Greetings from the friendly skies! I am currently flying through the clouds on American Airlines, and since I have nothing better to do, I figured I’d whip out the lap top and write a flight blog. I’m currently headed from NYC to Orlando, or as I like to call it, THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL ROUTE. Yes, this plane is chock full o’ kids — in the seats, in the aisles, and probably in the overhead compartments. It’s like I’m in an airborne rumpus room. It’s not that I hate kids; it’s just that I severely dislike being in their company. They’re like drunk people: rambunctious, loud, hard to control, and prone to inappropriate urination. And yet when kids do all those things it’s considered cute or “life.” Well, I suppose that’s fine, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Luckily, there haven’t been any pools of liquid accumulating near me, and most of the children are so excited about Disney that they’re hardly shedding a tear, but still, I’m going a little batty. There were balloons at the terminal, people. BALLOONS AT THE TERMINAL.
Well, here I am again on a trans-con flight with nothing but time on my hands. I was planning on doing something useful like work on my script or write a Jersey Shore photocap, but this flight has proven to be something of an amusing farce so far. I must live blog the events because they are too entertaining for me to keep to myself.
It’s been a while since I’ve written a flight blog (or “flog”), but I’m feeling a certain peppiness today — the sort of peppiness that comes from an intoxicating cocktail of D-list celebrity sightings and a venti iced mocha from Starbucks. This sort of chipper outlook is fairly rare at this early hour of 9:20 AM as I’m usually shaking the cobwebs off and adjusting to the cruel light of day. However, I was up quite literally at the crack of dawn to fetch a ride (courtesy of the lovely Sly) to LAX for my annual trip back to New York for Passover (FYI — Leslie and Laura, I forgot to tell you: I’m coming in this weekend. Drinks on Saturday? Don’t mind me and my social planning, everyone). Anyway, my flight won’t board for at least another hour and a half, but Sly’s work schedule mandated that she drop me off at the airport earlier than planned, and thank God for that. As I stepped out of her vehicle, I immediately noticed a hoard of people in American Airlines’ priority access area, waiting to ascend a staircase to security. This seemed unconventional. After all, the priority access people have, well, priority access. They never have to wait for anything, let alone a minor check point en route to the metal detectors. If these First Class folk were backed up, I couldn’t even imagine what the rest of us hoi polloi had in store for us.
It wasn’t pretty.
Guess what? I’m back on a plane again! Yes, I’m on yet another flight back to the East Coast, and I’ll be honest — I wasn’t gonna “flog” it. First of all, I’m a bit tired; second of all, I thought I might do real work; third of all, there aren’t even any celebrities that I’m aware of on this place, and fourth of all, I just wasn’t sure if I could get myself into the flog mindset.
But then someone spilled soda on me, and I knew I had to start writing. Details forthcoming. Click after the jump and refresh for live updates…
Well, here I am. On another plane. But unlike my recent Alaska and Jetblue excursions, this time I’m on American Airlines, and you know what that means â€”Â GoGo in flight wireless! That means that I am writing to you live from the skies, relaying useful and petty information AS IT HAPPENS. The glories of technology. Even better is that while this service normally costs $13, my friend jash was able to hook me up with a sweet promotion code that has reduced the fee down to $0.00. That’s right. This experience is freeeeeeee! And you all know how I like a good deal.
Anyway, everything seems to be pretty good so far, but as usual, I have a few complaints. Let the whining commence…
Ardent readers of this blog may have noticed that content has been somewhat lacking over the past few days. That’s because I’ve been touring the Pacific Northwest, enjoying the sights and sounds (and various libations) of Portland and Seattle. Well, now I’m back, but of course I couldn’t just FLY somewhere without sharing the experience â€”Â especially since I managed to score a swanky first class ticket back to Los Angeles on Alaska Airlines. So yes, here I am with another FLOG, ready to share all from my two hour jaunt in the sky.
The full experience, including a MOST dissatisfying crudite incident, after the jump…
Well, I’m back up in the air and headed back to Los Angeles, and I’m proud to report that there’s no Ginny in sight. I was a little concerned that my arch-nemesis would be returning to the Left Coast with me, but thankfully, she’s nowhere to be seen. Perhaps there’s an urgent candy cane blazer conference in New York City that demands her presence. Nevertheless, without her presence, this flight has been more or less uneventful. The guy next to me seems cool (and capable of beating me up), and even though there are an abundance of children and families on this flight, they all seem to be quiet and placid. Maybe they’re all bracing for the cinematic experience that is Marley and Me Ã¢â‚¬â€ soon to begin after the cocktail service.
And where is that cocktail service anyway? I’m starving, but I don’t want to gorge on my Cibo Express sandwich (ham & brie sandwich, black and white cookie on the side) until I have a beverage to sate what will surely be a ravenous thirst. Aha! Ask and ye shall receive! The beverage cart has just appeared in the aisle, and my lunch plans look to be headed in the right direction.
More excitement after the jump…
People. People, people, people. I just endured a horrifically awkward ninety minutes on an airplane, and admittedly it was really my own fault. I was live blogging my flight from Los Angeles to New York, and as I am wont to do, I fixated on random minutia in the cabin, particularly that which emanated from the woman next to me, who I had named Ginny. Well, after she nearly spilled a glass of water on me, I kind of went on a blogging rampage, mercilessly making fun of every small thing she did Ã¢â‚¬â€ which probbbbbbably (read: most definitely) wasn’t tremendously fair to her, but in my own meager defense, I can say that when I start writing these things, I’m not even writing about the person anymore. It’s like I’ve created a character and am just running with it. Anyway, that explanation doesn’t fly when the person you’ve been quietly mocking for about an hour happens to check out your laptop, read your remarks, and then call you out on it.
And that’s just what Ginny did. The whole awful saga after the jump…
Hello, people! I’m currently flying cross country on American Airlines, taking advantage of the inflight WiFi. You know what that means: time to live blog the adventures.
Bitching and moaning after the jump…
Surprise, surprise! I am currently on an airplane flying to New York, and with the advent of in-flight Internet courtesy of Gogo Wireless, I’m able to truly report to you all with a live blog. This is actually the second time I’ve used this service, and I’m still a bit giddy about the notion of checking my email while cruising high above the mountains of California. I LOVE TECHNOLOGY. What I don’t love, however, are unexpected kinks in what should be a relatively straightforward flight.
The story behind my “Ugggghhhhh” after the jump…