Hot in Cleveland just got a lot colder with the arrival of Heather Dubrow on this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County. Yes, the former sitcom star (or perhaps appear-er) made her triumphant return to THE STAGE with a guest role on the TV Land sitcom seemingly tailored for her. Heather played some lady who was hellbent on landing a gig on The Real Housewives of Tampa, which of course is fictional — and yet I’d watch it.
Nevertheless, the whole gang headed up to LA for the second week in a row. This is like when black bears invade suburbia and everyone panics. I truly fear an infestation. Maybe we should erect a fence on the Orange Couny line. Sounds cruel, but you know 75% of the county voted to barricade Mexico; so they should be fine with it.
Anyway, Heather did just fine in her guest gig, and in the end, all was well with her and Terry (not to mention Vicki and Tamra, who seemed to lightly bury the hatch). In other news, Lauri Waring Peterson emerged from her money crypt to tell Tamra that she didn’t like Vicki anymore. Slade, meanwhile, surprised Gretchen with a very special birthday present: a new Rolls-Royce! And wait, there was a second surprise: Gretchen would have to pay for it! Oh, and a third surprise: it’s only a lease! Gentleman of the year!
I never trust entrepreneurial endeavors spawned from The Real Housewives (although, I did enjoy Ramona Pinot Grigio). However, I always enjoy their ridiculousness. Nothing will ever top Sonja’s mystery toaster oven, and few will be as iconic as She By Shereé. However, in a world where Cafface, Gretchen Christine Beauté, and Gigi’s Extensions are a thing (and yes, I realize that’s from Shahs of Sunset), one shouldn’t be surprised that we now have both Wine By Wives AND Vicki’s Vodka. The latter business hails from Vicki Gunvalson of The Real Housewives of Orange County, and call me crazy, but I never realized vodka was her “thing.” I mean, at least Ramona Pinot Grigio stemmed from Ramona’s much documented love of Pinot. Vicki’s Vodka seems to only be a curious biproduct of alliteration. It’s as if Vicki merely scanned a list of consumer goods starting with “V” and chose her favorite option. This leads me to believe that Vicki’s Veal is just around the corner, perhaps to be followed by Vicki’s Violin Repair or maybe Vicki’s Vaginal Rejuvenation.
Nevertheless, most of the cast headed up to Malibu for some wine tasting because, as Tamra explained, Napa and Temecula were so played out. Yes, the last thing we need is more Temecula dominance of the wine scene, am I right? Listen, I’ve been to wine tastings in Temecula. It’s certainly scenic. But the wine is shit. I mean, imagine a bunch of wineries run by Jim Bellino. That’s what Temecula wine country is. I swear to God, one of the wineries I went to was so overrun by gargoyles and griffins that I immediately turned around and left (opting for the “classier” European “village” just up the hill. Yes, a lot of air quotes, but this is Temecula we’re talking about. If you don’t use air quotes, then you have a problem).
Not much happened on the latest episode of Real Housewives of Orange County. We met Lydia’s kooky mom, who might actually be the first mother on these shows to be more age-appropriate as a cast-member than her actual daughter. A former hippie turned fairy dust enthusiast, Lydia’s mom was definitely something of a character, and interestingly enough, she actual shed some light on Lydia’s personality. It turns out this woman spent the majority of her life stoned, and because of that, Lydia sought structure in religion. Dare I say it was a nearly fascinating revelation? Maybe that’s going too far. Nevertheless, I find Lydia’s brand of devoutness to be far more informed than Alexis’s, which doesn’t seem to stem from curiosity but rather what Jim has ordered her to believe.
In other news, Heather continues to rebrand herself as the most humorless cast member on the show. After having landed a role on Hot in Cleveland, she went out to dinner with her fam and then proceeded to pick a fight with her husband, which she then promptly blamed on him. I’m not sure that Heather has as much of a stick up her ass as a giant, corinthian column from the Parthenon. She’s making me hate her, and I always liked her. Stop it! (Meanwhile, I’m loving Lydia).
CUT Fitness is off to a great start! Yes, The Real Housewives of Orange County put the fit in fitness this week when Tamra had a disastrous launch event of sorts in the future home of her exercise studio. The problems began when Vicki asked if she could invite Tamra’s new arch-nemesis Alexis to the event, and claiming to be caught off guard, Tamra had said yes. Well, she soon regretted her decision to allow Jesus Jugs into her facility, and perhaps for good reason. It wasn’t long before Alexis began squawking about feeling “boolied,” a term that sent smoke out of the ears of Tamra, Gretchen, and Heather. This inevitably led to screaming, pointing, and Tamra’s much publicized ejection of Lady Bellino. It was certainly an explosive end to an episode, but just as noteworthy was the awkward and tense build up, which featured the women sitting around on couches, barely containing their rage. Basically, we were one Andy Cohen short of an actual reunion.
At least we had Lydia, who sweetly attempted to spur on some light conversation, but her attempts were thwarted by Gretchen, who replied with curt, bitchy remarks (usually supported by a nasty glare from Heather and Tamra). It was awful. And yet… awesome. This was one warehouse party I could defiitely get behind.
Well, it’s springtime, which means one thing: allergies. And who better to personify itchy eyes and stuffy noses than The Real Housewives of Orange County. Yes, our favorite trashy blondes are back, and this time we have a new face: Vicki’s! The grand doyenne of housewifes has plumped up her chin, adjusted her eyes, and generally moved her face into a vaguely Joan-van-Ark territory (with a dash of Mickey Rourke). To Vicki’s credit though, she’s been totally upfront and proud of her surgery; so I really can’t ding her too much… even if she does leave me with horrific nightmares.
As for other new faces, we met also Lydia McLaughlin — an airy, seemingly sweet and goofy Christian girl with a handsome husband and a voice that would grate Jennifer Tilly. The jury’s still out on whether or not she’s awful, but so far, Lydia appears to be generally harmless. I mean all we really know about her is that she likes boats, lemon drops, and Jesus. And she seems to have the motor skills of one of those dashboard hula dancers. Nevertheless, I’m sure she’ll turn into a monster (just look at Heather, who has blossomed into an insufferable shrew in her second season).
The Real Housewives of Orange County was a veritable smorgasbord of dumb drama last night, and that’s usually the way it goes with these flaxen bitches, who perennially rally to give us the craziest season finales year after year. Last week, Earth nearly came to a halt when it was discovered that resident drunkard / swamp person Sarah had broken off a bow from Heather’s expensive cake. The fondant fiasco continued this week into part two this of the finale when Sarah tromped her way into a kitchen and attempted to plead her case again, still incredulous that her penchant for grazing on sugary playthings had caused such offense.
Oh mah gah. What a silly, spectacular way to kick off the Real Housewives of Orange County finale. I could talk about all the bizarre things like the return of Jeana, Slade’s weird turtleneck, Vicki’s new granny-tranny fur, and the Barney-Keough peace treaty of 2012, but let’s be honest: we only care about one thing and one thing only.
At the end of the day, the only thing people are really going to be talking about is that idiot drunkard Sarah and her flagrant fondant sabotage. In case you missed it, the girl snapped a piece of fondant bow off Heather’s fancy cake, and being the control-freak (and subscriber to basic etiquette) that she is, Heather freaked out. Honestly, I would have been mad too. If you shell out $5,000 for a cake, you don’t want some uninvited alky pickin’ away at your money’s worth.
Heather tried to play it cool at first, but leave it to trashy Tamra Barney to push the confrontation. She dragged the glassy-eyed Sarah over to the group and asked her if she’d eaten some of the bow. Sarah said she did, and then unapologetically lashed out at Heather, who at first politely expressed disdain for the act.
I suppose the Real Housewives of Orange County will be wrapping up in the next few weeks because we’re already at the group trip that almost always signals the home stretch of every season. This year, the ladies headed down to Costa Rica for a five-day excursion — or rather, a two day jaunt in Alexis’s case. The poor girl probably thought Costa Rica was a spa in Laguna Hills, which perhaps explains why she volunteered to travel down there for a scant two days. Of course, there’s also the distinct possibility she merely confused Costa Rica with Costa Mesa (also in Orange County), but at the end of the day, one truth remains: she still thinks she’s in Mexico.
Bravo is a cruel, cruel network. After relentlessly teasing us with Gretchen’s impending Pussycat Dolls performance — something we actually don’t care about AT ALL — it seemed like it was finally time for the flaxen thrush to belt out “Fever” for us on last night’s Real Housewives of Orange County. But no. In classic Bravo fashion, they led us to the edge and then ended the episode. Normally, this would be considered a cliffhanger, but considering that no one has any personal investment in Gretchen’s singing career, let alone her debut in a Las Vegas lounge, I can say authoritatively that I will not be on pins and needles for the next six days wondering just what will happen. And quite frankly, if that soaring, hideous note from the previews is any indications, it doesn’t appear as though Gretchen will be filling the void left by Whitney Houston.