your logo, but ONLY because it was awful."

"LuAnn, your breakfast is tiny!"
"Well, I was married to a European; so I naturally have a European appetite."

Kelly: "I have something extremely important to discuss. Kind of a matter of life or death."
"My goodness, Darling! What's wrong?"
"Well--"
"Actually, can it wait a few hours? We're about to eat tacos."

"The nerve of that Alex not to leave the party she was initially invited to in order to honor the spite invitation that WE gave HER!"

"Rosie, will you come back? The new girl doesn't know how to cook, and the only thing Mom can make is sheet cake in the pattern of the European Union flag."

"I'm so fascinated by this cowboy. We don't see many of them where I'm from: a.k.a EUROPE."

Ramona: "Bethenny, I really don't appreciate you sitting next to Mario. That's just rude. It's rude. No, you know what it is? It's classless. Sorry! It's classless. That's what it is. And wow, you're still talking!"

LuAnn: "I can't believe she called me a slut. I mean, to say that at breakfast? Not at breakfast! NEVER AT BREAKFAST!!!"

"I'm boring."

"I'm going to make an awkward situation right now by unnecessarily telling you that I'm leaving this party early to go to LuAnn's."
"That's fine. That's fine."
"Is it?"
"No. You know what that is? It's rude. It's just rude."
"I don't want to be caught in the middle."
"Of course you don't. But those women, they're just rude. No, you know what they are? Classless. They don't have class. They're DÉCLASSÉ!"
"I just want things to be in the open."
"I'm telling you, they have no class. No, you know what? They're tacky. They're TACKY! Sorry! They're tacky! They're tacky."
"I just--"
"No, they're not tacky. They're mean. They are MEAN ladies. Sorry. They're mean. It's what they are. And mean ladies are rude."
"So they're back to being rude?"
"No. They're not rude. They're classless. They don't have class. They think they have class, but guess what? They're DÉCLASSÉ! Sorry. They're déclassé."
"So you're just gonna go on a loop, aren't you?"
"You know what they are? Tacky."

Kelly: "So the big news is... I'm posing for Playboy!"
"You don't have cancer?"
"No. Why would you say that?"
"Well, you said it was important."
"This IS important."
"Listen, bitch. You made me step away from the barbecue. On Labor Day weekend, no less! I mean, not on Labor Day! NEVER ON LABOR DAY!!!"

"Yeah, Alex, don't worry about not being able to make it AT ALL! It's totally fine. Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye, sweetie! [click] That fucking bitch."

LuAnn: "I don't know, I think you kids are handling the whole divorce pretty well, wouldn't you say?"
"Mom, I jumped off the roof of our house."
"That's okay. It was very European of you."

What did you think about the episode? Did Alex and Simon do the right thing?

AND WHATNOT: Terrible '24' Rumors; Also, Betty White Officially Signed To Host 'SNL'!

2010-03-12T10:54:59Z

Boston.com: '24' to end? (noooooooooo!) (anti-thanks IndianJones)
Diana Takes A Bite: The Grilled Cheese Truck: Appallingly delightful
Reality Blurred: Amazing Race 16’s Louie Stravato linked to investigation of cocaine ring
Entertainment Weekly: Betty White To Host 'SNL" in May
Plugged In: Sony's motion controller named 'Playstation Move', priced under $100
New York Times: ‘Mad Men’ Dolls in a Barbie World, but the Cocktails Must Stay Behind (thanks Meeshie!)
NY Post: Woman struck by subway train after jumping on tracks to retrieve purse (extremely unpleasant. Thanks Neil!)
New York Times: A 12-Hour Play, and Endless Bragging Rights

REAL HOUSEWIVES PREVIEW: Countless Accusations

2010-03-12T00:25:29Z

There's another new episode of Real Housewives of New York City on tonight, and if the preview clips are any indication, we'll be in store for more insanity, courtesy of Ramona and LuAnn. As you may remember from last week, the two had a blow-out on a boat after LuAnn expressed displeasure at Ramona's husband calling her "Countless." Well, apparently things haven't been smoothed out because on tonight's episode, Ramona's throwing a Labor Day party that Countess LuAnn doesn't feel comfortable going to. Of course, as goes LuAnn, so goes Jill. In the clip above, watch what happens when Jill calls Ramona to back out of the Labor Day party. It's not pretty (the word "slut" gets tossed around).

After the jump are two more clips. A boring date night with Bethenny and Jason, and then an amusing video of Kelly revealing that she'll be posing for Playboy -- announced with the sort of gravitas normally reserved for health crises and romantic affairs. Keep an eye out for LuAnn's Playgirl cover and better yet, her brief but hilarious explanation about why she's comfortable going topless.

]]>
Bethenny and Jason talk about moving in.

**Kelly makes a Playboy announcement.**

AMERICAN IDOL RECAP: Semifinals From Hell Are Almost Done

2010-03-11T20:07:51Z

I thought I'd switch things up a little this week and write about the boyz and the girlz of American Idol all in one post. Why? Well, because I forgot to write about the girls yesterday. Nevertheless, after enduring a third improved but not necessarily exciting week of semifinals, we are poised to learn who this year's top twelve will be. There seem to be some shoo-ins -- Big Mike, Crystal Bowersox, Casey James. However, there are plenty of bubble performers, and I wouldn't be shocked if we had some surprise eliminations tonight.

]]> One thing's for sure: this season has turned into the sleepiest, most boring, singer-songwriter disaster of all time. Every hour feels like a torturous sixty minutes with a Best Of Starbucks CD, and while there are those that like such things, I personally like a few drum beats here and there. And on the rare occasion that a contestant does something upbeat, it usually is cloaked in such bland adult contemporary trappings that it's hard to get excited about it (ahem, Katelyn Epperly).

I chalk it all up to overly savvy singers. We're now in season nine of this show, and people are getting the hang of how things work. They've studied past performances, and they know the ones that have earned the highest raves -- from Bo Bice to David Archuleta to Adam Lambert to Katharine McPhee -- are the stripped down, quiet, "powerful" arrangements that serve to showcase voice and lyrics over instrumentation and composition. That's why we're getting so many of these Quiet Moments. But here's the problem: in a show full of Quiet Moments, the most memorable performances are now the upbeat ones. Too bad we really don't get any.

Setting the tone for this dreary week of coffeeshop splendor was Katie Stevens, who sang first for the girls Tuesday night. I'll cut right to the chase: she was awful. The girl was nervous and shaky, and even though she certainly has a powerful voice, she wasn't using it to any remarkable effect. Plus, singing "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson was such a blah choice. It's not one of Kelly's best, and it's certainly not terribly current anymore. Why not sing "My Life Would Suck Without You?" or "Already Gone?" I guess it really wouldn't matter what she would have sung because her voice was horrendous anyway. Plus, coming at the top of the show, Katie is easy to forget. Definitely chopping block potential.

Next up was Siobhan Magnus, who made me a superfan last week with her Note of All Notes. Unlike perhaps anyone else who performed this week, I was truly excited to see what Siobhan would spring on us, and her rendition of "House of the Rising Sun" was pretty amazing. Slow and haunting with an a cappella vibe at the beginning, Siobhan succeeded in her Quiet Moment. Even better though was that when the band finally did kick in, the whole thing didn't devolve into a jazzy karaoke mess, as is often the case when Ricky Minor gets going. Definitely one of the best performances of the week.

Also surprisingly successful was Lacey Brown, who finally found her (very, very limited) zone Tuesday night. I've been calling for Lacey's ouster for two weeks now, but even I must admit she was pretty good with whatever country ditty she sang there on the steps. For the first time, her voice actually sounded good, and I could see that she did actually have some talent buried under that mess of hair. I still don't find her particularly memorable, but even though I thoroughly dislike her, I'm always happy to see someone rise from the ashes. Now let's send her home.

Meanwhile, Katelyn Epperly took to the stage and delivered a generic, forgettable, and utterly useless performance of "I Feel The Earth Move" by Carole King. She sounded fine, but the performance had no charisma or personality or style. Yes, it was upbeat, but did Katelyn think that anyone under the age of 55 would connect with it? Why are these kids so afraid of taking on current hits? Why is their first instinct to head straight to the '70s? I wasn't pleased by this turn by Katelyn, but she's done well enough in the past and is pretty; so she'll probably advance to the top twelve where hopefully she can redeem herself.

Speaking of redemption, Didi Benami finally got her act together and delivered a lovely and powerful version of "Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac. This was a marvelous choice of song because let's face it -- after Taylor Swift butchered it at the Grammys, anyone would sound great singing it. It also helped that Didi did actually sound great. Here's a case where a '70s song did work. I'm not sure Didi's singer-songwriter style would make it a hit on the radio, but at least she honed in on the emotion of the song and made a connection, which is really the most essential part of performing. Happily, the judges all gave her rave reviews, with Simon saying the whole song was a "Wow moment" for him. I've been pulling for Didi (despite her annoying tears) for a few weeks now, and I'm delighted that she seems to be on the right path. Of course, should she make it to the Top 12, I full expect her to fall on her face, but hey, that's half the fun, right?

Someone else I was pulling for after last week was Paige Miles, who had delivered a fun, upbeat, and current performance of "Walk Away." I was a big fan of that performance and totally appreciative of her having the guts to sing something with a pulse, but the judges only gave her mix reviews, with Simon telling her she had to find out who she was as a performer. Well, I fear Paige crumbled under the pressure of finding herself this week because her rendition of "Smile" was beyond dreadful. I'm not sure she hit a single note. It was awful. Terrible. Horrendous. A choked up Paige later told us she sang the song because she loved it and perhaps her emotions got in the way of her singing, but if that's the way she sounds flooded with feeling, I think that's a pretty bad sign. I'd say there's a great chance Paige will be going home this week, which kind of sucks because I'd want to see her redeem herself in the Top 12. Go figure that Lacey Brown will probably advance ahead due to one fluke week of good singing while Paige will be dropped for one horrendous misstep. Eh, neither of them could win this thing anyway; so I suppose it's all good.

The one who could win American Idol this season is Crystal Bowersox, and she came on stage and absolutely teared up the Tracy Chapman song "Give Me One Reason." I'll be honest: I really don't love the tune. I mean, it's ooookay, but generally I find it to be boring and repetitive. However, it's sort of an amazing song for Idol in that it can be energized easily and its simple tune allows for singers to really go all over the map with it without really betraying the core melody. And that's just what Crystal did. The woman is truly a natural, and her effortless performance sealed her reputation as the frontrunner for the girls. And let's not forget who also sang "Give Me One Reason" during the semifinals three years ago: Jordin Sparks. It was a turning point performance that suggested that she might be a dark horse contender for the crown, and we all know how that turned out...

Closing out the women was Lilly Scott doing her usual kooky thing, this time with "I Fall To Pieces" by Patsy Cline. It was fine. I liked it. I didn't love it. She'll be going through to the next round anyway; so who cares. For the record though, I'd really like to hear Siobhan take on a Patsy Cline song also.

As for the guys, it was more of the same: stools, solitary spotlights, and strumming guitars. Lee Dewyze started last night's show with his take on "Fireflies," a catchy but totally annoying song (the words "dweebie" and "pussy" come to mind). Like I've said in the past, I really want to like Lee, but the kid just misses too many notes. He's pitchy, dawg! PITCHY! Plus, I haven't really loved any of his song choices yet. He reminds me of a guy who shows up to a fraternity party and sings for the drunken masses (believe me, I've been there, done that -- in terms of being in the drunken masses, not the singing). The judges continued to give him warm praise, and I seriously don't know why they seem to overlook his flaws while they pick at the likes of Todrick and Casey so meticulously.

Nevertheless, our favorite comeback kid Alex Lambert took to the stage next with Ray LaMontagne, and I thought he did a great job. Considering he was a nervous, off-tune deer-in-the-headlights two weeks ago, it's astounding to see his progress. The judges bashed him for not "feeling" the song and being stiff, but I didn't quite agree with them. I thought the emotional resonance was quite fine, and furthermore, his mullet was looking quite dashing this week. I hope Alex sticks around, and I think he probably will. He's very winsome in his humble, about-to-pee-his-pants modesty.

Also on the comeback is Tim Urban, who performed "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley / Leonard Cohen. When Ryan announced Tim would be singing this song, I groaned. It felt like a cheap ploy. The simple truth is that whenever anyone sings this song, it sounds amazing. The tune is so inherently powerful that it's somewhat hard to fail with it, and for that mere reason alone, I rolled my eyes. But guess what -- the ploy worked. Tim's performance was excellent, and he sounded great. Was that the effect of the song, or had he gotten his shit together? Who knows. But the good news for him is that it elicited a hug from Ellen and will probably grant him a spot in the top twelve.

Heading in the opposite direction was Andrew Garcia, who attempted to mimic his "Straight Up" success with an acoustic version of "Genie In A Bottle" by Christina Aguilera. The good news was that this was his best performance since the semifinals began. The bad news was that it still was a touch boring, and the shadow of "Straight Up" still lingers over him. I think with him it's been all the same shtick week in and week out. There doesn't seem to be any versatility or exciting spark behind his performances. I'm not totally convinced he'll make it to the top twelve. He might, but he's very bubble. At the very least, I'm sure he can look forward to someday being featured prominently on the site Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians. Seriously, he looks exactly like this woman down the hall from me who may or may not own a Melissa Etheridge box set (if you know what I'm saying).

Next up was one of my favorites, Casey James. He sang a tender and sweet version of a Tim Urban song, and while the performance was certainly good enough to get to the top twelve, I must agree with Simon who said that in twenty-four hours time, we'll all forget about it. Well let me tell you: it's been less than twenty-four hours, and I have forgotten about it. I just remember that it was nice and pleasant. I'm still on the Casey train though.

I am most certainly NOT, however, on the Aaron Kelly train. In general, I'm usually biased against the prepubescent tween types who come on the show. Kevin Covais, anyone? Aaron is no exception, but I don't dislike him because of his coltish demeanor and bizarre penchant for sticking his arm in the air mid-song. Okay, I do dislike him for that. But I dislike him even more for his warbly, uneven voice. This kid has potential -- for sure -- but he needs about three more years of training. Of course, anyone who heard his horrific version of "I'm Already There" by Lonestar would be shocked to hear the kid even has potential. This was rough, dawg. Very rough. It's bad enough that I hate the song as it is, but then Aaron had to go and miss practically every note. Making matters worse was that he moved around on stage like a video game character; specifically, one of the video game characters featured on the American Idol video game Konami gave me three years ago. If I'm feeling intrepid, I'll do a side-by-side video comparison.

Shockingly, the judges totally glossed over Aaron's awful vocals. They again focused on his potential, admiring that such a big ol' voice could come out of someone so young. First of all, the only thing that came out of him were abominable noises that should never be heard again. Second of all, the kid has no stage presence. Third of all, how many times must we hear Randy announce that a song is one of the greatest of all times or one of his favorites of all time. I suppose that has nothing to do with Aaron, but it's a general comment. Nevertheless, I'd like Aaron to go home, but I think the old ladies, the tween girls, and the church-going Bible Belt folks will keep him around. Prove me wrong, America. Prove me wrong.

Well, after Aaron's Lite-FM showing, I was absolutely thrilled that Todrick Hall came on stage and gave us something energetic and fun. Taking on one of my favorite Queen songs, "Somebody to Love," Todrick was finally on his game. His voice sounded great, the arrangement was unique but not ridiculous, and the entire performance was engaging. In some ways, it was kind of my favorite of the night. Even better was that Randy and Ellen totally raved about it. Kara claimed she didn't know if she should love it or laugh at it (wtf?) but conceded that the vocals were good. Simon gave Todrick mixed notices, saying that he was more of a Broadway singer than a radio singer. It felt a bit stingy to me (especially after Simon had given positive remarks to that awful Aaron Kelly), but at least Simon did allow that the performance was fun and refreshing. Hmmph. Why do I get the awful feeling that Aaron's gonna stay and that Todrick will go home? And for the record, I don't think Todrick is Broadway-sounding. But of course anyone who isn't Freddy Mercury sounds like a theater star when they sing Queen; so go figure.

Last but certainly not least was Big Michael Lynche, who pretty much brought the house down with Maxwell's "This Woman's Work." I thought it was pretty amazing, and he too has solidified his lead as the singer -- both of the men and women -- to beat. However, I didn't think the performance was as stunning as Kara, who literally was in tears next to Simon (who, for the record, is totally leaning into her, not the other way around -- as has been debated). Mike not only has strong vocals, but he knows how to work a stage and a performance in a way that no one else seems to have a grasp of. Maybe it's his theatrical background, or maybe he just feels the emotion (or maybe both), but the other singers could learn a thing or two about charisma from him. My only fear is that he's going to get super cocky on the path to the top; something we've already seen hints of week in and week out. It's still a bit early, but I most certainly have my insufferable-dar out and scanning.

What did you think about the singers this week. Who do you think is going home? Who should go home?

My predictions:

In Danger:
Paige Miles
Katie Stevens
Andrew Garcia
Todrick Hall

On The Bubble:
Lacey Brown
Aaron Kelly

Dark Horse Rejects:
Katelyn Epperly
Casey James
Lee Dewyze
Lilly Scott

KELL ON EARTH PHOTOCAP: Back to New York

2010-03-10T19:32:01Z

After an egregious, abhorrent one week absence, Kell On Earth returned to the airwaves Monday night, and while FUCKING FASHION WEEK is now over, the stress remains high and intense at the offices of People's Revolution. This latest episode focused on the trials and tribulations of Stephanie Skinner, who seemed to be crumbling under the weight of Steph Vorhees' abandoned responsibilities. And let me tell you something: poor Skinner does not take stress well. Her eyes become sunken, her face goes pale, and she more or less looks like death. You know, like Kelly (who amusingly admitted that she is not the most photogenic person in the Western World).

Anyway, as Stephanie tried to take on every task herself, her life was made imminently more difficult by the two-headed beast that is Robily (or Emilyn?). The two senior staff members repeatedly demanded more and more from wee Skinner, who admittedly seems to be fairly unskilled in the delegation and prioritization department. As you can imagine, this led to a one way ticket on the meltdown express, especially after Emily -- the most cutting and nasty of the group -- asked for some much needed reports. Skinner announced that she didn't have them quite ready, and then the next thing we knew, both women were yelling at each other, with Skinner ultimately trotting out of the office to sob in the street. To be fair to Emily, I wouldn't say Stephanie's methods of communication are always the wisest. I get the sense that she's trying to hold her own in this office of power bitches, but her responses to her superiors' questions often come off as defensive and bratty, not self-possessed and confident. It's enough to make a supervisor go batty. Plus, I'm not sure they want to keep hearing about how she's doing the work of umpteen people.

But then again, Stephanie is doing the work of umpteen people, and as far as we can tell, the Andrews are doing nothing but staring at their computers and dreaming about getting laid. Part of me feels like Stephanie doesn't want to delegate her work in an effort to be something of a martyr, and then another part of me wonders if maybe she's just wary of letting someone like Andrew Serrano touch anything vaguely important, lest he spill a bottle of bronzer or lube over an important document.

]]> Speaking of Andrew Serrano, the chirpy assistant had a blind date, and he pulled out all the stops for it: mainly he bought a bottle of lube (well, actually, Kelly got it for him). He also brought out his best A-Game moves when he challenged his poor suitor with a series of awkward word associations. It was bizarre, and I know that if I were ever on a date with someone who did that, I'd be spending the rest of the evening trying to remember each and every word so I could go back and laugh about it with my friends. Amusingly, Kelly and the Other Andrew appeared midway through this romantic evening and totally ambushed the guys, which normally I'd consider to be an awful thing, but considering how this date was going, I'd actually label it as a positive development. Poor Andrew Serrano looked mortified. I bet somebody loaded up on the Atavin that night!

"I just want the McRib to be back!"

Woman: "And you'll see that our designers really put a lot of thought into this piece here."
Emily: "That's great. Where are my wrap reports?"
"Excuse me?"
"The reports. Where are they?"
"I don't work for you."
Robyn: "I need my reports too."
Emily: "But I need my reports more."
Robyn: "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WHEN I ASK FOR A REPORT, I DON'T GET ONE."
Emily: "KELLY, I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS!"

"Okay, let me break it down for you. I'm a power bitch, and this is my fucking fashion show. You know why? I put a lot of work and a lot of time and a lot of heart into getting to where I am, and I'm sorry, but that's the way it goes when it's FUCKING FASHION WEEK!"

"Okay, let'th play some word athothiathon. Tell me what you think about when I thay 'unicorn.'"
Caller: "Um, is Robyn there or not?"

Emily: "Skinner, have you thought about what you want for lunch?"
Stephanie: "No. I'm doing the work of like FIVE people. But okay, fine, yeah, I'll think of lunch. I'll just do it. That's FINE."

"There's a tightrope / between me and this dildo."

Emily: "Hahhaha, great job Skinner! And by 'great job,' I mean you are making me so angry I could RIP THIS DOOR RIGHT OFF ITS HINGES."

**"I... I just can't take this anymore. How could this be Lost's final season?"**

"I guess it works out for the best. After all, I'm watching enough TV for like SEVEN PEOPLE!"

Andrew: "Have I told you about my blind date?"
"No. But... whatever. I'll just do it."
"Huh?"
"I'll just tell myself about your blind date. That's FINE!"

"Okay, guess what everyone? I'm the most important bitch in this company; so when I ask for something to get done, I want it done. Now who took my PONCHO?"

Andrew: "Ohmygosh Kelly. You're totally ruining my chances of getting laid!"
Guy: "Yeah, it wasn't going to happen anyway."

"Computer, where are my reports? Why aren't you answering me? Hello? When I ask for a report, computer, I expect one. How am I supposed to work like this?"

"Listen, computer. Just do ONE task at a time. If you can't give me my reports, then you're never going to make it in this industry. COMPUTER? ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"

Andrew: "You're hot."
Guy: "Thanks dude, but I'm straight. Hey, why's your cleaning lady staring at me?"

"I'd like to order one chopped salad, two iced Americanos, and one hummus wrap. Also, tell the delivery boy that I NEED MY GODDAMN REPORTS!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK LIKE THIS???"

"You know, Emily, when we fight, it's really like fighting with a sister. A sister I HATE."

Ina: "Oh these. THESE are wonderful. They're woven from the hair of two hundred Bolivian children."

Kelly: "I love our relationship. It's so European."
"Well, yeah, I suppose."
"I mean, look at us just sitting here having a EUROPEAN relationship."
"Yup!"
"People must always be like, wow, look at those EUROPEANS and their RELATIONSHIP!"
"Look, Kelly, you're not European."
"Well, guess what? I'm the most important bitch at this table; so when I say I'm European, yeah, that means I'm FUCKING EUROPEAN."
[pause]
Kelly: "Did you like that outburst? It was SO European."

What did you think about this episode? Thoughts on the Skinner vs. Emily battle?

DEAD CELEBRITIES: Corey Haim Edition

2010-03-10T17:44:12Z

Just days after several '80s teen icons were resurrected at the Oscars, one of that era's most famous teen idols has died. Corey Haim passed away at 38 today after struggling for years with addiction and drug abuse. Sad news indeed. Is it bad that my first instinct is to wonder if he'll make it into the Academy's In Memoriam montage? What? It's a current debate! (Farrah Fawcett, anybody??)

Anyway, more information on this tragic turn of events here.

(Thanks to m_ruv for the heads up)

SHILL TOWN: Steph Jones Has A New Video!

2010-03-10T09:44:08Z

Last night, R&B singer Steph Jones hit me up about the new video for his song "La La Means Love." (Yes, that's right. I'm so cool that real life R&B singers contact me. Okay, I'm not that cool. But Steph is cool, and I'm going to bask in his reflected glory). Anyway, Steph asked if I'd help get the word out about this video, and who was I to say no? After all, it's a deceptively catchy tune, and I would be lying if I said it hadn't been stuck in my head for longer than I care to discuss. So if you're an R&B fan (and even if you're not), check out the video. At the very least you'll get to see some funky green screen work. And who doesn't love that??

AND WHATNOT: Lindsay Lohan Might Be A Baby; Also, Moviegoer Gets A Case of Renee-Walker-with-the-Stabbies

2010-03-10T08:54:31Z

Thanks, EdHill

OMG!: Lindsay Lohan Suing E-Trade for Milkaholic "Parody"
Franklin Avenue: Hollywood's Sunset-Vine Tower, One Step Closer to Finally Re-Opening
Great White Snark: Industrious, I Guess: 8-Bit Video Game Wedding Invitation
IvyGate: Dartmouth Prez Respectfully Evokes Memory of Michael Jackson Through Medium of Dance
Perfectly Edible: Adventures in Healthy Cooking
Company Town: Many theaters refuse to book "Hurt Locker" despite Oscar win
LA Now: 'Shutter Island' moviegoer stabbed in neck with meat thermometer after complaining about cellphone call (thanks Sly)
AOL News: Police: Woman Crashes Car While Shaving Bikini Area (thanks IndianJones)

24 RECAP: Mommie Dearest

2010-03-10T00:20:05Z

My friend IndianJones sent me a message last night bemoaning the latest episode of 24. He called it "boring." I think he's on crack. Sure, last night's ep wasn't the most intense installment of all time, but it certainly had me excited, especially with a nifty moment taken right out of The Hurt Locker. I won't say any more in this paragraph, lest DVR viewers haven't gotten around to watching yet, but needless to say, I was pleased with the hour.

]]> First things first: let's give a mighty huzzah to the writers for finally bringing Dana and Cole back to CTU. It took about three or four episodes, but the two wayward characters seem to finally be back in the fold. OR ARE THEY? Okay, Cole looks like he's back in the the thick of things as he led a surprisingly speedy Fetch-Mare-Winningham expedition in Harlem. Dana, however, has more silly problems on her hands. You see, a bizarrely intrepid parole officer (played by veteran character actor Stephen Root, a.k.a. Milton from Office Space) has come a-callin' for Dana, wondering where that scumbag ex of hers has gone off to. Turns out Kevin had made several calls to her from a motel phone, which of course is what led the parole officer Dana's way. Uh oh. Here we go again. Mr. Parole Officer requested a private moment with Dana, but having just been scolded by Hastings, it didn't seem like this was a terribly wise idea. Nevertheless, she agreed because Mr. Parole Officer threatened to speak to her supervisor. We don't know how this will play out, but odds are it will be ridiculous. Lesson to Dana: start screening your calls, bitch.

And so it appears Dana will be off on some other stupid adventure next week, which is too bad since once again, it looked like we'd be in for some fun friction with Chloe. You see, Hastings happily demoted Dana and put Chloe in charge, which was fun for about thirty seconds until Chloe uncharacteristically marched up to her new underling and told her to keep her head high. What the? Since when does Chloe dispense with friendly advice to new people who aren't doing their job properly?

Meanwhile, Dana's brief return to relevance meant that poor Renee Walker and President Taylor got the shaft this episode. Neither woman was seen this hour, which is fine. The Prez was probably getting a much-needed power nap, and Renee, well, she was probably out Renee Walkering some bum with a steak knife. Getting significantly more screen time were the ladies in Hassan's life: Kayla and Dalia. Reunited with her husband after a brief interlude, Dalia was not pleased with Omar. Not pleased at all! She unloaded on him with a tearful, angry speech that proved that actress Necar Zadegan is certainly one to watch. It turns out that Dalia was rather peeved that their daughter Kayla was missing. Where could she be? Enjoying some late night falafel? Perusing a twenty-four hour pantsuit boutique? Or merely boinking Omar's head of security Tarin. If you guessed the latter option, you'd be right. The two lovahs were rolling around in the sheets, providing some always welcomed eye-candy for all the boys and girls watching the show. They were so swept up in passion that horny little Kayla refused to answer the phone, even when Mother called for the umpteenth time.

Now what did I say last week? Sex on 24 is about as bad an omen as it is in a horror movie. And I should add that sex in a hotel room is even worse. Going back to season one when that random Palmer staffer went berserk and totally Renee Walkered a witness after having slept with him, the hotel room tryst has long been a sign of imminent death. But who would be slain this time? Kayla or Tarin? Well, it looks like little K might be in the hot seat. Turns out Tarin is kiiiiiiind of a bad guy. This wasn't a great surprise -- at least to my father and I, who agreed on the phone last week that the only reason why this lovestory would even be on the show would be if Tarin turned out to be evil. Aren't we just so smart? Yes, news broke of Tarin's duplicity when Jack cornered the Bambi of suicide bombers, Marcos. The wide-eyed terrorist from last week had managed to re-arm his bomb vest, but thanks to some manipulative use of Mare Winningham (the best kind of use for her, in my book), Jack was able to get Marcos to surrender. One problem though: the bad guys were totally spying, and when they saw Marcos step out of the oxygen chamber he had barricaded himself into, they triggered a fail-safe mechanism that caused a 60 second countdown to BOOM. Jack tried to stymie the bomb, but there wasn't enough time. He pleaded for Marcos to give him a name, and while I clutched my pillow, Marcos revealed that it was Tarin who was behind all this nefarious activity. Two seconds later, Jack pushed the kid back into the chamber, and KA-BOOM! Marcos was now nothing more than several bloody splatters in the annals of 24 day players.

Now's not a great time for a cat nap, Jack.

I was pretty bummed by this turn of events, but not because I had any real affinity towards Marcos. I just wanted to see more Mare Winningham. Maybe, if we're lucky, the producers will find other ways to bring the cast of St. Elmo's Fire onto the show. Rob Lowe? He'd be perfect as an FBI type. Ally Sheedy? I'm sure there's a place for some crazy cat lady. Andie MacDowell? Michelle Desler's long lost sister! Demi Moore? Well, clearly she should be the Big White Villain in the second half of the season (maybe she can even share co-villain duties with Andrew McCarthy. I'm just thinking out loud here). As for Emilio Estevez... well, clearly he has to be Jack's boyhood friend. I'd suggest a Young Guns reunion too, but sadly Lou Diamond Phillips got offed all the way back in season one. Those are the breaks.

Anyway, now that Tarin has been revealed to be a bad guy after all, Omar can totally give his wife a major "I'm not gonna say I told you so, buuuuuuuuut..." She still does have some upperhand though, mostly because she actually managed to get through to Kayla. While Tarin was in the shower, Dalia rang her daughter again, and this time, the sweaty girl answered the phone. Dalia revealed all and managed to extract an address from her daughter, but of course, we all know it will take CTU way too long to get there. Never mind that they can travel from outside Manhattan to Harlem in about five minutes time, when it comes to going someplace useful, they're suddenly the slowest squad in town. It's too bad because Kayla's stalling skills leave something to be desired. She's not the worst ever -- and her willingness to slut it up with another round in bed was totally admirable -- but clearly her excuse for hiding away in the bathroom needed work. Kayla muttered something about cleaning up, but it was unconvincing. Tarin will totally be on to her. If she were smart, she'd say something like "Oh man, I gotta take a dump" or "That Au Bon Pain in the UN lobby totally is giving me diarrhea. You do NOT want to see this!" I guarantee that would have worked in a heartbeat.

But alas, Kayla said no such thing, which means that based on next week's previews, she may or may not wind up beheaded by the hour's end. What did you think about this episode? Do you think Kayla will survive the Tarin attack?

Andy Richter Talks About Conan, Jay, and NBC

2010-03-09T20:33:46Z

Coco-gate may have settled down lately, but the emotions are still pretty raw. This morning, Andy Richter filled in for Regis on Live with Regis and Kelly, and for the first time, he discussed the entire experience, offering some refreshingly candid -- if perhaps a bit guarded (if that makes sense) -- remarks about the brouhaha. Check it out above.

Via The Wrap

REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: 'New York' Ladies Are Back, and Bitchier Than Ever!

2010-03-09T19:52:50Z

After last Thursday's epic, jaw-dropping season finale of Real Housewives of Orange County, I thought nothing could stun me more that evening. However, the good people at Bravo weren't done assaulting me with petty arguments and passive-aggressive quips (a.k.a. my favorite types of entertainment). Along came the season premiere of The Real Housewives of New York City, and it was chock full of so many simmering tensions, I thought I might just pass out from over stimulation.

Things are not well between these women. Ramona and LuAnn have a beef. LuAnn and Bethenny have a beef. And Bethenny and Jill have a beef. Yes, there's a whole lot of beef going on between these women, and none of it seems like it'll be resolved anytime soon. The big news is that Bethenny and Jill (Bethennill) seem to be officially on the outs, and based on their strong-willed personalities, I don't see any resolution coming anytime soon. The details on the falling-out are hazy, but according to Jill, Bethenny got a bit too big for her britches, with the final insult being that she told Jill to "get a hobby." Oh, the words -- they hurt! THEY HURT! First of all, I believe Jill has a hobby (selling FAAABRIC with BAAAWWWBY and BRAAAAD). Second of all, it's so wraaawng that Jill doesn't have a hobby? So she doesn't have a hobby. FEH! It's a free country! May you have your health and your happiness and a few Barbara Streisand CDs to get you through the tough times. L'chaiyim.

]]> Anyway, according to Bethenny, Jill became very needy and domineering, wanting to be invited along to every single thing all the time. This was too much for Bethenny to deal with, and so she ultimately dropped the H-Bomb (a.k.a. the Hobby Bomb), and as we all know, it's been a Cold War ever since. So who's at fault? Well, I wouldn't be shocked if there's truth to both sides of the story. I have heard rumors from NY insiders that Jill is kind of a monster (but a LOVABLE monster) when it comes to things like getting free stuff and party invites. Nothing is corroborated though; so that info could be highly suspect.

Bethenny, meanwhile, has become a bit obnoxious over the past year. Look, I still think she's funny, and I still like her, but as someone who follows her on Twitter and is a Facebook "friend," I can say that she's pretty much all about self-promotion all the time. That, of course, is her right, and why not use these social networking tools to advance her career? But there's a line when self-promotion goes from entrepreneurial to all out insufferable (by the way, follow me on Twitter!!!). And if anyone saw any of the pre-show press for this season, they wouldn't have been able to make it thirty seconds without Bethenny shamelessly shilling her books and margaritas and various enterprises. Hence, I couldn't help but groan when Bethenny showed up in the Hamptons in a little Skinny Girl bug, and furthermore, I couldn't help but chuckle when Kelly -- KELLY -- made a sarcastic remark about how Bethenny created the margarita.

Plus adding insult to injury is that Bethenny never visited BAWWWBY in the hospital when he had CAAAAAANCER (major friendship foul), and when Countess LuAnn was getting divorced, Bethenny merely sent a gift basket and not a much yearned-for hug (a lesser friendship foul, but a foul nonetheless). All this circumstantial evidence seems to suggest that in this Feud of the Century, Bethenny may have been the greater irritant of the two irritants involved. Phew! Glad we settled that.

Anyway, I'm hoping that I can maintain Bethenny as one of my favorite housewives, but I fear that the tables are going to turn on her. I can already sense that Kelly is getting a better edit this time around, and I swear, if I emerge from this season being pro-Kelly and anti-Bethenny (something I'm not promising won't happen), I might be a bit confused -- not just about the show, but perhaps the universe in general.

I'll tell you, Bethenny isn't doing herself any favors on the likability front. Watching her banter with her new boyfriend Jason is a bit boring, and her whole fight with LuAnn -- well, that was just a mess. Here's the back story: last season, as you may remember, the girls all went surfing one afternoon. LuAnn never paid, and Bethenny bitched that she was the poorest of the group but always had to pay. Well, this did not please Countess LuAnn, who has a reputation for Classiness to maintain. The two agreed to meet for drinks in the Hamptons near LuAnn's house, and after stepping out of her aforementioned SkinnyGirlmobile, Bethenny stomped into a local bar with a sourpuss on her face not seen since she first got stuck sitting next to Kelly at Fashion Week. This was gonna go badly.

Seconds later, Bethenny was already making snide remarks about how she'd just driven two frickin' hours to get there, making this much more inconvenient for her than LuAnn. I could understand her frustration, but seriously, who was the idiot who agreed to such a lopsided plan? Either say no, or don't bitch.

Well, Bethenny's attitude set the tone for what turned into a tense, bitter, bitch session, and surely LuAnn didn't help matters with her indirect, blazingly passive-aggressive grudge-fest. The Countess got the ball rolling by asking if Bethenny would be paying for the drinks since Bethenny had invited her for cocktails. This was already such an awkward and -- ALARM! ALARM! -- not classy remark that I couldn't help but cringe. Making matters worse was that on the receiving end of this awfulness was Bethenny, who is already prone to being over-sensitive when she's in a good mood, not to mention when she's in RAGING-BITCH-WITH-A-BOOK-TO-SHILL mode.

Turns out the whole reason why LuAnn asked this bizarre question was because she had thought Bethenny had invited her to go surfing and thus would be picking up the bill. It was a bit of an odd assumption (and even if it were the case, wouldn't the CLASSY thing have been to at least go through the motions of pretending to pay Bethenny so she could say "No, no, it's on me!"). LuAnn's true beef, however, was that Bethenny had then gone and made "snarky comments" about her behind her back, which is a valid concern... for a normal person who's NOT on national television. Let's be honest -- LuAnn talks just as much crap as all the rest of the women. That's why she's on TV. If she didn't want to hear what people said behind her back, she probably should have left the show.

Nevertheless, we can all agree that perhaps the classy way for Countess LuAnn to engage in the dialogue would have been to calmly state, "Listen, Bethenny. When you accused me of stiffing you with surfing, that's because I was under the impression that you were hosting it. I'm sorry there was a misunderstanding, and in the future, I'd prefer it if you didn't talk so much shit behind my back." This would have been much more effective than the convoluted and condescending crap LuAnn spewed out instead. Because of her decidedly uncouth approach, Bethenny went into a tizzy, and soon the women were truly going at it, bickering like two ninnies -- something that I'm sure was quite horrifying for anyone nearby. After all, who fights like that in the Hamptons? NEVER IN THE HAMPTONS!

Eventually though, LuAnn clearly had had enough of this; so she raised a glass and declared "TRUCE." Well, that's effective. Unsurprisingly, Bethenny balked at this sudden gesture, and after another outburst of bickering and venting, the women did eventually hug it out, even if Bethenny was still harboring some serious misgivings deep down inside.

I wouldn't say that conflict management has been LuAnn's strong point thus far this season. Before the Bethenny blow-out, LuAnn had a marvelous tiff with Ramona on a boat. Our favorite crazy blonde had invited a bunch of her gal pals onto a yacht for the afternoon, and while everything seemed fine at first (save for some gauche jewelry advertising -- much to Jill's chagrin), things went south very quickly. LuAnn casually mentioned to Ramona that Mario had called her "COUNTLESS" (or was it "COUNT-LESS"), and even though Ramona said she'd prefer not to talk about it on the boat, LuAnn pressed forth. Probably not a smart idea (a classsssy person knows the proper time and place for all confrontations), but nevertheless Ramona soon freaked out, yelling at LuAnn about being classless and rude. Sadly, Ramona did not use her favorite word, "déclassé!!!", but she did throw everything back in LuAnn's face, saying "You're not following your own rules, LUANN!!" Of course, neither was Ramona, who simply should have said, "I wasn't aware. I'l talk to Mario about it."

Ultimately, Ramona fled to another part of the vessel where she cried and bemoaned LuAnn ruining this seafaring adventure. How could she bring that up on the boat? I mean, not on the boat!!! NEVER ON THE BOAT!!!

But since this is Ramona we're talking about, the swinging pendulum of her emotions soon reversed its course, and she was laughing and happy and doing tequila shots with the best of them. Go figure. Looks like we're in store for a great season....

Alex: "Ramona, do you mind? This is the first time in three seasons that my hair hasn't looked stringy and unkempt. You're kiiiind of ruining it."

"I don't know why people are so mean to me. They're just mean. They're MEAN girls! And I'll tell you what else it is. It's DÉCLASSÉ!!! It's not right! I'm going through renewal DAMMIT!"

"Now where the hell is LuAnn? I LOVE HER!!!"

"LuAnn, LuAnn, LuAnn... Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. STOP. You're Robin, and I'm Batman. Which is my way of saying, you're here, and I'm HERE."
LuAnn: "I don't understand a word that you're saying. But you're paying for lunch, right?"

"Cheers. To being boring."

"Are you inviting me to have this tequila? Or must I pay for it?"

"There's a tightrope / between me and the Hamptons."

"Damn, you got crazy, Bethenny."

"Hey Jill Zarin, take a look at THESE, you BITCH!"

LuAnn: "Truce?"
Bethenny: "Sure (fuckin' bitch)."

Ramona: "Jill, you look wonderful!"
Jill: "Thank you. I wanted a dress with the feel of the Hamptons and the look of a Ben & Jerry's container."

"No, I've had enough. This isn't right. I'm trying to be renewed, and you're not being classy, LuAnn. And you know what they say about people who aren't classy? They're called DÉCLASSÉ!!! And that's what you are! Déclassé! I'm not putting up with it. RENEWAL!!!"

Bethenny: "I hope you realize I just drove two hours in my Skinny Girl car, which is meant to promote my Skinny Girl line of products, which you may have heard about as the Skinny Girl products are now some of the most popular on the market. Furthermore: Skinny Girl, Skinny Girl, Skinny Girl. Me me me."
"Are you buying me a drink or what?"

LuAnn: "All I'm saying is that I think you should buy me dinner now."
Bethenny: "I am literally counting the seconds before I can get out of here."
"Counting? COUNTING? How DARE you conjugate 'count' like that. Not at this time of my life; not with all I'm going through; and certainly NOT within a hundred mile radius of the Cancer Society. NEVER WITHIN A HUNDRED MILE RADIUS OF THE CANCER SOCIETY!"

What did you think about the premiere? Do you feel things are shifting? And who would you blame -- based on the evidence -- for the Jill/Bethenny falling out?

AND WHATNOT: Betty White Will Host 'SNL'; Also, Talking With Our Dear Friend Gail Simmons

2010-03-09T08:52:57Z

Movieline: Betty White Finally Confirms Saturday Night Live Gig
New York Magazine: Gail Simmons’s Mortal Enemy Is Chef Boyardee (thanks jash!)
ESPN: As expected, Jones, Strickland released
Sinosoul: LA Weekly’s 99 Must Eat List is Not a Must Read. (meeee-OWWW!)
Alt Film Guide:
MUSIC BY PRUDENCE: The Roger Ross Williams-Elinor Burkett Oscar Speech Duel-Duet
E! Online: Academy Refuses to Apologize for Farrah Fawcett Snub (thanks Jenny!)
TMZ: Oscars 'Kanye' Victim Gets Second Chance (thanks Jenny again!)
SFist: "I'm Gay," Says Sen. Roy Ashburn (thanks IndianJones)
The PPJ Gazette: Canada On The Verge Of Approving Enviropigs -creating human/animal hybrid creatures (thanks Meeshie!)

ADVENTURES IN DOMESTICITY: Ina Garten's Banana Sour Cream Pancakes Edition

2010-03-09T01:53:48Z

Apologies for the dearth of updates on the blog today. I spent a decent portion of the day working out my taxes, which is never a particularly fun experience. The good news is that I'm done (for now), which means I can turn my attention back here. As avid readers of this blog may remember, about two weeks ago, I attempted my first ever batch of flapjacks. The result was very promising, and I was happy to have finally conquered such a basic breakfast staple.

My friend Andrea, however, was beside herself with frustration. She insisted that when it came to pancakes, there were Ina Garten's Banana Sour Cream variety... and then everything else. Over the course of many emails and Facebook posts (often written in all caps), Andrea declared that Ina's griddle creations were the end all and be all of pancakes and that I was simply wasting my time with these namby pamby other recipes. Normally I'd just nod politely -- after all, a pancake is a pancake. Some are better than others, but can one recipe be so head and shoulders above the rest that it inspires rabid loyalty? Well, apparently yes. I trust Andrea's tastes, and furthermore, I trust Ina Garten's recipes. Therefore, I stocked up on bananas and sour cream and assembled the batter.

Results after the jump.

]]> First, I should disclose some vital details. When I first made these pancakes, it was morning time, and I was ravenous. I had no patience to take pictures. I whipped up the batter in about five or ten minutes time and then cooked up two pancakes without incident or documentation. I then reserved the rest of the batter and tossed it in the fridge, the intention being that I'd call upon it again for breakfast on Saturday or Sunday. Well, I didn't make them Saturday morning, and then that night, my friend Lisa came over to tape a podcast with me (that's right, this blog is inching ever closer to greater multimedia experiences). As luck would have it, Lisa and I bantered for so long that suddenly it was nearly ten o'clock, and neither of us had eaten dinner yet. That's when we came upon my pancake batter. At that moment, nothing sounded better than fresh pancakes, and even better, Lisa announced that she was a pancake aficionado and had been making them since she was five. It was all too perfect. And besides, the hard part -- making the batter -- was already done! We just had to ladle and cook. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Saturday night pancakes were AWN.

Before we could do anything, however, we needed to do some light prep work. Here I am peeling a banana.

Yes, I'm fairly certain Lisa was snickering when she took this photo.

The dicing process requires steady hands and a stolid constitution.

I could quietly hear Ina's voice saying "Be sure to use GOOD bananas." I could also imagine her adding, "If you can grow a banana tree in your backyard and harvest the bananas on your own every week, that's great. But store bought is fine too."

Banana, diced. We also contemplated throwing chocolate chips into the mix, but ultimately we decided against it. It would be best to enjoy the perfection of Ina's recipe as is.

Me sneaking a few banana chunks. Quality control, clearly. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU'LL GET A BAD BANANA.

Time to get cooking.

A lonesome pat of butter in the skillet.

I am ready with the ladle.

Butter has melted.

For this batch, I actually hand ladling duties over to Lisa as she is the expert with these things.

Here we go!

We have contact.

As the batter is very thick, Lisa uses the ladle to gently spread out the nascent pancake into a wide circle.

Meanwhile, I dash in and swiftly place the banana chunks onto the flapjacks.

The pancakes, cooking away.

Yes, these smelled amazing.

Upon flipping, we discovered that they didn't necessarily brown evenly, but that's okay. We really didn't care.

A few minutes later we flipped again and giggled with delight as we saw some nice caramelization on some of the bananas.

Soon it's time for these bad boys to leave the pan.

Now it's my turn to ladle. It's not a pretty experience.

Here I am scooping out the last of the batter. Sadness.

And the results. Note the strange heart-shaped pancake on top. That was one of mine. Also, these look way more burned in the photo than they were in real life. Fear not. They were fine.

The other two.

Macro shot! (courtesy of Lisa)

One last pancake ready to go.

Of course, what to drink with this breakfast-for-dinner meal? I opted for chocolate milk (which Lisa so politely made for me).

Lisa profiles the racial harmony of our beverages. Once again, she manages to frame some vaguely phallic imagery.

Pancakes are served!

I can't even begin to tell you how excited we were...

THE VERDICT: Andrea was right. These pancakes were amazing! Not only were they fluffier and richer than the typical recipe, but they just had a touch more flavor to them too. I suppose with sour cream and lemon zest (never mind the bananas), they were sure to have -- as Ina likes to point out -- a REAL DEPTH OF FLAVOR. I'm never going back to the old method (unless I'm truly in a pinch). These pancakes were perfect.

For the record, Lisa concurred that they were amazing.

Also for the record, we got so caught up in pancake making that we never taped the podcast. Soon though...

To make your own batch of Ina's Banana Sour Cream pancakes, check out the recipe here.

OC HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: All Good Things Come To An End

2010-03-06T01:36:17Z

Raise your hand if your mind was totally blown by this most magnificent Real Housewives of Orange County finale? It was a spectacular hour of passive aggression and tears, thanks in part to free flowing booze but also the boorish behavior of some of the males on this show. I just knew we were in for something special when the episode began with all the women preparing for the traditional bash that comes at the end of the season. Usually it takes about forty minutes before we arrive at such events, but with Tamra and Simon teetering on the edge of divorce on the limo ride over to the St. Regis, the producers wisely decided to cut to the action.

The result was the most riveting season finale in the franchise since the famous "Last Supper" of New Jersey (very little can top that). The whole cast was a mess. Vicki and Alexis were trading snippy remarks behind each other's backs, Lynne's daughter were drunk and screaming, Gretchen was incurring the wrath of all the other women with her bizarre his-and-hers pseudo marriage outfits with Slade, and Tamra... well... when she wasn't flinging passive-aggressive barbs Simon's way, she was bawling into the arms of Vicki. And this wasn't a "Hahaha, bitch got hers!" cry. It was a sad, scary, and fascinating display. As awful as Tamra's been in the past, it's never enjoyable watching someone's marriage fall apart. However, that's exactly what we've witnessed over the past season, and with each sniveling remark or controlling request by Simon, the entire situation just gets more disturbing. Let's put it out there: Simon's a Grade A creep. I know, I know -- this is not a bombshell revelation. Still though, he's absurdly manipulative and emotionally abusive, and honestly, I did believe that Tamra was truly afraid of him. Watching the way she clammed up when Simon appeared at her side truly gave me the chills.

The good news is that Tamra wasn't a total wallflower. She did get a few spicy digs in at her soon-to-be ex-husband, including one that went something along the lines of "Well, maybe if you were working and we had some MONEY, we wouldn't be in this situation!" Of course, this begs the question of what kind of marriage is this that can't survive financial insecurity? Clearly one built on the wrong things. My pop psychologist inclinations would be to surmise that he married her for the looks, and she married him for the money. And now they're losing both. Oops.

]]> The whole downfall of Tamra and Simon really personifies the overall theme to this season: descent. All of these women just seem to be falling apart, and what was once silly, escapist fun has now really turned into an interesting sociological study. Throw in some vexing questions about the role of the cameras in all this, and it all becomes quite postmodern: are these people's falling apart because of the show? Or is there a show because they're falling apart?

Or something like that. My friend jash and I have been lightly musing on it over text the past few hours, and we both agree there's a great academic dissertation to be had. I will not be writing it though. That's because I'm still too distracted by the other hilarious stuff from last night's finale, including Alexis and Jim, who provided their usual supply of witless behavior. To be fair, neither of them said anything too ridiculous, but maybe that's because they let their outfits do the talking. Alexis wore her usual wispy, flowing frock that made her look like she'd stood under a giant chute and waited for fabric to just fall on her. Jim, meanwhile, had some ill-advised vested pinstripe number on that seemed to be a vague attempt at honing his inner Justin Timberlake. The whole thing looked ridiculous and clearly solidified his status as a poster boy for the midlife crisis. Lastly, there was Alexis's mom, who seems like a lovely woman, but for reasons unknown to many, she showed up to the soirée looking like she was Trent Reznor's biggest fan. The woman had slathered goth makeup all over her new face, causing such a distraction in my mind that I couldn't even appreciate the various nips and tucks we'd seen her just endure.

Looking a tad bit better was Gretchen, who normally dresses well, but her outfit this time around was a surefire miss. Maybe it was the presence of Slade, who we can't forget showed up at a summer-ending BBQ back in season two with the sort of trollop that might get Tiger Woods in a tizzy. He certainly has a negative effect on women -- on account of his thorough douchiness -- and even Laurie (making a surprise return) had to pull Gretchen aside and give her a Seth & Amy-esque "Really!?!?!" talk. And yet despite piles of evidence from the vaults of Bravo (not to mention the testimony of half the women on the cast), Gretchen still thinks Slade is the Bees Knees. We'll see how that works out...

I suppose though that there's hope for Slade changing. After all, if Vicki could do it, so can he. Yes, the frenzied blonde mama hen of the series managed to salvage her reputation after last season portrayed her as an evil, psycho bitch. This time around, she became the unsung hero -- even if she was still prone to irrational attacks. I'm glad she's back on track, but I'm even gladder that she's not above snide remarks such as when one person told her that Alexis needed a nose job and she replied, "She needs a personality job." CLASSIC.

Of course, Vicki still has her manipulative ways, such as when after insisting that she never ever told Tamra what to do, she then asserted repeatedly that Tamra should get out of her marriage. That's the Vicki we know and love. And hey, props to Donn for dragging her away from what surely would have been a fiery encounter with Simon. Actually, come to think of it... ANTI-props to Donn. How could he deprive us like that?

Meanwhile, parents of the year Lynne and Frank continued to walk around with their heads up their own asses when they arrived at the party with both their girls totally wasted. Lynne explained that she didn't realize her daughters were getting drunk because they were allll the way on the other end of the limo, and it was a big limo. Of the feeble excuses Lynne has offered up this season -- and there have been many -- this may have been one of the most cockamamy. Later, when Alexa had one of her patented meltdowns, Lynne served up another parenting FAIL when she attempted to be Alexa's best friend instead of telling her to shut the hell up and behave.

Luckily, Jeana and her daughter Kara were there to fix the situation. Kara gave Alexa a good pep talk -- the type that might qualify Kara to be a Youthologist in her own right. Jeana, meanwhile, spent most of the party ambling from one group to another, dropping passive-aggressive bombshells on each cluster of people with the casual grace of a concert pianist. Or perhaps cellist. Yes, I think it's safe to say that Jeana Keough is the Yo Yo Ma of passive aggression. Heck, she even zapped her asshole son Shane, saying that with age comes the ability to be tolerant. "How do you think I learned to tolerate YOU?" she asked with a self-satisfied chuckle. Aw, Jeana. I miss you so.

Anyway, on to the pics...

"Help me! I'm stuck in a douche trap!"

"Did you hear what Vicki said about me? That I need a personality job? You know, I am a very open, God-fearing woman, and I accept all people IRREGARDLESS of their flaws, but I thought that was kind of rude!"
"You're still not hotter than me."
"Excuse me."
"I'M THE HOT HOUSEWIFE, DAMMIT!"

Slade: "I'm so glad we dressed like we're from 1997."
"I love you."
"And I love your fame."

"What a great party! I do wonder though if they'll be passing out MONEY."

"I was under the impression that there'd be pigs in a blanket being served. Except instead of pigs, it would just be MONEY."

"Do you all like my dress? It's made entirely of MONEY. I dyed it orange by soaking it in a vat of Monopoly MONEY, which, for the record, is not as valuable as real MONEY, which I have."

"But Gretchen, don't you see? Slade is such a DOUCHE!"
"I know! It's great, right?"

Alexis: "Jim says I'm not supposed to laugh in the presence of men, but Michael, I can't help it. The Devil made me do it! What's surf and turf?"

Jeana: "So I hear you're loving your new job."
"Yeah, it's great. I really feel focused for the first time ever."
"Well, you'll probably get laid off; so enjoy it while it lasts! Hahahahaha!"

Alexis: "Oooh, Jim. You're so sexy when you wear strange clothing in an attempt to be young and hip, which you clearly aren't."

Lynne: "And here's my drunkard daughter Alexa."
Alex: "Mom! How could you say that? I'm so over it! I just want our family back."
Jeana: "WELL LET ME TELL YOU, it's all downhill from here. So just get lit and have fun while you can because you only got two or three more years before you're out of your prime."
"Uh, thanks?"

Quinn: "Do you like my new haircut? I call it an extended Joyce DeWitt."

Quinn: "I suppose you could say my new look just sort of evolved from what it was; although, I don't really believe in evolution... so I guess God just did this to me!"
Jeana: "Who are you again?"

"Hi. We have sun damage."

The founding members of the Marla Maples Appreciation Society.

"Wow, I feel like I'm in the middle of a surf and turf special. And, of course, as we all know, surf and turf is the classic pairing of bok choy with cantaloupe."

Simon: "I'm not going to sit here and let Tamra accuse me of being controlling. I am the most supportive, kind-hearted, easy-going husband there is. Now where the HELL is that bitch? I told her she can only stray from my side for thirty seconds at a time."

Alexis: "This isn't a dress. I actually got tangled in the draperies and couldn't get out."

Ashley: "How funny is it that you work for your MOM now, Michael? Hahahahahaha."
"And what do you do?"
"I... exist."

What did you think about the season finale? Thoughts on the season? Thoughts on Simon and Tamra?