Recently in Random Funny Stuff Category

My good friend IndianJones recently issued this challenge to me: "Are there any posts tagged 'death' and 'funny'? That would be more useful."

I assume he's talking about physical death, not metaphorical death (such as the one suffered by the New England Patriots' dreams after their near perfect but ultimately failed 2007 season). Well, the answer is yes, death can be funny. Take, for instance, the case of Betty Neumar, an old lady who just so happens to have killed ALL FIVE OF HER PREVIOUS HUSBANDS (allegedly) since the 1950s. What makes it funny? Well, the mugshot for starters. Also, the fact that I discovered the story in a Scandinavian newspaper makes it pretty awesome too. I especially like the headline, "Alle Bettys fem menn er døde..." (Anything with an "ø" warms my heart). Bonus points for the story taking place in Albemarle, previously best known as the hometown of Kellie Pickler.

So there.

For more information on the curious case of Betty Neumar, click here. And to see the Scandinavian take, click here.

Lenny Stals takes a ride in the Mushroom Kingdom

In one of the stranger investigative reports that surfaced this weekend, The Feed writes that Nintendo has banned the name "Hitler" from being used in its online Mario Kart Wii universe, noting that perhaps a ranting, anti-Semitic, fascist mass-murderer might not totally mix with the more affable personalities of Mario, Luigi, and, of course, Toadette. Nevertheless, that didn't stop the good people at G4 from testing the limits of Nintendo's iron fist as they tried to go online with equally, if not more, horrendous dictators and terrorists. Long story short: Pol Pot is a master of the Moo Moo Meadows.

Get the full story here.

When it comes to Southern drawls, twangs, and everything in between, it's hard to top Sheila Kennedy from Big Brother 9. However, leave it to NPR's All Things Considered, champion of the rural human interest story, to dig up quite simply the twangiest dialect this side of Tammy Wynette. In fact, it's so twangy that it's hard not to think that we're listening to some sort of flaming back-country dandy farce.

But we're not. No, the verging-on-cartoony voice comes from Gary Linderman, a resident of Picher, Oklahoma. He believes his town is still worth living in, despite the "mountains" of toxic lead that litter the horizon and the hazardous underground mines that threaten to collapse at any minute. Making things worse, a recent tornado devastated over a hundred homes in the town, leaving most of Picher in utter ruin. The situation is so bad, the government is paying people to simply move out. But that won't be happening anytime soon, not if Gary Linderman has anything to say about it. Hearing his town pride in the face of tornados, sinkholes, and poisonous waste is hilariously amazing. I'm shocked the anchor is able to get through the entire interview without laughing. I know I can't, especially after Gary first says "tayowwwwn" and "sawftbaaawwwwls." Classic.

The full, twangy interview (replete with several charmingly yokel observations) can be found here (Click on the "Listen Now" link once you reach the page). It's worth it.

I just stumbled upon this article in Yahoo's "Oddly Enough" news department, and while I'm sure it's supposed to be amusing and heartwarming, I just found it troubling and sad. Okay, and amusing too. Basically, in 2006, a black swan named Petra fell in love with a paddleboat that resembles — you guessed it — a giant swan (a white one, to be specific). The two have been inseparable ever since. Well, almost inseparable. You see, Petra and her hunky boyfriend / boat were relocated to a local zoo where they've lived a storybook romance... until last week when a real life white swan entered the picture. This new suitor introduced Petra to the pleasures of the flesh, and soon, the old boat was given the heave-ho. At last, it seemed like Petra would be moving on from her awkward Lars and the Real Girl phase.

But in an inevitable twist, Petra's handsome new paramour up and left her to seek out the company of other black swans. When asked for a comment, the white swan merely stated, "Crazy bitch told me she spent the past two years dating a boat. A boat. That's just fucked up. I don't want my cygnets being dumb as rocks. Peace out, swan bitch."

Anyway, since being left at the proverbial altar, Petra has been visibly agitated, to the point where zookeepers fret that she's experiencing intense loneliness. Personally, I think she's just coming to the realization that she's a batshit loco swan who'll never live up to her mother's unreasonable expectations. The good news for her though was that on Friday, she was reunited with her inanimate boat lover, and thus her long-standing romance could resume. I guess it's sort of sweet and cute — until you realize how sadly delusional this bird is. [me whispering: psycho!]

For more on this kind of pathetic bird, click here.

Earlier today, I was looking at a picture of Abigail Breslin on Best Week Ever, and for some reason, her face struck me as being particularly Juliette Binoche-ish. I couldn't help wondering if it was just me, or if their faces were truly interchangeable. I busted out the Photoshop, and ten minutes later, I had the bizarre results.

Photos after the jump:

Last week, the above clip was featured on Digg and quickly became a viral hit. It's not the funniest video in the world and I still can't decide if it's fake or not, but I laughed anyway. The reason: it's in German. Yes, I've recently concluded that everything seems funnier when it's in German (unless, you know, it's archival footage from World War II), and this video is no exception. After watching it, I decided I needed to see more Teutonic craziness. So in an effort to find similarly amusing videos, I plundered the world of YouTube and came up with several notable clips — most of which are musical. I won't be so brazen as to call these the top German YouTube offerings of all time (because I've hardly scratched the surface), but I will, however, say that these videos are more or less hilarious.

I'd like to think that thirty years of a monastic lifestyle would help some people's karmic footprint, but in the case of Buddhist monk Reverend Seiji Handa, Nirvana is still a way off. The ill-fated religious man was unceremoniously killed by a runaway lawnmower, leaving all to wonder what this guy must have done to have received that nasty bit of karma. I mean, the guy was a monk. A monk! And he wound up dying like this? In a gruesome freak accident? I don't want to start rumors, but I think that someone must have cheated death on an airplane/highway/roller coaster. Am I right, Ali Larter?

• Runaway lawnmower kills Japanese Buddhist monk [Yahoo News]

When it comes to fascinating confessions, very few can top the latest divulgence from Los Angeles Times food critic, S. Irene Virbila. She writes today that despite a bleak childhood seemingly spent entirely at the ironing board, she has since found inner-peace by turning a once gloomy chore into an act of self-meditation. Her secret: she gives herself over to the all-healing powers of napkin ironing. Sure to be the hottest trend since aroma therapy, The Virbs unabashedly endorses this humble act of housecleaning, saying, "Somehow I find the act of smoothing those cloth squares with the hot iron oddly soothing."

To be fair, S. Irene wasn't always such an ironing fiend, but still, her penchant for all things serviette-related goes back a self-professed twenty years to the times when, as a young women, she'd troll the brocantes of Alsace, plucking out napkin sets with the reckless abandon of a junkie in search of a sweet, sweet fix. However, even after pillaging countless flea markets and sundry linen stores, S. Irene still only used the humble paper napkin at home, relegating her prized cloth napkins to a dusty drawer where they'd remain until a special occasion (ie. a fireside indulgence of caviar and buckwheat blinis). Then one day, S. Irene's sinful friend Mary led her down the rabbit hole of everyday cloth napkin usage, and the intrepid food reporter has never been the same since. In no time, S. Irene picked up her worrisome napkin ironing habit, and now it seems there's no turning back. "Such a daily pleasure," she writes. Fun.

• Napkins [Daily Dish]

Here's something to brighten your dreary afternoon. My friend Michelle hit up the Westminster Dog Show this weekend and filmed her exploits for Best Week Ever. The results are highly amusing. Or rather, if you're looking for an unfunny video, you're barking up the wrong tree. Ha, I kill me.

I like to think I have a highly evolved and mature sense of humor, but then I watch a video of an old lady getting hit in the face, and all delusions of sophistication dissolve in a fit of involuntary laughter. The backstory is that I came home from dinner last night, and when I turned on the TV, NBC was playing some dumb blooper special. I didn't even know what it was. All I saw was this woman on my screen giving a speech when suddenly the dreaded (read: hi-larious) accident occurred. Seriously, my friend and I watched this moment over and over again about fifty times, and somehow, it just got funnier. I really hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

Click to see search results.

Here's a curious bit of news. For whatever reason, a Google search for the words "comparing hillary and obama" places this site at #6 in the results. Huh? That's right, as of press time, I'm ranked higher than The New York Times, CBS News and The Huffington Post, to name a few. This can't be good for the state of America. After all, do we really need thousands of prospective voters coming to me for political insight? I BLOG ABOUT CANDY AND COUGARS. Then again, it would be refreshing to see Cadbury Creme Eggs get the political attention they always deserved.

Nevertheless, I am not complaining at all. I love the traffic. I want the traffic. I need the traffic. So, by all means, if you found this site through some unfortunate political sleuthing, I say welcome and enjoy (and don't worry, I do blog about more than candy and cougars).

And for those of you wishing to see the post that's drawing the attention, click here.

What's Super Tuesday without some super thong action to go with it. Here, courtesy of A Socialite's Life are the photos you've been dying for: John Mayer jogging in a Borat-esque, unitard-thong contraption (kind of NSFW, depending on how puritanical your employers are). Also worth checking out is Best Week Ever's coverage of "The Mayercraft Carrier" extravaganza from which these photos sprung forth.

• John Mayer Sports a Borat-Style, Butt-Floss Bathing Suit [A Socialite's Life]

• Best Week Ever's Mayercraft Carrier Coverage [BWE]

Some of you may have seen this already, but I thought I'd post it again just for the hell of it. About five years ago (oy), my friend Dan and I stumbled upon a massive anti-war demonstration in the heart of Hollywood the day before the Oscars. Luckily, we had a video camera with us, and so we happily documented the goings-on, thinking that we might just edit the footage together into a compelling five-minute video about, well, I don't know. Activism, maybe? Of course, it only took about two minutes of tinkering with Final Cut Pro before we decided to scrap the earnest filmmaking and instead attempt to make the shoddiest, most awful video in our power. Out went the plodding score, and in came Mike and the Mechanics. The rest just followed suit.

Most people will probably be scratching their heads at his, but I don't know —  it makes me crack up every time.

I'm a little under the weather; so rather than compose a full post, I thought I'd just assemble some good old fashioned lovable links.

• Rachel Ray suffers at the hands of a vengeful, silence-seeking waiter. [midseasonreplacements]


• The Hills guide to Los Angeles. [Gridskipper]


• The Monte Carlo Casino in Vegas has caught on fire. So yeah, don't go to the top floor. [LA Times]


• And because you want more crazy, here is the full 45 minute long, uncut version of the Tom Cruise Scientology video. I confess, I haven't endeavored to watch the whole thing yet. [Digg]

According to the Live Mega Doppler 7000 on Los Angeles's reputable local ABC affiliate, KABC, we're in for quite the temperature spike on Sunday. Highs are going to hit 100 degrees in parts of Los Angeles, but that won't stop the snow. Why? Because snow in Los Angeles is MAGICAL!

(via Franklin Avenue Blog)

(via I Can Has Cheezburger)

I was a little bored today; so I decided to make a trailer mash-up of the upcoming Katherine Heigl film, 27 Dresses. I don't want to give away too much more than that, but for those of you who know me, this is the video I've been aching to make ever since I first got into blogging nearly four years ago. Enjoy.

"HONK!" If You Love Children's Theater

AND HOW! There's so much to love about this random, little blog post (which admittedly was published last July). There's the utterly unabashed, un-ironic enthusiasm of its headline; there's the ebullient comment of one Cookie Kubarek who writes "HONK! HONK!! HONK!!!" (note the steadily increasing use of exclamation points); there's the blog author who includes a dictionary link for the word "kvelling" (oy!); there's the fact that this production is actually called Honk!; and then there's the photo of our young, honk-worthy stars reaching a crescendo of music and emotion, as evidenced by their outstretched arms and open mouths. I particularly like the one kid in the glasses whose lack of theatrical rapture suggests that maybe he was foisted on this production by an over-eager stage mother (a stark contrast to the short boy on the right, who's clearly already in line for the next Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat audition).

If this post doesn't satisfy your sweet tooth, be sure to check out the rest of The Falls Village Blog, a hokey corner of the web that bills itself as "News, Gossip, and Opinion from Connecticut's Brigadoon." Yes, it's the ultimate small-town blog, boasting aggressively quaint pictures of frolicking children, old-fashioned fire trucks, and the ever so chic Country Couture fashion line, housed at Robin and Allen Cockerline's Whippoorwill Farm (I'm not making this up). The site is truly something out of a Norman Rockwell painting, which means it'll only be a matter of time before a some horrific scandal rocks its world. You know, like a black person moving to town.

Nevertheless, HONK! if you agree with me.

• "Honk!" If You Love Children's Theater [The Falls Village Blog]

In an icky story sure to give you the heeby-jeebies, a British newlywed couple discovered why they make such a natural, complementary pair: they're actually twins separated at birth. Party foul! Yes, the two anonymous siblings married, unaware of their shared genetic design until after they had swapped rings (and who knows what else). Of course, there were warning signs all along, most notably the bride's wedding vow, which stated, "You're more than a lover to me. You're like a brother." To which the groom replied, "Sometimes I feel almost as if we were two zygotes in the same woman's uterus." They then both laughed and said, "Well thank God THAT'S not the case! Give us a kiss, luv!" Nevertheless, the couple have already had their marriage annulled, and surely after a healthy bout of vomiting and therapy, they'll be back on the dating scene soon enough.

• Separated-at-birth twins get married [Yahoo News]

And for those of you wondering what the offspring of this sibling duo would have looked like, we have a projected image after the jump...

One of my favorite writers in the blogosphere is none other than S. Irene Virbila, the Los Angeles Times's head food critic. Her reviews are known for their brutal honesty ("It may be all right for a drink, but the confusing concept, lame cooking and general ineptness make Hidden a no-go zone for anybody who cares about food.") and their terse, understated outbursts of approval. ("Fun.") Personally, I love reading them. But what's even better are S. Irene's occasional posts to the LAT's food blog, Daily Dish. Her recent New Years entry, a lush glimpse into her world of fireside caviar binges and Provencal daubes, was an instant classic, but now, it seems as though The Virbs may have outdone herself.

In today's Daily Dish, Virbila extols the virtues of spices, specifically those which boast a certain tactile interactivity:

AND HOW! Who hasn't felt the toe-curling, orgasmic thrill of a well-employed microplane? The Virbs then goes on to explain her unorthodox method of keeping her spices unlabeled, thus allowing her to revel in the whimsical joys of sniffing out her unknown quarry. To some readers, this might reek of highfalutin, esoteric crap. To me, it's glorious.

•New Spices for a New Year [Los Angeles Times]

Click for full size

Sooooo Pakistan is on the verge of total chaos in the wake of Benazir Bhutto's tragic assassination, but fear not! According to CNN, it's time for parties! Yes, in an unfortunately juxtaposed bit of luck, the webmaster at CNN.com placed the headline "Time for Resolutions, Parties" smack in the middle of their Bhutto coverage, creating a somewhat discordant tone on their page. As important as it is for us to know about New Year's Live With Anderson Cooper, something tells me a more effective location for this promo would be, you know, NOT under the photo of a dead woman.

WELCOME. One of my favorite viral video stars, Brenda Dickson, is back with a very special Holiday Greeting for the world. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you may need to do some light but highly entertaining research. Brenda was a soap actress in the '80s, and with her fame expanding to the upper reaches of the stratosphere, she released an informative lifestyle home video that taught people how to dress, act, eat, and exercise like a star (ostrich feathers, anyone?). Twenty years later, that video has resurfaced, as well as a series of laugh-out-loud parodies. If you've never seen them, I've included all the essential clips after the jump. They'll be worth your time. If you have seen them, then enjoy the holiday message. Now get the hell out of here!