Recently in Bad Marketing Category
Well, football season officially closed out last night with a fantastic Super Bowl, courtesy of the Indianapolis Colts and the new world champions New Orleans Saints. It was an overall exciting game, albeit perhaps a little low-scoring given the numbers the two powerhouse quarterbacks usually put up. Nevertheless, one can't complain about an epic showdown by two perfectly matched teams who went nearly the entire regular season with undefeated records.
Okay, I take that back. One can complain, and quite vociferously, I might add. Not about the game itself, mind you, but instead the various musical acts surrounding it. And the commercials too (although, they also deserve some praise).
I suppose it all begins with Steve Winwood, an aging rock star whose hits ("The Finer Things," "Valerie") I've quietly championed for some time. I won't lie: I thought he was the best thing ever in 1988, and quite honestly, he'd done little in the past twenty-two years to sway my opinion on that front. Well, unfortunately, that nifty preconception was completely destroyed yesterday when the guy appeared on a Super Bowl pre-show to sing my favorite of his songs, "Higher Love." And by "sing," I mean "butcher," because that's exactly what Steve Winwood did to this beloved song, nay, ANTHEM of my life. His voice, as expected, was not nearly as strong as it used to be, but that wasn't truly the problem. As gravelly as Señor Winwood had become, he still could hit most of his notes (unlike his comrades in The Who). The real tragedy was that he opted to mix up the tune's musical arrangement, giving it a jazzy Latin flair that did little but make the entire experience feel like some ill-conceived lobby act in a suburban Wichita Holiday Inn. Trust me, I did try to fend off all my snarky rebukes of the performance, lest I face the brutal reality that Steve Winwood is now over the hill, but as I watched him growling at his piano, floppy curls blowing this way and that, I just had to admit that the GOW (Glory of Winwood) had passed. It didn't help matters that every backing musician around him looked like they were on break from their real job working as a server at some West Palm Beach retirement community. Meanwhile, the crowd was hardly having any of this disaster. I think I've seen more emotion from the rocks at Stonehenge. It was total, horrific sadness.
Earlier today, I posted five Oprah Winfrey Show ads that ran in an issue of TV Guide exactly twenty-three years ago this week. Those were fun and all, but of course TV Guide has more to offer than just Oprah. There's a whole variety of amusing, dated, and amazingly dumb ads to be shared; and so I fired up my scanner yet again this morning, and voila — we now have another handful of goofy advertisements to enjoy from that same issue. If you've ever wanted to see where all the clichés about dumb sitcoms and their even dumber marketing come from, it's all right here
My favorites after the jump...
Remember when Project Runway was the hippest reality show around, beloved for its urbane appeal and sophisticated style? Well, now it's on Lifetime, and if this promo is any indication, the emphasis has moved away from upmarket elitism and more towards Middle American mom-jeans milquetoast. If I sound snobby, well, that's because I am. Truth is this commercial plays more like a Sears ad than anything else. It's so tragically unhip in every way. Even the music is outdated. I love Basement Jaxx as much as anyone else, but that tune is eight years old and has been used in more stupid commercials than I can shake a fist at. The only thing worse would have been to select a song by Smashmouth. I'm pained, I tell you. Pained.
The real question is if the show itself can survive the shift to its new home, or will the core audience feel simply too isolated by the onslaught of Lifetime shlock-appeal? And let's not forget that Project Runway is switching to Los Angeles this season. Hmmm... My Jump-The-Shark-dar is certainly beeping like crazy...
What do you think?
This enrages me. The lovely Liz at Food, She Thought sent a simple email to the publicist for Kogi's Taco Truck (a Korean-BBQ-on-wheels thing here in Los Angeles), and the response was absolutely outrageous. Even if everything this PR person had said was true, there's no good reason for he or she to have actually said it. Memo to publicists: when you have to do damage control for your damage control peeps, that's a bad thing.
Check out the ridiculousness here.
What's more fun than complaining about Facebook? Nothing, really. So that's why I'm doing it again! Granted, I got most of my issues off my chest last week with my Top Ten Bad Things About New Facebook, but there are a few annoyances that have crept up since then that still need to be addressed.
My main concerns after the jump...
There's nothing quite as enjoyable as when a corporate entity traipses down the rabbit hole of groupthink and marketing, eventually resulting in some ill-advised attempt at rebranding that goes predictably haywire. Take, for example, the latest developments over at Nickelodeon and the Sci Fi Channel. In an attempt to cater to the tween market, Nick has revealed plans to release a older, sluttier Dora The Explorer doll, which has unsurprisingly been met with general disdain across the board (you can add me to the "Anti" camp after having seen a ten year old girl at Coscto yesterday sporting whorish lipstick and a fashion ensemble to match).
Meanwhile, the Sci Fi Channel has decided to shake things up as well. Come June, the network won't be known as Sci Fi, but as... Syfy. That one just gets a big scratching head from me. I understand some of the thought process behind changing the name — Syfy can be trademarked, the name isn't as stringently tied to the Sci Fi genre, etc. — but seriously, it just reeks of the sort of corporate decision making that stems from countless hours of mind numbing marketing powwows and glossy presentations; the kind that eventually erode away any sense of what's good or bad or mildly intriguing. Maybe that's why it's a bit ironic that the network's new slogan is "Imagine Greater." At this point, the channel should either stay as Sci Fi or change the name completely. Opting for a bizarre misspelling, however, just seems odd. If anything, it appears oddly French. I might be inclined to think "Syfy" is the name of some Parisian pharmacy. "Need to pick up some deodorant? Oh yeah, just drop by the Syfy on St. Germain. And get me some contact solution while you're there. MERCI."
So now I ask you: which rebranding is worse? Dora or Syfy?
UGH. My quest for a free Angry Whopper has become a drawn out affair, no thanks to Burger King, which seems unwilling to hold up its end of the bargain. After four weeks had gone by since I'd dropped ten friends from Facebook as per the rules of the promotion, I decided to call up Burger King headquarters to find out where the EFF my Angry Whopper was. I spoke to a lovely woman named Wilmarie, who informed me that the mistake would be rectified and that Burger King would be sending me a coupon right away. At last, it seemed like I'd be making headway. I then spent the next seven days furiously checking my mailbox hoping that maybe, just maybe this Angry Whopper saga could be put to an end.
WELL. Today, I was delighted to see an unassuming envelope from Burger King sitting in my mailbox. Ahhhh... sweet, sweet victory. I was so excited that I almost blasted off a mobile "tweet" right then and there to proclaim my joy at having finally received a free Angry Whopper. But then I opened up the envelope, and inside was a generic apology letter — no surprise there — and a coupon for one free... Whopper. Not an Angry Whopper, mind you. Just a regular, run-of-the-mill, emotionally neutral Whopper. Normally, this would be ground for celebration and tears, but alas, I now find myself in a bizarrely awkward situation: should I be grateful for what I have and simply enjoy my free burger in peace? Or should I demand the specific bounty which I am owed? I feel ungrateful for complaining, but I also feel cheated by sitting here quietly. What say you, oh readers from the Internets?
In the meantime, I will try to use the coupon to score the Angry Whopper. After all, "Whopper" might just be an umbrella term, in which case... never mind!
Developing...
OH REALLY?
Last month, I dutifully dropped ten people from Facebook with the promise of receiving a free Angry Whopper from Burger King. Much to my shock, when I had completed the deed, I received a message saying my gift certificate would be arriving in two to four weeks. I wasn't happy with the lack of instant gratification, but nonetheless, I've sat here quietly, checking my mail excitedly (seriously) every day for the past two weeks. Well, tomorrow marks the four week anniversary of me earning my Angry Whopper stripes, and I have yet to receive my gift certificate. WTF? Seeing that the Angry Whopper is being touted as merely a "Limited Time Only" item, I will be quite, quite angry indeed if this burger disappears before I get to redeem my coupon. Cosmic justice for dropping friends from Facebook? Perhaps. I like to think of it as corporate malfeasance. Maybe even fraud.
You owe me, BK. You owe me.
Well, apparently my pick for the best Super Bowl Ad of 2009 never actually aired, which certainly was an embarrassing revelation for me. However, last night's thrilling game (congrats Steeler! Sorry, Larry FitzP) did see a good number of funny, engaging, and generally well produced ads (unlike last year's sorry crop).
My picks for the best and worst after the jump...
I'm really loving this latest season of The Amazing Race, but when it comes to building buzz on the Internet, CBS seems all backward. Absolutely none of the show's videos can be embedded, and that goes for previews of upcoming episodes. What sort of marketing genius thought that up? Wouldn't CBS want previews to be accessible on every site on the Internet? I imagine some myopic supervisor thought that by disabling embedding, it would draw traffic to CBS.com, but if there's anything I learned from my TVgasm days, it's that readers don't like to do anything that's inconvenient. Specifically, if you make content difficult to reach, it simply won't be reached.
It's bad enough that CBS posts only a handful of photos from each Amazing Race episode (usually three to four days after a show airs), but to deprive the blogosphere of usable video? That just seems cruel and unusual. It's especially maddening when compared to how accessible the network makes content for Big Brother. When that show is in season, the webmasters deluge us with images (upwards of a hundred per episode) and video that can be embedded. Why the change of heart for Amazing Race?
Awful.
(For a good recap, click here)
Free Starbucks!
Two weeks ago, I implored all of America to revolt against Starbucks and their straw-destroying lids. I was hoping to generate a crusade or at least a low-grade revolution, but sadly, the cause never really caught on with Digg and whatnot. Still, I got some traction — getting linkage from Eater LA and Serious Eats and some other blogs. Reading the comments on those sites, I was struck by how many people thought it was their fault that they couldn't get their straws through their lids. Fear not, my fellow countrymen. It's not you. It's them. Shame on any corporation who lets the consumer take the blame for their own shortcomings!
Luckily, Starbucks has shown slight remorse. After I complained on their website, a customer representative sent me coupons for two free drinks. This is a step in the right direction. I would like to publicly thank Starbucks for throwing me a minor bone. Of course, while I'm always happy to get free nourishment, but I must face the realization that all I'm going to do is march over to the nearest 'bucks, order a mocha frapuccino, and face the dreaded lid ALL OVER AGAIN. I suppose I could request the alternative domed lid, but honestly, why should I change my habits for their poor plastic choices? I refuse! Vive la resistance!
Nevertheless, I'll keep all updated on the Starbucks front...
Over the past several months, Starbucks Coffee has been revamping its stores and practices, and among the many changes customers have seen, one of the most peevish has to be the new plastic lids used for cold beverages. At first glance, they look like all the other standard lids, but upon further inspection, these plastic disks prove to be nothing more than stubborn coffee cock-blocks. That's right, the plastic tops do little but impede thirsty drinkers on their quest for caffeinated goodness. They are horrendous, awful, and quite possibly forged in the depths of hell. I hate them, and I've decided to start a crusade to get Starbucks to shift manufacturers so that we the people can enjoy our iced lattes and frappucinos with ease once again.
A detailed, step-by-step photographic case against the lids after the jump...
When I read that Sanjaya would be poking fun of himself in a new Nationwide commercial, I felt optimistic that the affable yet untalented kid might finally enter some sort of post-annoying phase where we could enjoy him as a kind of neo-kitsch character, not unlike William Shatner or James Lipton. However, after checking out the spot, I found myself recoiling much as I did throughout all of Sanjaya's 2007 run on American Idol. Some things never change...
For those of you who love the kid though, check out some behind the scenes footage after the jump.
Hold me closer, tiny ice cream.
My heart skipped a beat today when I saw that there'd be a brand new flavor rolling out of the Ben & Jerry's factory this month. Surely I would have to sample this latest batch of frozen paradise. But then I learned a horrid, horrid truth. The new flavor would only be available for one week... and only in VERMONT.
Why, Ben & Jerry's? WHY? Adding insult to injury, the new flavor looks oh-so-good. Titled "Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road" as an ode to Elton John (who'll be playing his first Vermont concert this month), the ice cream features "an outrageous symphony of decadent chocolate ice cream, peanut butter cookie dough, butter brickle and white chocolate chunks."
Me == salivating at the mouth.
I can't believe such an affable organization as Ben & Jerry's would deign to tease us with this flavor, knowing that only a small population of the country will have access to it — and only for a limited time at that! It's not right, I tell you. It's not right! Ice cream flavors should last longer than a candle in the wind, if you will. Don't let the sun go down on me, Ben & Jerry's! The circle of life for this ice cream should be longer, more expansive! I want to eat it at the club at the end of the street!!!
Okay, I'll stop.
For more on this unlawful ice cream situation, check out the full article here.
Major non-props to CBS and The CW, who have both apparently pulled their feeds from RedLasso. This means all my clips of Gossip Girl and The Late Show with David Letterman have been yanked. I discovered this just now when I attempted to create a clip of last night's Letterman, which featured Mary-Kate Olsen bashing Spencer Pratt (and Dave in turn calling him a "worm.") Alas, because of this CBS-RedLasso impasse, I find my hands tied. Sure, I know it's probably available on YouTube, but since I'm stickin' it to the man these days, I'm gonna refrain from seeking alternative video sources and let CBS reel from the ANTI-BUZZ. Furthermore, I'm going to post a clip from a rival entertainment source as further punishment.
So... Ha!
I have been a loyal member of 24 Hour Fitness for years and years, going all the way back to the heady days of 2002 when I joined the gym's flagship facility in Hollywood just days after opening. I've never really had a problem with the place (unlike with the dreadful con-artists at Bally's Total Fitness), and over time, as more and more people joined up and quality began to lag here and there, I stayed true to my membership. Sure, the mandatory towel rule was rarely enforced, and sure, the lines at the cardio machines were verging on ridiculous, and sure, finding free weights had become akin to a minor scavenger hunt, but I kind of let that all slide. I was happy enough, and the constant stream of reality stars in the gym (not to mention the occasional A-lister -- a.k.a. Justin Timberlake twice!) kept my gluttony for fame satisfied. Things weren't perfect, but it's such a pain to change gyms, and I wasn't going to leave 24 Hour Fitness unless I felt like I really had to.
And then this week happened.
When I was in Europe a few weeks ago, there was one commercial that played over and over and over again on CNN International, and thankfully, I just found it on YouTube. It's a bombastic spot intended to lure investors to the emirate of Ajman, but instead, it just kind of plays out like light cult indoctrination, especially when the enthusiastic narrator announces, "The power of belief paves the way for achievement!" All that's missing are some John Woo doves. Nevertheless, the commercial in its entirety is above, and if you're fascinated by life in the UAE, check out my friend's blog here.
Back in Cycle 9 of America's Next Top Model, we watched the girls stumble and slur their way through one of the most ill-conceived product titles of all time: the Wetslicks Fruit Spritzer. To the uninitiated (ie. me), it sounded like the models were merely saying "westshlicksfritzsprtizer," especially when queen marble-mouth Jaslene got in on the action. Now CoverGirl is back with yet another tongue twister of a product name, and sure enough, Fatima, Whitney, and Anya all managed to completely botch it, reducing the brand to a mishmash of syllables that sounded not unlike "blashtlashtlashblahsshsblashssplash." I don't blame the girls. I blame whoever came up with the stupid tagline.
Nevertheless, I'm not even going to say what this product is called because trying to guess the words is half the fun.
From left to right: Funny, AWFUL, strange.
After that thrilling Super Bowl, it feels almost silly discussing the accompanying ads — the combined entertainment value of which paled dramatically next to the big game. However, it's hard to for me to go three seconds without voicing my opinion on one thing or another, especially when so much hype is involved; so here goes with my roundup of this year's commercials.
Overall, it wasn't a great night for commercials. Bugs and rodents and critters in general seemed to dominate the airwaves, which wasn't always a good thing. You'd think marketing execs would know better, but then again, these are the same people who bring us a talking baby year after awful year. Why? WHY? Nevertheless, very few spots were noteworthy this year, and there didn't seem to be any instant classics in the bunch, but there were some gems that deserve accolades. My reviews of nearly all the Super Bowl ads after the jump.
Is there any better way to spend twenty minutes than by revisiting all the sexist, racist, and simply ill-conceived ad campaigns of yesteryear? I think not. Unfortunately, I'm too lazy to look up every last cringe-worthy ad on YouTube, but the good people at Cracked have aggregated five worthy selections, each one worse than the next.
The Jell-o ad is particularly awful as it happily utilizes seemingly as many Asian stereotypes as possible in under sixty seconds, but then again, there's no denying the simmering sexism that Folgers serves up to one unlucky housewife. Then there are the toy guns, the asbestos flooring, and the cigarettes — the last of which are hawked by our old friend, Fred and Barney. The creators of these spots are certainly Mad Men indeed...
• 5 Retro Commercials Companies Would Like You To Forget [Cracked]
Do the curtains match the carpet? It's an essential question not just for monochromatic interior designers, but for curious men (and women) who seek to know if a lady's hair color is uniformly aligned with the hues in the nether regions of her body. As we all know, not all blondes are natural, and nothing spills the beans more than a brown tuft of fuzzy revelation in the general pelvic area. Thankfully, for those seeking congruity in the Northern and Southern hemispheres, there's a relatively new product on the market that addresses this need. It's a gentle hair dying kit simply called BETTY.
Thankfully, Betty has a website, and since I'm dedicated to helping my readers choose only the best products for themselves, I urge you to join me as I explore this enchanting corner of the Internets...
To those unfamiliar with the latest offerings on Los Angeles's Lazy Susan of fads, one particular sensation that has swept the city by storm has been the Frozen Yogurt craze, helpfully nurtured by Pinkberry and its many imitators. Basically, people have rediscovered FroYo, but this time around, they've taken out the flavoring, added fresh toppings, and convinced themselves that they're now eating health food. I'm not necessarily opposed to the whole movement, but I can't abide by any frozen yogurt shop (or frozen dairy shop in general) that doesn't offer a chocolate option for those of us less health inclined (Pinkberry, it should be noted, has a scant selection consisting of only Plain and Green Tea. Oh, and their signature flavor: AWFUL).
Well, over the past year, dozens of Pinkberry knockoffs have sprouted up across the city, and now, it seems the bubble is at last bursting. One of the first casualties is none other than the miserable establishment, Yogurtpia, which happens to be one of the places I've actually been to. According to Eater LA, the storefront is covered with ominous, brown paper, hopefully signaling the end to this embarrassment of an enterprise. Yes, it's a joyous time for me, as Yogurtpia's unceremonious death fills me with great satisfaction. But why? Why am I so thrilled that a generic yogurt shop has disappeared into the night, never to be heard from again?
