Conan O’Brien Delivers Commencement Address at Dartmouth

Conan O’Brien addressed the class of 2011 this weekend at Dartmouth College. Never have I been more proud to be an alum (and a former Conan intern!).

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Dartmouth Students Burn Themselves, Steal Dump Trucks

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This past weekend, Dartmouth College celebrated its homecoming, and as with any school holiday involving booze and fire, there were arrests aplenty. Most notably there was the drunk freshman who somehow fell over into the embers of the burnt bonfire. When he tried to get up, he put his hands on hot coals, and well, he totally Travis Barkered himself (too soon?). Whilst he was sent off to Boston for non-life-threatening but severe burns, another student later suffered a case of the hots after his friends dared him to walk across the still heated coals. Balms and ointments ensued.
Perhaps the most interesting turn of events, however, was the case of the missing construction equipment. According to the school’s daily newspaper, The Dartmouth, “two pieces of heavy equipment were stolen from Red Rolfe Field, the construction site of a new Dartmouth baseball field, on consecutive nights… Both items, a front loader and a dump truck, were found by Safety and Security on the front lawn of Chi Heorot fraternity on Saturday and Sunday morning, respectively.” Nothing like a good old fashioned dump truck-on-the-lawn prank!
For more gory details about the Homecoming shenanigans, click here.

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'Gossip Girl' Goes To Yale, Hilarity Ensues

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How good was Gossip Girl last night? It was THIIISSS good (imagine me spreading my arms out as widely as possible). After a fairly silly episode featuring the ups and downs of Eleanor Waldorf’s fashion show, Gossip Girl rebounded with an installment so chock-full of great one liners that it instantly deserves classic status. The My Fair Lady opening alone was worth tuning in for, thanks mostly to Leighton Meester who continues to steal every scene she’s in (Blake Lively, sadly, is not a master of British accents. Same goes for French too, but Blair thankfully cut her down to size on that point). I’m still torn about my favorite line of the episode — all the Brown bashing or merely just the Lauren Conrad reference — but I think I have to go for Chuck Bass’s announcement that he was evaluating colleges based on the merit of their secret societies. Say what you will about teen soaps, this show has some of the sharpest writing on TV.
Of course, it also has some wildly uneven writing too, as evidenced in the entire Jenny Humphrey storyline, which continues to pale next to everything else on the show. This week, Little J tried to convince Dad that a career in Eleanor Waldorf’s sweatshop was more worthwhile than completing a high school education. Annoyingly backing her up was Vanessa, whose awfulness seems to know no bounds. Smiling obnoxiously like some transplant from a squeaky clean Disney show, Vanessa would appear at random intervals to support Jenny and boast the merits of homeschooling. Just exactly who homeschools Vanessa is still a mystery, and why Rufus treats her like an equal is simply bizarre. She needs to be run over by a bus, STAT. Luckily, it looks like next week she’ll be the butt of some fantastic Chuck Bass prank.

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Farewell, Sweet Keychain

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Back in the fall of 1997, I received a nifty bottle-opener keychain at Dartmouth orientation. It was a stellar addition to my burgeoning key ring as it was both very practical and completely free. Oh, how I enjoyed those heady days of popping the caps off beer bottles without a care in the world. Over time, however, the bottle opener wore down, and I found it an increasing chore to liberate beer from its glassy prison. I’d have to often attack multiple areas of the cap as merely clamping on and pulling up in one place would result in nothing but a violent, embarrassing whiff, leaving the cap intact and my pride shattered.
Eventually, even mutli-prying failed to work. The bottle opener had become totally, inexcusably useless, but I kept it around because it had become a relic of Dartmouth orientation — my rosy-eyed youth, if you will. Plus, I was really too lazy to order another one off the internet. Thankfully, last week IndianJones had to go back to the Alma Mater on a recruiting trip, and being the kindhearted man that he is, he volunteered to pick up whatever items we wanted from the Dartmouth Co-Op (a.k.a. the store that sells all the Dartmouth junk). I realized that eleven years on (holy crap), it was time for an upgrade. I put in an order for a shiny, glossy, new keychain, but this time with a circular design — one that might survive eleven years of weathering and whatnot. IndianJones obliged, and on Saturday night, I went to his apartment to make the official changeover from old to new. I’ll just say this: Yankee Stadium’s got nothing on this.

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LIKE OMG! Partial 'Gossip Girl' Script Leaked to the Internets!

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Tri-Delt and Psi-U, here they come!

SPOTTED: white hot television show’s script floating around the Internets!
It’s inevitable that a show about leaking things to the blogosphere would itself get leaked to the blogosphere. Case in point: a few pages from an upcoming Gossip Girl episode have surfaced over at Gawker. They don’t reveal much, but then again, I only read the first page as I am loathe to have my GG experience spoiled. In my brief glance at the dialogue, I discovered that Dan Humphrey will be eschewing Dartmouth for Yale because according to him, the New Haven institution has poached all of Big Green’s English Department — perhaps even my freshman year professor / activist / crazy-bio-writer Shelby Grantham. Whatever. We don’t want someone lame like Dan anyway. I like to think of Dartmouth as a Blair-Bear / Chuck Bass kind of place. No need for someone whiney from DUMBO.
Nevertheless, there’s still no word as to who found the Gossip Girl script, and even if Gawker did know, I’m sure that’s one secret they’d never tell!
xoxo,
GOSSIP LINK

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GO GREEN: Dartmouth Drunk Tank Considerably Larger Than Rest of the Ivies

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The numbers are in. When it comes to annual alcohol infractions per 1,000 students, Dartmouth outpaces the rest of the Ivy League by a healthy, if not entirely sober margin. In fact, the venerable institution has over twice the infractions as the next closest school, Cornell. Does this mean Dartmouth students are rowdier, drunker, and more unruly than the rest of the League? Possibly. But I’m more inclined to blame the school’s rigorously oppressive booze laws for the inflated numbers. Either way, it’s always nice to see the Alma Mater top a list.
For more analysis, check out Joe’s Dartblog [found via IvyGate via Gawker]

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