Recently in Awful People Category

Feeling desperate? Suffer from blindness? Deafness? Lacking any senses in particular? Well, if you have a few extra bucks, this might be just what you need to spice up your life: a date with American Idol's Constantine Maroulis, the living incarnation of baklava (and just as sticky!). It's an opportunity too wonderful/smarmy to pass up! Just imagine yourself at dinner, staring into those beady little eyes of his, two dreamy bags puffing out underneath like magnificent pillows of gorgeousness. He runs his hand through his greasy, unwashed hair and then caresses your face, leaving an oily smear of grandeur along your cheek. While you reach for your napkin, you notice his shirt is unbuttoned to the navel, revealing a hirsute series of flab rolls piled atop each other like a werewolf version of the Michelin Man. It's damn near impossible to look away from this hairy ode to jiggles, but then there's that smile. That beautiful, mousy smile. Who needs an upper lip when you've got a chin that resembles a perfectly sculpted anus? He has the total package.

And all you have to do is pay over $2,000 for the experience. Yes, this dream date is being auctioned off as part of the charity fundraiser (emphasis on charity), Rock Against Diabetes. The winner will get to accompany Constantine to the event, which will be hosted by -- you guessed it -- Dick Donato (a.k.a. Evel Dick of Big Brother 8). Constantine and Dick on the same date? And you out $2,000? Sounds like the best night ever!

If for some reason this sounds appetizing to you, then a) you may be suffering from a brain tumor, and b) feel free to get more information here. My suggestion: donate to the cause, forgo the douchebag has-beens.

• Date with Constantine Maroulis currently being auctioned for $2,000 [Reality Blurred]

Living in West Hollywood, my neighborhood is routinely patrolled by parking enforcement officers, who quietly stalk their prey from the comfort of their white, eco-friendly Priuses — waiting for that orgasmic moment when they can slap a ticket down on a permit-lacking vehicle and tow it away. Their Orwellian presence rivals a godlike power to be everywhere and nowhere all at once, and should you find yourself on the wrong side of their unflinching Maglites, you'll soon be treated to a stiff fine and a towing charge. It's because of this that residents and visitors alike tend to view parking enforcement with a measure of disdain. Like an army of money-eating pests, they never go away, and sooner or later, they get you.

Occasionally though, my friends and I find ourselves siding with parking enforcement. While I'd like to think that no one deserves the hassle of being towed away, truth is that it's also perversely glorious watching the bridge-and-tunnel folk descend on the nearby Sunset Strip and try to park in front of our apartment building, arrogantly thinking they can park their dumb car just ANYWHERE without checking the signs first. Trust me when I say it never gets old watching these people's stunned reactions upon return to the empty spot that used to hold their car. Just this past weekend, my friends and I enjoyed the sight (from our balcony) of one shirtless, long-haired, drunken fool stumbling up and down the street, bemoaning the sad fate that had befallen his now-missing car. "Duuuuude, I got towed!!!" he lamented to no one in particular, his long frizzy hair flowing in all directions like Troy Polamalu after a roller coaster ride. This continued for a few minutes until his buddy picked him up and ferreted him off to who knows where — hopefully Supercuts. This cruel turn of events was nothing short of hilarious for us as we watched yet another douchebag fall victim to The System. Of course, he was probably too drunk to drive anyway; so the towing was good in many ways.

Still, watching one idiot get his just desserts is never enough. We always want more; so imagine our thrill when moments after the drunken troll doll departed, two new teenage douchebags pulled up and parked their red mustang without even checking the parking rules. Surely parking enforcement would have their way with them...

Go around.

Okay, this just happened outside my window, and thankfully, my camera was nearby; so I could document all the idiocy on display. I was up here in my room, typing away on my next Hills recap when suddenly, I heard the blaring sound of a car horn. Now, I don't mind car horns per se, but this guy was pressing onto the horn for a good five or six seconds. Being the ever curious (read: nosy) neighbor that I am, I immediately pressed my face up against my window to see what was going on.

Well, this driver was apparently honking at a garbage truck. As you can see in the picture, the truck was just doing its thing, parked with its hazards on while the sanitation workers scurried into the adjacent building to pull out its dumpster. No one likes being stuck behind a garbage truck — I get that — but was honking necessary? These guys were just doing their job, and even more importantly, THERE WAS PLENTY OF SPACE TO GO AROUND THE TRUCK. There was not a single other car in the area, and as you can see from the picture, the truck was hardly blocking the entire road. But rather than do the obvious and easy thing, this driver instead decided to lay on the horn AGAIN. Seriously? Seriously?

I really wanted to yell, "Just go around!!" but I knew that would be stupid, and the guy would never hear me. So instead, I whipped out my camera, just in time for the guy to honk yet again. That's right, he let out three or four angry, multi-second honks before finally succumbing to, you know, LOGIC and driving around. So for wasting his own time and blaming others for it, I label this dumb Lexus driver the Idiot Angeleno of the day.

Oh The Real World. The once proud reality series has stumbled in recent seasons (I stopped watching midway through Denver), but despite flagging quality, the show is gearing up for its twentieth season (!!). To celebrate this impressive feat, MTV threw a special awards show for The Real World, and honestly, what better way to fete scads of self-involved, narcissistic, ridiculous people than with a concept that is at its core self-involved, narcissistic, and ridiculous?

We've yet to find out who won what (Best Drunkard, Biggest Idiot, Favorite Tantrum, Most Outrageous Self-Rationalization?), but my friend Laura hit the red carpet, and when she wasn't doling out little passive-aggressive gems ("This is one of the seasons I did watch"), she was finding out tidbits from some of our kind of favorite stars from yore.

Quick observations:

• Eric Nies looks way old/stoned. Sort of sad.
• Stephen from Seattle got fat but is dressed well (those gays!).
• Melissa from Miami is still boring as hell.
• Ruthie may have shrunken.
• Teck would fail miserably on American Inventor. And he's too small for his neck collar, but that's neither here nor there.
• Beth is hilarious, but we all knew that.

Some photos from the red carpet after the jump, and to see the footage, click here (via Reality Blurred).

It's been a while since I've written up one of my gym horror stories, but sadly, I think that's more a sign of my lackadaisical workout routine than it is of improved hygienic awareness. People are still disgusting, and never was that more evident than today when I headed to the gym and encountered a lapse of cleanliness so foul that I had no recourse but to actually talk to a staff member. And people who know me know that I'm not one of those people. I'll complain and roll my eyes, but I rarely go running to the authorities. This time, however, I had to do what was right: narc. It was either that or barf.

I'm so fired up with political activism right now I'm surprised there's no annoying Facebook group dedicated to me. Last night, I attended my very first Planning Commission meeting here in West Hollywood, and while I knew I'd encounter several stodgy old people and myopic idiots, I didn't realize the degree to which they'd a) annoy me, b) get me riled up, and c) use poor logic to defend their statements.

The issue at hand was whether or not The Standard Hotel could extend its pool-side bar service hours. I won't bore you with the details, but the proposed resolution would ultimately allow the hotel to serve until 1:30 AM on the weekends. I, of course, was totally for this move for a variety of reasons, the most self-serving being that I would love to enjoy my nights at The Standard without being herded away from the pool at the stroke of 11:30 PM . More importantly, however, keeping The Standard open until closing time would keep it and The Sunset Strip competitive with other nightlife options — most of which are fleeing to Hollywood. And after seeing this planning board, I understand the exodus.

My entire experience at the meeting after the jump. Be warned, I will be ranting.

(Dramatization)

Another day, another gross story from the gym. Thankfully, this tale details significantly fewer threats to my personal health and hygiene as my last gym horror story, but I still find it quite appalling. I guess by now it's probably not hard to imagine what's so offensive this time around, what with my headline spilling the beans rather obviously. Still, I'm never one to turn away from telling a compelling yarn, especially when it highlights a breach of etiquette, hygiene, or some ungodly mixture of both...

So, I hate this car that's parked in my garage. I could go on a rant about it, but what's the point when pictures are so much more effective?

Full disclosure after the jump...

I don't want to be overly cynical or anything, but I'm truly amazed at how dumb people can be sometimes.  Yes, I know that sounds harsh and particularly "angry blogger"-ish, but it's true.  I mean, we all do dumb things —  it's normal — but the other day at the gym, I witnessed one of the most idiotic, or rather, baffling displays I've seen in quite some time.