The Only Cream Cheese Frosting Recipe You’ll Ever Need

Best Cream Cheese Frosting Ever

This past weekend, my friend Sly celebrated a birthday, and in her honor, I baked Ina Garten’s impeccable Carrot and Pineapple Cake. It was actually the second time in three weeks that I’ve made the recipe for a birthday, which is significant only because the first time around, I couldn’t help but feel like Ina’s cream cheese frosting was a little… off.

Avid readers of this blog know that I think Ina Garten is basically flawless, but here’s the hardcore truth: the Barefoot Contessa cream cheese frosting veers way too closely into buttercream territory. In fact, it’s barely tangy at all. There, I SAID IT.

Nevertheless, as I prepared to bake Sly’s very own carrot cake, I wanted to learn from Ina’s missteps. I was determined to create a batch of cream cheese frosting that was tangy and amazing and decadent enough to be worthy of Sly.

I’m happy to report that I not only achieved this, but I actually knocked it out of the park. This was the best cream cheese frosting I’ve ever made, and Sly herself even proclaimed it was the best she’d tasted. There’s no great science to it, but with a variety of cream cheese frosting recipes online, I think it’s important that someone drive a flag into the ground and declare that the Internet search is over: THIS is the only cream cheese frosting recipe you’ll ever need.

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How To Scare Away A Man With Your Blog


As is often the case in my life, I found myself in a Google wormhole the other day, and somehow I wound up on an inane little blog called “K’s Corner,” a curious little site with only one entry and lots of silliness. To some people, K’s Corner will be the most adorable thing they’ve ever seen. To others, it represents every single thing we hate about overly public lovebirds. You be the judge.

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Taste Awards Prove To Be The Most Embarrassingly Amateurish, Unintentionally Hilarious Awards Show Of All Time


Last night, a friend of mine offered me a free ticket to the Taste Awards (also known as the Tasty Awards, depending on which part of the official website one visits), which is a burgeoning celebration of food, fashion, drink, and style — four realms that most certainly deserve a glitzy award show. I was quite excited to attend, and while I knew this event wouldn’t have the same celebrity wattage as the Critics Choice Awards down the street (which featured, you know, celebrities and production values), I still looked forward to seeing some of my favorite food and lifestyle personalities honored.

It was therefore somewhat shocking that a ceremony celebrating style and fine living would be executed in such an unstylish, shoddy manner. Let’s not bury the lede here: in the ten years I’ve spent in Los Angeles, this was by far the most inept, bumbling, and downright amateurish formal event I’d ever attended. It made the Fox Reality Channel’s “Really” Awards look like the Oscars. It made the Grammys look like the Nobel Peace Prize. It made the People’s Choice Awards look like the Kennedy Center Honors. Have I hammered home the point yet? I’ve seen preschool awards delivered with more grace than these things.

On the plus side, the Taste Awards offered up a never-ending supply of unintentional comedy. At least it was funny to me as I went for free. The same can’t be said for the poor saps who spent $125.00 on tickets on this fiasco.

Full details about the event after the jump…

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It’s Time For The ‘Sh*t People Say’ Meme To End

Please make it stop.

When “Shit Girls Say” first surfaced last month, it was hilarious. The follow-up was also very funny. It looked like a classic web series in the making. However, the internet has killed the goose that laid the golden egg. Thanks to many well-meaning but frequently unfunny imitators, the entire conceit of “Shit ____ Say” has been utterly destroyed.

Some tributes to the web series have been fairly successful (ie. Shit White Girls Say To Black Girls and Shit Spanish Girls Say), but overall, almost unilaterally the knockoffs just aren’t funny. At best, they make us smile thanks to the germ of a humorous idea, an amiable performance, or a few clever lines. But sadly, this meme has now entered the realm of “Duh! Winning!” It’s overdone, lacking in novelty, and quite frankly annoying (see example above). Plus, as wannabe viral superstars try to carve out a niche for themselves with the meme, the themes become less universal. I mean, Shit Sri Lankan Mothers Say? (Ironically, this one made me laugh more than all the others. Bad example. Can’t say the same for Shit Women Say To Personal Trainers though). Sure, I may sound like a jerk — raining on many people’s parades and whatnot — but isn’t that what bloggers are for?

Take back the Internet, people.

Shit bloggers say: ENOUGH.

Seven Things That Are Annoying Me Today


I didn’t really know what to write about this afternoon; so I thought I’d maybe whine for a little bit since I seem to do that well, and it’s been a while since I’d bitched about anything in particular. Back in the early days of this blog when I was under a non-compete with TVgasm, I wasn’t allowed to write about TV; so I spent a good amount of blog real estate telling tales of gross people at the gym or embarrassing gaffes whilst attempting to exit a parking garage.

I don’t really have any good stories on that front, but I did realize at some point this afternoon that I have a few things that have been annoying me today, and why not air them out in public? It is the blogger way, after all. Continue reading

How To Fix ‘The Barefoot Contessa’

Anyone who’s been reading this blog for the past few years knows that I absolutely love Ina Garten and her show, Barefoot Contessa. Back in the day, the series, which airs on Food Network, focused on Ina assembling some sort of casually sophisticated meal for her friends, many of whom tended to be gays with fixations on things like flowers, the color orange, or old windmills. It was a perfect mix of good food and light narrative. How bad can that be?

Over the years, Barefoot Contessa has developed a quiver of buddies that have become utterly endearing to us viewers. There’s Ina’s adorable husband Jeffrey, there’s best bud Frank, the wily TR, dapper Miguel, sweetly fussy Michael, ornery Barbara Lieberman, choreographer Susan Stroman (affectionately known as Stro), the ladies of Calypso, lovable assistant Barbara, and of course the one and only Anna Pump. These are just a few of the many faces in Ina’s Hamptons universe, and one of the main appeals of Barefoot Contessa is watching Ina interact with this Simpsons-esque stable of characters — all while teaching us great recipes.

Somewhere along the way though, things began to change. Her theme song went jazzy, the term “Back to Basics” was appended to the show, and guest stars (not guest characters) became the norm. The show slowly moved away from endearing vignettes and instead refocused on a regrettable new feature, “Ask Ina.”

Don’t get me wrong: I still love Ina with all my heart, but it’s time for an intervention with the producers. We need to get Barefoot Contessa back on track. After the jump, a few humble suggestions for Food Network…

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And Now A Disgusting Turn of Events


I haven’t registered a formal blog complaint about personal hygiene in quite some time, perhaps not since my unfortunate series of gym horror stories in 2008 (read them here and here, if you dare). However, I come to you with a new dreadful story that will surely make most people squirm with uneasiness.

It all happened last night, just before midnight. I hadn’t had dinner yet, and so I plodded over to the nearby 24 hour Subway on Highland Avenue for some late night grub. Not the healthiest time of night to be noshing, but my alternative was thawing out a year-old chilaquiles from the freezer. Clearly, Subway won out.

Well, as I arrived in the dark parking lot, I noticed two gentlemen stepping into the quiet Subway shop. My heart sank. I could already tell they were homeless and drunk, and in case you haven’t been in Hollywood, drunk homeless people around these parts are kind of the worst. I know what you’re saying, “There’s B-Side in his ivory tower turning his nose up at two chaps who’ve had a hard run of luck.” Well, yes, FINE. I am. But that does not excuse the horror I was about to encounter.

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Call The DEA — The Idol Judges Are On CRACK!!!


There can only be one explanation for the unmitigated praise that the American Idol judges bestowed on Adam and Danny last night: crack. Well, I suppose there’s a second explanation: the music must just sound different live. Danny and Adam, who admittedly have very powerful voices, must translate stupendously well in person because on TV, I just didn’t get all the adoration spewed their way. Similarly, I didn’t necessarily understand the lack of enthusiasm directed at Kris Allen (at least his first song). There’s some sort of topsy-turvy thing going on that makes crappy music sound good to them and vice versa. Whatever it is, I’m here to pipe in and say that no, Danny and Adam were not God’s gifts to music Tuesday night. In fact, they were rather ordinary. THERE. I said it.

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Dumb Bitch Is Back and Angrier Than Ever!


Last time when this dumb bitch wrote me an angry email, I got pissed and told her to go away. I also happened to have been very hungry at the time and prone to crankiness. Today comes a new entry in psycho-ville. I think it’s clear she didn’t read my previous scourge against her, which is why she’s come back with this email. I know it comes from a place of love (in some warped, demented kind of way), but now it’s just getting funny:

Seriously!!! Just stop!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEEEEASE JUST FUCKING STOP!!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!!! THIS RE”CRAP” SUCKS!!! All I’m saying is why would you put the recap up and then no pictures??? If MTV didn’t post the pictures up yet then wait!!! Don’t put a half ass recap up!!! Look maybe you misunderstood the last time but I simply asked you to recap The Hills like you used to!!! Meaning recap from the beginning of the episode to the end along with your funny captions and screencaps in between!!! THE WAY THAT YOU USED TO RECAP THE HILLS!!! The recaps used to be so funny and witty and full of snark!!! I used to laugh so hard at your recaps!!! This is the second week that you just skipped around the episode!!! What are you going to do post the pictures later!!! HOW LAME!!! Just remember you have fans from the Laguna Beach days and beyond and I hope you find the strength to dig up some recaps like that again!!! You don’t even blog about the gossip of the people on Laguna Beach, Hills, etc…… Did you know that Kristin is going to be on The Hills for six episodes??? DID YOU!!! [ed. note — this was actually posted on my blog earlier today] When Lauren leaves they’re going to bring Kristin in!!! This is what I’m talking about!!! You don’t post news like that!!! As far as I’m concerned you don’t even deserve to recap The Hills anymore or deserve to breathe the same air as the people on The Hills!!! JUST BRING IT IN YOUR RECAP NEXT TIME!!!

To which I say this:

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