I haven’t posted about the Jersey Shore kids in a few weeks, but I can assure you that you’ve missed nothing. Sure, there was a car accident, and sure there were sapphic moments aplenty, but all in all, this season has been a little dull. I think it’s time to send this bunch of hooligans back to Jersey; I can’t imagine that Italy would complain. Over the past two weeks alone, these kids have been so embarrassing that I’m sure right now the Italians are saying, “You know, that Amanda Knox ain’t so bad.”
At the center of all the boozy activity has been Snooki. Two episodes ago, she and Deena went on a brutal bender that had them falling into bushes, dancing out of their britches, flashing their vags, and crawling into bed together for some “Lez-be-honest” activity, as Pauly D would say. They were a total mess, and I couldn’t fault the rest of the cast for being fed up with them. Side note: amidst this drunkenness, I did enjoy Pauly D taking a moment to observe that Ronnie always tries to steal his shtick (swagger jacking, or “swacking”). I’ve noticed this for a while now, and I wondered if I had been the only one. Apparently not. Reason #347 why Ronnie sucks.
Oh lucky us: we the TV viewers nabbed two episodes of Jersey Shore this week, and guess what? They all centered around the perpetual drama swirling around Ronnie and Sammi. For some reason I thought maybe, just maybe the two idiots wouldn’t knock boots again, but I should have known better / remembered the previews for the season. Yes, the lovebirds managed to enjoy all of about 36 hours in reunited bliss before all hell broke out in Florence. At the end of the day, tears were shed, roses trashed, and ambulances summoned.
Warning: epically long Sam & Ronnie dissection after the jump….
SPOILER ALERT: Ronnie and Sammi are back together! That’s right: reality TV’s most dysfunctional, unlikable, and messy couple has reunited for the umpteenth time, despite previous proclamations of proud singlehood and steadfast independence. I can’t say I was terribly surprised by these developments on Jersey Shore. After all, Sammi is too decimated in the self-esteem department to move on, and Ronnie… well, I don’t know why Ronnie keeps going back to Sammi. I guess you can chalk it up to love. Or at least co-dependency. Or how about this: outright idiocy.
Not much happened on the latest episode of Jersey Shore, and what did happen felt all too familiar. Deena fell over. Ronnie got wasted. Sammi realized she still loved Ronnie. Deena fell over again. Situation got a blowjob. Deena fell a third time. Ronnie fell. Sammi fell. And J-Woww made coffee in the most unconventional of ways.
Along this journey, the kids learned how to make pizza and then erroneously referred to the Basilica di Santa Maria del Fiore as the Vatican. Tsk tsk. Know your Pope!
Our favorite gelled up, boob-inflated mooks from Seaside Heights returned late last week with the rousing season premiere of Jersey Shore. This time, the gang headed East to the motherland, Italy, for some back-to-roots boozing and bacchanalia. I wasn’t sure how the rather refined locale of Florence would work on this decidedly low-market show, but so far, it seems to be okay. I mean, I prefer to see the Guidos in their own element, but given that MTV needs to film these kids during the beach off-season, Italy seems like at the very least a fascinating experiment.
I was afraid the Jersey Shore season four move to Italy would be lame, but if this trailer is any indication, we’ve got plenty of fun drama coming our way. Here’s what we can glean from it:
Everyone’s hair is a little different. Not drastically, but enough that it makes you do the Neo-seeing-the-cat-twice-in-the-Matrix look. On that point, Ronnie seems to have had the most drastic change, forgoing his semi-military faux-hawk for… bangs? Yes, somewhere between a bowl cut and a fade lies Ronnie’s new ‘do. Not impressive.
Bad hair be damned, Ronnie still can pack a punch. Exhibit A: The Situation lying unconscious on the floor, only to be carted off on a stretcher in the next shot.
Ronnie and Sammi are still fighting, still insufferable. We see no hard evidence of this, but based on The Situation’s pre-knockout ranting, he looks like he’s been pushed to the limit with the Rammi dramz. Also, a quick look at the trashed surroundings suggest that Ronnie may have gone Hulk-SMASH on an unwitting bedroom again. Oooh, international ‘roid rage!
Snooki is more of a mess than ever. We thought her drunken face-plant on the beaches of Seaside Heights was a low point, but we were wrong. Of course we were wrong: Snooki always finds a new low point. This time around, she’s done something so awful that even her trusty friend J-WOWW has to yell at her.
Deena is still a drunken mess, perhaps even more so now
Pauly D is still a ham (and the most likable of the bunch).
Italy will never have Americans back.
What do you think about the trailer? Are you excited for Jersey Shore to come back?
Things got a bit intense on the latest Jersey Shore. This wasn’t just the usual yammering from Ronnie and Sammi. Their fighting actually escalated to a disturbing level — one that teetered on and perhaps crossed the line into abusiveness. Viewers of the show have long since believed the Rammi to be an emotionally abusive black hole of awfulness, but this was the first time things seemed to get violent. Ronnie most certainly behaved in a dangerous and unacceptable way, and even if he had been egged on by the psychotic nagging of Sammi, it still didn’t excuse any of his actions. Memo to future girlfriends: watch this episode before engaging further…
I was traveling last week; so I haven’t recapped the previous two episodes of Jersey Shore, but fear not — I’m taking care of both right here. After all, it’s not like we need two individual entries to describe what was basically the same activity over and over again. I of course am referring to the insufferable on-again off-again romance between Sammi and Ronnie, which has reached new levels of irritating fun. And I only say fun because if I admit that it’s anything less than that, I might just hurl myself off a building.
Coming off last Monday’s wonderfully goofy Jersey Shore that featured Snooki face planting into the sands of Seaside Heights, it was inevitable that we’d be due for a less interesting follow-up episode. Indeed, Thursday’s latest installment was a touch forgettable, even if it was still immensely entertaining. The action began with Snooki locked up in jail — a predicament that lasted all of about thirty seconds of airtime. Soon she was sent barreling out of the drunk tank where she was received in open arms by her roommates. I don’t remember if Deena had stopped bawling or not at that point, but it’s safe to say that the so-called walking holiday was certainly not expressing Christmas cheer.
I am so FRIGGIN behind on my Jersey Shore photocaps that I decided to just scrap the first two and start with coverage of last night’s third episode (or rather, the sixteenth episode of season two, which we’re still in). In case you haven’t been following, the gang has relocated back to Seaside Heights, and holy crap, the show is still amazing. In some ways, it’s actually getting better. Miami was surprisingly enjoyable — we all thought the magic would be gone now that the cast had become bona fide media celebrities. However, as fun as Miami was, the show really seems to work best in Jersey. On the home turf, the kids come alive. Of course, on the home turf, the kids are also mega superstars, which is why nearly every exterior shot features literally crowds of people in the background, clearly cordoned off from the action by producers. It kind of drains some of the magic from it all, but that’s okay. There’s still plenty of silliness to go around, and most of it was on display last night, which was certainly the best episode of the new “season.”