REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: A Mad Tea-Party

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Major drama on last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Tensions between Lisa and Taylor finally bubbled over after the latter neglected to invite the former to a luncheon. Yes, Taylor made the passive-aggressive move to invite everyone to a luncheon except for Lisa, and wouldn’t you know it? Ms. VanderPump happened to call Kyle right as she was walking up to the event, and sure enough, Kyle spilled the beans. What are the odds that the producers insisted that Lisa place her call right at that moment?

Nevertheless, Taylor explained to the ladies that she didn’t invite Lisa because she didn’t want to face her judgments and sarcastic remarks. I suppose I could somewhat understand the rationale, but at the same time, if Taylor was going to invite everyone BUT Lisa, the gesture veers from self-empowerment to cattiness. As luck would have it, Lisa invited all the women over for the tea the next day. Surely nothing at a tea party could ever get uncivilised, yes?

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: Night of Beauty, Seances

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There are two things that every cast member on any Real Housewives excels at: getting cosmetic procedures and interacting with the dead. Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills gave us all that and more! The first half of the show focused on an open-house of sorts at Paul’s practice. He invited the ladies to show up and enjoy various non-surgical procedures in what was amusingly dubbed “Paul’s Night of Beauty.” It was rather similar to what I call Ben’s Night of Beauty, except that instead of tightening up my body with lasers and needles, I just sit around and eat chocolate-covered almonds.

Anyway, we spent entirely way too much time at Paul’s Night of Beauty (or P-NOB), but it wasn’t all for naught. We learned some important things. For instance, the reason why Kim has been acting so erratic and intoxicated is because she’s apparently mixing three different medications, all of which have scary names full of “-one” and “-ox” sounds. It seemed like a rather logical culprit for her behavior; although, I’m not sure the crystal meth conspiracy theorists will be sated.

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: Finding Love Isn’t Kim-possible

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I’m baaaack! Sorry everyone that I disappeared for a week. Two non-blogging projects wound up in my lap, and long story short, I really had no time for blogging (let alone several other vital aspects of my life like working out, three meals a deal, and on occasion hygiene). Luckily, my personal bottleneck of activity has passed, which means I can get back to doing what I do best: writing withering comments about people I don’t know. MEOW. Wait, did I just meow myself? Clearly I’m a little rusty.

Anyway, let’s hop in the time machine and go back seven days to the most recent Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, which presented us with the creepy season debut of Russell Armstrong as well as the extravagant engagement party for Pandora held by gazillionaire Mohamed. It was all sort of crazy and over-the-top and… okay, let’s skip this all and get to the real buzzworthy part of the episode.

WHO IS HE?

I’m talking, of course, about Kim’s secret boyfriend Ken, who made a glamourous splash late in the episode. I don’t really like to rail on people’s physical qualities (especially those that can’t be changed), and I think it would be disingenuous of me to mock Ken based purely on his appearance when I’ve taken Kyle Richards to task for being similarly judgmental of people like Brandi… but… let’s just say that Ken is… well… his face has a lot of character. And by character, I’m specifically referencing the likes of Gargamel. Or perhaps an Angry Bird. Or maybe even some bastard love child spawned by Gargamel AND an Angry Bird. The point is that I’m sure Ken is a lovely guy, but when it comes to looks, I think we’ll just keep our eyes trained on Mauricio.

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: Spa Day Leads to Relaxation, Anxiety

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Game Night may be over on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but yesterday we were introduced to Spa Day, which had all the ladies gathering at Adrienne’s manse for an afternoon of pampering and indulgence. Oh, and some extraordinary tension. You see, this was the first time that Brandi and Kim would be seeing each other since the infamous Game Night, and as you can imagine, the drama wasn’t quite water under the bridge.

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: Crystal Clear Accusations

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Reality TV has given us some great, nonsensical insults: “prostitution whore,” “whore pit viper,” and now “slut pig,” courtesy of Kim Richards. Yes, the scrappy, oft incoherent former child star continued her screed against Brandi Glanville on last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and it was just as catty as we could have hoped. I mean, how could it not be? When we left Game Night last week, things were looking pretty bad as the sisters Richards pointed their fingers in Brandi’s face and called her a “Goddamn BITCH.” Now, I have to admit that I’m pretty much on Team Brandi at this point, but if there’s anything that could cause me to switch sides, it’s Kim’s vaguely cowgirl way of attacking Brandi. She sort of puts on hand on her hip, points with the other, and does this little swagger thing that looks more appropriate for a dusty Texas saloon than anything else.

It was with that awkward, yeehaw delivery that Kim later delivered her new trademark insult, “YOU’RE A SLUT PIG.” Well done, Kim. You’re in the wrong, but well-done. What had riled Kim up so intensely was that Brandi had accused her of doing crystal meth in the bathroom. I suppose it was a pretty harsh accusation, but it didn’t really faze me as this was hardly the first time such a theory has been raised in regards to Kim. Well, all the women were in shock, particularly Taylor who opened her mouth so large I thought that perhaps a turkey might come flying out (not that there’s any room for a whole turkey in that stick figure body of hers).

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: Let The Games Begin!

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We’ve had “The Last Supper.” We’ve had “The Dinner Party from Hell.” And now Bravo has introduced us to GAME NIGHT, which wasn’t nearly as full of the merriment and whimsey as the name implies. Don’t get me wrong — it was crazy fun for the us, the audience. I’m not so sure the same could be said of the participants in this utter disaster. Yes, it was another soiree gone awry on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and once again I’m left loving this trainwreck combination of women.

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS: Cocky Gestures

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There are two new women — not official housewives, mind you — on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and already they’re making waves. Last week, we met Brandi Glanville, who I thought would be a bitch on crutches, but I have to say she’s not the worst. Sure, she’s a bit rough around the edges, and sure, she certainly seems quite jaded from her fiasco of a marriage to Eddie Cibrian, but all in all, we haven’t really seen her do anything terribly horrific aside from a lightly obnoxious comment here and there — nothing worse than what any of the other women say on a day to day basis. However, if you were to ask the other ladies, Brandi is a whore slut bitch, who deserves to fall into a pit of fire and vipers. I guess we all have our different perspectives.

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: Flying High; Also, Meet Brandi

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I’m currently writing this photocap from aboard a plane, which I suppose is appropriate given the noteworthy flight Adrienne Maloof took on the latest episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. As you may remember, the multi-millionaire was off to Sacramento to see the final game of the Kings’ season (and perhaps tenure in the city), and for whatever reason, Adrienne had decided to invite the loopiest cast mate of all: Kim Richards. Well, Kim was late due to some sort of power outage that left her struggling to do her hair, let alone see her hand in front of her face. Never mind that it was pure daylight outside. Kim apparently lives in a dark cave somewhere deep in the Santa Monica mountains.

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: Unpacking Taylor’s Emotional Baggage

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What’s better than one erratic, emotional breakdown? Two erratic emotional breakdowns! Yes, we had all sorts of instability on last night’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. First, we resumed with Taylor, who when we last saw her was bawling her tight little eyes out in a jacuzzi with Kyle Richards. Between the altitude, the bubbles, and the bubbly, she had found herself three (or perhaps thirty-three) sheets to the wind. I had merely thought she was simply emotional, but as we soon learned, Taylor was in a good ol’ fashioned downward spiral. Yay!

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: The Ladies Go Downhill

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills traded in the sunny shores of California for the snowy peaks of Colorado last night as the women all headed east for a weekend at Camille’s mountain home. As you can imagine, this led to our first triumphant ski-bunny montage in the history of the Housewives, but sadly, there were no bloopers in the pow-pow as all five of the “creaky beavers,” as Lisa called them survived the slopes at Beaver Creek.

Just because no one face planted in the snow (as I surely would have) didn’t mean we were lacking in entertainment. There were plenty of petty attacks and confrontations to keep the show moving, ultimately ending in yet another sad Taylor Armstrong moment that unfortunately foreshadows her husband’s terrible fate. Oy.

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