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Call the fun police! Today is Ina Garten's birthday, which means our favorite kitchen maven has most certainly arranged a splendid party for all her gays (and Jeffrey) in the Hamptons. Surely on the menu: an orange floral arrangement courtesy of Michael, a refined table arrangement (not tablescape) courtesy of Miguel, some good quality mustard slaw courtesy of Anna Pump, some fresh yet flawed meringues courtesy of Frank, a box of day-old Costco cookies from TR (that lazy bastard), and a bottle of prosecco and some attitude courtesy of Barbara Lieberman. On piano will be Susan Stroman (aka Stroh) and the cast of Young Frankenstein, who will be only more than happy to reprise their performance of "Nothing Could Be Finer Than To Be With Ina In The Moooorning" -- but that's mostly because they're all out of work and looking for a gig.

Luckily for them, opportunity might strike when Broadway alumnus and local neighbor Rob Marshall drops by in need of good cheer in the wake of Nine's poor critical reception. His frown will be turned upside down when Ina serves him a giant slice of pain perdue and then announces that it's time for Ask Ina. The next ten minutes will then consist of Ina bashing cilantro and raw fennel before suddenly closing her laptop and declaring "Well, I've answered every question there can be about THAT" -- even though there are still hundreds more questions in the wings, most of them from the Young Frankenstein cast, who know much about singing but little about cooking. Still, they'll be shamed into silence when Jeffrey chirps, "That was the best Ask Ina segment I've ever seen!" to which Ina will reply, "You always say that! How about some sorbet?" Jeffrey will nod his head excitedly (while Barbara Lieberman quietly mutters "I would have volunteered frozen yogurt"), and as Ina rises to fetch the frozen dessert, she'll deliver a firm warning: "Don't have fun without me!" Everyone agrees not to have fun, but they most certainly will -- except for one poor Young Frankenstein day player who'll be too busy avoiding TR's heavy-handed advances to be able to enjoy this party. All par for the course at the Barefoot Contessa's house!

Hope you have a wonderful day, Ina!

As many people in the New York tri-state region have come to discover, Cablevision has dropped the Food Network and HGTV from its cable lineup in the wake of a contract feud with the channels' parent company Scripps. This means that for the past week or so, consumers have been left with no Ina, no Giada, and no whatever it is they show on HGTV. My heart sincerely goes out to them because honestly, they've missed quite a bit. Not only did Michelle Obama turn up on an Iron Chef spectacular (which I didn't watch -- oops!), but there's been a whole host of new content that's worth noting.

Fear not though. I've conveniently detailed a list of the most important Food Network moments from today so you can feel like you've been watching along all this time. A full log after the jump.

As a friendly reminder, please don't forget to vote for jash's appetizer in Food2's latest contest. Today is the last full day for voting (polls close on Tuesday), and he's currently in second place by just a few votes. Help him win the competition. As an added bonus, if you vote for jash, you can see a picture of him AND Sly on the Food2 website. If that's not an incentive, I don't know what is.

Vote for jash here.

Once again, it is time for me to call upon my legion of readers to mobilize for the greater good of mankind. My old friend jash has entered into a contest and desperately needs your help in order to procure success. Here are the details: jash submitted to Food2's "Party App-titude Challenge" which invites users to send in their very own original appetizer recipe. Winners receive "a trip for 2 to New York for a tour of Food Network Kitchens, a year of Food Network Magazine and a chance to dine with Kelsey & Spike Cook star, Kelsey Nixon." Sounds pretty sweet.

But alas, poor jash needs some backup. His lovely entry, Crostini with Onion Compote & Brie, does not have the necessary votes to catapult him to the top. We must change this -- especially since jash's appetizer hails from a decidedly Ina Garten tradition of sophistication and refinement (as opposed to much of his competition, which speaks regrettably to a more Sandra Lee palate, if you know what I'm saying).

Anyway, to help jash attain the brass ring of Food2 glory, visit his entry here and cast your vote (the higher the rating, the better). I'm sure he would thank you for your time, despite being a noteworthy curmudgeon.

Ever want to throw a giant ham at Paula Deen's face? Of course not! She's so lovable (even when she is embarrassing America on her trips to Paris). Nevertheless, Paula took a ham to the face at some random event earlier this morning, and conveniently, cameras were there to capture it all! Fear not though -- despite being ushered away for proper care, Paula was just fine. And so was her husband, who seemed less concerned and more quietly disappointed.

For more details, check out the full article here. Thanks to B-Side Blog reader Cat for the link!

Next week, most Americans will be gathered around a table of some sort to celebrate Thanksgiving, and by "celebrate," I mean stuff their faces until a button or four pops off any variety of shirt, pants, blouse, or skort. And when it comes to gut-busting food, no one does it better than Ina Garten. That's why it was only logical that my clique would convene yet again for our third Barefoot Contessa potluck night, this time in honor of Thanksgiving. Yes, we assembled a small pre-Thanksgiving Thanksigiving and enjoyed some of Ina's best seasonal offerings. On the menu: turkey, stuffing, veggies, salad, pumpkin stuff, dip, and, of course, booze. How bad can that be?

If you're looking for inspiration for next week's big feast, you've come to the right place. Check out our Mayflower celebration -- replete with a real life American Indian! -- after the jump...

(additional pictures by jash -- ie. the ones that clearly came from a better camera)

So about five minutes ago, I turned on my TV, and as is wont to happen, I heard the audio first for about three seconds before the video came through. Almost immediately, I recognized the distinct singsong timber of Sandra Lee's voice as she assured the viewing audience that "this couldn't be any easier because THIS is a MICROWAVE dip!" Oh lord. What horrors awaited me?

Sure enough, the image came through, and I nearly jumped back in horror as Sandra stood there in full wicked witch regalia. Crazy costumes are nothing new for this wacky lady, but it was entirely way too jarring for me to handle. Of course, a morbid fascination then overtook me, and I rewound to the top of the episode to see what horrendous Halloween treats she'd be making.

A truly disgusting image after the jump.

Back in August, some of my posse convened at a friend's house to have an Ina Garten / Barefoot Contessa potluck dinner party. The results were excellent, and if memory serves me correctly (and it does), I practically had to be wheeled out of the house as all the food was so incredibly delicious that I simply could not restrain from eating it, despite physical limitations of my stomach. It didn't help that I gorged myself on hors d'oeuvres, and let's not talk about how rich all the food was. My gluttony be damned, the entire dinner went off without a hitch. Tasty, easy, fun — how could we not do it again.

And so we all reconvened this weekend, but things did not go as smoothly. There was smoke. There was fire. There were broken pans. And there was dog vomit. It all led up to one question: could Ina's food survive such adverse conditions? The results after the jump.

Sandra Lee certainly makes a lot of repulsive things, but her crowning achievements usually lie in the realm of dessert where her tacky confections often yield horrified faces across America. Well, conveniently, a blogger has compiled the top ten worst Sandra Lee desserts, and the list is a real doozy. Anyone who has followed Sandra Lee either here or elsewhere on the internet will not be surprised by the number one offending dish, but that doesn't make it any less fun. Definitely check it out.

Denver Westword: Sandra Lee's ten worst dessert disasters (thanks sisofjash)

What happens when six people put together an Ina Garten-themed potluck dinner on a Sunday night? They all roll away feeling like they never want to eat again for the rest of their lives. And that's a good thing. Yes, last Sunday, a few of my friends and I put on a Barefoot Contessa dinner party, and the results were stunning. Each one of us brought at least one dish, and I'll tell you right now, there was enough food to feed a small army (assuming one would want that small army to then be sluggish, moaning, and occasionally be prone to reiterating "THAT WAS SO GOOD"). Here's how it broke down: our hosts, Greg and Andrea, were in charge of the main course; Sly took on dessert; Jash was appetizers; Malibu Judie was cocktails; and I provided the side. Together, we formed a Voltron of culinary bliss, helped — no doubt — by the presence of GOOD ingredients.

Pictures of all that we created after the jump...

The Next Food Network Star upped its game last night by forcing its final three contestants to whip up a luxurious, "ultimate" three course dinner party for an imposing table of Food Network stars and celebrity chefs. It was a fairly daunting task, and while all three did a fine job, only two could move on. For the sake of ruining it for people on DVR delay, I'll refrain from saying anything more, but after the jump, I will weigh in with an opinion or two...

Last night, the cabal of judges known as Bob, Susie, and Bobby whittled the field of contestants on The Next Food Network Star down to just five potential superstars, and now that we're more than halfway through the show's run, I thought I'd check back in and see how our stars are progressing. Do we have a star in the making? Or is this season going to be a bust? Thoughts and ideas after the jump...

Yesterday, I received a new dutch oven (technically a risotto pot), and in honor of this new, formidable piece of equipment, I knew I just had to braise something. But what? Well, I turned on the television, and there was Tyler Florence whipping up a pot roast. I wouldn't say that it's my favorite meal of all time, but there was a certain element of kismet that I couldn't deny in watching TAHLAH (as I've called him ever since an old Asian woman on his show yelled out his name in similar fashion). Anyway, I went off to the store, bought a two pound chuck roast, some veggies, and got to work.

The results? Well, they're after the break.

Sometime last week, while I was procrastinating from my writing, I came across a fateful piece of information: Ina Garten, star of The Barefoot Contessa, would be doing a book signing here in the Los Angeles. In general, I'm not much of a book signing person, but I knew I this was one event I had to attend. When the day came, I hopped in my car, braved my way over to the yuppie-tastic West Side, and stood in line for two hours, all in the pursuit of a GOOD picture and autograph. The adventure, including two surprising celebrity cameos, after the jump.

This video speaks for itself. Quite nicely too, I might add.

This past weekend, the Food Network aired a brand new Semi Homemade Halloween special featuring our intrepid hostess Sandra Lee dressed in a variety of regal costumes as some sort of ode to the most memorable queens of history. As you can imagine, the results were eye-opening. You haven't lived until you've seen a busty Marie Antoinette preparing a pumpkin trifle.

Don't get too excited though. Sandy only had a half an hour of airtime, which meant that when it came to queens, there was no love for the likes of Elizabeth II, Liliuokalani, and of course, Bruce Vilanch (heeyyyoooh!!!). Still, there were plenty of ridiculous costumes, and I'm only too happy to share them with you here.

Pics from the special after the jump...

Starting tomorrow, the Food Network will be airing brand new episodes of The Barefoot Contessa, and in honor of this GOOD event, I've decided to rank my top ten "Ina-isms" — those familiar phrases Ina Garten employs time and time again, much to my continued entertainment. The best part about Ina-isms, however, is guessing when they'll pop up. Sure, words like "GOOD" are a dime a dozen, but don't act like you don't get excited when she cracks open an egg. Will there be perhaps a cautionary tale about BAD EGGS? You never know when you'll get one!

Anyway, the list of my favorite Ina-isms are after the jump...

Nothing's funnier than an unintentionally phallic moment, especially when it comes from the ever peppy Rachel Ray. On yesterday's episode of her talk show, our ever enthusiastic hostess welcomed a guest onto the program who revealed her very special way of removing corn silk. Needless to say, it was highly suggestive, and all of us with dirty minds instantaneously cackled. The only thing better would have been if she'd used some E.V.O.O. as lube.

And now I've gone too far.

Thanks to EdHill for bringing this clip to my attention. Yummo!

In all the excitement between Mad Men and Big Brother, I totally forgot about The Next Food Network Star, which anointed its winner on Sunday evening. Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled with the selection. If for some reason you haven't heard the results yet, stop reading now.

This is one of my favorite Barefoot Contessa openings, and not just because Ina Garten talks about the "Fun Police." No, it's the awkward wending and winding that makes it so special. It's like she's walking through her own WASPy version of Lombard Street. Unfortunately, poor Ina can't quite walk and talk at the same time; so she constantly looks down at her feet to watch her step, lest she tramples some bundle of herbs (much in the way she tramples Jeffrey's nautical dreams). Still, she's rarely this mobile in her opening sequences — usually opting for a squat, oddly framed shot instead — so I gotta give her props for trying. To quote her, "Let me tell you, I'M impressed."

Hello, fun police? We got a live one here!

God bless Sandra Lee. The woman has no taste whatsoever, and just in case you forgot how tacky she can get, take a glimpse at this intro from today's episode where she happily trumpets the use of decorative seahorses throughout her kitchen. It's a bit... much. I also like how after she points out the seahorses, the starfish, and the netting on her window, she notes, "You feel like you're underneath the sea!" Well, yeah, assuming the sea looked like a GOD-AWFUL KITCHEN.

Nevertheless, aside from all the hippocampine excess, there are plenty of other little nuggets in the clip, including the random Tyler Florence crunch in the beginning, Sandra's emphatic pronunciation of "avocado ceviche," and of course, the opening line, said with typical SanLee gusto: "Look at how beauuutiful MY kitchen is!"

Fun times indeed. Plus as a bonus for all you fellow Food Network Star fans, a new classic clip of judge Susie Fogelson after the jump.

It's July 4th weekend, and I think Ina Garten's got a message for all of us:

INDEED!

Grab your stamens of crocuses! Ina Garten has something to say about burnt cheese, and it's not kind. Check out the Barefoot Contessa video above to find out how she feels when her GOOD cheddar and GOOD gruyere get singed...

Great! She'll make lunch.

Ever since I saw the intro to this (GOOD) episode of Barefoot Contessa last year, it has ranked as one of my favorite Ina Garten moments. The combination of her WASPy sass and pleasant hospitality mixed with the images of her swabbing down a deck are too amazing to be denied. Plus, she makes mention of a tugboat. How bad can that be?

Just remember that if you view this while cooking, please be sure to use GOOD vanilla extract.

It's been a while since I checked in with one of my favorite Food Network personalities, Giada De Laurentiis; so I thought now would be as good a time as ever to see how's she's been doing. Today I turned on Everyday Italian mid-episode, and voila! It only took about three seconds before I started to laugh, and no, it wasn't because of her patented googly eyes and giant smile (although, they were pretty funny too). No, what made me chuckle the most was a random shot of Giada with — well, I don't want to ruin the surprise. A few images after the jump.

Thank God for Red Lasso. I just gained entry to their Beta, which means now I can easily post clips from the Food Network. What a glorious revelation. Why not kick things off with Sandra Lee who's baking CAAAAKE!!!

Guess which Barefoot Contessa regular is now modeling for the menswear department of Target? I'll give you a hint: it's not Jeffrey.

I'm a little under the weather; so rather than compose a full post, I thought I'd just assemble some good old fashioned lovable links.

• Rachel Ray suffers at the hands of a vengeful, silence-seeking waiter. [midseasonreplacements]


• The Hills guide to Los Angeles. [Gridskipper]


• The Monte Carlo Casino in Vegas has caught on fire. So yeah, don't go to the top floor. [LA Times]


• And because you want more crazy, here is the full 45 minute long, uncut version of the Tom Cruise Scientology video. I confess, I haven't endeavored to watch the whole thing yet. [Digg]

A few weeks ago, I noticed that Sandra Lee would be creating a Kwanzaa cake on her show, Semi-Homemade, and at the time I wrote that I couldn't imagine what sort of awful concoction she would smear together for this holiday disaster in waiting. Well, I've since seen her Kwanzaa creation with mine own eyes, and it was, to put it lightly, repulsive. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to write about this Food Network abomination, which is why I'm so delighted to see that sg-dub of Midseason Replacements has taken on Sandra Lee in a series of screencaps that are truly amazing. You guys don't understand how much I look forward to sg-dub's Food Network bits (especially when they lampoon stuff I've recently seen/vomited at). If you have no idea what I'm talking about, do yourself a favor and follow the link:

•AS-SALAAM-ALAIKUM, SANDRA LEESTEINBERG [Midseason Replacements]

"Happy Kwanzaa, black people.  From me and my breasts!"