Back in 2002, I stepped into the hallowed halls of a certain mattress retailer named Sit ‘n’ Sleep. It was time for me to graduate from the janky futon I had been sleeping on for the past year and learn what it meant to be an adult. Or at least, a young adult. I was a year out of college, and I was growing up.
That was the first time I had ever purchased a mattress, and I didn’t even know what I was looking for. Did I want something firm? Soft? What did my back need? As far as I could tell, I’d never met a bed I didn’t like. I could sleep on cots, futons, air mattresses, whatever. Just give me something springy with some blankets. Well, I walked out of that Sit ‘n’ Sleep with a $400 queen that seemed to promise a lifetime of beautiful slumber and unwavering happiness.
That never happened.
To my dismay, I discovered that I had purchased a miserable mattress that was entirely too firm for my delicate body. I hated the thing almost immediately, but for some reason I held out hope that I just needed to “break it in.” All I needed was some determination and grit!
Fast forward to summer 2015, and here I was, a 36-year-old man still sleeping on his Fisher-Price My First Mattress™. It had been thirteen years since I had welcomed this dreadful beast into my life, and never did it EVER break in. It would not be broken! The only thing broken was my spirit. Something needed to be done.
Back in 1995, I was an affable young man, newly minted with a driver’s license and terrorizing the quiet streets of Katonah, NY with my brand of cautious driving and leery lane changing. My vehicle of choice (or rather, the vehicle my parents let me drive) was a bright red Toyota Camry — one that I later took with me to college and then eventually to Los Angeles. Over that span of years, the Camry accumulated all sorts of charming mementos (aka trash), and when the poor car finally flunked out on a sweltering Van Nuys side street in 2006, I was faced with the daunting task of cleaning all the crap out.
Naturally, I shoved everything into a thin garbage bag and transferred it into the trunk of my shiny, new Camry — with the goal that I would go home that night and sift through the memories. Eight years later, I finally got around to it.
My friend Leah sent out a plea to Facebook this morning: how do I fold a fitted sheet? It’s been one of mankind’s most pressing questions, up there with “What’s the meaning of life?” and “Where have all the cowboys gone?” I mean, it’s a lowly linen. Surely it can be folded!
But the fitted sheet is the asshole of all sheets. It curls up, turns in on itself, and ultimately refuses to be tamed. Most people just ball it up into some puffy mess, maybe even going so far as to fashion that blob into a sloppy square of sorts. Let me tell you something: I’ve been there. But I have been enlightened. I now know how to fold a fitted sheet.
Like many people, I turned to YouTube to show me the light. There are dozens of videos on the subject, but all of them are confusing. They start off easy — put your hands in two corners and then fold one corner on top of another. Great! But then every. single. video just BREEZES through the next part, which is the trickiest part of all. The experts tell you to just “feel along the way” and place the next corner on your hand. Or tuck another corner into another corner. But which “way” do we feel upon? And what happens when your sheet has already turned into a jumbled, inside-out mess?
No need to panic at the disco. I have come up with a method that is simple and easy to follow, and I feel reasonably confident that my video explains everything clearly. It’s basically a variation on the corner-grabbing technique, except I use a flat surface to help out. I’m sure if you get really good at this version, you can probably fold the fitted sheet without ever having the place it on the floor or your bed. But for the rest of us, this will have to do.
Watch the video above, and let me know if it works for you. And if it’s still tricky, I’ll go and make another one! I just want to help the world with one of its problems. Help me help you (and the world).
Why should you follow me on Instagram? Because every now and then I do something stupid like the video above, which serves as my latest ode to Ina Garten. (The last few notes of the medley are frustratingly cut off. Use your imaginations…)
I know you’ve all been waiting on pins and needles to see the latest edition of #tomatodramz, and here it is. In this episode, Tara hatches a nefarious plan to turn Cyrus against Candice, but little does she realize she’s about to crush the dreams of one of her dearest friends…
Remember you can subscribe to the #tomatodramz YouTube channel here.
Is Vine dead? Not sure. I hope not. After all, it was Vine where I launched my impromptu video series, #tomatodramz. I posted the first “full-length” episodes last week on YouTube, but in case you never got around to checking out all the original Vine videos, I’ve happily uploaded them all to YouTube as well. In fact, you can view them in the handy-dandy playlist above. The bad news is that the videos don’t loop à la Vine. The good news is that they’re all right here in one place for your viewing pleasure (the pleasure is an assumption).
Since I know you’ve all been waiting on pins and needles to find out what could possibly happen next in the world of cherry tomatoes, here’s the latest episode in the #tomatodramz series.
Fun fact: there’s now a YouTube channel devoted to the #tomatodramz. Be sure to check it out and subscribe and all that fun stuff. It’s conveniently named http://www.youtube.com/user/Tomatodramz. Perhaps if I have the patience I’ll even upload all the Vine videos to the channel too.
(And if all this totally confuses you, the back story is that I started making little cherry tomato videos on Vine a few weeks ago and have now posted two “extended-length” episodes on YouTube. If you follow me on Vine — hint, hint — it will all make sense. Username: bsideblog)
Anyone who’s been following me on Vine (username: bsideblog) has perhaps seen my ongoing series, #tomatodramz, which follows the random exploits of three cherry tomatoes, one of whom — Candice — is perpetually a persona non grata in all activities. Why I make this videos is beyond me, but it’s the form my procrastination has taken, and as such, I’m rolling with it.
Nevertheless, while I do love the quick, six-second Vine format, I felt it was time to branch into the longform filmmaking of YouTube. Up above, behold the feature film debut of #tomatodramz.
For those of you wishing to see the backstory, I highly encourage you to download Vine and follow me @bsideblog (or at least look up the hashtag #tomatodramz on Twitter and follow the links there).
I did this once a few years ago, and I’ve decided to revisit the topic: cleaning my keyboard. You see, whenever the idea strikes me to clean my keyboard, my laptop is always on, and it’s so annoying to log out and turn the whole thing off so I can wipe down my keyboard. So instead I figured I’d share all the excitement of the cleaning with all of you. After the jump, check out all the wonderful keystrokes that occur when I clean my keyboard. Yay!